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Old 02-19-2013, 07:24 AM
 
Location: Southern California
5,407 posts, read 8,103,583 times
Reputation: 5040

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OP, you may see no big deal with being friends with men who have girlfriends, are engaged &/or married, but that doesn't mean everyone else will see it as no big deal. I've been dating my boyfriend for a long time & I sure in hell wouldn't want him to start being friends with some girl...it's not about feeling threatened or jealous, etc. He doesn't need a female friend if he has me. I don't have any male friends & he doesn't have any female friends & we want to keep it that way!

I personlaly never liked the attached people being friends with those of the opposite gender. It doesn't look good because the significant other doesn't know yur intentions nor care to. THey just want you to stay away from their men!

Obviously this particular girlfriend has BIG problem with her BF being friends with you, so just drop it & don't push it. Don't email, call, text, & definitely don't invite him anywhere anymore! I'm sure you have plenty of other friends to hang out with.
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Old 02-19-2013, 08:42 AM
 
Location: southwest TN
8,224 posts, read 14,863,814 times
Reputation: 14977
OP, you already know the answer to your situation, you just wanted corroboration - and you've gotten it. I'd go a whole step beyond and tell him that given his situation and the need to sneak, you are rescinding your offer of going to the theater together.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Forever Blue View Post
OP, you may see no big deal with being friends with men who have girlfriends, are engaged &/or married, but that doesn't mean everyone else will see it as no big deal. I've been dating my boyfriend for a long time & I sure in hell wouldn't want him to start being friends with some girl...it's not about feeling threatened or jealous, etc. He doesn't need a female friend if he has me. I don't have any male friends & he doesn't have any female friends & we want to keep it that way!

I personlaly never liked the attached people being friends with those of the opposite gender. It doesn't look good because the significant other doesn't know yur intentions nor care to. THey just want you to stay away from their men!

....
Not jealous much? holy smokes!
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Old 02-19-2013, 04:44 PM
 
Location: Colorado
11,628 posts, read 7,199,518 times
Reputation: 20941
I'm not going to jump on the "boys and girls can't just be friends" bandwagon, even if there was at some point something crushy, there can evolve from that a plutonic friendship. I've been there and done that, when I decided that friendship was more valuable than a flingy thing (on top of a bajillion other reasons.) So yeah, I'm not gonna dig into anybody's intentions or ulterior motives here.

But I do totally agree with what everyone is saying which is back away, get this guy out of your life and move on without him. Simple reason: DRAMA. The whole "I kinda want to talk to you but need to hide it from my girlfriend" thing just stinks of drama waiting to happen. Now unless you're one of those people who just thrives on conflict and aggravation, if you've got any sense at all you'll be wanting to avoid that.

Also, you mention how you wouldn't want a SO who told you who you could be friends with. That's cool. But you have NO RIGHT, EVER to tell anyone what is right or wrong in a relationship they've chosen to be in, of their own free will, just because it's not what you think is right, or because it casts you in a negative light or creates a situation unfavorable to your interests. It ain't your relationship honey. He's gotta decide what he's happy with and where his boundaries are, and you need to stay out of it.

There be my two cents, you have a nice day now!
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Old 02-19-2013, 07:35 PM
 
4,728 posts, read 4,456,559 times
Reputation: 9038
Leave him alone. If he only wants to do things with you that have to be covert, it is wrong.
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Old 03-17-2013, 06:30 PM
 
7 posts, read 14,244 times
Reputation: 11
Well, I forget a lot of what I originally posted, and I really don't feel like re-reading it, so if I'm repeating myself, I apologize. But just to note, I am mainly friends with guys, ones dating, engaged, and married. So, it did just throw me for a loop that he would be under such strict rules about who he can be friends with. I personally would never want to be put in that position because I wouldn't want to lose the friends I do have, or be prevented from making new ones.

And I do believe that opposite gender friends can exist. Even though I was infatuated early on, doesn't mean that I would try for anything more. I have other friends who started out as more crushes, but they did evolve to just platonic (like Sonic_Spork said).

As for him being older, one of my best friends is male and just turned 37, so that's another reason why IT Guy's lifestyle and rules surprised me. And I came to look to him more like an older brother, so he became important to me, but it was obvious that I cared more about him than he did me.

Which is why I did just want a push in the direction of ending things. At any rate, I did cease contact with him, and it does sadden me, because I did think we could have been good friends. But c'est la vie, these things happen, lol.
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Old 03-17-2013, 11:08 PM
 
245 posts, read 313,110 times
Reputation: 368
Quote:
Originally Posted by Asia45 View Post
Well, I forget a lot of what I originally posted, and I really don't feel like re-reading it, so if I'm repeating myself, I apologize. But just to note, I am mainly friends with guys, ones dating, engaged, and married. So, it did just throw me for a loop that he would be under such strict rules about who he can be friends with. I personally would never want to be put in that position because I wouldn't want to lose the friends I do have, or be prevented from making new ones.

And I do believe that opposite gender friends can exist. Even though I was infatuated early on, doesn't mean that I would try for anything more. I have other friends who started out as more crushes, but they did evolve to just platonic (like Sonic_Spork said).

As for him being older, one of my best friends is male and just turned 37, so that's another reason why IT Guy's lifestyle and rules surprised me. And I came to look to him more like an older brother, so he became important to me, but it was obvious that I cared more about him than he did me.

Which is why I did just want a push in the direction of ending things. At any rate, I did cease contact with him, and it does sadden me, because I did think we could have been good friends. But c'est la vie, these things happen, lol.
I believe married/dating people of a different gender can be friends too, but ONLY if the other person wants to be. I have many friends who are now married/engaged. I respect if they don't want to be friends if they are female, (I'm a male) that just how it goes. Do I feel a little hurt at first? Yes, but after a day or two I get over it. I would stop trying to be his friend, if he wants to be your friend he will contact you. If I message someone I have not seen in a while and they don't reply I wont write them again. I would move on if it were me.
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Old 03-17-2013, 11:31 PM
 
Location: Out West
22,563 posts, read 16,717,234 times
Reputation: 26120
Quote:
Originally Posted by Asia45 View Post
Well, I forget a lot of what I originally posted, and I really don't feel like re-reading it, so if I'm repeating myself, I apologize. But just to note, I am mainly friends with guys, ones dating, engaged, and married. So, it did just throw me for a loop that he would be under such strict rules about who he can be friends with. I personally would never want to be put in that position because I wouldn't want to lose the friends I do have, or be prevented from making new ones.

And I do believe that opposite gender friends can exist. Even though I was infatuated early on, doesn't mean that I would try for anything more. I have other friends who started out as more crushes, but they did evolve to just platonic (like Sonic_Spork said).

As for him being older, one of my best friends is male and just turned 37, so that's another reason why IT Guy's lifestyle and rules surprised me. And I came to look to him more like an older brother, so he became important to me, but it was obvious that I cared more about him than he did me.

Which is why I did just want a push in the direction of ending things. At any rate, I did cease contact with him, and it does sadden me, because I did think we could have been good friends. But c'est la vie, these things happen, lol.
Meh, he's not worth the time and effort. A kinder and gentler way it could have been said instead of some of the nastiness you got in responses would have been:

He's an adult. He can make his own choices. His choice was to put up a bunch of excuses, throwing his g/f in front of him as a shield. Do you really want to be friends with someone like that? Too much drama.
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Old 03-18-2013, 12:20 AM
 
47,576 posts, read 60,475,092 times
Reputation: 22275
I think you're being a naive 21 year old. And no his behavior is not weird, it's rather typical of a man who wants to have something on the side, a little fling and he just doesn't want to get caught. Age and gender may not mean that much to you or you don't want to admit that it does, but it means a lot to him.

Do not feel bad for his situation. He's a 31 year old adult who has a girlfriend that he obviously wants to string along and he wants to string you along too. I suspect that the OP is attractive and the IT guy finds her attractive and is flattered by the attention she gives him but he is in a relationship that he doesn't want to end, he's tossing out bread crumbs now and then just to keep himself flattered.
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Old 03-18-2013, 04:40 AM
 
Location: Russia
291 posts, read 244,619 times
Reputation: 321
I'd say he is strange. All say he's avoiding you when actually he has taken your email obviously to be in touch. He says he can come meet you then he says he actually can't. It's just really strange. I don't think his girlfriend is that much of a braineater when it comes to being friends on facebook or hanging out with friends. He just doesn't know himself what he wants. I don't think there's a point of trying to become his friend because it's usually not the best thing to do to befriend a weirdo. Move on and let him be what he is.
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Old 03-18-2013, 02:10 PM
 
Location: Southern California
5,407 posts, read 8,103,583 times
Reputation: 5040
I posted in here before. You seem so crushed to not have as many friends as you could or when you lose friends. Sorry, but to me, if I don't become friends with someone, the world isn't going to come to an end. You almost have this narcissistic attitude as if you're saying, "What?! He doesn't want to be friends with me?! Why not, I'm such a nice, kind, great person!" So be careful. You don't want to appear like this holier than thou, everyone has to be friedns with me if they know what's good for them, I'm better than everyone else type personality.

If he doesn't want to be friends with the opposite sex because he's got a girlfriend or is married, no big deal. Who cares! Don't think into it so much. Keep on moving along.

From what I recall, he was just being nice, nothing more, nothing less & NOT giving you mixed signals to where you were thinking that he liked you romantically, so that's fine. Remember, EVERYONE doesn't have to like you.
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