U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Non-Romantic Relationships
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 03-15-2013, 10:28 AM
 
Location: Canada
3,868 posts, read 2,700,425 times
Reputation: 5036

Advertisements

Quote:
Originally Posted by echoo59 View Post
In my heart I feel that this with definately be traumatic in the beginning
I just don't "get" this. Imagining myself in your sister' situation, at her age, I wouldn't be the least bit traumatized as it happened more than a half century ago, before I was born, before she married my father. There's no betrayal of either my father or of me. It was none of my business. If she didn't live up to the moral standards she taught be as a child, well maybe my upbringing reflected her moral growth due to her own past experiences.

I'd simply be annoyed that she didn't let me know that I had a biological half-sister as I think that is my business - it should have been my choice, not hers, whether I pursued the relationship.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 03-15-2013, 10:47 AM
 
5,387 posts, read 6,497,480 times
Reputation: 4550
Quote:
Originally Posted by echoo59 View Post

...

Even the brother that I met, we don't have a close, emotional connection, but we do get along and talk about things, openly, without judgement. I can't say the same thing about the adoptive siblings that I grew up with. We are estranged and will never have any kind of relationship. Very sad actually. I always say, it is their loss to have a sister that doesn't meet their expectations. So, my point is, the relationship I have with my bio-brother is as close as can be expected, and very comfortable. I appreciate that, it's enough for me.
(Referring to bolded parts above) My friend echo, I am truly so glad that you and your brother have formed a positive and comfortable sibling relationship, atm I genuinely hope and pray that with enough time and getting to know each other better, you and he could become even closer to each other, as biological siblings...especially b/c after everything and all the earlier pain and heartache you've faced so far, you truly deserve so very much to have a loving, caring family, who loves you
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-15-2013, 07:08 PM
 
Location: Canada
23 posts, read 36,243 times
Reputation: 31
Again, thank you all for the input, good, bad, indifferent and honest! I truly have felt that I am doing the right thing and for the right reasons.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-16-2013, 02:22 AM
 
47,576 posts, read 60,445,355 times
Reputation: 22274
Quote:
Originally Posted by biscuitmom View Post
Given that your birth mother gave up two children and considering her defensiveness and strong refusal to acknowledge you and to discuss your father, you have to consider the possibility of incest.
If that's the case, then it's a mighty can of worms indeed you'll be opening. It's possible your birth mother has siblings or other relatives and/or peers who know what happened and these are exceedingly painful, long buried memories for them.

Tread carefully.


Still the mother has good reason to think they'll question her about the circumstances. She may have a very good reason for not wanting "to go there". Especially if something like repeated rape or incest was involved, revisiting it - without compassionate, competent professional help - could end up being harmful to the mother's health and mental well-being.
That's the possibility that occurred to me. The mother seems to be in quite a lot of emotional pain.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-16-2013, 02:39 AM
 
47,576 posts, read 60,445,355 times
Reputation: 22274
Quote:
Originally Posted by cdnirene View Post
Not really. The events happened before her other daughters were born. Her motives and her life before they were born are really none of their business. If the subject is painful to talk about, then she has every right not to talk about it. All that the OP is forcing with her communication is a simple acknowledgement that the relationship exists.
But not any longer -- no matter what the circumstances were, she has now been revealed to her family. Whatever happened before they were born has now been made their business. This was no longer about someone trying to find her biological mother -- that was already accomplished. It's now about making sure her family knows about her "guilt", making sure her secrets are revealed and behind her back. The mother no longer has the right to keep her past buried -- no matter what the reasons, no matter how painful.

Surely now that the daughters know about these two other "kids", they will want to know the circumstances. It has now been made their business to know events that took place before their births.

That is the problem with trying to keep secrets -- very often someone will discover them and make sure they are made known and they won't care in the least how much someone is hurt, to make them feel guilt. That she didn't live up to the morals -- but no one seems to know if this was even about her lack of morals. It's only assumed she was just whoring around, getting pregnant just to adopt them out, but there could be a whole lot more involved.

Maybe she was taken advantage of, even raped. And now she's being made to feel guilty all over again for that.

I think that the only thing now is to hope that it goes well enough for the mother when her daughters hit her with the questions. The truth can set you free -- it can end well. If her relationship with her daughters was a good one, they may be very understanding of her.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-16-2013, 09:51 AM
NCN
 
Location: NC/SC Border Patrol
21,135 posts, read 21,809,520 times
Reputation: 23216
If someone sent a message like that on facebook to me I would delete it and block the sender. I don't think the mother is going to have to worry about anything.

I am wondering why someone that has gotten professional help for this problem would be on a public forum asking for opinions. None of us know all the things involved here.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-16-2013, 10:38 AM
 
Location: middle tennessee
1,913 posts, read 973,699 times
Reputation: 6852
Quote:
Originally Posted by echoo59 View Post
No Chilipepper35 I have not heard back yet. But like I mentioned earlier, I am unsure how freguently she is on FB. I am sure that she will open and read it as I made sure to start it with something that would get her immediate attention.
Did fb charge you to deliver your message?

I wish there was a way to contact your family other than fb. If you're not "friends", there's a chance that your message won't be delivered. I hate to think of you waiting for a response without knowing for sure that your message was received.

I am sad for your mother, but I think you must proceed in your search. I can't help but think that she will be relieved when this is finally out in the open and she sees that the consequences are much less painful than keeping her "secret" has been.

I urge you not to wait too long for a response. No one is getting any younger.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-17-2013, 11:51 AM
 
Location: Canada
23 posts, read 36,243 times
Reputation: 31
History is history, we all have it. All of society is always exploring history on all levels. Where would we be without history? Today 'ancestory.com' and the like are huge, promoted on TV commercials even. Some history is heartbreaking, hurtful, mean, but none-the-less it is history that brought us to today regardless. I don't have that and I want a history. I want to know how much I weighed, when I took my first step, got my first tooth, any favorite toy, any funny thing I did as a small baby... I may never get that information and I will settle for that, but I will get whatever history I can and I will research by whatever means I have to to get this information. I am sorry that she may have a sad story, but I am not going to let that stop me at this point. I have spent too many years thinking about it, being counselled, ignoring it and it is now time and I am ready. Alot of people have asked me how I will feel if I don't like what I find out. Nothing will shock me. Yesterday I phoned my adoptive mother (she is 92) and I asked her if she knew my mother? She said yes, 'I met her a few times' She went on to tell me about her personality, 'soft spoken, quiet, not bold', 'she was a beautiful lady with flaming red hair'. 'Your mother was not able to afford you'. I had been told that I was in an orphanage until I was adopted at 1 year old. This is confusing, conflicting to me. Was adoption much different in 1959? Did the people involved get introduced? I then asked her how it came to be that she adopted me. She said, 'I don't remember how that happened, not sure what took place there, how we ended up getting you'. Sound like another secret? I have thought that possibly my adoptive father (knowing what he is capable of) may have had an affair with her, and I was really his biological daughter? Who knows?! Although there is no resemblance at all, actually on the contrary. I am on this forum to talk about it because I appreciate the anonimity, the stories of the like, the opinions. I have talked to my husband, my son and most of my friends. This is something that is in my head everyday and I like to be able to put my thoughts out there and have the discussion. Theraputic, you might say. Helps me not feel alone with this. My circle has been awesome with me, but I don't want to always be talking to them over and over merely having the same dialogue. This forum allows me to continue the conversation. Am I crazy? No. What a great avenue for me. Guess this is why I continually thank everyone for the feedback I have been receiving. So again, thank you to everyone for listening and sharing with me.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-17-2013, 12:53 PM
 
Location: Arizona
5,899 posts, read 5,245,990 times
Reputation: 17781
Quote:
Originally Posted by malamute View Post
But not any longer -- no matter what the circumstances were, she has now been revealed to her family. Whatever happened before they were born has now been made their business. This was no longer about someone trying to find her biological mother -- that was already accomplished. It's now about making sure her family knows about her "guilt", making sure her secrets are revealed and behind her back. The mother no longer has the right to keep her past buried -- no matter what the reasons, no matter how painful.
I completely agree with this. Couldn't have said it better.

I have a feeling that 3 lives are going to change for the worse. I hope I am wrong.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-17-2013, 04:38 PM
 
Location: Buenos Aires, Argentina
5,901 posts, read 8,362,732 times
Reputation: 4365
wow, echoo59, i really feel for all the horrible things you had to go through in your life , and i sincerely wish you the best of luck with the contact with your sisters. Im adopted myself and never found anything about my bio family, but your story made me think a lot, and it touched my heart.

I wish you the best of luck in everything
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Non-Romantic Relationships
Similar Threads
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2019, Advameg, Inc. | Please obey Forum Rules | Terms of Use and Privacy Policy

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top