U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Non-Romantic Relationships
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 01-06-2013, 03:18 AM
 
Location: NW side of Chicago
5 posts, read 5,941 times
Reputation: 13

Advertisements

I lived at home w/my mom until I was 47 years old.
Could never afford to live on my own for various reasons (low income, many animals to care for, etc) but finally found an affordable apartment & am only 10 mins away from my mom's house..
Problem is she is constantly laying the " guilt trip" on me saying "you've lived at home all these years and now that I'm not in the best of health decide to move out & leave your mother all alone"...
Or she"ll say all the money you've paid in rent you could have lived w/me & I would gave saved it for you so you could have paid off your car, bills, etc, instead your landlord gets all that money & he doesn't need it since he's got more money then he knows what to do with"..

When I tell her "mom, it's not normal" for a grown woman whose 50 years old to live at home w/her mother"..

""You ask anyone & they will tell you the same thing"..

Know what she says to that?

"I don't care about what other people think".

When I tell her it's also about not having "privacy" to have friends come over to entertain, etc...
But she just shrugs & says.. "that's ridiculous, you know you can have your friends over"...

Ugh!!!

She doesn't get it..
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 01-06-2013, 08:19 AM
 
177 posts, read 351,238 times
Reputation: 337
I'm sorry you've waited so long to get independent. I know a 35 year old man in the same situation and it's sad to watch. Your mom will be hurt and continue to make digs but you can't control her emotions. Just live your life in your new place, and be kind to her. Best of luck.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-06-2013, 08:44 AM
 
16,019 posts, read 19,688,452 times
Reputation: 26200
Good for you. Sure, she is upset...And, as you know your moving is long over due by "normal" standards...But you did it. Congratulations!! I would look for some supportive friends to whom you can vent when your Mom pesters you about moving, so you can stay calm and not let this become an issue that keeps you from being a supportive daughter, etc. CD is a good place to vent too
You have done nothing wrong....Have a happy life!

Last edited by JanND; 01-06-2013 at 08:45 AM.. Reason: edit text
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-06-2013, 08:47 AM
 
Location: North Fulton
1,039 posts, read 2,041,321 times
Reputation: 600
Though somewhat late, at least you have your independence. I guess now if she harps on you, you can ignore her much easily. Sorry, she cannot see the change in your life the way you do. Maybe in time she will get used to the arrangement.

Last edited by berkeleylake; 01-06-2013 at 09:13 AM..
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-06-2013, 09:17 AM
 
4,787 posts, read 9,303,592 times
Reputation: 12632
Mom is not worried about you- she's being selfish and only worried about how this impacts her. Time to train mom. You can't argue with someone who won't argue back.

The next time mom brings up the subject of you moving out, stop her immediately and tell her it is a done deal and you're not going to discuss it any more and it will not be a topic of conversation. If it is, you'll leave your visit.

Mom won't believe you and will continue complaining. Get up and leave immediately. Say good-bye sweetly and go quickly/ out the door immediately. Don't go back for a week. If you're on the phone and she whines, say good bye pleasantly and hang up. Don't call back for a few days. You won't have to do it too often before she gets the hint. But you have to do it 100% of the time without fail for it to work.

In the meantime, try to see how mom can fill in the hours of her life. Suggest she go to the senior center, invite friends over, etc. Try to get her interested in something other than you. Help her arrange for things that need doing around the house, like hiring someone to mow the lawn if needed, or maybe once every couple weeks a housekeeper can in or a handyman to fix things.

As for yourself, enjoy your new life , don't let mom be the only focus of your life. She's part of it, but not the entirety. Put aside any guilt you might have. Children grow up and leave the nest- this is normal, this is the way the world works, you just waited decades longer than most.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-06-2013, 09:24 AM
 
13,826 posts, read 14,655,855 times
Reputation: 11512
try not to feel guilty you have given her enough time. she will adjust. continue to call her go see her. maybe make a get together night of the week to catch up, have dinner. remind her you are way past being adult, this is your decision she needs to respect it. if she can't you will stop visiting so often as her continuing to question your choices in life at this age feels like disrespect and is hurtful
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-06-2013, 09:29 AM
 
2,496 posts, read 2,531,874 times
Reputation: 4337
I don't think you need to feel guilty about having lived with her for so long (I know others who chose to do that). And you sure don't need to feel guilty about moving out when the time was right for you.

She will adapt. You may have to set boundaries for when you two do get together, as others have suggested. "Mom, lets do this or that, but my living on my own is not a topic for discussion." You may find that hard for you, too. But, look at this time as a chance to see each other and learn about each other in a new way.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-06-2013, 09:45 AM
 
3,752 posts, read 7,486,978 times
Reputation: 3711
Remind her of how fortunate she was to have you live with her for 47 years - instead of the usual 20 or so, then remind her that you moved 10 minutes away and not cross country. And then tell her you know how much she appreciates it. If she starts objecting - hit repeat.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-06-2013, 10:20 AM
 
Location: East Coast
2,903 posts, read 4,583,692 times
Reputation: 4291
Quote:
Originally Posted by willow wind View Post
As for yourself, enjoy your new life , don't let mom be the only focus of your life. She's part of it, but not the entirety. Put aside any guilt you might have. Children grow up and leave the nest- this is normal, this is the way the world works, you just waited decades longer than most.
Willow Wind has given you excellent advice! It is perfectly normal to want to be independent as an adult. Print out her reply and tape it to your bathroom mirror for those times when you feel you may cave under the weight of your mother's guilt trips.

I wish you the best of luck in your new endeavor. Enjoy!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-06-2013, 10:25 AM
 
76 posts, read 99,754 times
Reputation: 133
Oh, your mother totally gets it; she is doing this to you to give you a hard time. She knows very well how to play with your emotions, as matter of fact she knows you 47 years TOO WELL .

MY advice is to invite your friends over and have a party at your new place. SET boundaries with your mother, don't allow her to go ON and ON guilt tripping you about moving. The topic is OVER.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Non-Romantic Relationships
Similar Threads
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

© 2005-2019, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top