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Old 03-11-2013, 09:38 AM
 
1,563 posts, read 1,606,707 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Copsgirl73 View Post
Its such a wierd dynamic being around her. She cant make any decision on her own and when you press her for her opinion its "doesnt matter to me" or "whatever you guys want to do". Going to visit the ILs for a few days makes my stomach turn almost. She always has to call several times before we get to their house asking "what do you want for dinner." "what do the kids eat?" "what should I buy from the store?" "I have errands to run, do you have a housekey?" (we have for over 5 years now). She is such a sweet lady and wonderful grandmother but being around her is so weird because she is so passive. I am a brutally honest and upfront person who doesnt sugarcoat, just like her son. And she watches me like a hawk, like I am going to steal something almost. Ugh. What is up with that?
For example, my husband just went to grab creamer for his coffee and grabbed the milk instead, which she noticed. She says "there is creamer in the fridge" and he says "thats ok, its fat free", well now she is all worried that she got the wrong kind and feels bad.
My MIL is very similiar and it can get annoying and definitely awkward after a while. I'm very straight forward too and sometimes I end up feeling like a jerk because my MIL is so passive and I'm not.
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Old 03-11-2013, 09:47 AM
 
1,563 posts, read 1,606,707 times
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To everyone that said the OP is mean, I don't think she is. Some people take others being honest and not sugar coating as mean. I don't. At least she is real. Her mother might just be trying to please her or she might be like mine. Mine puts on a "show" of trying to be super pleasing but always talks about EVERYONE behind their back. Before I married her son, I used to hear about her daughter's husbands "shortcomings." She acts all sweet, and passive but honestly she is not and I see through it. I put on my best fake smile, to match hers of course, but I still tell it like it is, just with a sweet tone and smile. LOL =)
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Old 03-11-2013, 10:06 AM
 
13,056 posts, read 17,615,040 times
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"my husband just went to grab creamer for his coffee" - this is something that might irritate me:>)
She seems to know that you are different and do not acept her ways. What do you really know about her and her relationships? She is excited to have family over, tries to accomodate everyone and it is still not right. Why do you not invite them and make sure everyone gets what they like? She has her comfort zone. So do you. Call her and ask for something specific for dinner. She will do her best.
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Old 03-11-2013, 10:12 AM
 
3,395 posts, read 3,335,563 times
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My MIL is similar to this. She is extremely sweet and always wants to make sure we are happy and comfortable.

I think the thing that makes me the most uncomfortable is that you never know what they REALLY think. It's unnerving. Mine told me that she hated her other DIL but never let it show. Well, how do I know you feel the same way about me????
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Old 03-11-2013, 11:02 AM
 
13,056 posts, read 17,615,040 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Book Lover 21 View Post
My MIL is similar to this. She is extremely sweet and always wants to make sure we are happy and comfortable.

I think the thing that makes me the most uncomfortable is that you never know what they REALLY think. It's unnerving. Mine told me that she hated her other DIL but never let it show. Well, how do I know you feel the same way about me????
Does it really matter?
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Old 03-11-2013, 11:32 AM
 
2,222 posts, read 9,428,275 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by anifani821 View Post
Oh my. The woman is simply trying to be gracious. Her behavior does not sound co-dependent at all. She may actually think you are the beeyotch from hell and she may very well also suspect you are very critical about her behind her back . . . and so she tries very very hard to please you and to try to do things that make you feel welcome and to show that she is not interested in being a difficult mother-in-law (especially if in her heart she dislikes your in-yer-face way of dealing with others).

I seriously doubt she has any problems at all making decisions, lol. She simply is trying to demonstrate how she wants to do things the way YOU want them done, b/c I can bet she is fully aware that you have an opinion on everything and everyone -- and probably have very specific things that turn you off or irritate you . . . so she is trying to avoid conflict by asking what YOU want to do, what YOU want to eat, where YOU want to go, etc.

I have a DIL who sounds much like you and we all walk on eggshells to avoid "setting her off" as she, like you, doesn't "sugar coat" and has no problem "speaking her mind." We are all overly solicitous b/c we don't know how to deal with her criticisms and opinions without getting into a knock down drag out -- so we figure -- just keep smiling and being very caring and gracious while the son and g/kids are on the premises . . . "we don't see them that often, so let's just all smile and endure and get through it."

The reason she says she "feels bad" and makes an issue out of such things as the creamer is b/c she figures the minute she walks out of the room, you are going to turn to your husband and criticize her. So she wants to say upfront that she "feels bad" so you won't be so apt to make a snarky remark, as you probably have done in the past, about products she buys, or how she stocks her fridge. You might be surprised how many times she has heard your criticisms and or seen you roll your eyes or smirk when you think she isn't watching. That is why she observes you so closely - she is just waiting for the next sign of disapproval, lololol.

Ever thought maybe others see you as being just as trying to be around as you see them?

Anifani... a beautifully written response. I tried to rep you but the system won't let me so I guess I need to spread the love around. This is exactly how I feel but could never express about one of my DIL's. Rolling eyes and snarky responses are the norm. We never are able to meet any of her expectations. The only way to get through it is to just smile and shut up, then move on.
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Old 03-11-2013, 03:14 PM
 
Location: Central Texas
20,375 posts, read 37,641,232 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by anifani821 View Post
Oh my. The woman is simply trying to be gracious. Her behavior does not sound co-dependent at all. She may actually think you are the beeyotch from hell and she may very well also suspect you are very critical about her behind her back . . . and so she tries very very hard to please you and to try to do things that make you feel welcome and to show that she is not interested in being a difficult mother-in-law (especially if in her heart she dislikes your in-yer-face way of dealing with others).

I seriously doubt she has any problems at all making decisions, lol. She simply is trying to demonstrate how she wants to do things the way YOU want them done, b/c I can bet she is fully aware that you have an opinion on everything and everyone -- and probably have very specific things that turn you off or irritate you . . . so she is trying to avoid conflict by asking what YOU want to do, what YOU want to eat, where YOU want to go, etc.

I have a DIL who sounds much like you and we all walk on eggshells to avoid "setting her off" as she, like you, doesn't "sugar coat" and has no problem "speaking her mind." We are all overly solicitous b/c we don't know how to deal with her criticisms and opinions without getting into a knock down drag out -- so we figure -- just keep smiling and being very caring and gracious while the son and g/kids are on the premises . . . "we don't see them that often, so let's just all smile and endure and get through it."

The reason she says she "feels bad" and makes an issue out of such things as the creamer is b/c she figures the minute she walks out of the room, you are going to turn to your husband and criticize her. So she wants to say upfront that she "feels bad" so you won't be so apt to make a snarky remark, as you probably have done in the past, about products she buys, or how she stocks her fridge. You might be surprised how many times she has heard your criticisms and or seen you roll your eyes or smirk when you think she isn't watching. That is why she observes you so closely - she is just waiting for the next sign of disapproval, lololol.

Ever thought maybe others see you as being just as trying to be around as you see them?
Wonderful. Expresses exactly what I was wondering, based on the OP.
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Old 03-11-2013, 04:05 PM
 
Location: The Greater Houston Metro Area
8,984 posts, read 14,605,628 times
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After reading all of this, I realize how much I love my own daughter-in-law.
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Old 03-11-2013, 04:06 PM
 
13,126 posts, read 20,661,751 times
Reputation: 35288
Quote:
Originally Posted by anifani821 View Post
Oh my. The woman is simply trying to be gracious. Her behavior does not sound co-dependent at all. She may actually think you are the beeyotch from hell and she may very well also suspect you are very critical about her behind her back . . . and so she tries very very hard to please you and to try to do things that make you feel welcome and to show that she is not interested in being a difficult mother-in-law (especially if in her heart she dislikes your in-yer-face way of dealing with others).

I seriously doubt she has any problems at all making decisions, lol. She simply is trying to demonstrate how she wants to do things the way YOU want them done, b/c I can bet she is fully aware that you have an opinion on everything and everyone -- and probably have very specific things that turn you off or irritate you . . . so she is trying to avoid conflict by asking what YOU want to do, what YOU want to eat, where YOU want to go, etc.

I have a DIL who sounds much like you and we all walk on eggshells to avoid "setting her off" as she, like you, doesn't "sugar coat" and has no problem "speaking her mind." We are all overly solicitous b/c we don't know how to deal with her criticisms and opinions without getting into a knock down drag out -- so we figure -- just keep smiling and being very caring and gracious while the son and g/kids are on the premises . . . "we don't see them that often, so let's just all smile and endure and get through it."

The reason she says she "feels bad" and makes an issue out of such things as the creamer is b/c she figures the minute she walks out of the room, you are going to turn to your husband and criticize her. So she wants to say upfront that she "feels bad" so you won't be so apt to make a snarky remark, as you probably have done in the past, about products she buys, or how she stocks her fridge. You might be surprised how many times she has heard your criticisms and or seen you roll your eyes or smirk when you think she isn't watching. That is why she observes you so closely - she is just waiting for the next sign of disapproval, lololol.

Ever thought maybe others see you as being just as trying to be around as you see them?
This is one of the best posts I have ever read on the MIL-DIL relationship. I am a MIL. My DIL hates me for some reason unknown to me. She hates me so much that I wasn't notified when my first grandchild was born. All I ever did to her was to say "no". As in "no" I am not willing to ask my other children to give up their holiday to spend it with your parents, who treated us all like crap during your wedding.

I wonder what it is that DILs expect from the mothers of the men they marry. I also wonder why a son would allow my current situation, but that's for another thread. When did DILs begin to rule the roost? Sorry, I'm a bit bitter right now.
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Old 03-11-2013, 04:13 PM
 
1,765 posts, read 2,426,226 times
Reputation: 1535
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mattie View Post
This is one of the best posts I have ever read on the MIL-DIL relationship. I am a MIL. My DIL hates me for some reason unknown to me. She hates me so much that I wasn't notified when my first grandchild was born. All I ever did to her was to say "no". As in "no" I am not willing to ask my other children to give up their holiday to spend it with your parents, who treated us all like crap during your wedding.

I wonder what it is that DILs expect from the mothers of the men they marry. I also wonder why a son would allow my current situation, but that's for another thread. When did DILs begin to rule the roost? Sorry, I'm a bit bitter right now.
When I think of MIL I think they just have to be respectful and hopefully welcoming of the person their kid married and vice versa. I don't think they really need to do anything else...just be tolerant.
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