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So my boyfriends father took him out to dinner for his birthday.
Back story-5 years ago he cheated on his wife (my bf's mother) of 28 years, left in the middle of the night to go live with his mistress, sent the divorce papers and is still dating this other women. My bf was left to pick his mom up off the ground at 55 when she was literally on the verge of a breakdown/suicide contemplation etc. He put his life on hold taking care of his mother while his dad was MIA.
So needless to say his dad wants to re-build a relationship with him. So last night he gave him an ultimatum.
"If you want to have a relationship with me, you have to let go of the past and have a relationship with my girlfriend (the women he cheated on his mother with for 2 years)"
your boyfriend should remind his father that he just can't dictate how someone feels just because the dad is ready to move past the problems. remind the dad the primary relationship is between son and father it is not a threesome. I would tell the dad if he wants a relationship with the son then first they need to work on their relationship first. if that goes well then the son should be willing to put the past behind them and start a relationship with his dad's partner.
your boyfriend should remind his father that he just can't dictate how someone feels just because the dad is ready to move past the problems. remind the dad the primary relationship is between son and father it is not a threesome. I would tell the dad if he wants a relationship with the son then first they need to work on their relationship first. if that goes well then the son should be willing to put the past behind them and start a relationship with his dad's partner.
^ Great advice.
to add: the most son can be expected of is to be polite to dad's gf. Nothing further at this point.
"the woman is in my life now and is very important to me. I really need to know that you'll attempt to get to know her."
I would take that as, "I really want you back in my life but I can't have you be disrespectful to the woman." Which is reasonable....to a point.
But the way the OP stated it....it sounds like Dad is ready and willing to choose the woman over his own son.
I find that very sad for your BF. I'd say see ya Dad until you're ready to treat me like an adult.
So my boyfriends father took him out to dinner for his birthday.
Back story-5 years ago he cheated on his wife (my bf's mother) of 28 years, left in the middle of the night to go live with his mistress, sent the divorce papers and is still dating this other women. My bf was left to pick his mom up off the ground at 55 when she was literally on the verge of a breakdown/suicide contemplation etc. He put his life on hold taking care of his mother while his dad was MIA.
So needless to say his dad wants to re-build a relationship with him. So last night he gave him an ultimatum.
"If you want to have a relationship with me, you have to let go of the past and have a relationship with my girlfriend (the women he cheated on his mother with for 2 years)"
What say you?
It doesn't sound like dear old dad is in a position to be making demands like that. He screwed up, he left, he wants to re-build a relationship and he expects to dictate the terms of that relationship?? I would find the ultimatum insulting and probably tell him to go away (full disclosure: I've been through a similar situation so I'm probably not the most unbiased person here).
Ultimatums aside, if your boyfriend wants a relationship with his father, he probably does need to get past everything that happened in the past and be okay with dad's girlfriend. So the question becomes, does your boyfriend want a relationship with his father??
I find it interesting that Dear Old Dad wants Junior to be nice to The Girlfriend. What happens if DOD walks out on TG the way he did on his wife? Does the son then get over TG and make nice with whoever DOD takes up with next?
This young man needs to make it plain to his father that while he might be willing to make the effort to mend the relationship with dad, it might not be so easy to accept Dad's current squeeze.
The response could be anything from "go to H**L" to sure "I forgive both of you and all is forgotten". Probably depends on what the son wants from his father.
ps: the woman is no more at fault than his father. If he forgives his father and wants a relationship, he has forgiven all the acts his father did of chosing the woman, walking out on his mother, etc. It was totally within his father's control. What will happen if it happens again?
Our adult kids, and even my ex's parents, don't want or need anyone new in their lives and since he was always a distant dad/husband/son it's easier to just keep things cordial when necessary but to just visit one on one occasionally. Only one child has even met her, and his parents did at his insistance just once...then called me crying about it all. I think it was mostly to legitimize things for the gf, who had been the secret mistress for a year. There is no fantasy of a new "happy family" type of relationship with anyone and the fact that the new gf lives on the other side of the country helps keep things cool.
Your boyfriend's choice NOT YOURS or HIS FATHER's. Leave him to make his own decision so in the end IF it does not work out it is on HIM ALONE and he can blame no one else for his choice good or bad.
I would ask . . . how did your b/f respond to this? Or was he so taken back that he didn't know how to respond?
I don't think it is odd for a father to explain that having a relationship with him means he will necessarily need to have at least a civil acquaintance with his significant other (g/f, wife, fiancee, live-in, whatever).
That means being polite and courteous but it doesn't mean anything more. It doesn't mean son has to actually get to know G/F.
However, I think for most of us, the "terms" would hit us as . . . choose between your mother or my girlfriend.
If THAT is how the statement was made, then I would tell Dad to take a hike.
And it could be that son has internalized Dad's request/demand to mean - choose between your mom and my g/f. And that would feel disloyal and disrespectful to Mom, indeed.
If Dad is truly interested in rebuilding a relationship with son, Dad doesn't have to invite G/F on outings with son.
I think what I, personally, would do is tell Dad . . . of course I would always be civil with whomever you had in your company, but that doesn't mean I am looking forward to spending time with you and your G/F. If you want to have a relationship with me, why don't we start out with some father-son outings and see how it goes from there.
I would in no way allow my father to dictate to me the terms of having a relationship with him.
Son has every right to turn down invites if they include ANYONE he doesn't enjoy (or feel comfortable) around.
I love the way people think they can waltz out of a child's life and return at some point and make demands about how the relationship is gonna be structured. Dad is lucky that son is so civil as to even speak to him, frankly.
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