U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Non-Romantic Relationships
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
 
Old 03-06-2013, 12:00 PM
 
Location: Mid-Atlantic
1,820 posts, read 3,985,214 times
Reputation: 1903

Advertisements

I have written in the past on different threads about a family member of mine who I use to be very close with. She is my cousin and we were extremely close at one time, but it seems over the years, since becoming parents, we have drifted.
We don't live near each other and before we had our children, we would always talk during the week.
My husband & I would always be sure to visit them when we go home & they would also come & spend time with us.
As our families have formed & our kids are growing, I obviously knew things would change, just not in the way they have.
My cousin & her husband have always struggled somewhat financially, but in recent years because of bonus $ given by his company and she is now working, they are doing much better.
I am very happy for them, but cannot easily forget how she would always make snide comments about how my husband & I spend our money friviously ( which we did not and have not), always comments about the clothing our children wear and how ridiculous it was for me to buy clothes from certain brands ( I shooped Mini Boden a lot when my kids were younger) because they grow out of them quickly,etc...
I feel like everything is a competetition with her.
When our kids were younger she would say things to me like ; "Why do you have them doing all these activities - Little Gym, mommy & me music classes,etc ), you should be enjoying your time at home with them,etc,etc...
I just kind of let the comments go.
Now as our kids are getting older, there are different activities, soccer, softball,dance things like that. She still makes comments but now she rattles of her laundry list of their kids activities and how very busy theybare & she doesn't have time for this or that.
She will actually send me the strangest out of the blue texts like " so busy this week, we have this,this and that" and I don't know why or how I am suppose to even respond to it. Good for you? We are all busy.
When we were busy w/ the kids , there were always the snide comments, and I feel like now that their finances allow them to be doing more, they are throwing it in people's faces and it is just so irritating & bizarre.

When my children received their DS game systems from Santa one year, she told me her kids didn't even know what one was and they used their imagination when they played, they didn't need those. Now not only does her son have a DS but he has the larger , newest one as well as a Wii.
When I vent about my husband traveling ( which he does on a very frequent basis), she says " well (husband) isn't home on such & such a night because he bowls". Great, but not the same. My husband is out of state & sometimes out of the country, not up the road at a bowling alley!
I don't live near family so there are times when I am really stressed with normal kid stuff. I don't
Have the support system she has if she needed it, but somehow, her situation is always worse.
We are 40 something yr. old women here, it shouldn't be a competition and I just feel like everything
I do there is a snide remark or a comparison and I am to the point where I avoid her phone calls when she
Isnt " too busy" to call.
Even her texts are just annoying. Just a few weeks ago, I received one out of the blue telling me
How her kids were pretending they were at the beach ( it was a day off from school) and how lovely
It was that they could still enjoy time w/out being connected or sitting in front of a video game.
It is just weird to text a paragraph to someone about how their 10 & 8 yr olds are playing...
She knows that my kids would & I fully admit, rather be playing on their ipod touches if time allows.
My kids are active but yes, I will fully admit, they love their ipods too!

I just find myself feeling frustrated after having a conversation with her and not wanting to spend time
With them as we did in the past.

Last edited by NYMD67; 03-06-2013 at 12:11 PM.. Reason: Incorrect word..
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 03-06-2013, 01:17 PM
 
16,988 posts, read 20,549,176 times
Reputation: 33950
Relationships change, time to put some distance between your cousin and yourself.

It sounds like she was very resentful of you and your husband because you were doing better, now things have changed for her and she has to constantly remind you of this.

Start by not answering her texts, if she calls or emails you can say you are just too busy to respond.

Just because you're related doesn't mean you have to put up with this.

It's great that you were close as kids, but you're no longer children and if she aggravates you like this time to have less contact.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-06-2013, 06:52 PM
 
Location: Back at home in western Washington!
1,500 posts, read 3,918,588 times
Reputation: 3226
Sadly, some people are like that. I used to feel that way with my SIL - everything was a competition. Our first children are only 16 days apart, so you can imagine what it was like . However, there was a point when I really looked at how her life was and how her kids behaved, and realized that I didn't have anything to feel frustrated about. In my eyes, I won the "competition" hands down .

If you are content with how you are raising your kids and you like the way your life is going...you can blow off her need to brag at you and just shrug it away. I got so good at patronizing my SIL when she bragged (OH REALLY?! That's great!!!, Did you REALLY?! How wonderful for you!!, You POOR thing, you certainly deserve a break!! - you get the idea).

Seriously, don't talk about your kids AT ALL. Make it all about her. Sounds odd, but it will stop because there is no more competition for her. You aren't admitting she "won"...you are lavishing attention on her (which is what she's looking for). Bottom line...she's insecure and feels like she is on the "short end of the stick" compared to you.

Annoying, but it is a compliment of sorts to you .
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-06-2013, 08:00 PM
 
Location: State of Being
35,885 posts, read 66,928,139 times
Reputation: 22369
You need a new set of friends. Just b/c you are related, it doesn't mean that under different circumstances you would even be friends.

It seems to be important to you that you share some of the same history with one another but . . . we all move on . . . circumstances change, we grow, we move on.

I have found that, looking back, most of the stress in my life has come from people I am related to. As I have gotten older, I have less and less interaction with relatives (except a few very close ones) and the more enjoyable life has become. Families tend to focus on negatives and create drama getting into each other's business . . . If you don't spend time together, don't reveal all the details of your life, then other folks can't compare, criticize, gossip, "one-up" etc.

So the way to solve this is - find other people to confide in (or write in a journal or online) . . . and start putting this particular relationship on a much more superficial, less involved level.

When being around particular people ends up feeling annoying, it really is time to evaluate (which you are doing - so that is a good thing!) and figure out how to distance one's self a bit.

Good luck! Sounds like you and your hubby have established yourselves a good life - enjoy it - and don't let anyone else mar the joy!!!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-06-2013, 09:20 PM
 
Location: Canada
3,858 posts, read 2,692,727 times
Reputation: 4993
Quote:
Originally Posted by NYMD67 View Post
I just find myself feeling frustrated after having a conversation with her and not wanting to spend time With them as we did in the past.
If you are at the point of writing her off, and for the sake of the closeness you once shared, why not be honest with her and tell her how you feel? You have nothing to lose at that point. Ask her is she feels a lot of unexpressed anger towards you. I can't think of any other reason for the putdowns, unless it's just jealousy.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-06-2013, 10:03 PM
 
Location: Planet Earth, USA
1,643 posts, read 1,771,968 times
Reputation: 3324
Sounds like you are a bit competitive and jealous yourself.

I maybe wrong but that's what I immediately thought while reading your post.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-07-2013, 07:47 PM
 
Location: Mid-Atlantic
1,820 posts, read 3,985,214 times
Reputation: 1903
Quote:
Originally Posted by behindthescreen View Post
Sounds like you are a bit competitive and jealous yourself.

I maybe wrong but that's what I immediately thought while reading your post.

I am only jealous of the fact that she has a support system to help her when she is "too busy". Otherwise, no.
I am genuinely very happy that things have turned around for them.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-10-2013, 01:27 AM
 
5,703 posts, read 16,093,728 times
Reputation: 8557
I agree relationships change and I have experienced this more after the kids arrived. Women tend to be really hard on each other when it comes to parenting and material wealth. I had a cousin I was close to for years but after we got married and started buying houses and so on, she would make comments to me that basically came across as she felt sorry for me. True she and her husband were doing better financially (also didnt help that her husband got monthly dividends from a family owned business) but I was pretty happy with my starter home. She walked around the house inspecting it like a FBI agent and would say things like "Oh...this is so good..for you." It got pretty annoying and over the years we simply let our relationship go to the waste side. I dont even know her anymore. When I do see her every 5 or 10 yrs, its awkward.

I had another friend, that after we had our kids, the relationship went sour. She became pretty competitive about odd ball things. Same stuff as you about what we got our kids and so forth. One year she got her son a xbox and a playstation. She asked me what I got my child and said just the Xbox. She let out a big sigh and said "ohhhhh, well that's okay. Im sure he will be happy with that." Like his xmas was ruined or something. I just dont have time for those types of people.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 03-10-2013, 05:44 AM
 
Location: Canada
5,658 posts, read 4,096,801 times
Reputation: 15185
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sabinerose View Post
Sadly, some people are like that. I used to feel that way with my SIL - everything was a competition. Our first children are only 16 days apart, so you can imagine what it was like . However, there was a point when I really looked at how her life was and how her kids behaved, and realized that I didn't have anything to feel frustrated about. In my eyes, I won the "competition" hands down .

If you are content with how you are raising your kids and you like the way your life is going...you can blow off her need to brag at you and just shrug it away. I got so good at patronizing my SIL when she bragged (OH REALLY?! That's great!!!, Did you REALLY?! How wonderful for you!!, You POOR thing, you certainly deserve a break!! - you get the idea).

Seriously, don't talk about your kids AT ALL. Make it all about her. Sounds odd, but it will stop because there is no more competition for her. You aren't admitting she "won"...you are lavishing attention on her (which is what she's looking for). Bottom line...she's insecure and feels like she is on the "short end of the stick" compared to you.

Annoying, but it is a compliment of sorts to you .
I SO agree with this. Your cousin was jealous of you and ran everything down that you and your kids had or did. Now that her family is able to afford things and activities she used to envy, she's proud, and wants you to know about it. Just go along with it. She is "insecure from feeling she was on the short end of the stick" and hopefully shortly the bragging will stop, but for now give her some praise and congratulations for doing well.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Non-Romantic Relationships
Similar Threads
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2019, Advameg, Inc. | Please obey Forum Rules | Terms of Use and Privacy Policy

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top