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Eh, I think you're wrong for letting it bother you.
You helped her because you cared for her and wanted her to improve herself and find a job. Mission accomplished. You should feel good that you were able to help your niece and that your efforts were successful. When/if she thanks you, that'll be topping on the cake.
I've done a lot of things for lots of people. I'm sure they appreciate it whether they actually thank me or not. I've probably forgotten to thank some who have helped me out at times. That doesn't mean I've forgotten the help they gave me nor that I didn't appreciate it, and most importantly, it doesn't mean that I don't think more of them for their gift of help.
Should I- or how should I- complain to a relative who I helped find a career well paying job, who never thanked me?
Here are the details:
I helped her edit her resume and it was improved 100%
I found lots of good stuff on the Internet that helped her general job hunting skills
Gave her a Christmas present to attend a job hunting class, which she attended, on interviewing skills
Made some phone calls to professionals I know, and got her an interview at a great company that later hired her.
------
She has been there for two months now and I have not heard a word from her telling about how it is going or a basic thank you for my help. Unbelievable!
Should I tell her father, my brother, I am not happy, contact the young lady I helped and tell her I am not happy, or just leave it be? What would you do? Am I wrong for letting it bother me?
Just email or call her and ask her how she is doing. Say "I hope the job is going well!" in a cheerful way.
You spent time and energy coaching her and connecting her. You educated her and she ended up getting a great job. Now it's time for some "higher education". Meet her for coffee and educate her on gratitude, acknowledgement and decent manners. It will serve her well in her career as well as her private life. You won't be the only person she offends unless she is taught this lesson. She deserves a few uncomfortable minutes being chided for her behavior. But she won't forget it.
This is the right approach. Continue your role as a mentor, if she accepts it.
And if not? Continue in your role as her uncle. You did a really good thing. Even if she's not appreciative, I'm sure your brother is!
You spent time and energy coaching her and connecting her. You educated her and she ended up getting a great job. Now it's time for some "higher education". Meet her for coffee and educate her on gratitude, acknowledgement and decent manners. It will serve her well in her career as well as her private life. You won't be the only person she offends unless she is taught this lesson. She deserves a few uncomfortable minutes being chided for her behavior. But she won't forget it.
Even though I agree with the intent of this, I fear that the result would just be that the girl decides that her uncle is being petty, self-absorbed, and any shame she feels will just go toward avoiding the uncle in the future or making him into a bad guy. Sure she won't forget it, but she'll never have a relationship with the uncle again. It might be a better lesson if someone else who knows the story shamed her, but not the OP.
People in that age group are more likely to take that kind of conversation as the uncle being "all about him, and how I owe him something" rather than about what's right and decent.
Think about her one hour after this conversation: she's more likely to be telling a girlfriend "my uncle went all psycho on me about me owing him for my job when I got it because of my skills/experience." She's less likely to be telling a friend "I'm so ashamed of myself! My uncle did so much to help me get this job and I forgot to thank him! I feel terrible--i am so grateful to him--I'll never do that again to anyone!"
Even though I agree with the intent of this, I fear that the result would just be that the girl decides that her uncle is being petty, self-absorbed, and any shame she feels will just go toward avoiding the uncle in the future or making him into a bad guy. Sure she won't forget it, but she'll never have a relationship with the uncle again. It might be a better lesson if someone else who knows the story shamed her, but not the OP.
People in that age group are more likely to take that kind of conversation as the uncle being "all about him, and how I owe him something" rather than about what's right and decent.
Think about her one hour after this conversation: she's more likely to be telling a girlfriend "my uncle went all psycho on me about me owing him for my job when I got it because of my skills/experience." She's less likely to be telling a friend "I'm so ashamed of myself! My uncle did so much to help me get this job and I forgot to thank him! I feel terrible--i am so grateful to him--I'll never do that again to anyone!"
Not if it's delivered with kindness and tact. It is a fact of life that people like to get feedback and appreciation when they share their knowledge/contacts/recipes/skills...whatever. If the OP sits down with her and kindly explains that he was happy to help her, but would have liked to hear how it all went and that what he did for her was helpful. It need not come across that she "owes" him something, just acknowledgement for the helping hand. In her professional life, she will need this skill. Co-workers and bosses alike will appreciate positive feedback when they help her and it will be remembered as she works her way up. If a co-worker helps her learn her job and gets a little gratitude in return, it will go a long way if someday that same coworker becomes her boss!
And it does young people a disservice to assume that they would have a bad attitude about this kind of feedback. Some might, but most would be able to absorb it and learn from it. They certainly won't be treated with kid gloves when critiqued in business.
On a personal note, I have a niece whose mother, my sister, died just as my niece was beginning a Ph.D program. I kind of took over the Mom role, with love, food, laundry and encouragement. When she finished and defended her dissertation, she wrote some beautiful things about me in her acknowledgements that meant the absolute world to me. I did everything for her because I love her very much, not for the written acknowledgement, but still, it was beyond touching that she did so.
You spent time and energy coaching her and connecting her. You educated her and she ended up getting a great job. Now it's time for some "higher education". Meet her for coffee and educate her on gratitude, acknowledgement and decent manners. It will serve her well in her career as well as her private life. You won't be the only person she offends unless she is taught this lesson. She deserves a few uncomfortable minutes being chided for her behavior. But she won't forget it.
+1!!! I have no problem calling out ungrateful relatives. Fortunately, they are rare. You didn't just do something minor either, you went above and beyond for this girl. I agree that letting her know a thank you is in order will be doing her a great service in her future career.
Not if it's delivered with kindness and tact. It is a fact of life that people like to get feedback and appreciation when they share their knowledge/contacts/recipes/skills...whatever. If the OP sits down with her and kindly explains that he was happy to help her, but would have liked to hear how it all went and that what he did for her was helpful. It need not come across that she "owes" him something, just acknowledgement for the helping hand. In her professional life, she will need this skill. Co-workers and bosses alike will appreciate positive feedback when they help her and it will be remembered as she works her way up. If a co-worker helps her learn her job and gets a little gratitude in return, it will go a long way if someday that same coworker becomes her boss!
And it does young people a disservice to assume that they would have a bad attitude about this kind of feedback. Some might, but most would be able to absorb it and learn from it. They certainly won't be treated with kid gloves when critiqued in business.
On a personal note, I have a niece whose mother, my sister, died just as my niece was beginning a Ph.D program. I kind of took over the Mom role, with love, food, laundry and encouragement. When she finished and defended her dissertation, she wrote some beautiful things about me in her acknowledgements that meant the absolute world to me. I did everything for her because I love her very much, not for the written acknowledgement, but still, it was beyond touching that she did so.
You're right, about my doing young people a disservice. But I think I've just been jaded by so many interactions with 20-somethings who have this attitude--that they're entitled to everything, and there's no need to thank people. And if a person expects thanks, they are somehow being "selfish." Glad to see there are still some 20-somethings who are raised right. I've just met too many of the wrong ones. They always end up being the subjects of my investigations and/or disciplinary actions.
I am afraid that my niece who I spent so much time no longer has any use for me because she already has a job, my value to her is gone. But of course if she treats me that way I am sure she will get burned in the future when she does not treat others who help her on the job she thinks are light weights and are not worth her time.
She has a lot to learn!
I emailed her and asked how the new job was coming along and did not get a reply.
If that's the case, then I would tell her parents how disappointed you are in her behavior. If they are good parents, they'll find a way to get the message across to her.
If it helps, I'm proud of you for helping her the way you did. You did a good thing and if the karma doesn't come back to you through her, it will some other way. You were a hero to her and she's too self centered to get it. Someday she'll learn the lesson the hard way. In the meantime, you're a good man, Charlie Brown and don't you forget it! I'm lifting a virtual glass to you right now.
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