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Old 03-01-2013, 08:57 AM
 
Location: Lower east side of Toronto
10,588 posts, read 10,740,024 times
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Your true friend are probably bound by blood, family. You can have a lot of close associates who you enjoy but when it gets down to the crunch you have no friends. Family may bicker and feud but they will usually come through in a crisis...I love it when a family member has hate on you for years and does not speak...usually for no good reason- but at least they show up for funerals....a little late but better than nothing.
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Old 03-01-2013, 09:08 AM
 
Location: On the corner of Grey Street
6,067 posts, read 8,335,760 times
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If you need something you aren't getting then you have to ask for it. People aren't mind readers. If they are really your friend then they'll try to do what you need as long as it's within reason of course.
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Old 03-01-2013, 10:29 AM
 
571 posts, read 989,436 times
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I feel for you, Royalite, because it is hard to make good friends.

You have to know yourself, first. If you enjoy your own company, do you need very good friends? Those types that are your confidants? If you do want those super close friends, they come with good and bad.

I find that when I get too close to someone, they start sharing a lot of that negativity you're talking about. It's a fine line. You want to help your friends but you don't want to be their therapist.

No friend is ever perfect, of course, and neither am I. There's one thing I can't stand, though, is when friends become jealous or they don't have your best interests at heart. That can be very ugly and it is very disheartening. (The jealousy can stem from something basic such as looks and material things down to the relationship you have with your husband or kids - perhaps even your personality.)

Since I've been disillusioned with friends, I've tried casting a wider net. I've met acquaintances from a variety of sources. I keep most of them as acquaintances. I have a few close friends from college (long distance friends) and then there's my sister, who is my best friend.

Don't give up on people. Just try to meet more of them and keep them at arms length until you find their personalities justify you getting closer. You call the shots. You decide how friendly you want to get. (I find that negative people sometimes glom onto whoever will listen to their crap.)
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Old 03-01-2013, 10:34 AM
 
Location: PA
838 posts, read 1,015,072 times
Reputation: 1758
Quote:
Originally Posted by Angelcake4 View Post
I feel for you, Royalite, because it is hard to make good friends.

You have to know yourself, first. If you enjoy your own company, do you need very good friends? Those types that are your confidants? If you do want those super close friends, they come with good and bad.

I find that when I get too close to someone, they start sharing a lot of that negativity you're talking about. It's a fine line. You want to help your friends but you don't want to be their therapist.

No friend is ever perfect, of course, and neither am I. There's one thing I can't stand, though, is when friends become jealous or they don't have your best interests at heart. That can be very ugly and it is very disheartening. (The jealousy can stem from something basic such as looks and material things down to the relationship you have with your husband or kids - perhaps even your personality.)

Since I've been disillusioned with friends, I've tried casting a wider net. I've met acquaintances from a variety of sources. I keep most of them as acquaintances. I have a few close friends from college (long distance friends) and then there's my sister, who is my best friend.

Don't give up on people. Just try to meet more of them and keep them at arms length until you find their personalities justify you getting closer. You call the shots. You decide how friendly you want to get. (I find that negative people sometimes glom onto whoever will listen to their crap.)
I found this advice very sound and helpful! No friend will be perfect, and you got to keep trying! Actually, I've kind of given up for a while for the same reasons you posted, but this poster is right...you can't just give up on people. You got to try to meet more of them, and try to feel them out first. I'm at a lull with friendships right now, and its tough when you get discouraged and want to give up, so I can relate! There are others out there going through exactly what you are going through!
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Old 03-01-2013, 10:36 AM
 
7,330 posts, read 11,500,719 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Royalite View Post
I'm just wondering because right now I feel like I'm spending more time giving in friendships than I am receiving and I don't know if that's ever likely to change. I spent the last 2 years pretty much being a recluse because at some point I came to the realization that a lot of my friendships weren't making me happy at all! I felt like hey were guilting me to hang out with them and putting me down whenever I couldn't and that only further served to keep me away. So i cut ties. I didn't really feel lonely during that reclusive time but I realized that I was living that way not necessarily because I wanted to, but because I hadn't learned how to deal with others and I wanted to learn.

So I've opened my heart up again to people, but now I feel taken for granted by them. I feel like I'm doing a lot of the giving but getting very little return. I feel really LONELY for the first time in a long time and I do not like this feeling at all and beginning to feel like maybe I made a mistake in opening myself back up to others. I have friends now, yes. But I also have problems that I haven't had in years like people texting me all their negativity about life and giving me attitude when I try to cheer them up by sharing positive feedback. I want good, edifying relationships but I don't feel like I've gotten that or that they've ever truly lasted and I'm wondering if it's just a really really rare thing for people to have REAL friends.

I'm being a friend (and a good girlfriend). But I don't feel like I'm getting much return.
Yes, I know what it feels like to be blown off by friends. But when I read your post, it seems...

You used to have a former group of friends that wanted to get closer to you, but you didn't want to spend time with them because they didn't make you happy. So, you blew them off.

NOW, you are complaining because a group of people you would like to get to know better is doing the same to you.

That's a little iterative in my mind.
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Old 03-01-2013, 03:20 PM
 
Location: The Emerald City
1,065 posts, read 1,550,630 times
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Being introverts, we spend A LOT of time studying and watching people from the sidelines and we find that 90% of the population isn't worth our time, let alone our effort to get to know. We choose carefully and slowly who we let into our lives and a lot of people, especially extroverts simply don't get or want to understand that.
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Old 03-01-2013, 03:38 PM
 
1,765 posts, read 2,434,754 times
Reputation: 1536
Quote:
Originally Posted by jobaba View Post
Yes, I know what it feels like to be blown off by friends. But when I read your post, it seems...

You used to have a former group of friends that wanted to get closer to you, but you didn't want to spend time with them because they didn't make you happy. So, you blew them off.

NOW, you are complaining because a group of people you would like to get to know better is doing the same to you.

That's a little iterative in my mind.
I blew them off because they wanted to go clubbing and I'm a nurse major and could not go clubbing, hang out late at night, and go to all those events and still do well in school and when I explained that to them they became furious and would guilt me, comparing me to other nursing majors and didn't like that they saw other nurse majors hanging out late when I was not/could not. It reached a point that whenever I did hang out with them one of the girls would get very hostile with me and try to get into arguments with me over the matter or try to find fault in my choices. So I made my peace.

I'm sorry it came off that way. But I think I wrote the update to this story in here too.
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Old 03-01-2013, 03:41 PM
 
1,765 posts, read 2,434,754 times
Reputation: 1536
Quote:
Originally Posted by bluemonday View Post
I found this advice very sound and helpful! No friend will be perfect, and you got to keep trying! Actually, I've kind of given up for a while for the same reasons you posted, but this poster is right...you can't just give up on people. You got to try to meet more of them, and try to feel them out first. I'm at a lull with friendships right now, and its tough when you get discouraged and want to give up, so I can relate! There are others out there going through exactly what you are going through!
Yeah...shortly after I posted this, my friends and boyfriend started calling me one after the other and it turns out that many of them had gotten caught up in some other aspects of life so this was my mistake. I thanked all of them for calling me too lol because I realized that what they did in calling me or textig me was demonstrated and effort to maintain the friendship or relationship and so I didn't feel so taken for granted anymore. It's just they had to get rid of their own personal obligations before they could further demonstrate their friendship and I understand that wholeheartedly.
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Old 03-06-2013, 06:05 AM
 
Location: The New England part of Ohio
18,598 posts, read 23,156,163 times
Reputation: 48590
Quote:
Originally Posted by Oleg Bach View Post
Your true friend are probably bound by blood, family. You can have a lot of close associates who you enjoy but when it gets down to the crunch you have no friends. Family may bicker and feud but they will usually come through in a crisis...I love it when a family member has hate on you for years and does not speak...usually for no good reason- but at least they show up for funerals....a little late but better than nothing.

Your true friend is "bound by blood"? That is not even remotely true of so many thinking people in today's society! Many individuals have reacced their families of origin and found their siblings and yes, even their parents to be toxic. Not all, but I would say about 50% of people in our post modern world at least have learned as adults to keep some members of their families at arms length.

Many more have moved far away to put distance between themselves and their relatives, and still others have had to formally sever ties with their kin.

And they are healthier for it.

Speak for yourself on this one, Oleg. Perhaps you have no friends.

Many of us have plenty and there is no DNA involved.

There are healthy and wonderful people, on this forum alone who I know to come from some terrible and abusive families who are now whole and sane individuals because they have removed themselves from insane and toxic families.
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Old 03-06-2013, 06:40 AM
 
Location: Sunnyvale, CA
5,737 posts, read 9,435,748 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sheena12 View Post
Not all, but I would say about 50% of people in our post modern world at least have learned as adults to keep some members of their families at arms length.
That might be true in the U.S., but my wife is from South America and it is most definitely not the case down there.
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