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Old 03-13-2013, 08:16 PM
 
Location: Dunwoody,GA
1,991 posts, read 4,748,600 times
Reputation: 2241

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Wow. If there was ever a person in the world who deserved to be pissed as hell, it would be you. Having said that, I honestly feel that you need to be 100% selfish in this situation. Look out for yourself. I don't know if you're feeling guilty about partially looking forward to the relief that your mother's impending passing will bring, but don't feel bad. She failed you and he is a criminal.

I would never presume to say that you should "forgive," but I do believe one thing that Oprah said about forgiveness:

“Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different...Forgiveness doesn't mean you condone the behavior or, in any way, make a wrong right. It just means you give yourself permission to release from your past -- and step forward with the mud of resentment cleared from your wings. Fly!"

There's a lot of truth there. You can't change it. All you can do is take care of yourself. Keep seeing your therapist and do the work you need to do at your pace.

Hugs and best wishes to you. I hope that this chapter of your life can be closed soon so that you can move forward without any feelings of guilt.
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Old 03-13-2013, 09:02 PM
 
Location: Corona
10,060 posts, read 13,948,595 times
Reputation: 8887
I am so sorry wow. Having grown up in an abusive, neglectful house I can empathize. I would probably walk out on her. I cut off ties with my Dad last year. He has done some really rotten things that don't deserve to be forgiven. I realized I don't miss talking to him much at all.

Your Mom doesn't deserve forgiveness or the pearly gates if they exist.
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Old 03-13-2013, 10:00 PM
 
Location: Syracuse IS Central New York.
8,516 posts, read 3,940,031 times
Reputation: 4021
I am rarely at a loss for words, but this is one of those rare times.

So for the OP, hugs, heaps and heaps of hugs. You are an amazingly strong person.

Peace to you...
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Old 03-13-2013, 10:15 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,884 posts, read 17,196,676 times
Reputation: 40782
I am so sorry. I wish you the very best.
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Old 03-13-2013, 10:33 PM
 
Location: Out West
22,563 posts, read 16,717,234 times
Reputation: 26120
OP...reading this made me feel sick. I mean, literally, it made me feel nauseous.

I DO have some experience with this kind of person...very unfortunately.

All you can do is continue to seek therapy.

If you ever decided to pursue any criminal charges, you better be pretty dang strong because it is going to bring up a whole mess of stuff...yes, perhaps worse than what you remember and were told. So, think long and hard and know that you're strong when it comes time to that, if you decide to do that. And frankly, had I the opportunity to get that b**tard for everything he did, I would. The reason is, he did more to others. That's what I mean about, "a whole mess of stuff", if you ever decide to go that route. Maybe he only did things to you...but I seriously doubt it.

As for your mother...if you are religious, you might also wish to speak to your...pastor? Is it pastor for Catholics? Speak to someone there and ask them for guidance to help you deal with actually learning how to forgive and let go. She will be handled for the things she's done. This is only if you are religious.

If you are not...you should still learn how to let go...but that is going to take a long time and it won't be easy. I will not lie to you, it will be extremely difficult. However, for YOU, you must do this. Do not let them continue to have any kind of power over you OR your emotions. They do not deserve that power. Not even in the slightest.

(All of this is far, far, far easier said than done...trust me, I DO know.)

I might even up the therapy sessions because this is a hell of a lot to have smack you in the face all at once.

Finally, I'm deeply sorry that you ever had to go through such a thing and that you had to "re learn" what happened. No child should ever have to experience that or anything like it. I'm so sorry for you.
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Old 03-14-2013, 12:00 AM
 
Location: State of Being
35,885 posts, read 67,009,663 times
Reputation: 22370
Well, now you know why your mother was so insistent that you make the trip. She wanted absolution but it appears she wants it without having to ask forgiveness or even making a real confession.

It seems you have a very clear understanding of how you fit into the family dynamic. At least you have that: no more puzzlement over why you were treated the way you have been. I am aghast at what happened to you and equally stunned that your mother did nothing to protect you. I am not, however, surprised about how you were treated afterwards: you were a reminder of the wrong-doing. Sick, but twisted people are capable of thinking in that unimaginable fashion.

You are a survivor. That is what you must think about at this point -- you are not a victim, but a survivor. That little girl survived and flourished, despite the heinous acts and years of physical and emotional abuse.

I know how terribly painful all these horrible revelations have doubtless been. You asked where do you go from here . . . if I were in your situation, I think I would mark these days -- and your mother's eventual death -- as a release from psychological bondage. You never could quite figure out the "whys" of how you have been treated, but now you have been given the key. As your mother is freed from this earthly body, so you are freed from the bondage of secrets, lies and dysfunction that have overshadowed your relationship with her.

Honestly, having her leave this plane of existence would be a huge relief to me if she were my mother -- as in -- "end of an era." You will surely feel many emotions as you work to sort out how you feel about your mother. Just promise me you won't get caught up in the trap that so many find themselves in when it comes to end of life issues with a parent. You do NOT owe your mother ANYTHING, including forgiveness. She chose this "last minute" encounter to reveal what should have been addressed decades ago, knowing full well it would relieve her of having to actually deal with the fallout, since she is going to die. That was pretty damn calculating, in my book.

There will be plenty of time in the future to sort out all your conflicting emotions, but no matter what . . . you do not owe anything to your mother, including (and most especially) a WAY OUT from accountability for the decisions she made. In other words, it won't make you a "bad person" if you say absolutely nothing should she flat out ask for your forgiveness, even though I feel certain she won't.

Sending big hugs and white light. This bedside vigil will be over soon . . .
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Old 03-14-2013, 12:22 AM
 
10,803 posts, read 8,014,824 times
Reputation: 16980
Quote:
Originally Posted by confusedasusual View Post
I came to see her to care for her and help make her final days comfortable. Now I am convinced I am here to witness justice. She is fading fast and scared of a judgement that she really believes in. I am comporting myself with a kindness and grace I don't feel-- I don't even know where it is coming from-its almost as though I am getting some kind of supernatural assistance--because I understand that the universe is taking care of things for me. But holy crap-- this is so much more awful than anything I could have ever imagined. Where the hell do I go from here?
Several years ago, my mom gave a shocking deathbed confession to my sibling and me. It was different from your situation in that it had nothing to do with us, but it was nonetheless hair-raising; she confessed to a major felony. To say we were stunned is an understatement. There are no words.

My sibling and I had enough to deal with in terms of our own emotional repercussions. We simply were not equipped to respond to and handle Mom's.
In retrospect, we wish we had immediately called in a clergy person (i.e. Mom's minister) to hear the confession. Mom wanted and needed absolution, that was between her and her God.
So my advice to anyone gobsmacked by a loved one's deathbed confession is to tell them, "I'm sorry, I can't deal with this, I'm going to call in someone who can", and then contact either a clergy person or a social worker to hear the confession. Both professions are used to dealing with emergency emotional situations.
Is your mom under hospice care? If so, they usually provide immediate access to a social worker or counselor.
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Old 03-14-2013, 12:45 AM
 
Location: Mid-Atlantic
24,737 posts, read 23,704,984 times
Reputation: 30454
Quote:
Originally Posted by confusedasusual View Post
I came to see her to care for her and help make her final days comfortable. Now I am convinced I am here to witness justice. She is fading fast and scared of a judgement that she really believes in. I am comporting myself with a kindness and grace I don't feel-- I don't even know where it is coming from-its almost as though I am getting some kind of supernatural assistance--because I understand that the universe is taking care of things for me. But holy crap-- this is so much more awful than anything I could have ever imagined. Where the hell do I go from here?
Right now, you need to do what feels comfortable (enough) or seems the right thing (for you) to do. If you feel the need to visit or care for her, that is the correct choice. If you choose to never see her again, that is the right choice.

I'm happy to hear that you're seeing a therapist. When your mother passes, I suspect that you will feel a tremendous amount of rage. You will have lost the opportunity to discuss or vent (to her) about her unconscionable behavior.

Later today or tomorrow tell her exactly what you think of her. She doesn't have to be conscious - just say it. Crack the silence with the truth and the sound of your own voice. Say it now, before it's too late.

I'll cut it short but, I was the only witness to my mother-in-law's death. Mom was sent home from hospice care to die, except she didn't die - for weeks! My husband and I were on night watch one evening after her mother and daughter went home, her husband had gone to try to get some sleep. My husband (her son) had dozed off in a recliner. I went over to her hospital bed in the living room, spoke to her for about five minutes. She was on a lot of pain meds and appeared to be conscience. I told her that it was OK to move on, that we were all visiting, hanging around until she passed. She coded five minutes later. We never really got along and I sometimes wondered if a member of the family thought that I might have done something to her. I think that maybe she heard what I had said.

If you have anything to your mother, say it now.
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Old 03-14-2013, 04:14 AM
 
Location: Florida
19,660 posts, read 19,768,059 times
Reputation: 22974
If there is one good thing about this horrible circumstance it is that you now have what has most likely been the most important missing piece to the puzzle of why you have needed to be in therapy to begin with.
My hope for you is that it helps you heal completely and allows you to become even more of the wonderful person you appear to be.
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Old 03-14-2013, 05:27 AM
 
Location: Oxford, England
13,036 posts, read 21,972,544 times
Reputation: 19887
I can't even imagine what it would be like to experience such horrors. First as a child and then to in a way "relive" it all by having it brought back to mind. What an evil Mother.

I cannot even comprehend how anyone would still want to have anything to do with their Mother afterwards. Dying or not. A Parent's prime job is to keep their children safe and for a Mother to allow such violence and abuse is beyond me no matter how abused you might be yourself to be honest. What you might tolerate done to yourself you should never tolerate done to your child.

My other immediate thought is how many more kids this monster has gone on to abuse because he was never accused and charged of abuse and violent behaviour. And how many more will have to suffer because it might be too painful to take legal action against Him. I don't think I could live with the knowledge that this bastard went on to do the same to other children.

I'm afraid that no matter how difficult the process might be I think legal action is the only recourse IMO, for peace of mind that staying silent will not lead to more such horrendous stories. The OP's Mother is not only responsible for her own children's abuse by being willing to stand by but quite possibly has allowed it to carry on by doing nothing.

And I suspect she was only open and forthcoming about it to make herself feel better, cleansed and her guilt assuaged by confession. How despicable.

Therapy is certainly something which might help but in cases of sexual and physical abuse legal recourse to me is something that is crucial, to ensure justice for yourself and any other victims of this debased, depraved piece of excrement and to ensure it cannot happen again.

And I thought my Parents were pretty bad at parenting... This kind of story makes you think about how lucky you are.

I cannot even express how sorry and profoundly upset this story is. And how angry it makes me.

I know I would want to leave my Mother to die alone and would certainly need to face my father to feel some sense of "closure". The Mother was an accomplice basically, a facilitator. She allowed it happen and no matter what the reasons were she is guilty in part of those horrendous crimes.


I volunteered in a woman's shelter in my late Teens and more often than not the trigger for women to leave or stand up to their abusive husbands was when he crossed that line and the children were at risk or being abused.

Women who had gone through sheer hell and were battered emotionally as well as physically realising that this picture was bigger than them and that they HAD to find the strength to leave.

Because as an adult you might be willing to put up with assault on yourself but when someone who is vulnerable and depends on you you simply HAVE to stand up and be counted.

I am pretty liberal but when it comes to child abuse I cannot help but feel a long painful drawn out death seems quite justified.

People like this so called father should have to pay for their crimes, and a serious crime of the most horrific nature too.

Paedophiles go on abusing, it is a recidivist crime. People have to know, the police has to be told. This is so serious, so heinous in its nature and potentially so dangerous that sadly no matter how traumatised one is and one wishes to just try and move on it has to be addressed.

How can you move on anyway knowing that piece of turd is still alive and doing to same to someone else ?
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