Welcome to City-Data.com Forum!
U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Non-Romantic Relationships
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
 
 
Old 12-30-2012, 05:20 AM
 
132 posts, read 313,929 times
Reputation: 117

Advertisements

During the Christmas weekend I saw some interesting conversations between daughter and son in laws and their spouses parents. What an interesting study in human interaction, interpersonal dynamics and conflict management.

I could tell there was some serious personality differences, philosophies, and deep seated anger behind the smiles and pleasant (forced) conversation. When you marry your husband or wife their parents come along with the package. In our society it seems like it is OK for the adult kids to challenge their parents if the parents say or do something that displeases them, but what about the son or daughter in law? Can they speak up and tell their spouses parents (Mr or Mrs Johnson) that they did not appreciate something they said or did to him/her, or should they tell their spouse and let him or her deal directly with their parents about the issue?

How does it work in your family if you have a conflict with your in laws?
Quick reply to this message

 
Old 12-30-2012, 05:38 AM
 
177 posts, read 406,490 times
Reputation: 339
I deal with my in-laws directly. They love me (and I'm the only link to their son, who couldn't care less about talking to his parents) and I can tell them what's what with no problem.

And it's the reverse with DH. He communicates well with my parents and I usually can't be bothered to do so.

But truthfully, neither of our sets of parents are involved in our daily lives enough to make any real impact. I can't imagine what we would have to argue or disagree about. And if something were to ever come up, I would have no hesitation shutting it down quickly. A simple "thanks for your input but my husband and I will decide what's best for our daughter" type of thing... I don't leave personal matters out there for discussions or debate. We are a unit, one entity, and we always always always put up a united front, no exceptions.
Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-30-2012, 09:39 PM
 
Location: Tucson, AZ
175 posts, read 313,898 times
Reputation: 396
Knowing what my mother is like, I told my wife from day one not to take any crap off of her. Yes, she is my mother, yada, yada, yada, but she will manipulate and steam roll over anyone who will let her. I felt that my wife deserved to know that when my mother starts to act up, I have her back. As I have said many times, I sleep with my wife, not my mother.

I really have never had any problems with my mother-in-law. We get along well.

One thing I would never do is correct my wife in front of others. If she is off base or acting stupid, I get her alone and tell her what she is doing and why it is wrong. She learned that that respect goes in both directions. We have had many a heated conversations in the car on the way home from somewhere, but never in front of others.
Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-30-2012, 10:29 PM
 
28,896 posts, read 53,939,958 times
Reputation: 46662
It's the spouse's job. You can state your opinion and be done with it. But arguing is out of the question. You could be married into a family for 30 years, but you're still somewhat of an outsider.
Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-01-2013, 09:24 AM
 
132 posts, read 313,929 times
Reputation: 117
Quote:
Originally Posted by cpg35223 View Post
It's the spouse's job. You can state your opinion and be done with it. But arguing is out of the question. You could be married into a family for 30 years, but you're still somewhat of an outsider.
I would like to believe that once you are married you could be as candid with your spouses family at your husband or wife is. Don't you think?
Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-03-2013, 10:40 AM
 
Location: Omaha, Nebraska
124 posts, read 307,906 times
Reputation: 60
I don't think it's out of line at all.

BUT, I also think it depends on the situation whether to escalate it from sharing your disagreement to a full blown argument. And I suppose it also depends on the parents. Sometimes just sharing a differing opinion without being rude or obnoxious can bring out the fire in someone and those are the people it's wise to just pick your battles.

Personally, I've never been in a situation with mine where something came up that I just absolutely could not hold my tongue about, but I also don't like confrontation. My SO's step-mother is.. to put it bluntly, dumb as a rock. She's racist out of ignorance and I just learned apparently has homophobic tendencies. I'm bisexual and very much a lover of all people and races, so it can really push my buttons. However, I'll just roll my eyes or sometimes just walk out of the room (and not in a rude way as I'm generally not fully active in the conversation but more just a listener, so I might get up to "go to the bathroom" or "get a drink"). In that situation, while it does bother me, it ain't gonna do me any good to argue cause I'm not going to change her mind. I suppose if she were a raging racist or homophobic I'd say something or just not go over there, but as it stands it's usually just small snide comments.

I did, however, tell his father that I don't appreciate him using the N word. I've been in their lives for going on 5 years and told him pretty early in the relationship that I didn't like it. And it's not even that he dislikes black people he more uses it as a general derogatory term for anyone of any race. but, he heard what I said and respected that. I'd say since then he's maybe said it twice and he's always apologised to me right after saying it.
Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-03-2013, 11:32 PM
 
5,697 posts, read 19,072,739 times
Reputation: 8694
I let my husband handle it. After 25 yrs you would think that would be enough time to handle squabbles on my own but it is not. I have tried in the past but it only made things far worse. They band together quickly to hate on someone. They also dont seem to care for women all that much. I prefer the direct approach (even though I loathe confrontation) however it never goes well. My mother-n-law and sister-n-laws are fake. They gossip, spin things around and pretty much make up stuff while they are at. I used to try and work things out but I would get lies, "Oh no, I didn't say that." Or his one sister decides to have an attitude and starts some petty nonsense. My husband doesnt realize how fortunate he is that my family simply doesn't screw with him. He and my mother have had small spats though but he feels comfortable working it out with her and she feels the same.
Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-03-2013, 11:59 PM
 
76 posts, read 120,325 times
Reputation: 133
It depends on the disagreement. When you are married for so many years, you learn to overlook a lot of things. I do think that some issues are better left for my spouse to handle with their parent.
Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


 
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:
Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Non-Romantic Relationships
Similar Threads

All times are GMT -6.

© 2005-2024, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Contact Us - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37 - Top