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I have a "friend" who has absolutely NO respect for others' boundaries. She bulldozes over everything and every idea.
For example, I recently had a court issue (long story, not important). She is knowledgable in the legal field so I asked for her help. I was trying to NEGOTIATE with the other side. She said she can speak to them for me and negotiate. I figured I would let her, thinking she would do what's in MY best interest. Nope.... she gave EVERYTHING to the other side. EVERY SINGLE THING they wanted without any thought or consideration for me or what I wanted or needed. Needless to say, I was and am furious!
There is absolutely NO turning back now. She already gave them every single thing they wanted, I got NOTHING, and they aren't going to change their minds and agree to negotiate now. She completely screwed the entire thing up and thinks it's fine. She sees nothing wrong with what she did.
She does this type of thing all the time..... never lets a person finish a thought or sentence without butting in and saying what she THINKS the other person is thinking or trying to say; she thinks she knows what's best for everyone; thinks she knows how others should raise their kids (even tho she has none), etc etc etc.
I am just completely furious with her right now. This lack of respect is insane. She completely destroyed any standing I would have had in the legal situation and I am now totally screwed.
We have been friends for 20+ years but this is the end. I have decided I no longer want this person in my life. I am changing my phone number to unlisted and am blocking her from my emails, etc.
My question is, would you TELL the person why you're doing this? Would you write them a letter (since she would never let you get the words out, anyway)? Or would you just change the phone, block the emails, have nothing to do with her?
No. Don't even bother. It would not be satisfying in the least.
Second, it's important to realize that the first time she did this stuff to you, it was her fault. After that, it was your fault for allowing it. You have had a bully as a so-called friend for years and you put up with it. So blaming her really does not speak to the real problem: Your apparent lack of self-respect.
I realize that this is water under the bridge, but even with your friend negotiating on your behalf, YOU had to ultimately agree to whatever she worked out in this legal tangle of yours. I mean, unless you gave her power of attorney (Which would have been incredibly dumb), you had to agree to the provisions of the agreement at some point. That makes the pickle you're in your fault, regardless of who represented you. I would also engage another attorney to see if he can extricate you from this mess.
I'm not saying that to make you feel bad. I'm saying it to help you understand your own culpability in all this, so that you can avoid similar fiascos in the years ahead.
Here's the deal. Never, ever, ever be friends with someone who doesn't make you feel good about yourself. Respect yourself enough to walk away. And that notion you have about tell her off? If you describe her accurately, she won't listen. So all it will do is infuriate you more.
The "negotiation" cannot be voided now. There is no way, no how the other side is going to turn back and if we go before a judge, I'm still going to be screwed. Either way, I'm on the losing end.
The point of the negotiation was so that both sides would get something. Now, I'm getting NOTHING. I guess this is her idea of negotiating: be nice to the other side and give them what they want?
Changing the phone number is no biggie. I rarely use my home phone so changing that is no problem. As for the cell, I can just hit "ignore" any time she tries to call.
There was no written authorization for her to talk for me but she DID send an email to the other side about what the "final agreement" is and how it's "fair to both sides".
I still cannot believe she did something this stupid. Once this is over, I do plan to write her a very to-the-point letter letting her know what I think of her "negotiations" and how she completely ruined everything and that I want nothing to do with her anymore.
Okay. I think this is baloney.
If your signature isn't on it, it's not a 'final agreement.' If what you say is really true, I would write to the judge that you NEVER were in agreement with these points, that you NEVER saw the correspondence between her and opposing counsel, and that you never agreed to the terms set forth -- This assumes, of course, that this woman never cc'd you on correspondence, e-mails, and the whatnot. And then I would go to the local bar association on this point. And if you're broke, call Legal Aid.
But until there's a signed agreement between you and the other party, there's always a way. So quit whining and do something about it.
Note: I gave the example using "conveyed ownership of property/possessions to others" not the OP (as he/she didn't explain the legal problem and i wanted to give a probable/possible example).
Actually I didn't recall your post when I made nine. I assumed property/possessions were involved because the OP said "she gave EVERYTHING to the other side. EVERY SINGLE THING". Things are owned and legally changing ownership usually requires a signed document/agreement of some sort to hold up in court if challenged.
I actually think the OP has boundary issues that have not been addressed.
YOU invited this friend into your legal issues. YOU allowed this friend to represent you.
YOU knew this friend was always "like this" as you've known her for years. I think it's important to accept your responsibility in this matter. A friend is a friend and should not be enlisted to provided professional services; that's a crossing of a boundary.
Is the friend even an attorney? Or was this just someone who is "knowledgeable in the legal field"? Even if she is an attorney (I'm guessing no, since that's not stated here), there are always ramifications to consider when you hire a friend or family member to provide a service, or when you otherwise mix business/money with personal relationships. That should be Boundaries 101.
To me this situation reads as:
"I had this legal issue for which I should have hired an actual attorney. Instead I enlisted my friend who is not a lawyer but who knows more than I do, to represent my interests in this legal battle. This friend has always been pushy, disrespectful, and always acts like she knows better than anyone else. Still, despite this, I showed very poor judgment and decided to let her act as my legal repesentative.
Then when she behaved exactly as expected and did what she wanted, not what I wanted, I am now angry at HER. I have no responsibility in this at all; it's all her fault."
I actually think the OP has boundary issues that have not been addressed.
YOU invited this friend into your legal issues. YOU allowed this friend to represent you.
YOU knew this friend was always "like this" as you've known her for years. I think it's important to accept your responsibility in this matter. A friend is a friend and should not be enlisted to provided professional services; that's a crossing of a boundary.
Is the friend even an attorney? Or was this just someone who is "knowledgeable in the legal field"? Even if she is an attorney (I'm guessing no, since that's not stated here), there are always ramifications to consider when you hire a friend or family member to provide a service, or when you otherwise mix business/money with personal relationships. That should be Boundaries 101.
To me this situation reads as:
"I had this legal issue for which I should have hired an actual attorney. Instead I enlisted my friend who is not a lawyer but who knows more than I do, to represent my interests in this legal battle. This friend has always been pushy, disrespectful, and always acts like she knows better than anyone else. Still, despite this, I showed very poor judgment and decided to let her act as my legal repesentative.
Then when she behaved exactly as expected and did what she wanted, not what I wanted, I am now angry at HER. I have no responsibility in this at all; it's all her fault."
Yes. I kind of agree with this. I'm really not trying to pile on to the OP, but c'mon.
If there was a legal issue at stake, I wouldn't go to the bathroom without a good attorney signing off on it. But even if an attorney recommends a course of action, the client still calls the shots. So I find it hard to believe that the other person simply hammered out an agreement without telling the OP about it, and I find it even harder to believe that such an agreement has the force of law behind it.
My question is, would you TELL the person why you're doing this? Would you write them a letter (since she would never let you get the words out, anyway)? Or would you just change the phone, block the emails, have nothing to do with her?
I'd just ignore her totally and write her off. If she somehow does cross paths with you (whether in person or email) that's when I'd let her know how you feel. Good luck.
The "negotiation" cannot be voided now. There is no way, no how the other side is going to turn back and if we go before a judge, I'm still going to be screwed. Either way, I'm on the losing end.
The point of the negotiation was so that both sides would get something. Now, I'm getting NOTHING. I guess this is her idea of negotiating: be nice to the other side and give them what they want?
Changing the phone number is no biggie. I rarely use my home phone so changing that is no problem. As for the cell, I can just hit "ignore" any time she tries to call.
There was no written authorization for her to talk for me but she DID send an email to the other side about what the "final agreement" is and how it's "fair to both sides".
I still cannot believe she did something this stupid. Once this is over, I do plan to write her a very to-the-point letter letting her know what I think of her "negotiations" and how she completely ruined everything and that I want nothing to do with her anymore.
I'm a little confused. Let's say Adult A (the other person) and Adult B (you) are trying to negotiate some problem or settlement. What difference does it make if Adult C (pushy friend) sends an email saying that the 'final agreement" is fair? Doesn't the "final agreement" have to be approved by you?
Maybe you should have five or six other friends email Adult A and state that a different "final agreement" (very favorable to you) is fair? I'm sort of joking, but if she (pushy friend) wasn't authorized to agree to a final agreement on your behalf how could she do that? I was assuming that she was doing some informal negotiating on your behalf but you had the final decision (or did she do things like pass on information that she shouldn't have passed on to the other side)?
Has your pushy friend told you whyshe thinks that "giving everything away" is fair to you?
Okay, to everyone who is wondering why I've had this person in my life so long.... First, like I said, we've been friends for 20+ years. We've been through hell and back together and have gotten one another through a lot and have helped one another in so many ways.
Second, while she may have ignored things in the past and been pushy about things, I have never let her "do" anything for me in the capacity of what happened in this instance. There were many instances where I would distance myself from her --- sometimes for months at a time ---- simply because of the way she is. The only reason I kept our friendship was because of all we had gone through together and what we have done for one another (things not many people on this earth have been through and survived)
In this instance, the ONLY reason I allowed her to negotiate is because she is very good in legal matters. Negotiating for yourself is never a good idea because of the emotions involved. I thought having her negotiate would have been a good thing.
The reason the agreement had to be final was because once she gave them everything, that was it. She even told them things she never should have told them. There was NO turning back for them. And why would they??? They were handed everything on a silver platter. The only thing she didn't give them was a fruit basket and a bottle of wine to celebrate.
Oh well. The friendship is over. I can never, ever trust her again nor can I even talk to her after the stupidity of her actions.
I've decided to not even write her a letter. It's not worth my time or effort. She wouldn't "get it" anyway.
Okay, but you still can't seem to take responsibility for this.
This was a legal matter. I wouldn't let anyone negotiate a legal matter unless that person was an attorney. So you entrusted your affairs to a blowhard, the village idiot, someone utterly unqualified to represent you. Why in the name of all that is holy?
Yeah, she totally screwed the pooch for you, and you should be made at her. But you should be angry at yourself, too. I mean, would you let someone who has only taken accounting 101 do the taxes on a highly complicated estate? Would you let a day laborer to plan a civil engineering project?
Don't think for a moment that I'm not angry at myself. I am. I couldn't hire an attorney because I do not have that amount of money. So, it was either negotiate myself or let a third party do it for me. Again, she is very good in legal matters --- actually better than most attorneys --- and that's why I asked her to do it for me.
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