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Old 01-23-2013, 01:43 PM
 
13 posts, read 24,020 times
Reputation: 24

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I'll cut to the chase:

I used to live in one state and moved away out West to study. That's where I met my wife and ended up living in that part of the country for 10 years. Recently we had our first baby. I wanted him to grow up close to my family as my siblings have kids his age. We made a rushed move East (long story in itself).

The point is we moved, have been here for 4 months now and I haven't found a job, though some calls are coming in now. Let me preface this by saying I know this process takes time, I have done it before.
Out of the blue came a job posting for a company back West, it sounded good and I knew the contact person so out of curiosity I asked for info about it like pay, benefits, etc. and that was that...for a few weeks. Then the contact from out West contacted me telling me about upcoming opportunities.

At the time I was feeling like my family was not being supportive and even dismissing how we were feeling about the whole move, how difficult it was to leave our house, friends, and my wife's family behind. So I decided to send my resume to see what they would offer me, to not limit myself to here.

After a few weeks of back and forth, the company is offering me a very sweet deal, including paying for our move back -- this offer is something I would have considered amazing if we were still out West and would have rushed to call my family to tell them about the exciting news. The issue now is I feel so guilty for even considering this because my family is so happy we have moved close to them, especially having their grandson/cousin/nephew nearby. They don't like talking about us being sad, etc. but they are really happy we are here.

After mulling it over for a few days I discussed it with my family, one by one, and for the most part they seemed supportive of looking more into it, although one family member was so devastated because they had so many dreams of things we could do together with the kids. And believe me, I had those dreams too and looked forward to living close to my siblings after a decade apart. We kept in touch through texting, email and skype but it's different than going on trips together or visiting in person. The hard part is when reality hits: our bank account is dwindling, my wife is depressed and frustrated at our situation, our parenting style is different than my siblings, a job could come up tomorrow or in a year, and it could come up in some city we have never been to (near my family but still unknown to us). Spending time with family is great but it's the day-to-day life that is hard.

I know logically that at some point some good opportunity will come up here -- it has only been four months, but how long do I let this keep going? banking on something decent to come up, in some new place we might not know...or do I take this unexpected opportunity out West and move back? Disappointing my family (and myself) and forgetting about my dream of having my son grow up with my side of the family? On the other hand my parents said they are proud of me for even having this opportunity, and we could get ahead financially and professionally. And it would make my wife happy by moving closer to her Mom and friends.

In our relationship it has always been me that had to live away from my family. We took the leap to change turns but very quickly it seems like I'll be the one making the sacrifice again... not having a day-to-day relationship with my parents (I looked forward to spending time with my Dad).

Anyway, that's my dilemma right now. Maybe someone here has been on the same boat. Logically I am leaning toward moving back West, but emotionally I would like to stay to see my Mom as happy as she gets spending time with her grandson.

My Dad that said that if we move back everyone will be sad but will quickly get back into their lives, plus they could visit and we could too like before. If I decline this job offer and stay here (East), they could help us financially a little but we would have to be okay with waiting perhaps months and months, taking odd jobs if necessary to make ends meet until a dream job comes up. I don't know if our marriage can take it is the thing. Living in someone's house is hard after you've been independent for over a decade. My wife is supportive and says she'll support me no matter what, but I know her heart is not in this.

What would you do? Thanks in advance for any insights.
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Old 01-23-2013, 02:10 PM
 
Location: The Triad (NC)
31,380 posts, read 69,812,226 times
Reputation: 37479
Quote:
Originally Posted by capam View Post
We made a rushed move East (long story in itself)... and I haven't found a job
...the company is offering me a very sweet deal, including paying for our move back
And it would make my wife happy by moving closer to her Mom and friends.
I'll cut to the chase: you've already answered your question.
Now you have to act on it.

Good luck in the new job.
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Old 01-23-2013, 02:19 PM
 
Location: On the corner of Grey Street
6,128 posts, read 9,040,672 times
Reputation: 11726
This is really really tough. I feel for you and I'm kind of struggling with the same issue myself. I moved out west (to CO) from VA. All of my family is in VA. I actually have a good job here, nice apartment, settled with friends...but man, I really miss my family and the thought of living the rest of my life away from them breaks my heart. I don't have a spouse or kids at this point, but I cannot imagine having children who only see their grandparents a couple times a year. Or when/if my brother has kids and my kids don't know their cousins. I think for me I'll probably head home soon unless something unforseen happens.

Perhaps I am biased given my own situation, but I don't know if anything can make up for being away from your family. Obviously if you were going to be homeless then maybe you should take the job, but I think if I had some flexibility I would stick it out to be with my family. I'm sure something will turn up if you keep trying, maybe even a better opportunity than this one. Maybe you could make a pros and cons list of staying or leaving, sometimes that helps me when making a big decision, to see it written down. Where do you see yourself being the happiest?
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Old 01-23-2013, 02:28 PM
 
Location: Florida
2,291 posts, read 5,261,822 times
Reputation: 5256
Mama not happy...ain't nobody happy!

IMO, now is the time to aggressively persue your career, you'll blink and your age will start working against you.

We live in a mobile society, by plane, you are only a few hours away.

Good Luck!
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Old 01-23-2013, 05:27 PM
 
11,116 posts, read 16,810,713 times
Reputation: 10096
Quote:
Originally Posted by capam View Post
I'll cut to the chase:

I used to live in one state and moved away out West to study. That's where I met my wife and ended up living in that part of the country for 10 years. Recently we had our first baby. I wanted him to grow up close to my family as my siblings have kids his age. We made a rushed move East (long story in itself).

The point is we moved, have been here for 4 months now and I haven't found a job, though some calls are coming in now. Let me preface this by saying I know this process takes time, I have done it before.
Out of the blue came a job posting for a company back West, it sounded good and I knew the contact person so out of curiosity I asked for info about it like pay, benefits, etc. and that was that...for a few weeks. Then the contact from out West contacted me telling me about upcoming opportunities.

At the time I was feeling like my family was not being supportive and even dismissing how we were feeling about the whole move, how difficult it was to leave our house, friends, and my wife's family behind. So I decided to send my resume to see what they would offer me, to not limit myself to here.

After a few weeks of back and forth, the company is offering me a very sweet deal, including paying for our move back -- this offer is something I would have considered amazing if we were still out West and would have rushed to call my family to tell them about the exciting news. The issue now is I feel so guilty for even considering this because my family is so happy we have moved close to them, especially having their grandson/cousin/nephew nearby. They don't like talking about us being sad, etc. but they are really happy we are here.

After mulling it over for a few days I discussed it with my family, one by one, and for the most part they seemed supportive of looking more into it, although one family member was so devastated because they had so many dreams of things we could do together with the kids. And believe me, I had those dreams too and looked forward to living close to my siblings after a decade apart. We kept in touch through texting, email and skype but it's different than going on trips together or visiting in person. The hard part is when reality hits: our bank account is dwindling, my wife is depressed and frustrated at our situation, our parenting style is different than my siblings, a job could come up tomorrow or in a year, and it could come up in some city we have never been to (near my family but still unknown to us). Spending time with family is great but it's the day-to-day life that is hard.

I know logically that at some point some good opportunity will come up here -- it has only been four months, but how long do I let this keep going? banking on something decent to come up, in some new place we might not know...or do I take this unexpected opportunity out West and move back? Disappointing my family (and myself) and forgetting about my dream of having my son grow up with my side of the family? On the other hand my parents said they are proud of me for even having this opportunity, and we could get ahead financially and professionally. And it would make my wife happy by moving closer to her Mom and friends.

In our relationship it has always been me that had to live away from my family. We took the leap to change turns but very quickly it seems like I'll be the one making the sacrifice again... not having a day-to-day relationship with my parents (I looked forward to spending time with my Dad).

Anyway, that's my dilemma right now. Maybe someone here has been on the same boat. Logically I am leaning toward moving back West, but emotionally I would like to stay to see my Mom as happy as she gets spending time with her grandson.

My Dad that said that if we move back everyone will be sad but will quickly get back into their lives, plus they could visit and we could too like before. If I decline this job offer and stay here (East), they could help us financially a little but we would have to be okay with waiting perhaps months and months, taking odd jobs if necessary to make ends meet until a dream job comes up. I don't know if our marriage can take it is the thing. Living in someone's house is hard after you've been independent for over a decade. My wife is supportive and says she'll support me no matter what, but I know her heart is not in this.

What would you do? Thanks in advance for any insights.

Been there, done that, regretted it. Your last paragraph says it all. Do not make an emotional decision; make a decision based on what is best for the future of your own little family, your career, and your future. Everything else will fall into place. Best wishes ! We can see you smiling now.
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Old 01-24-2013, 06:37 AM
 
Location: The Triad (NC)
31,380 posts, read 69,812,226 times
Reputation: 37479
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dollydo View Post
...now is the time to aggressively persue your career
We live in a mobile society, by plane, you are only a few hours away.



Mama not happy...ain't nobody happy!
^What she said
Attached Thumbnails
To move or not to move away from family...-mamahappy.jpg  
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Old 01-24-2013, 07:04 AM
 
Location: Where the heart is...
4,923 posts, read 4,330,348 times
Reputation: 10619
Default This

Quote:
Originally Posted by strawberrykiki View Post
This is really really tough. I feel for you and I'm kind of struggling with the same issue myself. I moved out west (to CO) from VA. All of my family is in VA. I actually have a good job here, nice apartment, settled with friends...but man, I really miss my family and the thought of living the rest of my life away from them breaks my heart. I don't have a spouse or kids at this point, but I cannot imagine having children who only see their grandparents a couple times a year. Or when/if my brother has kids and my kids don't know their cousins. I think for me I'll probably head home soon unless something unforseen happens.

Perhaps I am biased given my own situation, but I don't know if anything can make up for being away from your family. Obviously if you were going to be homeless then maybe you should take the job, but I think if I had some flexibility I would stick it out to be with my family. I'm sure something will turn up if you keep trying, maybe even a better opportunity than this one. Maybe you could make a pros and cons list of staying or leaving, sometimes that helps me when making a big decision, to see it written down. Where do you see yourself being the happiest?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dollydo View Post
Mama not happy...ain't nobody happy!

IMO, now is the time to aggressively persue your career, you'll blink and your age will start working against you.

We live in a mobile society, by plane, you are only a few hours away.

Good Luck!
and this ^

The way I see it is you have to take care of your family first (in all matters, financially, emotionally, etc.) and then make concessions and considerations for your initial family. You can accomplish this by making a concerted effort to return back east when there are the biggie holidays and plan for family adventures in the summer as well. Just my two cents here!

Best of luck and complete success, whatever you decide to do!

Best regards, sincerely

HomeIsWhere...
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Old 01-24-2013, 10:58 AM
 
Location: under the beautiful Carolina blue
19,930 posts, read 29,752,917 times
Reputation: 15761
Is your wife a stay at home mom? That's a huge consideration. She needs to be where she can be happy.

I'll be honest with you, kids grow up fast. THe idea that you're going to spend every weekend with your sibs and their kids is a bit of a pipedream as life gets in the way - weekend sports, homework, after school activities....the older kids get the harder it is to find time to get together with your family. I can totally understand your dilemma. But, you also need to do what's best economically for your family. You really can't put anything else above that.

Good luck with your decision.
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Old 01-24-2013, 11:12 AM
 
Location: Loudon, TN
7,931 posts, read 6,293,189 times
Reputation: 27469
So if you move, you will be away from your family of origin. And if you don't, then your wife will be away from her family of origin. So either way someone will be "sad". But if you move, you'll have financial success and the ability to purchase plane tickets to visit your family, and further your career, and send your kids to better schools, and provide for them and your wife instead of hanging out on unemployment and hoping to find a decent job. Seems pretty simple to me.

I live near my adult sibs and we all see each other 3 times a year if we're lucky. When we talk of moving, as we often do, they get all "ooh, we'll be sad if you leave" but they don't try to get together more often, or even suggest that they'll travel to see us. It's always "how often will you come home to visit?"...
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Old 01-24-2013, 11:19 AM
 
16,108 posts, read 21,704,019 times
Reputation: 26531
Take your Dad's words to heart. You have to do what is best for the family you and your wife have created. I'd advise to take that job offer is it is as good as you describe...Great that they will pay for your move back too!

I think you realize this, you just are worried about hurting your siblings. It is not something you are choosing to do on purpose, and you can visit back and forth. And, no it isn't that same as living there day to day. But, it can work.

I am happy that you have the job opportunity. So many people are without such a great offer. Congrats..and keep us posted.
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