Ugh my MIL is SO awkward and co-dependant (guilty, gatherings, dynamics)
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When I think of MIL I think they just have to be respectful and hopefully welcoming of the person their kid married and vice versa. I don't think they really need to do anything else...just be tolerant.
And, I was. She has never heard one critical word from me. As my son's choice, she was welcomed. I am just tired of the rap sent in the direction of MILs.
This is one of the best posts I have ever read on the MIL-DIL relationship. I am a MIL. My DIL hates me for some reason unknown to me. She hates me so much that I wasn't notified when my first grandchild was born. All I ever did to her was to say "no". As in "no" I am not willing to ask my other children to give up their holiday to spend it with your parents, who treated us all like crap during your wedding.
I wonder what it is that DILs expect from the mothers of the men they marry. I also wonder why a son would allow my current situation, but that's for another thread. When did DILs begin to rule the roost? Sorry, I'm a bit bitter right now.
Right here is one DIL that doesn't rule the roost. I revere my MIL, although I wish she had more of a backbone and self-esteem, she certainly deserves it. But I salute her for doing a fine job raising my husband.
Oh Mattie, your issue with your DIL leading up to the wedding was one of the most fascinating threads ever. I was sincerely hooked. (Not to trivialize your life like a soap opera). I just know that I will be facing issues like that some day, so I was intrigued.
You really should start a new thread and give an update.
And, I was. She has never heard one critical word from me. As my son's choice, she was welcomed. I am just tired of the rap sent in the direction of MILs.
I was empathizing with your situation. I can't imagine not informing my sweetie's mom of good news in our life like the birth of our first born. I don't even think he'd allow it. And I can't imagine him telling me not to tell my mother either. That's a no-no. We both love and respect our mothers too much.
I can't speak for your DIL, but I know some women think that after they get married to the first born or whatever else that they now have control over whatever else is going on in the son's life and mothers need to completely get out the car (not even take a backseat). I have no negative feelings towards MILs. I always figured whoever I married, their family would be welcoming and respectful of me and me equally welcoming and respectful of them. So that's how I proceed.
Oh Mattie, your issue with your DIL leading up to the wedding was one of the most fascinating threads ever. I was sincerely hooked. (Not to trivialize your life like a soap opera). I just know that I will be facing issues like that some day, so I was intrigued.
You really should start a new thread and give an update.
Sounds to me like she's been bullied and the people around her are quick to tell her what she does wrong or doesn't do for them. I bet she rarely gets praise.
My DIL has the passive aggressive trait and I put up with it for just two visits. I calmly reminded her that I am not a mind reader and so since we've only known each other for a short period of time, I don't know what she means sometimes.
Why don't you try complimenting her? Sometimes people hide behind the "out spoken personality" title when if reality it's just being inconsiderate of others.
After reading all of this, I realize how much I love my own daughter-in-law.
I am quoting myself because I just realized something, as I was reading the new posts on this thread: my own MIL was fabulous - I had such a good example. She has passed away now, but still miss her (and her son and I were divorced, but she still stayed the same).
I am quoting myself because I just realized something, as I was reading the new posts on this thread: my own MIL was fabulous - I had such a good example. She has passed away now, but still miss her (and her son and I were divorced, but she still stayed the same).
How nice. When I first started having problems with my MIL, I would call my mom up for advice. She would tell me that I was being sensitive or maybe I didnt fully understand my MIL's personality. I think my mom didnt understand because she had an incredible bond with her MIL (my grandmother). She said as soon as she started dating my dad, my grandmother welcomed my mom into the family with open arms. After my parents married my mom and grandmother would go out on sunday's to get lunch and spent time together. My dad was a deadbeat son and my mother was the one that sat at my grandmother's death bed. When the doctors screwed up and removed my grandmother's breast by mistake (they thought she had cancer and then realized she didnt) my grandmother made my mother promise that she be buried with a bra on because she felt so much shame on the botched medical care. My mom said she was so angry when my grandmother passed away she wanted to sue but my dad refused. My mom still gets emotional about how much she misses her MIL and will tell me often how I have similar personality traits of my grandmother. So that was my mom's experience. When I needed someone to vent to, my mom would try to understand what could be wrong with the relationship I had with my MIL. Thennnn she started spending more time around my MIL after my son was born. My mom couldn't believe the behavior and then started to get ticked off by the things my MIL said to me. It makes me sad that I couldnt have a relationship like my mom had with my grandmother.
I do think that MILs get a bad rap because I do think its a two way street. My brother's wife is an awful DIL. She treats my mom like crap and get super defensive over nothing. My mom is not the type to butt into any of our marriages and walks on egg shells around my SIL. It pisses me off. I think that there are women out there that are simply insecure and have hateful personalities. My mom sometimes will call me up and tell me about a situation she had with my SIL and ask me where she might have done something wrong. My brother is oblivious and it makes me mad he doesnt step in. With some people, no matter what you do, they will find fault. Sheesh, give me a person that wants to try! So like I said, I would trade MIL's with the OP any day!
She doesn't sound awkward to me, she sounds like she is suffering from empty-nest sydrome perhaps and maybe a little loneliness. She's a caretaker, obviously, and has probably spent her whole adult life (I'm assuming here...) playing that role. She's still trying her best to make sure everybody around her is happy and cared for and in the process she's making you feel uncomfortable, because it can feel a bit smothering to be an adult around a person like that. You can't control her behavior, of course, but you can work on yourself and how you respond to her behaviors. You're lucky to have such a caring person in your life - not everyone is so fortunate. My advice would be to focus on her positive traits and celebrate them - and her - while you can. And also, maybe try to help her branch out a bit and get a hobby or do some volunteer work that will allow her to focus her caretaker energies into doing good somewhere. There are plenty of non-profits that need help. Or, perhaps a puppy? Maybe try to guide her into a situation where her need to mother and comfort and provide matches up with those who need mothering, comfort, or guidance. The public schools are always needing volunteers, too. Our local elementary has a lot of grandma's who volunteer - they are awesome!
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