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Old 03-15-2013, 08:21 AM
 
Location: Oxford, England
13,036 posts, read 21,976,330 times
Reputation: 19889

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Quote:
Originally Posted by anifani821 View Post
I think you misunderstood my post. I said RIGHT NOW - this is a side issue RIGHT NOW. For the next days, while working with her therapist and processing this info, the most important thing is her own mental and emotional health, which OP has also stated she fully recognizes.

I was not downplaying the recidivistic nature of pedophiles nor was I saying "forget about it." OP has to get through the many emotions and difficulties with dealing with all she has discovered RIGHT NOW. What she decides to do about such things as forgiveness and contacting others about her father's abuse is not where the emphasis needs to be right now. She can't be focusing on saving the world -- she is lucky to have the strength on focusing how to survive reliving/learning about her own abuse first. That's all. No one is trying to protect her abuser and no one is advocating that he should not be held accountable.

I apologise if I misunderstood your post and I completely agree with you. She has to come to terms with it and I cannot even imagine how you do that after such a monstrous revelation.

I think the OP must be incredibly brave and super balanced considering her well thought out and gogent posts.

I am not sure I would have that fortitude and strength of spirit. I suspect my first thought would have been to kill my mother truth be told. Or at least make her last moments on earth an absolute misery.

She will hopefully find support and comfort from either therapy, friends or family members and be able to deal with it in a way which will enable her to "move on" and she must do what is best for her. Such a shock to the system cannot be fixed easily I suspect and it will be a complex process.

The Mother is almost as guilty as the "father" IMO and is probably responsible for the abuse of children by her selfish silence and I feel so angry when I hear such stories. I actually feel rage towards not just the perpetrator but the enabler too.

What woman worthy of the name allows their child to be abused in such an evil manner and allows the culprit to go on doing it to yet more victims ? How depaved, how monstrous, how evil and morally repugnant.

I don't have kids but I know that if I found out my Husband was abusing children I would not just kick him out of the house, I would call the police that is if I managed to stop myself from doing something unspeakable to him first. And I am not exactly the maternal type either.

There is also something so evil about disclosing it now, adding to the burden for her daughter, not an act of honesty and contrition but an act of pure selfishness of seeking redemption towards the end of her sorry miserable life. To mention something like that and not even show remorse is beyond nasty.


My parents were no prize but this kind of story makes you want to rage against the world and give some people a good beating.


All the very best to the OP though, she deserves better, she is a strong, and brave woman and better than I would ever be. I have nothing but admiration for people like her.

May she find peace and take back the life that was stolen from her.
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Old 03-15-2013, 11:19 AM
 
102 posts, read 184,304 times
Reputation: 150
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mooseketeer View Post
I still think he authorities have to be informed. It needs to be put on record if nothing else. As I said Paedophilia is a recidivist crime and it is more than likely the OP's "father" has already gone on to abuse others and will carry on doing so until he is stopped. And I know I could never have that on my conscience. To know there is such a risk and other children might be abused because I said nothing is not something I personally could live with.

Anyone who commits this kind of horrendous, heinous and depraved acts is unlikely to do it as a one off.

The Police has to be informed. What happens to the abuser might be a side issue to you, but how about what happens to his current or future victims ? How many more lives have to be destroyed before he is stopped ?

This is not like finding out your father robbed a bank ( which would be serious enough). This is finding out your father is a sociopathic violent monster of an abuser. Someone who should be taken off the streets for good. Some kids out there are at risk of enduring the same kind of ordeal and abuse.

She has no proof .
1) She herself does not recall the specifics of the event.
2) There as not even a witness to her mothers confession to her.
3) She has no hospital staff of that time to back up her claim suppoting her claim.
4) No other victims have been discussed or presented

All she has is what she heard in deathbed ramblings from a comatose mother even the op herself is not 100 percent sure.

If her mother is telling the truth then all the posts on this thread share the same sentiment of empathy for the original poster's circumstance . In fact the OP is even further victimized by her mom disclosing this to her now in the manner in which she did .

If the mother is lying NOW then she has victimized her daughter in a different way . The havoc created is some type of afterlife drama of conflict left behind in her absense.

The mother has refused all along to stand up to exposing the truth and is still doing so.
If the OP goes to the authorities with no proof then even the validity of her claim is up for question .
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Old 03-15-2013, 11:29 AM
 
Location: In the city
1,581 posts, read 3,273,180 times
Reputation: 2357
I plan to try and get the medical record, if it still exists. I have accounts from several family members that they recall my going to the hospital for a vaginal injury, and it is clear that several versions of the story was told.
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Old 03-15-2013, 11:42 AM
 
Location: Penna
726 posts, read 1,006,877 times
Reputation: 1259
I was also abused as a child and like you I held my mother in greater contempt then my step-brother who committed the molestation and later rapes.

I have tried to put it all behind me, but, the only way was to remove myself from ALL of my family, because like you, I was scapegoated into being something I'm not.

I am much happier now and have forgiven "myself" for not doing enough to bring this to some sort of public conclusion. As for them perhaps forgivenness will come over time, I can't, in truth, say it is so.

I send my prayers up to you for healing to come.
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Old 03-15-2013, 12:29 PM
 
102 posts, read 184,304 times
Reputation: 150
Quote:
Originally Posted by confusedasusual View Post
I plan to try and get the medical record, if it still exists. I have accounts from several family members that they recall my going to the hospital for a vaginal injury, and it is clear that several versions of the story was told.
This is where legal advice from an attorney is suggested. If the events happened as you describe did the medical staff cover it up too ? I am not an attorney . I don't know how malpractice works but its hard to imagine that someone did not know and all it takes is one person to roll on the others .

Here's another snag -- Can you sue her estate for damages ? You mention that your siblings have authority on the trust and where you have to seek their permission . At this time they seem to back you but can that change when their money is involved ? Would you feel even further traumatized facing all of this ? Imagine if they paint you as the greedy sibling making unsubstantiated claims in an effort to ruin lives and profit (when all along it was you who was the victim) .

Can your siblings simply release you from your share of the trust and free you from their involvement ?
These are all things to ask to an attorney.

I realize that these events happend many years ago but right now it may seen fresh as you just learned it . You still don't have all the pieces and I wonder if its simply better to move on and take care of you .

The greatest satisfaction one can have overcoming an abusive relationship is remove himself from the toxic person and live happy . In the end you may end up alone (without mom , siblings. etc) but you can have peace . It begins with standing in yoir truth every time you look at yourself in the mirror and find happiness in your strength to have overcome this.

Good luck.
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Old 03-15-2013, 01:48 PM
 
Location: Montreal, Quebec
15,087 posts, read 11,976,322 times
Reputation: 9708
Quote:
I believe that your father was not the only party accountable . Your mother actively participated in covering this up and failed to protect her child . It's heartwrenching to read . Even at present on her deathbead it sounds like she is not ready to confess this openly and is merely doing so for her own selfish peace of mind . In short .. she hasn't changed . It's all about her needs !!!!
Of course she hasn't changed. If she had, she wouldn't be spending all her money on her boyfriend, but paying for therapy for each one of her daughters.
Our chilhood experiences shape who we are as adults. If one grows up in an atmosphere of denigration, belittlement and abuse, those scars remain for a lifetime. I you can't count on the one person in this world who should protect you, you grow up feeling you're not worth protecting.
If it was my husband, I would take a page from Dorothy Claibourne and see that the SOB fell into an abandoned well. After taking out a hefty life insurance policy.

Last edited by weltschmerz; 03-15-2013 at 03:13 PM..
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Old 03-15-2013, 02:33 PM
 
Location: Aiken, South Carolina, US of A
1,765 posts, read 3,836,794 times
Reputation: 3563
Confused,
I hope you get to read this.
TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF now.
The only thing that matters is that you see your therapist
and take care of yourself. Self preservation. Just keep telling
yourself that.
Your mom will die and it will end for her.
Don't have contact with anyone at all unless you really
want it.
I'm sure you love your sisters, they love you too, stay
close to them after you look out for yourself.
You are fragile right now and should do nothing more than
therapy.
Remember, parents are people too, not infalible, and we don't
ask to be born to them, we don't get to pick them ahead of time.
It's alright to be angry, but try not to dwell on the anger. It will go away and turn
into other feelings.
I know how you feel right now, that is all I am going to say, I found out a
horrible family secret after my mom died, and it takes a while.
But you will be fine in the end, because you are a wonderful person
and sometimes life is bumpy.
Hugs thru computer to you!
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Old 03-15-2013, 03:15 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,899 posts, read 17,209,728 times
Reputation: 40830
Quote:
Originally Posted by Inkpoe View Post
I grew up with people who have similar horrid experiences. But never with one whose parent tolerated and then make the child suffer more. Just wow, what a devastating story.


With that said, I don't know if you or your sisters have POA or not, but make sure to protect yourself from your mother's boyfriend (changing locks to home, blocking bank access, et. c). Definitely tell everyone about your Dad. The odds are he's done it to others. He might have some more recent victims, and this could possibly give them strength to stand up.

As for your mother in her deathbed... I don't know. Is it more for you or for her?
First of all I want to send you hug after hug after hug. This is a very difficult time for you and I wish you well.

I know that this is not your top priority right now but I was also concerned about your mother's boyfriend. You mentioned that your mother was "hiding" $100,000 of his money from his wife. What if he claims that ALL of the money in ALL of her accounts belongs to him? Is he a co-signer on her bank and charge accounts? You also said that she was storing/hiding many items of value in her house for him. What if he claims that everything of value actually belongs to him?

Sorry to give you something else to worry about but it is something to consider.

I want to send you warm wishes and additional courage to face all that lies ahead.
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Old 03-15-2013, 04:08 PM
 
3,395 posts, read 3,342,005 times
Reputation: 9264
Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626 View Post
First of all I want to send you hug after hug after hug. This is a very difficult time for you and I wish you well.

I know that this is not your top priority right now but I was also concerned about your mother's boyfriend. You mentioned that your mother was "hiding" $100,000 of his money from his wife. What if he claims that ALL of the money in ALL of her accounts belongs to him? Is he a co-signer on her bank and charge accounts? You also said that she was storing/hiding many items of value in her house for him. What if he claims that everything of value actually belongs to him?

Sorry to give you something else to worry about but it is something to consider.

I want to send you warm wishes and additional courage to face all that lies ahead.
If she is "hiding" the $100,000 in her account so that he can evade alimony or child support payments, that will cause him problems if he tries to claim it after her death.

Estate hearing "Yes, your honor, I was evading spousal support payments and I thought it would be a good idea to put $100k in my girlfriend's account for this purpose. That money is mine..."
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Old 03-15-2013, 04:26 PM
 
16,025 posts, read 19,580,121 times
Reputation: 26195
Quote:
Originally Posted by confusedasusual View Post
I have no interest in speaking to my father or pursuing a legal case against him. He has no assets as he filed for bankruptcy in order to avoid paying back creditors. He has over the years, exhibited small criminalities that many have witnessed-- shoplifting and stealing larger items, identity theft, refusal to pay back loans, etc. I am no longer sure what he is capable of, nor do I want the trauma of going through a court battle where the evidence is over 30 years old. I used to volunteer for a rape crisis center and know the reality of prosecuting a sex crime case, especially so far after the fact when there is no longer any physical evidence.

I am planning to inform his place of work, his family, the rest of my family and anyone else who has contact with him that I have access to, about what happened. My sister is my witness and she also says that she has a very early memory of being inappropriately touched by my dad.

I am sorry, I have no sympathy for my mother carrying this "terrible burden." Even on her deathbed she has not apologized or expressed regret that this has happened. She has continued to display the same lack or regard for my sisters and I that she always has, and has continued to treat us as though we are far less important than the men in her life. She saved a considerable sum for retirement and was using the money to purchase a vacation home and land for her boyfriend (who is still married). She bought him a motorcycle, riding lawn mower, let him "store" 100K in her bank account to hide it from his wife and her basement is full of his guitars and personal items, also being hidden from his wife. She has NEVER purchased anything at this level of value for any of her children, never allowed us to stay with her even when we had nowhere to go or store our things at her house. Her only regret? That she has to give up her life "just when I was going to have fun because I had some money saved." Its sickening.

My sisters and I agree that as soon as she goes, we will be free of a lot of this. We are still doing our duty, taking care of her and treating her with a level of compassion she does not deserve, but we are counting down the days. She is holding on because she fears the judgment that may await her.
I would inform that man's wife of the assets, that's what I would do. And, the 100,000 which of you is POA....He'd play hell getting that back. You may not get peace over what your father and mother have done in the past and present...But doing the right thing about the other wife would be a start IMO
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