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Old 03-07-2013, 02:08 AM
 
4 posts, read 7,749 times
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I am diagnosed with depression and anxiety disorder. I've been through extensive counseling, but am not currently in counseling due to the success of said counseling, but I'm still on medication to treat my condition. I'm doing great right now but in the past I've tended to isolate myself while at my worst. Since I've come out of the depression, I've been reaching out trying to form a social circle with varied success.

Recently, I've become friends with a woman that I've known for about 5 months. We started to hang out just a few weeks ago; usually doing things that she enjoys. At first, I didn't think anything about it as, well, I wasn't ready to make the first 'move', so to speak, in inviting her out. I have issues with rejection but recently I've tried to invite her to do things and for one reason or another she 'misses' the invite. I'll try to call her and don't get an answer so I text the invite. Eventually, I receive a phone call or text expressing dismay that she 'missed' the invitation. After two unsuccessful attempts, I'm wondering if I'm wasting my time and if I'm being used.

I've brainstormed with her over business ventures and done a lot of work to help her get started. We usually end up mostly talking about her 'stuff'. She's usually happy to talk with me if she needs something but I'm starting to wonder if she's taking advantage of me.

I've noticed some other issues that worry me as well. She talks of people in terms of what they can do for her and her other close friend helps her out a lot. She's also mentioned that she doesn't feel guilt over having an affair with a married man, which I just found out about. Finally, she's mentioned falling out with several former friends and one business partner.

With that being said, she's very charming and I really enjoy hanging out with her. Part of me is saying I'm worrying too much due to my own issues but the other part of me is seeing red flags. I guess I'm not trusting myself. Am I feeling rejected over the two invites and over analyzing flaws or is there something to my worries?
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Old 03-07-2013, 05:24 AM
 
5,702 posts, read 16,183,209 times
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She sounds like trouble. Go with your gut feelings.
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Old 03-07-2013, 06:19 AM
 
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I agree. Follow your gut. Missing an invite once, maybe. More than once? Nope. She's making excuses.
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Old 03-07-2013, 07:18 AM
 
Location: Southern California
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Don't use your two diagnoses as excuses for not noticing a bad friend. I don't have any kind of depression & anxiety disorders & from what you've described of her, I wouldn't want to be her friend if I started seeing & noticing these things about her. She seems like a narcissistic & rather cold & insincere person who's probably a flake too. People like that can be fun to be around on the surface as you've mentioned, but I don't know if people like that can be true, genuine friends to you. I say NO.

I'd start distancing myself from her. You deserve betterr friends than that & please don't use your diagnoses & think that you "deserve" her friendship. You're better than that. And something tells me she won't be around much longer anyway if you even vented once or twice about your life or conditions because she won't have time to listen to that. She's too worried about her own (probbably miserable & unfulfilled) life.
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Old 03-07-2013, 08:52 AM
 
Location: Mostly in my head
19,822 posts, read 55,980,702 times
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Yeah, she's using you. Go when you want to, not just because she called. Quit being so helpful about business. Try to talk about something you are interested in. If she complains or drops you, you will know for sure.
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Old 03-07-2013, 09:31 AM
 
Location: On the corner of Grey Street
6,071 posts, read 8,365,038 times
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If you enjoy hanging out with her and she invites you to do something, then go if you're free and have a good time. I think it's okay to have people you socialize with now and then, but that you're not "close" to. She may just be someone to pass the time with when there's no one else available. Doesn't mean you have to tell her personal things about yourself or be best friends.
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Old 03-07-2013, 10:30 AM
 
17,000 posts, read 20,668,960 times
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OP, you need to learn the difference between a friend and an acquaintance.

You have only known this woman a few months and you said only started hanging out with her a few weeks ago, that is an acquaintance not a friend. And I would keep it that way.
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Old 03-07-2013, 12:10 PM
 
4 posts, read 7,749 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Forever Blue View Post
Don't use your two diagnoses as excuses for not noticing a bad friend. I don't have any kind of depression & anxiety disorders & from what you've described of her, I wouldn't want to be her friend if I started seeing & noticing these things about her. She seems like a narcissistic & rather cold & insincere person who's probably a flake too. People like that can be fun to be around on the surface as you've mentioned, but I don't know if people like that can be true, genuine friends to you. I say NO.

I'd start distancing myself from her. You deserve betterr friends than that & please don't use your diagnoses & think that you "deserve" her friendship. You're better than that. And something tells me she won't be around much longer anyway if you even vented once or twice about your life or conditions because she won't have time to listen to that. She's too worried about her own (probbably miserable & unfulfilled) life.
Good points. I mentioned my two diagnoses as I feel they are relevant to the fact that putting myself out there is something I haven't done in a long time. I feel a bit vulnerable and rusty. I haven't had a friend in so long that I guess I'm just excited to have someone. But as another poster said, perhaps I'm jumping the gun on calling her a friend.

I've been thinking about all the help I've offered her and realized that I'm doing that in an effort to make sure she likes me. It's as if I think I'm not worth liking on my own merits. And, you know what, it shouldn't be like that. Hmmm, maybe time for a tune-up with my therapist.
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Old 03-08-2013, 12:40 AM
 
Location: Southern California
5,431 posts, read 8,145,995 times
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Right snowfalls. To me, friendships should be 50/50. No one person should be doing most of the callilng, the initiating of hanging out, doing most of the venting, doing all the talking about oneself, etc. If someone can't positively & equally contribute to the friendship, who needs them! Frienships should definitely not be based on desperation, pity, etc.

I've never had many friends in my life...maybe 1 or 2 frirends & I wouldn't call them close friends. I've ad to tand alone, but I won't beg anyone to be my friend no matter how much I may want a frirend. they need to show some intrest in you too & that they value you. They're no better than you.

So I'm curious, you say she's using you. What do you have to offer that she's using you for? For example, do you have the connections with important people who she may try to meet? Are you rich & she wants to shop & get some stuff out of you?
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Old 03-08-2013, 06:32 AM
 
26,345 posts, read 24,503,541 times
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if you have to ask this question to begin with, then something is wrong and you already know the answer to your question....

It is though good that your aware.....
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