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Can you accept the idea that not everyone will be your friend, & that is not necessarily all your fault?
If you are introverted, it may take people longer to get to know you. And you likely know that indifference is not the same as hate. And your co-workers & others you met should understand this as well. Some peole are very impatient & want to judge a person instantly. They may not be the best friends for you, anyway, if they include trivialities in their instant judgment.
Your friends joking that you "changed" when they got to know you, I think that may be their way of saying I'm sorry I had a negative first impression of you.
That's really giving those extroverts the benefit of the doubt (assuming there is some sort of apology in there)...very generous of you! I am not that generous. Knowing extroverted people are so focused on everyone else, I am going to assume that they are not thinking they were wrong about you - never!, but that you opened up to them and became a more friendly person simply by being in the sunshine of their extrovertedness.
Call me Miss Anthropic; what can I say.
OP: My suggestion from experience of being a lifelong introvert is to learn how to turn that nonsense on and off. Life is a stage, extroverts are on it and introverts are in the audience. Shove 'em off stage and learn how to control the situation. I have gotten to the point where I have been labeled extrovert by some people (which send me into gigglesnort fits because I just do. not. like. people.) some strangers, some coworkers - my OWN MOTHER has called me an extrovert and she knows damn well I am no extrovert which means either she's even fooled by my behavior when I pull that "extrovert mask" on or she doesn't really know what the difference between the two is. Could be either, or - or both. I like to think since there is a consistent mumble that I am extro rather than intro, I'm doing a good job faking it.
However. I cannot pull it off for long periods. And you won't be able to either; I find it emotionally and physically draining and find myself having to shut off phones, computers and all sorts of contact say on weekends (Friday night - all goes off) to recharge. I don't know how extros live like that. I guess they don't see it as work - it comes natural. For me it's like stacking and restacking bricks. Pointless and hard as hell.
So at the workplace you must learn when to use it and when to let it idle so you don't burn yourself out, but always keep that extro mask idling. It's a workplace requirement, unfortunately.
I agree with CA4Now. You don't need new skills, to be fixed, or medication. You're allowed to have whatever face you have. It doesn't have to have a matching fake plastered smile. However, you may need a new employer. This is a form of discrimination and it should be illegal. Evaluations are supposed to be about how you do your job, not about how you look or how much fun you are. Such silly s*** belongs in high school not in the professional work place.
Extroverts (IMNSHO) are all about being loud, center of attention, all eyes on them, and being in everyone else's business. People perceive this as 'friendly,' 'outgoing' and decidedly a more desirable personality particularly in the workplace. I find these people often are superficial, flaky, occasionally untrustworthy (because that mouth is always running and those ears are never set to the "ON" position) and difficult to maintain long-lasting friendships with.
Making these generalizations is no different than the extroverts generalizing that introverts are rude, have bad attitudes and don't like people.
I agree with CA4Now. You don't need new skills, to be fixed, or medication. You're allowed to have whatever face you have. It doesn't have to have a matching fake plastered smile. However, you may need a new employer. This is a form of discrimination and it should be illegal. Evaluations are supposed to be about how you do your job, not about how you look or how much fun you are. Such silly s*** belongs in high school not in the professional work place.
Yes, this is a form of discrimination. But discrimination goes on everywhere. Some of it is illegal, and some of it isn't. It's illegal where there's no bona fide need for what's "lacking".
I'll never be able to be a firefighter because I lack the physical strength. That's not illegal discrimination. Strength is a bona fide requirement of the job.
I'll never be able to be a salesperson because I lack sufficient outgoing-ness to deal with people all day. That's not illegal discrimination. That's a bona fide requirement for salespeople.
It's illegal where there's no bona fide need for what's "lacking".
Approximately 100% of this crap has nothing to do with the job - nothing. You don't have to be an extrovert to sell. You have to sell to sell. That's why it should be illegal because it has no basis in anything real, just nonsensical bias. It's all about we like this one but not that one and that should not be allowed to affect anyone's livelihood ever. It's petty and irrelevant.
Well, I am glad to know I'm not alone! The work discussion is interesting. The part that irritates me is that the team I work on LOVES me (not exaggerating, they tell me so all the time, including one person who has been there for over 20 years who tells me I'm the best person she's ever worked with). They are the people I really need to collaborate with and get along with anyway. It was noted on my evaluation that I had "connected with my team" and that I was a "valued and respected member" in that area, but that I had a "strained" relationship with bosses and others in the building reported me as "closed off" or "uncomfortable to work with." The thing is I really hate my bosses and they make me extremely anxious. It's much harder to act extroverted when I feel that way- it's so hard for me to be fake and "play the game."
I struggle with eye contact too although I've always forced myself to do it in a professional setting. It feels awkward to me. It also feels awkward to me to say "hi, how are you" every time I pass someone in the hallway even if it's the 6th time I've seen that person in the past few hours.
Socially, I think people have made some good points. Although it bothers me that people perceive me this way, I've always had a few friends that genuinely like me the way I am. I guess I should just not worry about what everyone else thinks.
I've learned to smile a little more. I too have a natural face that looks mad or sad. I have dark eyebrows and I'm black so you know people think I be mad all the time, LOL. I get the same stuff yo. It's annoying as heck being misunderstood.
Check this video out though, it'll help you understand yourself and help you learn to maintain your ninja swag will also knowing when to put on that smile and etc., when you have to because extroverts get insecure when they aren't being fed with attention
I feel like I'm reading about myself. Honestly, I don't even really like people so I don't care what they think about me. I'm shy and quiet and recharge my batteries by being by myself. I have friends who accept me for who I am as an introvert and don't try to push me outside of my comfort zone. If you have friends and are functioning in society, why do you care if your coworkers like you or not? It isn't a rule that you have to be friends with people you work with...
Make sure not to confuse being shy with introversion. You can be shy and introverted but you can also be introverted and not be shy at all. Shy, in my opinion, is an extreme. Don't get me wrong, I can be shy too at times but I realize that's my problem and sometimes I can miss out on things or etc., because I'm shy. I've taught myself to stop being that way and to enjoy my introspection without being trapped by fear (shyness). Food for thought.
Making these generalizations is no different than the extroverts generalizing that introverts are rude, have bad attitudes and don't like people.
I enjoy when people say that intros have a bad attitude/ don't like people...the thought never, ever occurs to that extrovert that maybe it's just them I don't like. The concept is alien to them. Someone doesn't like ME? But but but I'm....ME!
These are the extreme extroverts I come in contact with. A fair amount of people fall in a huge middle range. And like all introverts, your opinion of me and my opinion means zilch (to me).
Last edited by 3DogNight; 01-26-2013 at 06:39 AM..
Well, I am glad to know I'm not alone! The work discussion is interesting. The part that irritates me is that the team I work on LOVES me (not exaggerating, they tell me so all the time, including one person who has been there for over 20 years who tells me I'm the best person she's ever worked with). They are the people I really need to collaborate with and get along with anyway. It was noted on my evaluation that I had "connected with my team" and that I was a "valued and respected member" in that area, but that I had a "strained" relationship with bosses and others in the building reported me as "closed off" or "uncomfortable to work with." The thing is I really hate my bosses and they make me extremely anxious. It's much harder to act extroverted when I feel that way- it's so hard for me to be fake and "play the game."
I struggle with eye contact too although I've always forced myself to do it in a professional setting. It feels awkward to me. It also feels awkward to me to say "hi, how are you" every time I pass someone in the hallway even if it's the 6th time I've seen that person in the past few hours.
Socially, I think people have made some good points. Although it bothers me that people perceive me this way, I've always had a few friends that genuinely like me the way I am. I guess I should just not worry about what everyone else thinks.
Being the quiet, solid core of any freewheeling group is never easy. Management gravitates to being extroverted and looks for "people who remind me of me" and always has. They are not geared towards understanding the introvert nature say like teachers are. In socializing with my husband's clients - a solidly extroverted group - I notice even though they have known each other for almost as long as we have known them (8yrs?) they don't have a clue about each other beyond gossipy, superficial chatter. The people who have stayed the course and gotten to know you are the ones that will truly like you. Extros don't quite gel with people who don't gravitate to what they perceive as their sunshiny nature and as intros we shy from that (I know I do!)
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