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It's pretty embarrassing to admit it, but I am super anxious about telling my mom about a potential relationship. I'm 24, youngest of 5, live at home with the parents, and work full-time. I have my bachelors degree and work a job that pays decent and is enjoyable. I live at home now mostly to help my parents (who are both in their 60s and with some health problems) and also to focus the bulk of my income on paying off debt. Thing is, I've never really dated before and for all my mom knows, I've never dated at all.
Several months back I met a guy through friends who lives about an hour away from here. We've built up a solid friendship since then through Facebook, Skype and FaceTime. Weary of being "catfished" I've done a background check on him and he's (a) not crazy (b) has a good job, is educated and (c) is overall a very nice guy. We're a good match to date, which is something we've been discussing as of late.
We've decided we'd like to have our first date a week from Saturday. I'm excited about it. We've hit it off great so far and through video chat, and I have no doubt given our personalities that we'll hit it off well in person. We both want the same things, have the same morals etc.
I've mentioned this guy to my mom before and how he and I text/play Xbox, and she gets extremely mad. She's what I guess you could call an overprotective mom. She doesn't understand why I would want to date and I'm guessing is afraid of losing me, or of me going the route my siblings did (in lying to her and sneaking out....which is ridiculous considering the fact that I am 24, an adult).
It's very frustrating, because I really like this guy and want to give us a fair shot to build a relationship that could potentially be long lasting. At the same time, I don't want to have to choose between him and my mom--I'd like to have a solid mother-daughter relationship and a good romantic relationship at the same time.
My mom isn't used to me "defying her" and this would be the first thing we've fought over...but I feel it's a fight worth having because I don't want to wonder "what if?" I really see real potential for this guy and I.
I'm not going to hide the relationship from my mom and would rather just tell her before my friend and I have our first date. However, I have no idea how to tell her in a way where she won't flip out about it. Any suggestions?
Why don't you see if he'll stop by the house and meet your mom like they did in the Old Times? I'd never do that myself, but it might help her feel less worried.
Just be matter of fact about it. Don't act like its a huge deal. Tell her you have a date on whatever night and that he'll be picking you up. Don't tell her too early. Just act like you're going out with a regular friend.
If she gets mad, just tell you're sorry she feels that way. You be the adult. Odds are she'll just want to know more about him and she might be secretly pleased.
Just be matter of fact about it. Don't act like its a huge deal. Tell her you have a date on whatever night and that he'll be picking you up. Don't tell her too early. Just act like you're going out with a regular friend.
If she gets mad, just tell you're sorry she feels that way. You be the adult. Odds are she'll just want to know more about him and she might be secretly pleased.
@ zentropa, honestly, I don't think most parents are like my mom. Don't give me wrong, I love her, but she seems to think by "protecting me" I'll avoid doing some of the things my siblings did. Thing is, I've never given her any trouble whatsoever and of all the kids, you'd think she'd trust me the most to make my own life choices.
I think also her having cancer a couple years back (luckily she's cancer-free now, but the fear is always there that it will return) may play a role in her "clinginess." We did sort of clash tonight about my friend/potential BF (I told her that I was going to play Xbox and chat with him tonight; she asked what was going on with him and I replied he's just a friend, what's the big deal) and it ended in me basically saying "Why are you so against me having friends? Do you know that one of my fears is that when you and dad are gone, I'll be alone with no friends or anything? So why are you mad at me for having friends now?" That left her speechless and she basically didn't bring the subject up again for the rest of the night.
Sadly, I almost think laying a guilt trip on her may be my most effective way of getting the point across.....which I'd rather not do because I don't want her to feel guilty. I just want her to accept my choices and not make me choose between family and a relationship. Funny thing is, I'm pretty sure he's exactly the type of guy she'd want me to date.
Sadly, I almost think laying a guilt trip on her may be my most effective way of getting the point across.....which I'd rather not do because I don't want her to feel guilty. I just want her to accept my choices and not make me choose between family and a relationship. Funny thing is, I'm pretty sure he's exactly the type of guy she'd want me to date.
Well, you fought fire with fire.
She has been using guilt to keep you under her thumb all these years.
It doesn't matter if he's the type of guy she would want you to date. Listen, you are her LAST CHILD. But this is HER problem, not yours. It's time for you to grow up, but she is not ready for that. So she is trying to passive-aggressively keep you at home by expressing her disapproval of your choices so that YOU will choose to stay with her, and SHE won't look like the bad guy for forbidding you.
I agree with Ellie - there is NO PROBLEM with you dating. Keep this on the up-and-up by being very matter-of-fact about it. Announce your plans in a nonchalant way. Do not approach her sheepishly or apologetically. Then keep moving forward: get ready for the date, mention your plans etc.
YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG so you don't need to act like you've done anything wrong.
If she tries to get in the way, tell her you are allowed to date. Then keep your backbone straight and strong and live YOUR life, not hers.
I know you are having conflicts, it is clear. This situation regarding this new reationship is just a symptom of a much bigger problem.
You are in a "child" relationship with your Mother...rather than a healthy adult, mutual respectful relationship, with her.
First, if things were as they should be, you'd be walking out the door saying...See you all later. A relationship would be not a "big" secret. A large part of this is the fact that you are living with your Mom, and the boundaries between yourself and your Mother are very unhealthy.
I highly recommend that you get your own place. Talk to your siblings, maybe temporarily you could room w/ one of them while you search for your own apartment. You should do this, relationship or not.
I predict that your Mom will have a very tough time adjusting, since you say your other older siblings experienced the same situations...It is ingrained in your Mother to be over-involved and you to be overly dependent. You'll have to fix this and it will take some real soul searching and some time. You can only really fix You.
Here is a link that may help you decide whether you may need some professional help with this. Good luck on this. process:Mental Health America: Co-dependency
Last edited by JanND; 01-31-2013 at 06:30 AM..
Reason: edit text
This sounds like a "my house, my rules" situation. I still live at home while working full time and finishing my degree. My parents still act as though I'm 16 and if I want to go to dinner with a friend who they don't like, too bad for me. lol If you can honestly and truly see a future with this guy, then go for it. Whenever I'm about to "defy" my parents I tell them straight up, "I understand where you are coming from, however, I would rather be honest with you than lie and sneak around so I am would really like to go ___________ with __________ . You know that I am responsible and will make good choices."
I can't afford to move out right now, but if I could, I would. It's normal to be on your own. You have four siblings. Try to start a rotation with them about who will come watch your parents.
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