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Believe me, I don't. I have sent them back to her and said "let's just call it even" when she asks for money.
She is indeed morbid. I am surprised at all the backlash! I could write a book about all the crazy stuff she has done, including little things refusing to write down my address and calling me every time she wants to send me something in the mail because she "doesn't have it", giving me rotten, frozen meat from her freezer as a housewarming present, refusing to come to my wedding because it was "too inconvenient", telling me that she should have never had kids, that no one really wanted us, cheating on my dad and lying about it to me (granted, he cheated too), taking money that was allocated from my grandmother's will for my sisters and I and lying about that (while suddenly sporting a huge new diamond), the list goes on and on. We have minimal contact and when we do, its always some self-pitying request for "help" because she is close to death. Yikes.
I get that people love their moms, but most people's moms aren't as manipulative and toxic as mine. Perhaps I should have given more of the story.
When you wrote the OP, did it occur to you that you might need to give people some more details - like the ones you just laid out? The email itself sounded mild and harmless - how could people POSSIBLY give you well rounded advice without knowing the information that you only now have chosen to reveal?
Change therapists. With all the years of counseling you've already received, you should be able to learn how to handle your mother more effectively - and also as a bonus pick up some communication skills! Until you master both, your relationship with your mom cannot be healthy for you. It sounds like you allow her to make you very angry, even when she makes very mild comments. I'm not saying that your overreactions are not understandable - because they are. But you do seem spring loaded and that can't be good for you in the long run.
When you wrote the OP, did it occur to you that you might need to give people some more details - like the ones you just laid out? The email itself sounded mild and harmless - how could people POSSIBLY give you well rounded advice without knowing the information that you only now have chosen to reveal?
Change therapists. With all the years of counseling you've already received, you should be able to learn how to handle your mother more effectively - and also as a bonus pick up some communication skills! Until you master both, your relationship with your mom cannot be healthy for you. It sounds like you allow her to make you very angry, even when she makes very mild comments. I'm not saying that your overreactions are not understandable - because they are. But you do seem spring loaded and that can't be good for you in the long run.
Whoa, bad advice here. Did you read the rest of the thread?
This is how I take it. The OP wanted to vent and asked one specific question ("how do I respond to this email?") without digging out every bad piece of dirt her mother had ever done, but many of the responders jumped all over him/her with the first knee jerk nonsense that came to mind (I think its a her, but it doesn't matter). When all ya all started on the "you should worship your mama! you are worse than Hitler!" bandwagon, the OP slowly revealed more information about the situation. I would bet you my pay check the OP didn't intend to tell as much as he/she did or get into such deep waters. "Communication skills" my sweet behind!
From how I read this, the OP has been dealing with this problem woman for many years and just needed a little vent. Y'all are now diagnosing him/her, his/her mama, telling him/her to get another therapist, deal with anger issues, you will probably be recommending medication next. Seriously, I think there must be some mamas on here with kids who call *them* negative who are going all ballistic due to their OWN issues.
OP, you sound like you doin okay dealing with all you been through and on the right track. Feel free to PM me if you want some advice on how to respond to the original email. I see where you are comin from but I don't want these people dissecting my response.
If you really have washed your hands of your Mother, than why the thread? Why the angst?
I believe you aren't coping as well as you want to believe. I too think counseling is beneficial. You would not be taking such issues w/ an email from your Mom, which seems pretty ambiguous imo.
Take time to fix your reactions w/ some healing therapy, or support groups interactions. It is the best thing for you, it will allow you to take your own power back, instead of allowing something like this email message to throw you off.
The opposite of love in indifference.
Regarding dissecting others posts. Pot meet Kettle
If you really have washed your hands of your Mother, than why the thread? Why the angst? I believe you aren't coping as well as you want to believe. I too think counseling is beneficial. You would not be taking such issues w/ an email from your Mom, which seems pretty ambiguous imo. Take time to fix your reactions w/ some healing therapy, or support groups interactions. It is the best thing for you, it will allow you to take your own power back, instead of allowing something like this email message to throw you off.
The opposite of love in indifference.
Regarding dissecting others posts. Pot meet Kettle
Oh lawd.
Again, the way I read this, the OP said she was in therapy. More than once. Who are any of us to say how well she is coping? Seems to me that maybe she didn't reveal the whole story because she didn't want this armchair psychologist reaction. That's how I read it.
Again, did y'all read the same thread I did?
Did any of you just have a day when someone was working your last nerve? No matter how much "power" you have "taken back" I guarantee there are days like that. All you all need to get down off the high horse.
Last edited by whatisthedealwith; 12-01-2012 at 08:38 AM..
Reason: add
Again, the way I read this, the OP said she was in therapy. More than once. Who are any of us to say how well she is coping? Seems to me that maybe she didn't reveal the whole story because she didn't want this armchair psychologist reaction. That's how I read it.
Again, did y'all read the same thread I did?
Did any of you just have a day when someone was working your last nerve? No matter how much "power" you have "taken back" I guarantee there are days like that. All you all need to get down off the high horse.
Thanks!
Its an interesting dynamic. My mother is not the best, and she has done many many things that the average person would cite as abusive. But yet, I, as the adult child, am expected to somehow be perfect in my response to her. I can't ever let it bother me-- if I do, I have "anger issues" or "communication issues" or "baggage".
This seems to me to be utter nonsense. You would have to be a robot to grow up in my household and never have any lasting effects. I don't sit around and dwell on her-- honestly, this thread is the most I have probably ever written about her, hence I didn't want to go into tons of detail, but the reaction has absolutely floored me. Again, I really feel for those who understand where I am coming from and thank them for their constructive responses.
The issue is not whether you've dealt with things your mother has done...The issue is that you obviously are still dealing w/ it.
If that's the "norm" you want....Might be best not to post on an open forum and open yourself up to others opinion's.
Having people always allow you to rationalize, not to grow, not to face things in order to make changes....does more harm than good.
You are an adult. Change happens. Take back your life and be the best you can be, in spite of your poor upbringing. You could share those survival skills & strengths w/ other young people. Recognize your excellent skills. Don't waste time on self-pity. Turn this life experience around...and empower yourself.
Whoa, bad advice here. Did you read the rest of the thread?
This is how I take it. The OP wanted to vent and asked one specific question ("how do I respond to this email?") without digging out every bad piece of dirt her mother had ever done, but many of the responders jumped all over him/her with the first knee jerk nonsense that came to mind (I think its a her, but it doesn't matter). When all ya all started on the "you should worship your mama! you are worse than Hitler!" bandwagon, the OP slowly revealed more information about the situation. I would bet you my pay check the OP didn't intend to tell as much as he/she did or get into such deep waters. "Communication skills" my sweet behind!
From how I read this, the OP has been dealing with this problem woman for many years and just needed a little vent. Y'all are now diagnosing him/her, his/her mama, telling him/her to get another therapist, deal with anger issues, you will probably be recommending medication next. Seriously, I think there must be some mamas on here with kids who call *them* negative who are going all ballistic due to their OWN issues.
OP, you sound like you doin okay dealing with all you been through and on the right track. Feel free to PM me if you want some advice on how to respond to the original email. I see where you are comin from but I don't want these people dissecting my response.
1st of all, you'll be take much more seriously as a poster if you stop exagerating.
Only one poster gave anything close to a diagnosis and that was AFTER the OP gave us more information to work with.
I actually read every post and never once saw anyone say to worship your mama at all cost.
1) Everyone (including myself) writes from the vantage point that they are right and the other people are just nuts . . . there is rarely any insight into one's own foibles or contributions to a situation.
2) People who read one sentence about someone else and feel entitled to smack a label on them irk me - narcissist is the latest way to pathologize someone and write them off but there's also Asperger's, ADD, etc. It's all part of the medicalization and labeling of complex people who have many traits - both good and bad.
I just wanted to note we have one sentence from the mom and someone felt entitled to label her a narcissist, which I just find absurd.
And to the point that the OP added details . . . Ok . . . but how about letting go of the past, forgiving your parents for their humanness and opening your heart to see if you might be able to have a relationship with your mom at this point. I think the OP was highly reactive to say that was a "negative email." There was nothing in the email, per se, that was negative that I could see. What if her mom has changed and was just reaching out and sharing some of her thoughts?
Obviously I have struck some sort of cord with you. Nothing I can do about that. You can also stop referring to me as "someone" in your other posts. Everyone knows you are talking about me. Take some ownership.
If you are so worked up about others providing their thoughts on another's behaviors then you might want to stay out of certain forums. I went with the information that was presented and gave my advice. I was not off base as the OP pointed out. I think its pretty obvious that the OP's mother displays extremely selfish behavior. Do you like that term better?
Obviously I have struck some sort of cord with you. Nothing I can do about that. You can also stop referring to me as "someone" in your other posts. Everyone knows you are talking about me. Take some ownership.
If you are so worked up about others providing their thoughts on another's behaviors then you might want to stay out of certain forums. I went with the information that was presented and gave my advice. I was not off base as the OP pointed out. I think its pretty obvious that the OP's mother displays extremely selfish behavior. Do you like that term better?
You have a very mean-spirited communication style.
I referred to you as "someone" due to laziness . . .I didn't remember the name of the person who smacked the narcissist label on the mom after reading a one sentence email.
Thanks for your advice about "staying out of certain forums."
You have a very mean-spirited communication style.
I referred to you as "someone" due to laziness . . .I didn't remember the name of the person who smacked the narcissist label on the mom after reading a one sentence email.
Thanks for your advice about "staying out of certain forums."
Have a wonderful day.
And I think you are projecting. I guess we will have to agree to disagree.
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