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Old 12-02-2012, 08:25 AM
 
793 posts, read 1,287,457 times
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Does anyone know why someone who is married, won't take a few hours out of their Saturday or Sunday to meet a friend for lunch for an hour or two? I have a friend who has been married for 2 yrs and she won't do anything without her husband. She won't meet for lunch or a quick dinner. Everything is about her "husband".

She called me the other day to tell me her husband was outside raking leaves and so she had a few minutes to talk. Then she said he would be coming in and she had to take care of him so she wouldn't be able to talk.

Her husband is a nice guy, he's not abusive, so it's not like she is hiding anything from me.

I just want to have lunch and catch up without having her husband there. I even suspect he would like a few hours away from her so he could breath.

Is this normal to not want to do anything without your husband? Don't people have some hobbies or interests that are different than their spouses?


I've been married and in serious relationships, and I've still been able to meet a friend for lunch or a shopping trip. It never meant that my husband/boyfriend felt threatened or insecure.

Any thoughts?
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Old 12-02-2012, 08:26 AM
 
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WOW, she is seriously insecure and dependent or is that co dependent. That is just NOT normal in my world but if she's happy it is her choice.
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Old 12-02-2012, 08:31 AM
 
Location: North Beach, MD on the Chesapeake
33,877 posts, read 42,096,122 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by luckygirl15 View Post
Does anyone know why someone who is married, won't take a few hours out of their Saturday or Sunday to meet a friend for lunch for an hour or two? I have a friend who has been married for 2 yrs and she won't do anything without her husband. She won't meet for lunch or a quick dinner. Everything is about her "husband".

She called me the other day to tell me her husband was outside raking leaves and so she had a few minutes to talk. Then she said he would be coming in and she had to take care of him so she wouldn't be able to talk.

Read what you wrote again, "take care of him".

Her husband is a nice guy, he's not abusive, so it's not like she is hiding anything from me.

That you know of.

I just want to have lunch and catch up without having her husband there. I even suspect he would like a few hours away from her so he could breath.
If so, why can't she leave him for a couple hours and he can take care of himself.

Is this normal to not want to do anything without your husband? Don't people have some hobbies or interests that are different than their spouses?

Doesn't sound like it in this marriage.


I've been married and in serious relationships, and I've still been able to meet a friend for lunch or a shopping trip. It never meant that my husband/boyfriend felt threatened or insecure.
You didn't have a controlling spouse.

Any thoughts?

There are red flags all over this. Isolation from friends/family is a common tactic of abusers.
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Old 12-02-2012, 08:35 AM
 
Location: Brooklyn,NY
10,611 posts, read 13,141,260 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CSD610 View Post
WOW, she is seriously insecure and dependent or is that co dependent. That is just NOT normal in my world but if she's happy it is her choice.
Sounds like they are attached at the hip, Which is not a requirement for a marriage or healthy relationship. I think most people enjoy some solo time just relaxing, Or out with friends without the partner. Takes nothing away from a relationship and I think this creates a good balance.

It is her choice, But the 2 friends should have time to catch up, Have a conversation just them. Why if the marriage is that good would she be unable to tell him she is meeting a friend for lunch and it that's it?
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Old 12-02-2012, 08:42 AM
 
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Thanks CSD610 and North Beach Person.

The thing is that I have had dinner at their house, went to their wedding, and I didn't think anything of it in the beginning. Everything we did included her husband. I just thought it was sweet. But now, I just want some girl time to talk about girl stuff.

My friend only talks about how great her marriage is, how great her husband treats her, how blessed she is. She really does sound truly happy with him. She married late (at 57), never married before so she could just be so insecure about getting him, that she doesn't want him to have any time to be alone and figure out that she's nuts.

I'm considering leaving this friendship b/c she's just too annoying and trying to get together for lunch will never ever happen. Maybe it's time to leave the friendship.
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Old 12-02-2012, 08:44 AM
 
793 posts, read 1,287,457 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by D. Scott View Post
Sounds like they are attached at the hip, Which is not a requirement for a marriage or healthy relationship. I think most people enjoy some solo time just relaxing, Or out with friends without the partner. Takes nothing away from a relationship and I think this creates a good balance.

It is her choice, But the 2 friends should have time to catch up, Have a conversation just them. Why if the marriage is that good would she be unable to tell him she is meeting a friend for lunch and it that's it?
My thoughts exactly. I was wondering if maybe I was expecting too much and maybe I didn't understand what being in a relationship really meant.
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Old 12-02-2012, 08:45 AM
 
Location: Texas
43,545 posts, read 52,637,306 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by luckygirl15 View Post

Her husband is a nice guy, he's not abusive, so it's not like she is hiding anything from me.

?
Wanna bet?
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Old 12-02-2012, 08:51 AM
 
Location: southwest TN
8,225 posts, read 14,924,345 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CSD610 View Post
WOW, she is seriously insecure and dependent or is that co dependent. That is just NOT normal in my world but if she's happy it is her choice.
She CHOOSES not to spend time on the weekend away from her husband. Where on earth do you get the idea that the friend needs to be given an online diagnosis or that doing so helps the OP with her dilemma.

Quote:
Originally Posted by North Beach Person View Post
There are red flags all over this. Isolation from friends/family is a common tactic of abusers.
Really? The OP specifically says "he's not abusive".

Quote:
Originally Posted by D. Scott View Post
Sounds like they are attached at the hip, Which is not a requirement for a marriage or healthy relationship. I think most people enjoy some solo time just relaxing, Or out with friends without the partner. Takes nothing away from a relationship and I think this creates a good balance.

It is her choice, But the 2 friends should have time to catch up, Have a conversation just them. Why if the marriage is that good would she be unable to tell him she is meeting a friend for lunch and it that's it?
Nothing in the OP suggests the friend is unable to tell the husband she is meeting her friend.


OP, perhaps after both of them working all week, the weekend is when they reconnect and have time to do household chores. Perhaps the problem is not that she is unwilling to spend time away from him, but the timing. She may be unwilling to give up her Saturday morning doing chores and/or snuggling late in bed to spend time getting dressed to meet you, having lunch, and basically losing most of the day. Perhaps if you suggest meeting during the week, lunch or after work. She's already out of the house and dressed with no joint chores scheduled (usually).
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Old 12-02-2012, 08:58 AM
 
793 posts, read 1,287,457 times
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NY Annie, She doesn't work and has not worked for 10 yrs. Her husband is 61 and has a full time job. They spend every waking minute together through the week.

I work through the week, am busy with lots of things but could make a hour or two (at the most) available on the weekend for lunch.

Even if someone wants to snuggle and be together, is 1 Saturday between 12 & 2 too much to ask? Maybe it is and that's not what I am getting here.

When she calls, she tells me how great her husband treats her and how much fun they are having together. That's great but it doesn't do much for me after a while. Seriously, I am happy she is happy but I just want to talk about regular stuff. I can't get that from her so maybe this friendship is on it's last legs and time to let go and move on.
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Old 12-02-2012, 09:08 AM
 
Location: South Carolina
13,820 posts, read 18,779,327 times
Reputation: 24485
Yes it does sound like abuse to me and how do you know that there is not abuse involved ? You only know what you hear or see , the abuser often only lets the friends or family see what they allow them to see .As another poster said this has red flags all over it . I would look more closely at my friend and see if you see any bruises and etc . Good luck .
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