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Old 02-23-2013, 07:21 PM
 
Location: Dunwoody,GA
1,991 posts, read 4,748,113 times
Reputation: 2241

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So, we are "couple friends" with some folks. We have kids roughly the same age, and our two elementary-school aged girls are "BFF's." We spend quite a bit of time with them (usually dinner and/or a sleepover for the kids once per week or every two weeks at the longest). I have noticed since Christmas or so that I haven't seen the two of them together, but there was always an excuse ("He has a meeting tonight" or "He's on a boys' trip").

Now, it's almost March and the only time I've seen them together was at their son's birthday party earlier this month. In the meantime, we have caught wind of gossip going around about the husband possibly having a fling with his personal trainer and the wife kicking him out. We have no independent evidence of this, but several people have independently approached my husband about it to see what he knows (gossipy bunch, these golf buddies).

Now, before anyone flames me, I realize it's none of my business. I sincerely hope that it's not true. I've seen the wife numerous times (just had them to dinner tonight) and nothing has been said. The closest she's come to saying anything was when I told her tonight that I heard her husband had friends in town and that's why he couldn't accompany her to our house tonight (which he told my husband yesterday) and she said, "So I hear."

If it's true, I'm very sad for them. I'm also sad for their kids. If it's true, I know they'll tell us when they're ready. I don't think there's any benefit in telling her that gossip is flying, and I don't intend to do so. It's just very uncomfortable, and I wonder whether anyone has had a similar experience. If so, how long did it take for the person to tell you what's happening?
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Old 02-23-2013, 08:02 PM
 
13,136 posts, read 20,699,235 times
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If I had to guess, I'd say the reason she hasn't confided in you was because she hasn't given up on her marriage. We just had a couple we were good friends with break up this year, and had no idea they had been having the major issues that finally caused the break, until it was imminent. Once you complain to others about your spouse, it is hard for people to forget about the stories they were told if the couple stays together and works things out.

I do have neighbors on both sides at the moment, where the husband has moved out. On the right, there was no question, we saw him pull in with a truck and pack up. But, his little girl had already let the cat out of the bag at the bus stop.

On our left, the husband, who was always the more social half of the couple, didn't attend any neighborhood functions for the past 6 months. I asked his wife where he was at the holiday party, and she merely said he didn't want to come. She did tell another neighbor that he was going through some "mid-life" stuff. So although he hasn't been seen in months, his wife is not sharing that info.
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Old 02-23-2013, 08:08 PM
 
Location: Nantahala National Forest, NC
26,808 posts, read 5,726,538 times
Reputation: 30009
I have been one of those people....and you are right, it is none of your business.

Now: if you have not been through a separation/divorce, you cannot imagine the bewilderment, pain, embarrassement, problems, issues....your ENTIRE LIFE and the lives of your children are about to change in a most dramatic fashion and it is NEVER easy.

Don't dare speak to her about gossip...she likely has a better idea than YOU what has been going on...for months, or even years.

Again, it is so painful.....I didn't tell anyone for weeks....it took me that long to even get my mind around that it was about to happen....

and also, there is an aspect of denial....that you just cannot believe it is happening to you.

This is not about you, that you think she should tell you etc. It is only about her pain.

Be kind and supportive...



Quote:
Originally Posted by CMMom View Post
So, we are "couple friends" with some folks. We have kids roughly the same age, and our two elementary-school aged girls are "BFF's." We spend quite a bit of time with them (usually dinner and/or a sleepover for the kids once per week or every two weeks at the longest). I have noticed since Christmas or so that I haven't seen the two of them together, but there was always an excuse ("He has a meeting tonight" or "He's on a boys' trip").

Now, it's almost March and the only time I've seen them together was at their son's birthday party earlier this month. In the meantime, we have caught wind of gossip going around about the husband possibly having a fling with his personal trainer and the wife kicking him out. We have no independent evidence of this, but several people have independently approached my husband about it to see what he knows (gossipy bunch, these golf buddies).

Now, before anyone flames me, I realize it's none of my business. I sincerely hope that it's not true. I've seen the wife numerous times (just had them to dinner tonight) and nothing has been said. The closest she's come to saying anything was when I told her tonight that I heard her husband had friends in town and that's why he couldn't accompany her to our house tonight (which he told my husband yesterday) and she said, "So I hear."

If it's true, I'm very sad for them. I'm also sad for their kids. If it's true, I know they'll tell us when they're ready. I don't think there's any benefit in telling her that gossip is flying, and I don't intend to do so. It's just very uncomfortable, and I wonder whether anyone has had a similar experience. If so, how long did it take for the person to tell you what's happening?
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Old 02-23-2013, 08:11 PM
 
Location: Dunwoody,GA
1,991 posts, read 4,748,113 times
Reputation: 2241
Don't worry, I have no intention of saying a word. Don't want to add to or compound the problem. It's just one of those things where it's become painfully obvious that something is up. I totally understand your point.
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Old 02-23-2013, 08:17 PM
 
Location: here
24,839 posts, read 29,973,692 times
Reputation: 32387
I agree with the previous posters. My BFF who lives out of state waited weeks to tell me her husband had left her. She's one of the first 3 people I call when something major happens in my life, so I was a little hurt she didn't call right away. But I think she was waiting for him to come back. When she realized he wasn't, she called me.
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Old 02-24-2013, 09:57 AM
 
Location: Western Colorado
11,049 posts, read 12,398,038 times
Reputation: 25945
When the times right, she'll tell you. Or if opportunity presents itself over a cup of coffee and afternoon chat, make small talk and "I haven't seen (whomever) around, is he working a lot?" But I wouldn't press her.
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Old 02-24-2013, 10:02 AM
 
47,576 posts, read 60,469,168 times
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Some people are stoic and don't like to talk about problems in their lives. They might just not like discussing problems, or they're dealing with their issues and don't want others troubling over them. Or possibly she doesn't want to call up people to announce the marriage is failing.
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Old 02-24-2013, 10:31 AM
 
Location: Dunwoody,GA
1,991 posts, read 4,748,113 times
Reputation: 2241
Well, she just called & asked to come by my office tomorrow to talk. Our schedules didn't line up & she asked if I knew why she wanted to talk. I just said I wasn't sure, but I'd been wondering. She burst into tears & said she's devastated & the kids don't know. I just told her my husband & I are here for her & to try to find some other times. I didn't push & just said we'd help anyway we can. I think she knew last night that we were wondering, but she didn't want to discuss it with the kids so nearby. Now that the cats out of the bag, I can be helpful & supportive instead of having to pretend to be oblivious.
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Old 02-24-2013, 12:04 PM
 
5,703 posts, read 16,124,906 times
Reputation: 8557
Tred carefully. Be a good listener. Sometimes people break up and then get back together and then remember everything everyone said. My sister n law did this. She has been in a very dysfunctional marriage for years. She and her husband finally divorced. 3 yrs later they got back together and remarried. My sister n law had an attitude toward everyone because she remembered everything that had been said about her ex. Drama.
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Old 02-24-2013, 12:42 PM
 
Location: Dunwoody,GA
1,991 posts, read 4,748,113 times
Reputation: 2241
Good advice. Thanks. At this point, I don't know if it's just a trial separation or if one or the other has filed. She obviously wants to discuss it in person vs. on the phone. Fallingwater, you do have an excellent point. The husband is good golf buddies with my husband, so we do need to tread lightly. Besides wanting to support my friend, I also want to support their children by maintaining a good relationship with both the parents (since our girls are so close).
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