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Old 02-13-2013, 10:00 AM
 
Location: Man with a tan hat
799 posts, read 1,316,889 times
Reputation: 1444

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My sister is dating a guy I believe is gay. I am a gay guy-- this dude is giving off the vibe in a big way, though he has never made any overt gestures. EVERYONE I know is surprised that he is dating a woman.

I have gently suggested to my sister that her boyfriend might be struggling with some issues. She says she has mentioned to him the general consensus that he is gay and it only makes him upset to the point where he won't discuss it. They seem to have a good relationship but she has confessed to me that she has thought about breaking up with him because of the perception that he is closeted. She says they are sexually active, and I believe her. The boyfriend says that it is a "problem for her, not for him" and won't entertain further conversation about his sexuality. She has not found any evidence (porn, etc) of his sexual orientation but is keeping an eye out.

I don't know if I should speak up, try to out him, or just play along. My sister comes to me for advice on this a lot as I am her source for all things gay. Is this any of my business?

Last edited by whatisthedealwith; 02-13-2013 at 10:09 AM..
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Old 02-13-2013, 10:43 AM
 
Location: Portlandia "burbs"
10,234 posts, read 13,977,460 times
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Actually, I think your sister is on the radar, so I don't think you need to go any farther beyond being truthful when she asks you questions. If you get aggressive she may get protective of him and stop trusting you.
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Old 02-13-2013, 10:46 AM
 
7,495 posts, read 9,752,153 times
Reputation: 7394
Quote:
Originally Posted by whatisthedealwith View Post
My sister is dating a guy I believe is gay. I am a gay guy-- this dude is giving off the vibe in a big way, though he has never made any overt gestures. EVERYONE I know is surprised that he is dating a woman.

I have gently suggested to my sister that her boyfriend might be struggling with some issues. She says she has mentioned to him the general consensus that he is gay and it only makes him upset to the point where he won't discuss it. They seem to have a good relationship but she has confessed to me that she has thought about breaking up with him because of the perception that he is closeted. She says they are sexually active, and I believe her. The boyfriend says that it is a "problem for her, not for him" and won't entertain further conversation about his sexuality. She has not found any evidence (porn, etc) of his sexual orientation but is keeping an eye out.

I don't know if I should speak up, try to out him, or just play along. My sister comes to me for advice on this a lot as I am her source for all things gay. Is this any of my business?
No, it's not. I think everybody should butt out of their relationship considering that there is no conclusive evidence that this guy is actually gay and even if he was, it's her choice of how to deal with the issue, if it existed.
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Old 02-13-2013, 11:03 AM
 
Location: On the corner of Grey Street
6,071 posts, read 8,361,765 times
Reputation: 11554
It's not really your business as in it doesn't have anything to do with you, but I don't think there's anything wrong with chipping in your .02 when you sister is actually asking for your opinion. That's a tough situation. I'd be worried too. I think it's concerning that it upsets him so much. If he was confident he liked women you'd think he'd just brush it off. Sometimes the truth hits too close to home. I went out on a few dates with a guy one time who was really nice and I enjoyed talking to him, but everything he did made me think he was gay. Just his gestures, mannerisms, the way he talked, the things he liked. Maybe he wasn't gay, but I just couldn't get the thought out of my head and it bothered me (shallow as it may be) enough not to see him anymore.
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Old 02-13-2013, 11:19 AM
 
2,288 posts, read 2,616,422 times
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There has to be straight guys who appear gay, so I wouldnt assume. Just like there's extemely straight looking and acting gays. I cant fathom that a very fem. looking male has to be into men, its not anyones fault how they look. I wont say its not your business, but since sis is aware, I'd just keep my ear to the ground but would support her and him.
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Old 02-13-2013, 11:41 AM
 
5,865 posts, read 5,713,274 times
Reputation: 5210
Let her enjoy her boyfriend. And if and when she wants more than he is willing to give, things will work itself out. If it turns out he is straight, she will have given up on a great guy! so let her be.
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Old 02-13-2013, 11:53 AM
 
3,315 posts, read 3,019,101 times
Reputation: 4808
Quote:
Originally Posted by whatisthedealwith View Post
I have gently suggested to my sister that her boyfriend might be struggling with some issues. She says she has mentioned to him the general consensus that he is gay

I don't know if I should speak up, try to out him, or just play along. My sister comes to me for advice on this a lot as I am her source for all things gay. Is this any of my business?
You have told your sister your thoughts, she has mentioned his proclivities (so she isn't pretending that they don't exist), and she comes to you for advice.

I think you've already done your sibling duty by "warning" her. If she needs you, she will ask your advice again, just as she previously has.

Sometimes there isn't anything another person can do, but sit back and let things work themselves out. Many times relationships that aren't right end up breaking up without outside help.
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Old 02-13-2013, 12:14 PM
 
Location: here
24,839 posts, read 30,066,225 times
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You've mentioned it. She is aware of the perception. There isn't anything else that needs to be said.
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Old 02-13-2013, 12:44 PM
 
Location: Western Colorado
11,079 posts, read 12,458,603 times
Reputation: 26079
I see nothing good coming from this. Go get a beer, relax. Stay out of it.
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Old 02-13-2013, 12:55 PM
 
Location: State of Being
35,885 posts, read 67,135,316 times
Reputation: 22373
You have been a good brother and answered her questions . . . and given your opinion.

She has to make the decision as to whether or not she should stay in the relationship. Anything else at this point (on your part, OP) would be tacky and could even be considered ill-intended. This is the guy's life to work out and your sister is the one involved -- she is aware that he may be gay -- how she decides to proceed is her business. She obviously enjoys his company. She wouldn't be the first woman to get involved w/a gay guy still in the closet.

Trust and honesty are pillars of any relationship. I am sure if she gets to the point she feels he isn't authentic and honest - she will decide to go her separate way.
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