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Old 11-29-2012, 05:31 PM
 
244 posts, read 224,835 times
Reputation: 275

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Quote:
Originally Posted by gentlearts View Post
It could very well bother me. Is this thread about whether or not you have a right to be bothered? Yes, you do.
Or is it about whether of not your sister has a right to adjust her boundaries? Yes, she does.
More about what I bolded. I really was most interested in hearing from people for whom a similar thing has happened or who have initiated a similar thing themselves and how they felt about it. And I did. So I'm not alone.

 
Old 11-29-2012, 05:32 PM
 
244 posts, read 224,835 times
Reputation: 275
Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626 View Post
What a great summary!

Hmmm, lets pretend it IS children getting gifts at this Christmas Party.

Grandparents only giving gifts to their BIOLOGICAL grandchildren in front of their ADOPTED and STEP grandchildren as well. OR maybe only giving gifts to the "racially pure" grandchildren and nieces and nephews while the bi-racial children are forced to sit and watch.

Or maybe a relative "married out of the faith" and their "heathen" children have to watch the children of "pure faith" getting gifts at the big family party. Or only boy children get gifts and the "second-class citizen" girl children do not get any.

Or only the children with blue eyes get gifts and if you have green or brown eyes you just get to watch everyone ooh and ahh over the wonderful toys that the blue eyed cousins are receiving. and so on.

Are these examples right or fair or social appropriate? Of course not. The whole point is still the same.

Don't give gifts to one group (husband's relatives & friends of the wife or husband) in front of another group (wife's relatives) that is being excluded.
This is especially true when you make a huge big production of it with everyone watching individual gifts being opened.
Thank you! I am glad to hear from someone who understands what I was actually talking about!
 
Old 11-29-2012, 05:37 PM
 
48,516 posts, read 83,688,108 times
Reputation: 18036
Sounds to me like she is only buying gifts for children as she says and letting you know not to buy for her and husband. Take it has it is and move on.I see no real problem as this is pretty common now days to buy only for children. Sounhds like you are not close nayway from the rest of what you wrote.
 
Old 11-29-2012, 08:01 PM
 
Location: here
24,839 posts, read 29,984,374 times
Reputation: 32387
Quote:
Originally Posted by SunnyChantal View Post
You are definitely a lot more evolved than I am at dealing with things like this. Maybe I need counselling.

But I still do think the decision to give gifts to SOME adults and not others is the problem
. Again, if it were really ONLY children I do not have a problem with it. I am searching for the right words here, but it is not materialism on my part but rather a perceived lack of respect which annoys me.
Families are different. What works for my family doesn't work for my husband's. I still think it is rude ONLY if she will actually hand gifts to the in-laws in the presence of your side of the family. If they celebrate together at a different time, I still don't think it is a big deal.
 
Old 11-29-2012, 08:58 PM
 
Location: Chapel Hill, N.C.
36,474 posts, read 43,574,205 times
Reputation: 47214
Haven't read the dozens of pages of posts but will say. A GIFT is just that and not an entitlement.
The extreme amount of time, energy, money, gas it takes to purchase Christmas gifts (most of which are returned or not appreciated) has gotten out of hand. Too many people are going further and further into debt to keep up appearances and traditions. and even if a person has bags of money, it should be their choice on who and what to gift. I say she did you a favor by letting you know ahead of time and more power to her!
 
Old 11-29-2012, 10:58 PM
 
Location: Lexington, Kentucky
6,935 posts, read 3,959,596 times
Reputation: 12781
Quote:
What would you do if you were in this situation:

She has given Xmas gifts to other adults right in front of us when she had previously made a supposed "moratorium" on giving gifts to adults.

How would you feel? Why? What would you do?
I come from a big Catholic family, and it happened that way all the time, certain people gave gifts
to this person or that, but no one gave presents to, and got presents from everyone. Even as a child, it was this way, didn't bother me at all really.... I had no expectations of getting a gift, so I never really felt angry or sad for not getting one from extended family members.I was thankful for the gifts that I received and I joined in the joy that the recipient of a gift had.
I know that this bothers you, and I am trying to understand...It seems you feel this is unfair, you feel in his side of the family getting gifts and yours not, other than children. (I still don't know how you know his side of the family didn't receive a similar email from him)...If you are all at the same gathering, it would be a little unusual, (has to be more history going on here somewhere) -as someone else stated,
I would think they would feel uncomfortable doing this, your side awkward and uncomfortable
watching his side of the family getting gifts while you just watched (this would have to be awkward to his side of the family also...if they did this, you would think they would have one gathering for his family, at one time, and yours another time and then it would not be awkward.
In the end though, no one has to give any other person a Christmas present, if they don't want to, lots of people don't give their Sister or Mother a Christmas present I can tell you that,yet they can give someone else a Christmas Present if they would like. And I think you need to accept this, and try not to be bothered by it.(If it really bothers you, you could not attend the Christmas party and host one at a different time, for family. But is not getting a Christmas present, and your feelings more important than to you than your sister?

Me, I would go to the party, not be bothered in the least, because it has sort of always been like this in our family (Adults made me and my cousins watch the Charlie Brown Christmas specials when I was a little girl, and they would explain to us, that they did not believe in or support a commercialized Christmas, and we would each get a few small gifts and that was it,
that Christmas was about going to Church, Christ, loving each other, spending time with each other as a family, sharing a meal and great times and lots of love. And we got to make cookies and string popcorn~Good times! Some of the best I ever had!!! You just really have to dig down deep and remember what you know is important.
You are upset that she is not treating you equally with the other side of the family, and her/his friends, that is such a small thing and you could really come to ignore it (although it is sort of
not the most thoughtful thing she could do) give her a big hug, along with everyone else, be happy for everyone else if they got a gift and are happy - but not every gift comes in box wrapped with a ribbon and bow - the gift of being with your family, your sister, your nieces/nephews is priceless.
I would accept her decision, go be my family and be very happy that I had a family to be with for the Holidays, if I were you.
 
Old 11-29-2012, 11:02 PM
 
6,028 posts, read 13,095,174 times
Reputation: 6885
Quote:
Originally Posted by SunnyChantal View Post
No, I really don't like drama. I posted trying to get advice on how to avoid it actually. I fully recognize that many other individuals are much better at dealing with people than I am. I was hoping to get some of that expertise.

What would you do if you were in this situation:

She has given Xmas gifts to other adults right in front of us when she had previously made a supposed "moratorium" on giving gifts to adults.

How would you feel? Why? What would you do?
If you really wanted to avoid drama, you would have just accepted others behavior and let it go and moved on with your life. Instead... here you are! Drama. Look at how you are responding to your responses = drama. Some people feed off of drama and where there shouldn't be any, they create it. It's a script they were raised to live by, usually. It's good to realize it, and if you don't like it, change it.

If you are truly upset because of how your sister's email/choice upset your mother, then I can sort of understand that. You want your mother to be happy. That's normal. But ultimately, that is between your sister and your mother - it has nothing to do with you. You can give your mother a gift and I'm sure she'll love it.

What would I have done if someone chose to behave this way in front of me and my children/husband/family? I would have taken it in stride and wished them a happy holiday.

Christmas shouldn't be about material gifts. The season is about so much more than that. Creating conflict within the family by spinning other people's personal choices into bitter family drama is no way to enjoy or celebrate the season.

Last edited by haggardhouseelf; 11-29-2012 at 11:18 PM..
 
Old 11-29-2012, 11:26 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,894 posts, read 17,203,069 times
Reputation: 40820
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kibbiekat View Post
Families are different. What works for my family doesn't work for my husband's. I still think it is rude ONLY if she will actually hand gifts to the in-laws in the presence of your side of the family. If they celebrate together at a different time, I still don't think it is a big deal.
That is the point of the whole thread. The sister has in the past, and is expected to this year, make a very big production out of handing gifts (one at a time & waiting for oohs & aahs for each gift as they are unwrapped) to ONLY the adult in-laws and friends in the presence of her side of the family. The sister's adult family have not received gifts even though all of the other adults do receive gifts.

The OP's mother has been hurt & upset in the past when she does not receive a gift from her daughter (OP's sister) but the daughter gives a gift to her MIL right in front of her and everyone else on both sides of the family. The OP is concerned about her mother's feelings not that she (the OP) doesn't get a gift from her sister.

The OP has also stated that her side of the family has tried to avoid the public gift presentation (that doesn't include them) by asking to come after it or leave before it starts. The OP explained that the sister always schedules it at a time when everyone (gift receivers and non gift receivers) is present.
 
Old 11-30-2012, 01:21 AM
 
Location: Wonderland
44,370 posts, read 35,864,624 times
Reputation: 62719
Quote:
Originally Posted by SunnyChantal View Post
The problem is it's not stuck to, not just a "children's holiday" for one side of the family and not the other.
It's the same way with our family. And the side that considers it a children's holiday isn't offended when others have different traditions.

I mean, it's a little tricky but SURELY the adults who do consider it a children's holiday, and who don't expect to exchange gifts, can move past - or even enjoy - the little bit of time when a few adults in the group exchange gifts.
 
Old 11-30-2012, 01:26 AM
 
Location: Wonderland
44,370 posts, read 35,864,624 times
Reputation: 62719
Quote:
Originally Posted by SunnyChantal View Post
You are definitely a lot more evolved than I am at dealing with things like this. Maybe I need counselling.

But I still do think the decision to give gifts to SOME adults and not others is the problem. Again, if it were really ONLY children I do not have a problem with it. I am searching for the right words here, but it is not materialism on my part but rather a perceived lack of respect which annoys me.
I understand. (And yes, I think some counseling would be helpful - it was for me, anyway.)

Here's where I run into a mental roadblock with your dilemma though:

Are you offended that your sister is not getting YOU a gift, but she is getting other adults gifts? If so, my advice would be to LET IT GO. After all, she's specifically letting YOU off the hook as well, which should be a relief. However, if you really enjoy giving her gifts, go on ahead and do it.

As for being offended for your mother - ask your mother if she's offended. If she is, then SHE needs to talk with your sister. These are two grown women - and we're only talking about probably minor sorts of Christmas gifts between adults. If your mother is truly offended, then it's her battle, not yours. I would suggest that you stay OUT of it if all you're doing is taking up the fight for other adults.
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