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Old 03-07-2013, 11:01 AM
 
Location: Southfield
80 posts, read 72,856 times
Reputation: 75

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Quote:
Originally Posted by CraigCreek View Post
Okay, you've gotten lots of good advice from a lot of people, not all of whom are exasperated. It seems to me you have several viable options:

1. Enroll in college classes asap - you may have to wait until summer to do this, unless you can find a local college which offers half-semester classes. Meanwhile, go over to the college and talk with the admissions department about your situation and goals. Find out if college loans are available and what they can suggest in the way of housing.

2. Stay with your present job, but look into transferring to another location. Find out the cost of a bus ticket, locate temporary housing (could be the Y, could be a cheap motel, could be a shelter) in the new location.

3. Find out what's required to get a raise or to increase your income at your current job.

4. Consider taking a second job, or finding another job which pays more. Good grief, go door to door in your neighborhood and offer to shovel snow off sidewalks and driveways. You can easily pick up $20 or more per house this way - five houses= $100, not bad for a few hours' work and investment in a good snow shovel (which should be on sale, this late in the season). When spring comes, offer to assist with yard clean-up, hedge trimming, planting grass seed, mowing, whatever needs doing. Use the time you're presenting spending in the basement playing computer games working and earning money for your future.

5. Locate temporary housing in your present area - again, it could be a shelter, the Y, a cheap motel, living with a roommate, etc. Anything that removes you from your present situation while you continue to consider making a bigger move. Check the newspapers and local community newsletters, craigslist, community bulletin boards, etc. There are usually tabloids which list available rentals. Check with local churches, even if you don't have much use for organized religion (interested that you termed your rescuer a "good samaritan" - do you know the origin of that term?)

6. Get counseling via Al-Anon (which is for families and friends of alcoholics, and is free. There should be several weekly meetings in your area, and once you get to one, hitching a ride with someone else might be a possibility) or your local mental health center (where it should be free or inexpensive to obtain weekly counseling), learn about how co-dependency can be incapacitating, and apply what you learn. At least get some library books about co-dependency and alcoholism, if you can't swing Al-Anon meetings or counseling.

7. Or stay in your present situation and continue to complain and fume while spinning your wheels. I do not recomment this.

By the way, how long have you been working at your present job? Did you work previously? I am a little confused as to why at age 28, you state that you cannot afford to move out, get a car, etc. Have you any savings at all? It's fine to pay rent and/or help with expenses if you're living at home with your family under normal circumstances, but it's clear your circumstances are not normal. What has happened to all the money you've earned? Did some of it go into the various aviation-related computer games or equipment you've described? Did you give it all to your parents, under duress or voluntarily? Where did it go?

You can improve your life and make it much, much better - but you have to decide to take the first steps, and you have to decide what those first steps should be and in what direction you want them to take you.

Best wishes to you in helping yourself out of your present plight.

"What has happened to all my money?" My mother demands most of it, leaving me with nothing but pockt money, which dosent even last a week, as i usually dont get home until after midnite, so i actually have to eat on the go, which is expensive. She tells me "Dont be afraid to ask to borrow money from her" so that i'm pretty much in debt to her, constantly owing her so that i end up with even less. I've already figured that out, so i actually go hungry pretty much, unless my job is having something food related for the employees, which is almost every friday.....i get paid biweekly, and i have a banking account, but am unable to put anything into it due to my mother taking pretty much what i make. I understand i pay the rents and stuff, but its getting me nowhere. IF I HAVE TO BE HOMELESS SO BE IT. I cant do this anymore. I need my sanity and peace. Im in the process of making plans to leave.

I have already applied for classes at OCC and i did sign up for the On camus housing. I just need the financial aid to come thru. I have worked at target since October 2012. Previously worked at Walmart. Was a great worker there until i was called into the break-room and I was fired along with with 16 others. They called it downsizing. It was only 4 weeks unemployed until target called.

I already have everything i need for my FS stuff. it's pretty inexpensive and i have a lot of free aircraft t download. Just waiting for the Boeing 787 to be released. I am working on temporary housing as i talk.
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Old 03-07-2013, 11:12 AM
 
Location: The Hall of Justice
25,906 posts, read 36,195,563 times
Reputation: 42502
What happens if you don't give her your money?
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Old 03-07-2013, 11:21 AM
 
Location: Southfield
80 posts, read 72,856 times
Reputation: 75
Quote:
Originally Posted by JustJulia View Post
What happens if you don't give her your money?
The narcissist abuse starts all over again, saying everything negative about me and how i'm working a "Schoolboy's Job" than it eventually escalates to physical abuse when i try to stand up for myself and explain to her there are few resources.. And then I'll end up on he streets anyway.

It's a never ending cycle that you guys are slowly but surely giving me the courage to end. Permanently.
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Old 03-07-2013, 11:28 AM
 
Location: Eastern WV Panhandle
387 posts, read 521,097 times
Reputation: 409
Quote:
Originally Posted by ShellNic View Post
Did you give any thought to what the OP stated? For instance, he moved back home because of the recession and he's paying his parents to live there. It's difficult to get all the deposits and money together when you have a job from Target...they don't pay all that well. He plays video games to get away from his God-awful parents. When you're depressed, it's difficult to do just about anything and you certainly don't want to dwell on reality...sheesh, have a little more empathy?
I have plenty of empathy. I am also a realist. The OP admittedly has no money, limited skills, no car, and no way to pay for a car, the rent for a room, or even one course per semester at a local college. Hence my suggestion to join the military, which would have provided all of that as well as a structure in which he could grow and mature. Unfortunately his heart condition removes that option.

Playing video games is fun, but frankly it's a luxury for someone in his situation. He needs to spend every spare moment moving toward one goal: getting self-supporting enough to leave that house and its toxic environment. As a low-skilled minimum-wage employee he won't find a full-time gig with benefits, and thanks to 0bamacare companies are capping part-timers at 25 hours per week to avoid paying for health insurance. For the OP, that means he needs a second part-time job waiting tables, flipping burgers, or at another retailer - a job that his parents don't know about, with the income deposited into a second checking account to keep his mom from stealing it. Once he has a few thousand in the bank to cover rent and a car, he has options.

As for the whole woman-thing that has recently developed, I'm gobsmacked. Dude, the problems with your mom go back at least 10 years or more. Get that fixed first by moving out on your own before even considering dating.

ETA: Saw the update where the OP is working on going to school and has applied for financial aid. Make sure whatever money you get is truly aid and not a loan, or in four years you will find yourself in exactly the same situation but with a massive debt hanging over your head.
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Old 03-07-2013, 12:22 PM
 
Location: Southfield
80 posts, read 72,856 times
Reputation: 75
Quote:
Originally Posted by bcr229 View Post
I have plenty of empathy. I am also a realist. The OP admittedly has no money, limited skills, no car, and no way to pay for a car, the rent for a room, or even one course per semester at a local college. Hence my suggestion to join the military, which would have provided all of that as well as a structure in which he could grow and mature. Unfortunately his heart condition removes that option.

Playing video games is fun, but frankly it's a luxury for someone in his situation. He needs to spend every spare moment moving toward one goal: getting self-supporting enough to leave that house and its toxic environment. As a low-skilled minimum-wage employee he won't find a full-time gig with benefits, and thanks to 0bamacare companies are capping part-timers at 25 hours per week to avoid paying for health insurance. For the OP, that means he needs a second part-time job waiting tables, flipping burgers, or at another retailer - a job that his parents don't know about, with the income deposited into a second checking account to keep his mom from stealing it. Once he has a few thousand in the bank to cover rent and a car, he has options.

As for the whole woman-thing that has recently developed, I'm gobsmacked. Dude, the problems with your mom go back at least 10 years or more. Get that fixed first by moving out on your own before even considering dating.

ETA: Saw the update where the OP is working on going to school and has applied for financial aid. Make sure whatever money you get is truly aid and not a loan, or in four years you will find yourself in exactly the same situation but with a massive debt hanging over your head.

Sorry buddy. I don't DO loans. Ive seen the damage they do.
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Old 03-07-2013, 01:04 PM
 
Location: Man with a tan hat
799 posts, read 1,311,641 times
Reputation: 1443
The OP seems to like to put down suggestions with "I can't" or "I don't":

-- I don't do loans
-- I don't have a car
-- I can't join the military
-- I can't ride a bike

etc., etc.

These words should not be in your vocab. If you are truly desperate, stop finding ways that things won't can't or don't happen and just MOVE OUT. Many have suggested getting as many jobs as you can handle. Cut down on the video games and the hanging out at Target or McDonald's before your shift and use that time to pound the pavement, resume in hand, looking for something else that pays you money to be away from home.

When you are truly motivated, you will start finding creative ways to accomplish things instead of putting up excuses not to. You are starting to sound like a codependent. You may not be ready to move on yet.
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Old 03-07-2013, 01:45 PM
 
10,366 posts, read 8,359,306 times
Reputation: 19114
The OP also said that he is not a candidate for the military, due to a heart problem.

Trell, quit trying to "stand up to and explain" to your mother, since this seems to be what sets her off. Just come home, say," Hi, Mom", and go straight to your room. If she follows you and wants your money, tell her you can give her X amount each month for rent, and that's it.

You could even put it in writing - keep a copy and give her one, spelling out just how much you'll give her each month and when she can expect it. As in "on the first Friday of each month, I will pay X amount for room and board as long as I am living at home."

That amount should be less than 25% of your total take home pay. The rest is yours - you've earned it. Don't engage in arguing with her or in defending yourself. If you follow the advise of many posters here and take a second job or start doing odd jobs to make more money, that additional money should be all yours.

Just say, "Sorry, Mom - I know you don't like it, but this is what it is and I am not going to discuss it with you anymore". If she keeps on badgering you, leave the house and go to the library. Or leave and walk around the block, if it's late. Just don't engage with her - it sounds as if it's a power play for her to exert control over you, and it's most inappropriate.

It's been suggested that you ask Target if they can do a direct deposit of your paycheck into your bank account - have you tried this? The less money in your pocket means the less money your mother can pick from your pocket.
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Old 03-07-2013, 02:08 PM
 
Location: Southfield
80 posts, read 72,856 times
Reputation: 75
Quote:
Originally Posted by CraigCreek View Post
The OP also said that he is not a candidate for the military, due to a heart problem.

Trell, quit trying to "stand up to and explain" to your mother, since this seems to be what sets her off. Just come home, say," Hi, Mom", and go straight to your room. If she follows you and wants your money, tell her you can give her X amount each month for rent, and that's it.

You could even put it in writing - keep a copy and give her one, spelling out just how much you'll give her each month and when she can expect it. As in "on the first Friday of each month, I will pay X amount for room and board as long as I am living at home."

That amount should be less than 25% of your total take home pay. The rest is yours - you've earned it. Don't engage in arguing with her or in defending yourself. If you follow the advise of many posters here and take a second job or start doing odd jobs to make more money, that additional money should be all yours.

Just say, "Sorry, Mom - I know you don't like it, but this is what it is and I am not going to discuss it with you anymore". If she keeps on badgering you, leave the house and go to the library. Or leave and walk around the block, if it's late. Just don't engage with her - it sounds as if it's a power play for her to exert control over you, and it's most inappropriate.

It's been suggested that you ask Target if they can do a direct deposit of your paycheck into your bank account - have you tried this? The less money in your pocket means the less money your mother can pick from your pocket.
Im looking for a second job but no one is calling. I keep checking them and they give me teh same runaround. I beg target for more hours, they wont give it. Jobs are few here in Michigan, and all that is left are low wage. Yes target does direct deposit, BUT mom gets in the way. If i do that, she wall say im going behind her back and doing what i want to do, or im defying her. Its a no win. She always gets her way, no matter what. I have to leave.
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Old 03-07-2013, 02:52 PM
 
7,356 posts, read 13,173,380 times
Reputation: 8906
Quote:
Originally Posted by Trell B View Post
Yes target does direct deposit, BUT mom gets in the way. If i do that, she wall say im going behind her back and doing what i want to do, or im defying her. Its a no win. She always gets her way, no matter what. I have to leave.
Go do the direct deposit. Its really easy to set up. Your mother's not in the way, but she does get her way because you give into her. If you do not want to be a victim anymore, you're going to have to start acknowledging and accepting responsibility for your actions as well. The defeatist attitude has never helped anyone.
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Old 03-07-2013, 05:32 PM
 
10,366 posts, read 8,359,306 times
Reputation: 19114
There's nothing wrong with "doing what you want to do" with your own money which you have earned by your own labor, Trell. Nor are you "going behind your mother's back" to make use of your own money, nor are you "defying her" - these are her perceptions, and appear to have nothing to do with reality.

That reality is that it is your money, not hers, and that it was earned by your labor, not hers, and it's your business what you do with it, not hers. You are an adult- but even if you were a 14 year old with a paper route, it would still be your money and your labor and your decision.

So get out as soon as you can, and meanwhile, give your mother about 25% of your paycheck for your room and board, as I previously suggested. After you're out, there's no need to give her any money.

Is her desperation to get her hands on your money just a control issue, or does she an addict who is using and needs the money for booze or drugs?
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