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Old 03-04-2013, 12:12 PM
 
35,121 posts, read 39,914,163 times
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Your sons are old enough to make their own choices regarding relationship status no matter what either of you say about the other so accept the fact that your son likes the status of your relationship as it is and IF he is ready at some point he will change that status.

As far as the item you found, you know your ex-husband would like to have it and you previously seemed to have every intention of giving it to him if/when you found it so take it with you to the party and give it to him. Don't be a snit about an item that probably means nothing to you just to spite your ex-husband and how YOU think he should treat you in regards to child issues. It isn't like your children are minors and you have the NEED for constant contact. Go to the party, be gracious, give him the item and move on with your own life.

 
Old 03-04-2013, 12:51 PM
 
4,787 posts, read 9,229,300 times
Reputation: 12627
Much ado about nothing to my way of thinking.

You found an item you know your ex would like. Just mail it to him- he doesn't have to grovel for it. It doesn't require him praising you for returning it.

You do this for your children- not for you and not for him. It will teach your children how to remain amicable even after a divorce . This is still their father, show him respect and your children will respect you for it. Keep it, throw it away, and you wind up looking spiteful . It's a no win for you. .

You've been divorced for years, your kids are essentially grown. If he doesn't want to talk to you, so what- why do you feel the need to stay in touch with him and have him respond to you. An ex- is an ex.

Your kids aren't toddlers- they're young adults. Ask each what they would like to do for graduation. Let them organize with their father. Contribute as you can, depending on what you were planning on contributing. Seems like most of the family is near your ex, so assuming you would be flying in anyway.

Go to the parties, chit chat as you would with people you know, be proud of your sons and enjoy yourself. Your ex's life, what he is buying, etc. has nothing to do with you. Let it go, wish him well for your kid's sake and get on with your life.
 
Old 03-04-2013, 02:23 PM
 
Location: On the corner of Grey Street
6,064 posts, read 8,311,851 times
Reputation: 11527
I don't know what you did that made him so angry, but he's acting like a huge baby. The divorce was a long time ago and you had a legitimate need to speak to him. I can't believe he would make your son call you back! Wow. Putting your kids in the middle is wrong no matter how old they are. I'd keep whatever it is that you found, go as a guest to the party, and try not to let this bother me any futher.

I loathe my ex husband more than words can express, but if we had had children together I would treat him with respect for the sake of my kids.
 
Old 03-04-2013, 03:29 PM
 
16,026 posts, read 19,530,728 times
Reputation: 26180
If you want to give your sons graduation parties, then do so. If his sons want to invite him they will. Why would you bend over backwards to accommodate him, i.e. the item you found...This is setting yourself up...and he recognizes it as a ploy and has put up boundaries. Healthy boundaries are important.

You may need to ask yourself why after years of being divorced you are persisting in trying to control your ex's communication with you. These are boundary issues. He obviously wants no contact. I think you already know that you are expecting too much from someone who has made it clear he doesn't want to communicate with you.

It is normal to not be involved w/ your ex. Or, if you have an amicable divorce, and have mutual interest in a healthy open communication...then it is normal to be able to discuss things occasionally.

If you do not communicate well, or if there are hidden agendas....i.e. Your harboring anger about your son that lives w/ your ex. He simply does not want to give you a platform with which to start a verbal dialogue about something that he obviously does not want to discuss with you.

If your son is 24 he has made his own choices. It may not seem fair, but we have to accept an adults choices. Time passes, things change. What you may need to do is let go, so that as your son matures he will find a way back into the fold. But pushing the issue right now may be keeping him away.
Here is an interesting link that discusses when an adult child rejects his/her parent: Online coaching and counseling for parents rejected by children Good luck to you on this situation.
 
Old 03-04-2013, 03:44 PM
 
Location: A tropical island
4,520 posts, read 4,392,809 times
Reputation: 11105
[quote=JanND;28521076]
Quote:
If you want to give your sons graduation parties, then do so.
I don't think you read my previous posts. I live 1000 miles away. For past graduation parties, ex and I worked together to throw a party in the hometown (where I no longer live). I assumed this year would be no exception. I didn't realize I had been put on a "no call list."


Quote:
You may need to ask yourself why after years of being divorced you are persisting in trying to control your ex's communication with you. These are boundary issues. He obviously wants no contact.
Perhaps you missed where I said we hadn't talked on the phone for about 2 years. There had been no need to talk since that time, but I thought we were still on a "call if needed" basis. I had no idea when I left the voice mail yesterday that he would put our son in the middle of this and cause our son to have to deliver the message that he doesn't ever want to talk with me again. Ex had been civil 2 years ago, when we worked together on a grad party for one of our boys.
 
Old 03-04-2013, 04:08 PM
 
Location: A tropical island
4,520 posts, read 4,392,809 times
Reputation: 11105
Quote:
Originally Posted by willow wind View Post
Much ado about nothing to my way of thinking.

You found an item you know your ex would like. Just mail it to him- he doesn't have to grovel for it. It doesn't require him praising you for returning it.
I appreciate that you took time to respond, but I am confused by most of what you wrote. I didn't say anything about groveling or praise. I included the part about finding this item because that was one of the reasons I was calling my ex. I didn't expect praise, but I knew he would happy about this.

Quote:
You do this for your children- not for you and not for him. It will teach your children how to remain amicable even after a divorce . This is still their father, show him respect and your children will respect you for it. Keep it, throw it away, and you wind up looking spiteful . It's a no win for you. .
Absolutely agreed about showing him respect. I have NEVER said a bad word to my boys about their father. All I have ever said to people asking about our divorce was that "we brought out the worst in each other, and it is better that we are apart." That is not the WHOLE truth, but it is certainly true.

Quote:
You've been divorced for years, your kids are essentially grown. If he doesn't want to talk to you, so what- why do you feel the need to stay in touch with him and have him respond to you. An ex- is an ex.
I don't think calling him once in 2 years is "staying in touch." We do have reasons for communication, such as claiming our youngest as dependent on taxes.


Quote:
Your kids aren't toddlers- they're young adults. Ask each what they would like to do for graduation. Let them organize with their father. Contribute as you can, depending on what you were planning on contributing. Seems like most of the family is near your ex, so assuming you would be flying in anyway.
Yes, this is what I'll do now, now that I am aware that something (whatever it is) has changed and ex and I will no longer be cooperating to host this year's party, as we had for previous graduations.

Quote:
Go to the parties, chit chat as you would with people you know, be proud of your sons and enjoy yourself. Your ex's life, what he is buying, etc. has nothing to do with you. Let it go, wish him well for your kid's sake and get on with your life.
Oh, I've definitely gotten on with my life. I am happily married and loving life like never before. But considering the previous grad parties have been at my ex's home (he kept the home we lived in together and raised our kids in), I can't assume I will even be invited to this year's grad party. If he refuses to even take a phone call from me, it's unlikely he'll allow me into his house.
 
Old 03-04-2013, 04:27 PM
 
16,026 posts, read 19,530,728 times
Reputation: 26180
[quote=kayanne;28521292]
Quote:
Originally Posted by JanND View Post
I don't think you read my previous posts. I live 1000 miles away. For past graduation parties, ex and I worked together to throw a party in the hometown (where I no longer live). I assumed this year would be no exception. I didn't realize I had been put on a "no call list."


Perhaps you missed where I said we hadn't talked on the phone for about 2 years. There had been no need to talk since that time, but I thought we were still on a "call if needed" basis. I had no idea when I left the voice mail yesterday that he would put our son in the middle of this and cause our son to have to deliver the message that he doesn't ever want to talk with me again. Ex had been civil 2 years ago, when we worked together on a grad party for one of our boys.


So, maybe gifting your graduating son's w/ a plane ticket to come visit you and the family in your new city and spending time with you would be a better plan than just you flying in and attending a party at their Dads house. Perhaps it is time to develop relationships with your son's that do not involve their father at all. This may take the competition out of it and the pressure off your sons to try to appease both of you. Good luck on this.

Last edited by JanND; 03-04-2013 at 04:45 PM..
 
Old 03-04-2013, 04:51 PM
 
Location: A tropical island
4,520 posts, read 4,392,809 times
Reputation: 11105
[quote=JanND;28521907]
Quote:
Originally Posted by kayanne View Post



So, maybe gifting your graduating son's w/ a plane ticket to come visit you and the family in your new city and spending time with you would be a better plan than just you flying in and attending a party at their Dads house. Perhaps it is time to develop relationships with your son's that do not involve their father at all. This may take the competition out of it and the pressure off your sons to try to appease both of you. Good luck on this.
Yes, buying them plan tickets is a great idea, and is in fact something I am already planning to do, IF their schedules allow. I'm hoping they'll have some time after graduating before job/dental school.

I definitely cultivate my relationship with them without involving their dad. The ONLY time we have all been together since the divorce was at youngest son's high school graduation party and middle son's college graduation party. We worked cooperatively on the menu for those. Granted, we haven't been "chummy" since the divorce, but we managed to be civil when we needed to be.

What's weird about ex suddenly acting SO cold to me is that he stays in touch with many of my family members. The graduation party will have cousins and parents and aunts and uncles, on his side as well as my side of the family. It would be weird for everyone close to our boys to be there.....except their MOTHER.

The worst part of all of this was simply the fact that ex put my son in the position of playing messenger, to make SON be the person to tell me Dad never wants to talk with me again. Where did that come from? How was I supposed to know this?? (rhetorical questions---please don't try to answer ) I think that was way out of line. Ex could have simply emailed me to say he is now at a point in his life that he wants no more communication from me.
 
Old 03-04-2013, 04:54 PM
 
Location: Lower east side of Toronto
10,588 posts, read 10,717,143 times
Reputation: 9292
You sound like a close family - and I sense love in your heart for this man...the adult kids have a bit of bitterness...cos' they in their youthful wisdom did not see the reason for breaking up the family..I have not lived with my wife for 5 years...I visit her often...and we eat together - talk and sometimes make love...a while ago she brought things up from the past..this became a habit with her. I am not the same man I was 30 years ago and I resent having stupid things that do not matter brought up...the past is in oblivion...it's gone.

I have not spoken to her in a couple of weeks..but one of the kids mentioned that she feels some guilt and wants me to call...I would like to but I am punishing her...so I am no better than she when it comes to useless games....We do not live forever....I suggest to this poster that you call up the ex and tell him how you feel...that you love him...The two of you would not be playing these games if you did not love each other..maybe it's time to go home...and home is where the heart is...not where the lawyer says it is.
 
Old 03-04-2013, 04:59 PM
 
777 posts, read 719,108 times
Reputation: 1820
[quote=JanND;28521907]
Quote:
Originally Posted by kayanne View Post



So, maybe gifting your graduating son's w/ a plane ticket to come visit you and the family in your new city and spending time with you would be a better plan than just you flying in and attending a party at their Dads house. Perhaps it is time to develop relationships with your son's that do not involve their father at all. This may take the competition out of it and the pressure off your sons to try to appease both of you. Good luck on this.
I agree. Let the ex throw the party and maybe your sons can come and visit you and you all can celebrate their graduation in your town.
You tried to be nice. I would have done the same thing. Just mail the item to him and let it go. Your sons are adults; you don't have to have any communication with your ex at all.
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