Pain of not knowing who your father is and the effects

[TheShadow]

Jamerschris, they say we get two chances at the parent-child relationship, one as the child and the other as the parent. Use the pain you feel at not having a dad to influence the way you raise your children. Give them the love you never got as a child. Be the father you wish you had.

I had a dad that may not have been my bio-dad and he left us when I was a baby. He wasn't around more than a few hours every five or six years. When he did show up he so clearly favored my siblings and had little or nothing to say to me. I feel like having a crappy dad is probably even worse than no dad, but I'm not trying to compete with you for worst dad, just saying it s*cks either way. When I was younger I know that I let it influence my behavior with the men in my life, and I regret that now.

All we can do is learn from our past and use it to make our future better.

[hunterseat]

My dad died when I was 2 and my mom didn't remarry until I was 15. Without following the sordid trail of dad issues in my family (my mom's dad, my son's dad, my dad) I HIGHLY recommend a book called Father Hunger. It explained SO MUCH to me about the importance of a dad, the effects of a bad dad, no dad and the joy of a good dad, the latter of which I discovered when I realized there's a heavenly Father who loves us all the way a real dad is supposed to love us. So you can pattern the love you have for your family after Him and know you'll get it right. I'm so glad you have your lovely wife to share life with. It took me a long time to find my true love.

[maus]

Originally Posted by Pikake

My dad loves his beer. The first couple of beers and he was fine, but once eight beers were guzzled he got mean. I was 9 years old and I remember him crawling in the house at 1am. I lay in bed and waited for the fireworks to begin. Minutes later, the yelling began and I hear my mom crying and telling him to stop hitting her. My brother who was 13 at the time, ran out and jumped on my dad to make him stop hitting her. So yeah, real good memories there.

The sad thing is that he has not changed, so I took the avoidance route and got the fluck away from him. We have not spoken in 2+ years because I do not want to deal with being called a dumb, selfish by anyone. I grew up thinking my name was "dumb selfish ". I know my dad but there are times I wish I did not...just being brutally honest here.

I'll stop now because those memories too much. Some stories are happy, other's not so full of rainbows and cotton candy. The important thing to remember is that each day is a chance to make a new story and find peace within.

I had a father who was largely absent and never there for me or my brother, drinking too much alcohol was his priority. My parents divorced early and I saw my dad maybe once a year until I graduated high school. When I was an adult we had practically no contact. My father chose not to be a parent and was not there for us. It took me many years into adulthood to understand the effects of having a father who essentially abandoned his own children. I believe I have forgiven him, but it has taken along time to heal in the process for me personally.

My family dynamic is seemingly dysfunctional when growing up. My other family members have been disappointing as well, as my mother is difficult, and there is really not much of a relationship with my brother.

Your post about finding the "peace within" hit it on the head. I think I am at peace on the inside, but sometimes I know that I am not. It is a long work in progress on myself to forgive people in my life who I feel have wronged me, especially family.

Thanks for reviving an old thread. I have enjoyed reading what some others here have shared.

[LoveWisdom]

Originally Posted by Jamerschris

Hey Guy's

Im 26 years old, and I have never met my father once nor have ever talked to him on the phone, computer ect. I grew up without a father and was raised by my mother and grandmother. I later had a Stepdad when i was about 7 and my mother and him divorced him when I was 14. I never really respected my mother and really didnt respect my stepfather.

My mother died about 6 years ago, and some have pointed out how emotional I am at times, being a hot head in the past and never wanting to hug and kiss family member's? I dont know the effects of a boy not growing up with a father but at times I wonder how things what have turned out if he was there in my life. I dont know... But I never in my life have called a man " Dad" or "Father" and for some strange reason at 26, I get "sad" about it. I look at my wife and how much she loves her mom and dad. and for me I dont have any, and im not trying to make anyone feel sorry for me or for myself.

I was just wondering if anyone on here has gone through a similar situation? and how to coep with it.

I knew my father, but didn't feel close. Sometimes knowing doesn't make it better. I don't like to hug my relatives/family either.

[MaggieZ]

We shouldn't compare if having a bad father or not knowing who your father is, is worse or better. It's a loss in any event. I never knew who my dad was. It's made me feel like an outcast, it's made me feel unloved but maybe my mother never told him she was pregnant or he was already married and she coudn't ruin his "happy life" ...who knows.. All you can do is try to learn to live with it. I'm not saying you won't think of it from time to time. I also was never one for lots of hugging but it's gotten better with age.

[mainebrokerman]

sometimes the sperm donors walk away knowing their influence wouldnt be a positive one..
also -the mother,,who is weighted with all the responsibility- does this,,because what kids WANT for a father or think they should have is - not reality,,sometimes sperm donors are losers, alcoholics, and bums,,,

grandfathers/grandparents will often step in and tell a pregnant or new mother-we will help you and the baby but not this loser- if he gets any money for the kids, he will drink it..


sperm donors should not get an unearned pedastal of a "dad"

and bless all the men out there,,that are either good step-dads or mature adults, that are or have been positive influence in a fatherless childs life..

we hear too quick how terrible men can be with kids,,,but very little how some men try to be a positive influence in a little boys or girls lives,,,when the deck is stacked against them


in the big picture,,if you dont/didnt have a father, you probly matured faster, got friends to be your support group
hopefully, you learned from this with your own kids,,

[hifijohn]

When ever I meet a guy that is chaotic ,moody ,and emotionally unstable, usually it comes from a angry relationship he had with his father.Ive known guys even in their 40's that still act like moody teenagers.

[nofatherknowing]

I grew up without a father or even a step dad my mom says she knows his first name but not his last name witch is weird I have been asked what would I do if I found out who my father was I replied I really don't know all I know is I would like an explanation why he wasn't around why he didn't even try to be in my life I'm a father of 3 beautiful kids and a step kid that I call mine and I know I will never do that to my kids one thing he taught me was the effects it has on a person not knowing who their parents are.

[silibran]

This is an old thread. If you want to discuss your issue, why not start a new thread. But I respectfully request that you use punctuation if you do.