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I've been divorced for about 5 years, have moved to a different part of the country, so I never see my ex and only contact him if it's completely necessary. For a while, I tried to remain "friendly," i.e. sending him a text message on birthdays or holidays to wish him well, but he never responded back, so I got the hint that he didn't appreciate those messages.
Two of our sons are graduating from college this year (one grad and one undergrad), so I've been wanting to talk with my ex about graduation parties for them. Since our divorce, ex and I have managed to work together to have parties to celebrate sons' graduations on 2 other occasions, so I assumed this year would be the same.
Additionally, I recently found something of value that belongs to my ex (well, it actually belonged to both of us, but he told me if I ever found it, he wanted it), and I wanted to let him know that it turned up.
So I called ex twice on Saturday; he didn't pick up. I called yesterday, and this time I left a message saying I had a couple things I needed to talk with him about. Instead of calling me back, he contacted our youngest son (21, away at college), and ex told son to call me. Son said, "Uh, Dad won't be able to call you back today, so he wanted me to tell you if you're wondering about graduation party, he's gonna take care of that." So I said, "Do you mean Dad won't be calling me TODAY, or are you saying he won't EVER be calling me?" and son kinda awkwardly said, "Yeah, I think it's never, but I figure you know your phone relationship with Dad better than I do." Well no, I don't. Granted, we don't talk on the phone much, last time was probably 2 years ago, but I thought we could have a conversation if we needed to.
I am furious that ex would put our son in the middle of this. I don't know if I should just drop the whole thing, keep the valuable item I found, fly in for the party without contributing or helping in any way, and try to not rock the boat. Of course part of me wants to remind ex of how to be a good parent after a divorce, and that includes not putting our boys in awkward situations.
BTW, an important part of this story, and why this situation bothers me so much, is that the middle of our 3 sons (24) still lives with Dad, and he has practically no relationship with me---won't pick up my calls, won't answer emails. I see this son only at Christmas and he barely speaks to me. I believe that my ex's bad attitude has contributed to the estrangement with this son. I had foolishly thought that my ex would be so happy about me finding his long-lost treasure, and so grateful about my honesty in returning it, that it could turn his (and therefore son's) attitude around a little bit.
But I'm so floored at ex's refusal to even pick up my calls that I don't know what to do. Thoughts?
Let him host the party alone, you just fly in as a guest. You can just send him the item you have. Oh, and stop making plans with the ex for your kids' events. If you want to have one, just plan one and be the sole host. Invite ex.
Don't call back.
As for son living with dad...don't push it. Go ahead and send cards for b'day's, Xmas, whatever, but know that he may not respond. Then re-evaluate the relationship if he continues to ignore you.
Let him host the party alone, you just fly in as a guest. You can just send him the item you have. Oh, and stop making plans with the ex for your kids' events. If you want to have one, just plan one and be the sole host. Invite ex.
Don't call back.
As for son living with dad...don't push it. Go ahead and send cards for b'day's, Xmas, whatever, but know that he may not respond. Then re-evaluate the relationship if he continues to ignore you.
Let him host the party alone, you just fly in as a guest. You can just send him the item you have. Oh, and stop making plans with the ex for your kids' events. If you want to have one, just plan one and be the sole host. Invite ex.
Don't call back.
As for son living with dad...don't push it. Go ahead and send cards for b'day's, Xmas, whatever, but know that he may not respond. Then re-evaluate the relationship if he continues to ignore you.
This ^^^ only I would keep the item. There's no point in rewarding your ex for bad behavior.
As for your middle son, when he's on his own and has a chance to step back from his father's input, he may come around. Adult children of divorced parents usually do.
You can just send him the item you have. Oh, and stop making plans with the ex for your kids' events. If you want to have one, just plan one and be the sole host. Invite ex.
Considering I now live 1000 miles away from the rest of the family (my ex, sons, and extended family) it wouldn't work for me to host the party. Well, unless I flew back there, and did it at a restaurant, but we have a very large extended family so that would be expensive. Our families have always been about the backyard, pitch-in style of party, with dozens of people. Hard to really interact with everyone in a large group at a restaurant.
Additionally, when our first son graduated from college (this was the first major event just a few months after the divorce), I still lived in the area. I hosted a graduation party for my side of the family, Dad hosted a separate one for his side. Son was a little sad about that. He (wisely) reminded me and ex, "Now, if I ever get married, I am NOT going to have two weddings, so I hope the two of you can manage to come together when we need you to."
This ^^^ only I would keep the item. There's no point in rewarding your ex for bad behavior.
Yeah, I may just sell it and use the proceeds as a cash gift to my boys.
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As for your middle son, when he's on his own and has a chance to step back from his father's input, he may come around. Adult children of divorced parents usually do.
He is actually in the process of buying a house of his own, and I sincerely hope that what you say will come to pass. I miss him so much.
I am a lot like you in the fact that once I have engaged emotionally with a person they are part of the fabric of my life. Even when the relationship changes, if it was a really significant one, somehow I am forever connected and I have this part of me that will keep a place in my heart for that person. In your case, since one of your kids resides with Dad, the connection is even stronger. I am divorced from my 1st husband for over 20 years but at times I will encounter something that makes me want to send an email to him. I stifle it! Your former husband has sent you a loud and clear signal that he doesn't want to have a direct relationship with you. Some people simply are not like us. So, even though you are able to transition to a different but workable relationship with this person -- he isn't able to do the same! That's just how it is and you need to respect that. I remember when I was dating my (current) husband 10 years ago and his former wife left him a voice message on his home answering machine with a pretty simple inquiry and he just erased it. Really surprised me and I thought it quite mean. In fact, I really wondered about continuing on in the relationship with him over that little act. But, of course I did marry him and he's a great husband to me. He just didn't want to have anything to do with his ex, even when she was being quite nice... Oh, well...
Let him host the party alone, you just fly in as a guest. You can just send him the item you have. Oh, and stop making plans with the ex for your kids' events. If you want to have one, just plan one and be the sole host. Invite ex.
Don't call back.
As for son living with dad...don't push it. Go ahead and send cards for b'day's, Xmas, whatever, but know that he may not respond. Then re-evaluate the relationship if he continues to ignore you.
^agreed. However, I would keep the item. You seem entirely too concerned about your EX husband's feelings. You are ex's for a reason. It's good YOU have no animosity but your ex wants nothing to do with you right now (i'm curious to know his side). Divorce always puts kids in the middle. Even if they aren't being used as intermediaries they are caught in the middle while they are dependent on one/both of you. You don't want to be warring factions but you two are not friends. Fortunately, the kids are old enough to realize that. They're also old enough to coordinate their own events. Just ask them what they need from you and contribute. Hope you and the ex are able to resume communications but for now, give him space. It's on him to contact you. You just focus on your relationship with the kids.
Ex's are "Ex's" for a reason. Mine just went whacko and is still so angry that there is nothing i could ever do that would break through the incivility.
An old lawyer gave me some advice, and a warning: You have to stop trying to understand WHY she is SO angry. Stop trying to treat her like it was a normal situation. For whatever reason she is beyond angry and YOU have to stop trying to pretend you can do anything about it. OP, you might consider this.
Using children between divorced parents? One of my daughters ended up in the hospital....auto accident....mom is there in the hospital with daughter....i get wind of this (mom never calls) and call to inquire about daughters condition. Mom hangs up. Later, daughter #2 calls me with updates. Mom calls daughter #2; daughter #2 calls me. Talk about putting a kid in the middle. No matter how many times i tried to get mom to understand that it was very unhealthy for the children to be put in this position, and no matter how many articles and books i suggested she read to get a handle on this behavior, she refused.
Just move on. You can't change the behavior of people who don't wish to change. The only person that you are hurting is yourself. Trust me, it took me years to learn that 'normal' behaviors just don't work with some people--especially "ex's".
I remember when I was dating my (current) husband 10 years ago and his former wife left him a voice message on his home answering machine with a pretty simple inquiry and he just erased it. Really surprised me and I thought it quite mean.
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Originally Posted by Ted Bear
Using children between divorced parents? One of my daughters ended up in the hospital....auto accident....mom is there in the hospital with daughter....i get wind of this (mom never calls) and call to inquire about daughters condition. Mom hangs up. Later, daughter #2 calls me with updates. Mom calls daughter #2; daughter #2 calls me. Talk about putting a kid in the middle. No matter how many times i tried to get mom to understand that it was very unhealthy for the children to be put in this position, and no matter how many articles and books i suggested she read to get a handle on this behavior, she refused.
Thanks for these examples. These really helped put my situation in perspective, and to understand that I don't need to "fix" this. I just need to respect ex's desire to be left completely alone.
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