Is it weird I don't have friends? (person, member, bitterness)
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I've made threads about this before, mostly about being a loner or not trusting people. But I wanted to ask another question about the subject of "not considering others as friends or getting too close". Naturally, I'm distrustful towards most people, I've been disappointed so many times by people I considered my friend, and usually it makes me mad when people aren't honest with me. This isn't a pity post, last night I had a long conversation with my Mom about "not going out" and "making friends" like my brother does. I told her I don't go out, since I'm normally antisocial ( I can have a conversation, I can joke with people and usually I'm calm) but I don't because I'm tired of dealing with people. I have people text me (usually when they need something, like advice) but I started to not want to talk to anyone. I deleted most of everyone's numbers from my phone, ( I can recognize their number though). But I'm at the point where I keep my distance from most people. I don't stay home all day though, I go to school, (getting my degree at the end of the year and I plan on starting my care graduate).
My mom tells me she's worried that I don't socialize often, and wants me to join a program for people who have a hard time socializing ( I won't be going because I can socialize, I choose not to when it's not needed and it's a distraction from my college plans.
That being said, is it weird that I prefer being a loner? I'm tired of dealing with fake people and I'd rather focus on my education and getting into my career.
I don't think there's anything wrong with not having friends, theoretically speaking. Like you, I myself am uncomfortable with making friends and am generally weary and distrustful of people based on past experiences. Plus, I like to keep busy with my life and dislike wasting my time.
Having said that, there are some practical reasons why it is a good idea to have at least a few friends. You may need them for help or future references from time to time.
Better no friends as bad or fake or superficial "friends".
Exactly, the same thing always happens to me. I'm tired of fake friends and I really don't have time for them. I'm thinking about getting rid of one person, who's been awfully a pain in my ass for the past year and her random outbursts.
I'm in the same boat. I have work friends but that's it. Nobody I can really count on or trust or just to talk to. At least you have your mom. I would give anything to still have my mom. I have no family, but my son. So sometimes it would be nice to have real friends. But the people I know only talk to me when they want something.
I go through life mostly feeling rather disconnected too. I have plenty of acquaintances, people I work with and such, but I've had fewer close "friends" in life than I can count on one hand, and in the end, each of those friendships wound up being garbage, usually because I felt used or because one or both of us moved and the other didn't care to have a long distance friendship I guess. I often wonder if people who are nice to my face hate me really. All of this makes it hard to even want to trust anybody enough to be a friend.
But feeling inherently unlikeable and friendless does not feel good. Some instinct leads me to keep trying, even a little, and to be open to potential friendships.
Thus far the only good area I've got in this regard is that I have a near-obsession with a particular band, it's almost a hobby interest I guess. I collect related merch and travel to shows when I can, I see them at least a couple times a year. I've become "friends" with the band members (though I use the word loosely...I feel it's more of an acquaintanceship but the singer insists that we are friends/family/whatever.) More importantly I have developed some contacts among the fan community online and I feel optimistic about real friendship being there with a few of those. We've met in person a few times and talk online a lot.
So I feel like...it seems to work alright if you find people who share something in common that's a really big deal to you. Maybe that's the key. I dunno.
I also have the need for ground rules with friendships. Don't make me feel obligated, that's the first one. Careful how and if money is involved or material favors like buying food or whatever for a "friend." I'm a generous person, so I must guard against being taken advantage of... No loans. Ever. If I decide to do something, it is a gift, no strings attached. If a friend is determined to pay it back, I tell them to pay it forward instead, or donate to a charity. Give to someone else. That way there can never be any bitterness over it. And no friend can ask, demand, or specifically request money from me. I have to be the one to volunteer. If a friend asks for money, it's over. After all, if a friend tells me their troubles, if I'm able to help I'll probably offer. If I don't offer and you ask, it's an imposition.
I usually actually explain these things to people I know in the course of natural conversation as a friendship starts to develop, so they will know how I feel about it. I don't expect people to know my rules without being told.
It's only weird to those who don't get "it", which happens to be the vast majority of the American population and world. Most other countries don't have our social problems because their cultures are so different. The very idea of not being social and having friends baffles them when I tell them I choose not to have friends. I'm quite social and outgoing, but I've found that it's much easier not to have friends, or on the rare occasion when a person does become one, I refuse to ever refer to them as a "friend" (even if they ask me out right) because when they F it up, it's so much easier to continue on without the attached emotions.
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