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Old 01-02-2013, 02:05 AM
 
1 posts, read 7,570 times
Reputation: 15

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Hello Everyone,

I'm new here but I'm really in need of some advice. My issue is concerning my former best friend of 20 years. We grew up together from the age of 13. For a friendship that spanned 20 years we had ups and downs and always got through. Our friendship wasn't perfect but we could always depend on one another and I can't think of anyone else I have such wonderful memories with.

Our friendship really changed after her mother passed away from Cancer in 2011. She became very distant and not very interested in getting together. One evening I was going out with a friend from work and she was going out with a friend as well, so we decided to meet up for drinks. She then blew me off completely and I ended up seeing her later in the evening at another bar. She was all over some guy even though she is married. I went up to her and told her that I felt her not showing up was pretty rude and I wanted to know what her problem was. She then freaked out and told me she didn't need to answer to me. It was clear she was pretty drunk. Her friend then stepped in and told me to walk away. I told her friend it wasn't her business and then my former friend started yelling at me. So I said "your drunk and if you don't remember you have a husband at home, but your all over random men" She then slapped me across the face. I was so angry I blurted out " I guess losing your mom turned you into an ahole" ..It was only a few seconds later she was escorted out of the bar by security.

My friend was married in 2008 to her long term boyfriend. I wasn't really on board with the marriage because she always had a "thing" for a past love and she admitted to me that her past love was her real soul mate. During her marriage she had "seen" other men including this past love. She wasn't faithful to her husband. I don't know for a fact if she had sex with other men but I know at the very least there was fooling around and flirting. Especially when we would go out to nightclubs or bars. I didn't approve of this behavior but she was my best friend. I told her many times I thought she should get a divorce but it fell on deaf ears. Her husband was never very nice to me and I think it was because I was the "single" friend and when we went out it made him insecure. Even after I met my current boyfriend he was still pretty icy to me.

My best friend made friends with a younger woman at the hospital she works at, where she is a nurse. This friend was the girl she was with the night of our fight. This friend of hers is very trashy and encourages her to cheat. I didn't like this girl from the beginning.

The last time I saw her about a year and a half ago. For the first few months I felt inclined to stop by her home and try to talk to her, but didn't have the nerve to do it. I also live about an hour away so it made the temptation easier to ignore. About 5 months after this happened I did a search for her after I signed up for Facebook, she was on there and I sent her a message. She told me she didn't want to talk to me and that she could never forgive me for saying what I said the night she hit me. She really didn't even acknowledge that she hit me. She has always been the type to play the victim and not really admit wrong doing. Its one of the qualities about her I had the hardest time dealing with.


Anyway I tried talking to her on Facebook and she was nasty to me. Then one day I tried to call her but she blocked my number. So I gave up. Then back in August of 2012 (a year after our fight) I saw some pictures on facebook on this nightclub website of her and her skanky friend all over some guys. Turns out one of the guys was her past love. She was never shy about dancing, or kissing other guys even at bars or nightclubs where someone that knows her husband might see her. But as a courtesy I sent her a link to the photos on facebook.

She didnt respond back but instead 3 weeks later she emails me saying she knows I'm the one that sent the photos to her husbands email. Mind you I don't know her husbands email address! I told her I didn't do any such thing. She responded back telling me I was a liar. She also went on to say I'm just a spoiled brat that didn't get my way and I was trying to get revenge on her. She made comments about my relationship with my boyfriend. My boyfriend is very successful and he makes good money. We go on trips and have a nice home and I think this really pissed her off.

After writing all of this I know most of you will say "why would you want to get back in touch with this person?" But the truth is, she is so much more then all this negative stuff and I feel like alot of this is trauma over losing her mother. I don't think she ever really dealt with it in a healthy way. She has so many wonderful qualities that I really miss. For a long time I would cry at night over the loss of our friendship and I thought about trying to go see her sometime this week. I dont know if she will talk to me or not and I worry more about her husband being home if I knock on the door.

Am I crazy to bother?
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Old 01-02-2013, 02:18 AM
 
Location: SWUS
5,421 posts, read 7,887,191 times
Reputation: 5797
Don't bother. You'll only be wasting your time. Go forth and make new friends somehow.
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Old 01-02-2013, 05:29 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
43,156 posts, read 41,773,101 times
Reputation: 82886
Yes, you are crazy to bother.

I'm struggling to find ANYTHING positive you gained from that friendship and why you would want all that drama back in your life? The only thing missing from this story is a night in jail and a babydaddy.

SHe has already answered this question for you: No. You should not contact her anymore.


As Jordan said, focus on other relationships with people who understand what caring about others means.
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Old 01-02-2013, 06:02 AM
 
91 posts, read 257,244 times
Reputation: 71
Cut that ***** loose
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Old 01-02-2013, 06:26 AM
 
Location: St Thomas, US Virgin Islands
24,671 posts, read 58,362,608 times
Reputation: 26526
In my opinion you're rather obsessive about this relationship to still be hankering after it when the "main incident" happened well over a year ago. From what you say, you were always rather more invested in her life than she was in yours, not caring for her boyfriends/husband/girlfriends/behavior, etc.

She's made it very clear that the friendship is over. It happens more often than you might realize but people and things change, people grow apart and, frankly, you did overstep the boundaries when you made the comment which for her was obviously the final straw. Instead of crying yourself to sleep over something that's simply over and done with, time to move on. Enjoy the boyfriend who "is very successful and (he) makes good money", enjoy the trips and your nice home - and cultivate new friends along the way. It's unlikely your former friend is "pissed off" (i.e. jealous) of your relationship. She just doesn't want to re-engage with you.
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Old 01-02-2013, 06:56 AM
 
2 posts, read 10,286 times
Reputation: 20
I agree with most of what STT Resident wrote.

I know you have invested emotionally in this person for 20 years, so drastic change is difficult and stressful. People will always advise you to just dump her, but 20 years is quite an investment and we all have failed on some level in our lives, (a little empathy goes a long way). However, I would agree you should not enable her either, which will only prolong the destructive behaviors - maybe to the point that your relationship will never be healed.

My advice would be to let your friend know that you will always love and care for her (not bringing up any specific issues) and that when - and if - she ever wants to reconnect with you, you will be there. (Consider sending her a birthday and Christmas card once a year to let her know you are still thinking about her and give her a broad recap - had a baby, got a new job - of what has been going on with you without expecting anything in return.)

I would also advise that you just relax and enjoy living your life being thankful for the good friends and boyfriend that you do have... giving your most fervent attention and affection to them (being careful not to push away those who are there for you while chasing after the one who isn't).

Best wishes.
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Old 01-02-2013, 07:08 AM
 
Location: Sunny Florida
7,136 posts, read 11,008,830 times
Reputation: 9460
"She has always been the type to play the victim and not really admit wrong doing. Its one of the qualities about her I had the hardest time dealing with."

These aspects of her personality aren't likely to change. I understand you have 20 years invested, but it's over. Sometimes you have to walk away with your memories, be happy for the good times you had, and move on - unless you enjoy the drama she presents.
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Old 01-02-2013, 07:08 AM
 
Location: St Thomas, US Virgin Islands
24,671 posts, read 58,362,608 times
Reputation: 26526
Quote:
Originally Posted by ShuanaWisert View Post
1. ... However, I would agree you should not enable her either, which will only prolong the destructive behaviors - maybe to the point that your relationship will never be healed.

2. My advice would be to let your friend know that you will always love and care for her (not bringing up any specific issues) and that when - and if - she ever wants to reconnect with you, you will be there. (Consider sending her a birthday and Christmas card once a year to let her know you are still thinking about her and give her a broad recap - had a baby, got a new job - of what has been going on with you without expecting anything in return.)
1. The former friend's "destructive behaviors" are the perception of the OP and, even in her own retelling, are based on a lot of unproven assumptions mixed with a little of what she has actually seen, all subject to interpretation.

2. She's already done this and the friend has made it very clear that she's unreceptive to all such overtures. No point at all beating the dead horse!
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Old 01-02-2013, 07:50 AM
 
511 posts, read 425,654 times
Reputation: 793
Move on.....
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Old 01-02-2013, 10:05 AM
 
Location: NW Indiana
40,200 posts, read 15,174,148 times
Reputation: 102168
Thread moved to Non-romantic Relationships forum.
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