don't know whether contacting my biological sister is the right thing to do (brother, adults)
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Well, if anyone is still following this, I have sent a very short note to the oldest of the two daughters. I briefly said my birth name, the year I was born and that her mother is my birth mother. I suggested that she take some time to absorb this shock before approaching her mother (my birth mother). Things were very different in the 50's than they are today. I offered to answer any questions that she may have if she wants to respond to my note first as well. I let her know that I have not contacted her sister (and named her) but rather only her. Now I wait....
Add my good wishes to the rest. After reading this thread, I would be happy to have you for a sister. I hope your wait is not a long one.
I would leave them alone and move on with my own life. Since it is obvious your Mother really did not want to be found and wants no contact and she never told the others about you leave it at that. There are reasons children are given up for adoption and personally I feel once it is done it should be left in the past.
CSD610, you know what helped me to make the decision to follow through with this? I am tired of keeping secrets all my life. I have always seemed to be proctecting everyone else at my own expense, regardless of my feelings. Life is short and I don't want to regret not doing this. My birth mother has carried this secret for over 50 years, if she is a true Christian, then she will find the support that she needs and hopefully free herself of that guilt. I speak from experience, it is terrible hiding things, and having to always lie. There is a lot of weight to the expression, the truth will set you free. I am not losing anything that I already have, I am not looking for 'instant family', just sharing what I know and I truly believe they have the right to know. If I was in the situation, of having a child and giving him/her up, I, personally would have never hidden it from any following children. But that's the way I am.
Anifani821, my settings are somewhat tight on FB although I did update my picture. I do have photo albums that can be viewed. She will see immediatly the same resemblance that I have been seeing. You know it's funny, when I show any of my friends her picture and talk about this situation with them, they are amazed at how similar we are in appearance, and I am sure she will see that as well. I have written the letter that I would send to her a hundred times. Sometimes 3 pages, but when I sent her the message on FB today, I was very brief and started with information that would get her attention to not think that it was spam. It was not much longer than a paragraph. I really did just leave the ball in her court if she has any questions for me. I don't even know for sure how frequently she is on FB I will wait a few months before I start to stew about it now. I am sure this will take a bit for her to absorb.
CSD610, you know what helped me to make the decision to follow through with this? I am tired of keeping secrets all my life. I have always seemed to be proctecting everyone else at my own expense, regardless of my feelings. Life is short and I don't want to regret not doing this. My birth mother has carried this secret for over 50 years, if she is a true Christian, then she will find the support that she needs and hopefully free herself of that guilt. I speak from experience, it is terrible hiding things, and having to always lie. There is a lot of weight to the expression, the truth will set you free. I am not losing anything that I already have, I am not looking for 'instant family', just sharing what I know and I truly believe they have the right to know. If I was in the situation, of having a child and giving him/her up, I, personally would have never hidden it from any following children. But that's the way I am.
Again -- why do you believe she should feel guilt? Some of what you're doing seems to be about getting even with her and making her feel guilty for something that happened a long long time ago. Maybe you don't know the whole circumstances regarding decisions she felt she had to make.
I suppose you're looking for an apology from her. You seem to mock her "true Christian" a lot. Maybe you don't know unless you walked in someone's shoes what it really was like for them. One big problem with keeping secrets is that there are some who enjoy finding out the secrets and making sure the whole world knows.
It's not that I don't think you should make contact but you seem to really dislike your biological mother and seem to want to reveal what a lying hypocrit she's been all her life to her family.
Well, if anyone is still following this, I have sent a very short note to the oldest of the two daughters. I briefly said my birth name, the year I was born and that her mother is my birth mother. I suggested that she take some time to absorb this shock before approaching her mother (my birth mother). Things were very different in the 50's than they are today. I offered to answer any questions that she may have if she wants to respond to my note first as well. I let her know that I have not contacted her sister (and named her) but rather only her. Now I wait....
All best wishes to you. Heaven knows you didn't make your decision to contact lightly and you seem very responsible in how you've handled past dealings. While I understand your biological mother's wish for privacy (and I've heard that story from several adopted friends who contacted birth mothers AND fathers), I have yet to know anyone who was totally rejected by an adult sibling. I recently got to know some cousins I was aware of but didn't know. The new relationship added a lot to my life. I wish the same for you.
Again -- why do you believe she should feel guilt? Some of what you're doing seems to be about getting even with her and making her feel guilty for something that happened a long long time ago. Maybe you don't know the whole circumstances regarding decisions she felt she had to make.
I suppose you're looking for an apology from her. You seem to mock her "true Christian" a lot. Maybe you don't know unless you walked in someone's shoes what it really was like for them. One big problem with keeping secrets is that there are some who enjoy finding out the secrets and making sure the whole world knows.
It's not that I don't think you should make contact but you seem to really dislike your biological mother and seem to want to reveal what a lying hypocrit she's been all her life to her family.
You have interpreted echo's posts quite differently than I have. You think echo has sinister motives in wanting to become acquainted with her sisters? I think your post is hurtful and dead-wrong and I hate to even think about the additional pain your words will cause to echo.
No additional pain, honest. I came onto this forum to get opinions and if they all said the same thing, I would be no further ahead than I was when I posted the question. I have had a lifetime of thinking about this and wondering if one day I would follow through. No sinister motives. All of these comments have been so insightful from many angles and have motivated me to think about this even deeper. I would not want the responses to only say what people think I want to hear. The decision has been made as I posted earlier and I pray to God that it will bring peace to a lot of people, not pain. I expect in the beginning that is unavoidable, but I am taking a leap of faith here regardless. I am not looking for an apology and would never expect that she is sorry for her decision, that is crazy. She made the best decision for her and should not be sorry. I am not trying to get even, there is no even here. History is history and now I am making new history, whatever that may be. I do not mock her true Christianity. I admire any person of faith. I consider myself a Christian although I do not attend a church, that does not make me any less of a believer. I have an awful lot of respect for my birth mother on many levels, but I am sorry that she feels that she has to keep this from her children. I do not agree with that decision albeit her own to make. But sometimes life is not fair and she has to know that she is not alone in this and this was always a possibility to happen. Life is short, we will be judged by our maker, that is who we will answer to. I don't agree with your opinions but you have every right to have them, as do I. PS, I truly DO NOT want her to feel guilt, but I cannot control that. Hopefully progress with come of this???
On that note previous, I am scared to death of doing this, but I am not going to allow that to stop me anymore. I feel that strong about it.
I wish you the best and I really hope this has a happy ending. I'm pretty sure that you've realized all along that you might be opening a can of worms, but also you'll never know how it will work out if you don't try. That's the dilemna.
Anyhow what is done is done. I just wonder what happened so long ago, it seems to me your mother has carried a kind of pain and who knows what all took place. It's too bad she has to feel guilt and everyone wishes they could have a happy reunion but sadly it's not always the case.
I really do hope your sisters are very pleasantly surprised to discover their mother had other children and don't take the attitude that their lives and families have been nothing but lies. Since we don't know them, we can't know how they'll take it, and again I think most individuals that have reached their age can handle surprises.
I suppose they're asking the mother and trying to piece it all together. Now she's pretty much forced to spill the beans no matter what they all may have been. It can go either way now - in the end the mother may be relieved to have it all out in the open.
Now that they know, there is no turning back, I suppose you gave her a chance to see it your way from the start and she didn't do so, she had her opportunity to decide how to tell them but didn't move on it and now it's too late for her to try to tell them. I hope you find in all this what you were looking for.
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