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Old 02-02-2013, 10:25 PM
 
244 posts, read 706,342 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jtab4994 View Post
LOL if you ever want to meet a nice quiet, reserved boy I can hook you up with my son. He's graduating high school this year and has a 4-year academic scholarship to a state school.

My wife and I have always encouraged him to go to school dances, friends' parties, and so forth, but he never wants to go. That's just his personality and we are beginning to accept it though we'd really prefer that he would want to socialize more. His one social outlet is sports, being on the baseball and soccer teams gets him out of the house a lot, but usually only for practices and games.

So, based on my personal experience as the father of someone who seems like you in some ways, RH360, it's not weird that you don't have friends and I'd advise you to just keep on keepin' on and be yourself. If being yourself means keeping to yourself, so be it. There will come a time when you'll want to socialize but choose to attend events you will enjoy.
lol I'm the same exact way, for me though I never went to a single party in HS or college because I never really saw myself as someone who could fit in. It's perfectly normal and he seems to be a healthy kid considering he's actively participating in sports and he has an academic scholarship (better than me, I'm naturally beyond lazy). I think he'll start to branch out more when he starts to go to college because he'll be an environment exposed to new things.
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Old 02-02-2013, 10:26 PM
 
861 posts, read 1,247,330 times
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It's not weird. It's natural if you're a loner.
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Old 02-02-2013, 11:50 PM
 
7,934 posts, read 8,570,189 times
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People have different levels of social interaction they feel they need to maintain their equilibrium. I have friends but I'm a low-energy socializer and always have been. Part of it a little bit is growing up too. It's not all about partying and meeting as many new people as possible when you get up into your later 20's and early 30's. It becomes a challenge just to maintain old/current friendships let alone invest a lot of time into new ones.
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Old 02-03-2013, 03:23 PM
 
6,066 posts, read 15,020,617 times
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Sometimes I think it's difficult, especially for people in their twenties or even thirties these days, to find friends who don't drink or party too much.

If you aren't a drinker or have no desire to be around smoking, drinking, etc. it really limits your options socially, unfortunately. This was my experience in high school. I only had two or three friends in high school because they were the only people I met who weren't into drugs or binge drinking or partying or whatever. And even they got into it our senior year, so my senior year I was pretty much a loner. I had no interest at all in getting involved with or being around that stuff (my parents were into that so I had seen the damage it does), so it was hard to find other people my age at that time who felt the same way I did (wanting to live clean and sober), who were still cool or that I related to in any way. I wanted to go out and have fun, just not drink or get high or whatever. It's astounding how many people just don't understand that concept. Too many people think you have to drink or smoke to have a good time. It's really sad.
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Old 02-03-2013, 03:52 PM
 
Location: New England
1,211 posts, read 2,569,998 times
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No, it's not weird not to have friends. IMO, a genuinely nice person who doesn't play games and acts in a manner of true friendship is hard to come by.

Dealing with people shouldn't be a chore.
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Old 02-04-2013, 11:25 AM
 
215 posts, read 307,476 times
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Don't worry! This happened to me years ago, so I can relate to this! I am married now and have one child... but it's been years since I talked to my high school & college friends. And we used to be together all the time, we went to kindergarten together, too, but suddenly we stopped talking. I'd say I only have one best friend now, from work, and a few other friends I may not see all the time, but we try to stay in touch whenever--and that's OK. I'm at ease with myself.
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Old 02-04-2013, 11:27 AM
 
215 posts, read 307,476 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by haggardhouseelf View Post
Sometimes I think it's difficult, especially for people in their twenties or even thirties these days, to find friends who don't drink or party too much.

If you aren't a drinker or have no desire to be around smoking, drinking, etc. it really limits your options socially, unfortunately. This was my experience in high school. I only had two or three friends in high school because they were the only people I met who weren't into drugs or binge drinking or partying or whatever. And even they got into it our senior year, so my senior year I was pretty much a loner. I had no interest at all in getting involved with or being around that stuff (my parents were into that so I had seen the damage it does), so it was hard to find other people my age at that time who felt the same way I did (wanting to live clean and sober), who were still cool or that I related to in any way. I wanted to go out and have fun, just not drink or get high or whatever. It's astounding how many people just don't understand that concept. Too many people think you have to drink or smoke to have a good time. It's really sad.
I agree...why do people need alcohol to have a good time?
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Old 02-04-2013, 03:04 PM
 
9,238 posts, read 22,842,854 times
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I think the OP's mom is worrying for no reason, but this is typical of non-loner parents when they have children who happen to be loners. You are right around the age where I "came out" as a loner and embraced that part of myself.

All through my childhood, my mom fretted over my lack of social involvement. I always had friends, but I preferred to hang out with one friend at a time. I would go to slumber parties or birthday parties because I was expected to, even though I'd rather be reading or drawing or playing alone. I could be friendly and have fun and joke around with other kids, but it was not my preference. I remember my mom finding me perfectly happy, playing alone in the back yard, and forcing me to go play with some girl down the street until I cried. I had been busy and very intent on what I was doing, and she wanted me to go do something inane like jump rope with some girl I hardly knew.

I'm like my Dad; we're loners. We have social skills, and relate to people just fine. We just prefer to do this in moderation ("moderation" meaning "minimally"). My Mom used to always give my Dad a hard time about not wanting to go out and socialize with her. She would often have a lot of anger, and both my Dad and me, for our lack of interest in socializing, calling my Dad "the hermit" and mocking me, saying I wouldn't be popular if I kept acting like this. It was like she had a mission in life to change us. My sister is like my mom; the social butterfly with hundreds of friends, always on the phone with someone, etc. If I'm using my phone, I'm probably looking up something in an online encyclopedia or reading news stories, not texting people or facebooking.

Through most of my childhood, I believed I was shy. But this was because my Mom decided to label me "shy." She believed I had a low self esteem, or social anxiety, and that I was "painfully shy" instead of just recognizing that I just preferred not be around people a lot. But since I was a kid who didn't understand about lonership, I believed her, that I must be shy with a low self esteem.

By the time I hit college, I became very social, going to parties all the time, dating a lot, having lots of friends. This was my self-imposed self-help therapy attempt to "get over my shyness" when I got to start fresh in college where no one knew me as the shy brainy girl. After about a year and a half of heavy-duty socializing, I had this epiphany: I wasn't shy at all. I just wanted to get away from people and keep my contacts of a higher quality but lesser quantity. I realized that people just exhausted me. I realized I had a pretty decent self esteem (not too low, not grandiose, but realistic) and my tendency to isolate did not arise from any fear of people. I just preferred and needed time alone.

I'm in my early 40s now, and very happy with the amount of social contact I have in my life. I'm successful in my career and I do have friends (I just don't get together with them as much as non-loners do). Tell your mom how you fall into this same category. Explain how the majority of people are "filled up" or "energized" by human contact, and uncomfortable with solitude, but loners get drained or depleted by social contact and we re-energize or re-fill ourselves with time alone. She'll never understand it viscerally, like my mom, who is 65 now and still sometimes prefers to think of me as shy. But she might understand it intellectually.
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Old 02-04-2013, 03:48 PM
 
Location: On the corner of Grey Street
6,126 posts, read 10,089,681 times
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Do you want friends? The part of your post where you mention not trusting people makes me think maybe you would like to have a few friends but you just don't trust them not to disappoint you. Earlier this year I lost someone I thought was one of my very best friends. We used to talk everyday, we even lived together for a year, and we told each other everything. It sucks when you really care about someone and you realize they aren't the person you thought they were. It happens though. Disappointment is part of life. I have a lot of friends I enjoy doing things with but I wouldn't say I would be upset or disappointed if we weren't friends anymore.

I like to socialize and I don't usually have a problem making friends but I like my alone time too and I've been a bit of a hermit lately. Lately I go home after work and hang out with my dog, make dinner, read, whatever and I haven't felt like going out. As long as you are happy and don't feel anything is missing from your life then don't worry what anyone else says. I'm sure your mom just wants you to be happy.
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Old 02-04-2013, 05:15 PM
 
Location: Southern California
12,704 posts, read 14,876,224 times
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My mom used to worry more about me years ago not having many friends. For the last decade now, I don't recall her asking if I have a pal to do something with. These days, she's concerned about me getting married. She wants it to happen because I'm a bit away from being in my 20s anymore.

Quote:
Originally Posted by DFOR View Post
No, it's not weird not to have friends. IMO, a genuinely nice person who doesn't play games and acts in a manner of true friendship is hard to come by...
I'm one of those types of rare people & wouldn't you know it, I don't really have friends.
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