Welcome to City-Data.com Forum!
U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Non-Romantic Relationships
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
 
Old 04-05-2013, 09:08 PM
 
Location: Planet Earth
2,776 posts, read 3,040,090 times
Reputation: 5022

Advertisements

Quote:
Originally Posted by confusedasusual View Post
My mom is dying. She is Catholic and very worried about going to hell. We couldn't figure out why this paranoia-- she wasn't a great parent, but she is well loved by her coworkers and friends, kind to animals, etc. Little did we know...

She recently acknowledged that she had allowed our father (I have two sisters) to sexually molest me at the age of 2.5 and covered it up so that "he wouldn't leave." During my current deathwatch vigil, my sisters and I came across some family pics that jogged my memory of a time I had been hospitalized at a very young age. My older sister recalled details that I had hurt myself vaginally by "doing a split." My little sister said that my father told her repeatedly that I had impaled myself on a bedpost and that I had to be "sewn up so that she would be a virgin." I should add that my older sister is a labor and delivery nurse and stated that it was impossible to sustain such an internal injury from doing a split. Also, we did not have any bedposts in the house at the time this happened (I was in a crib, my sister was in a cot, and my parents had no head nor footboard.)

Feeling sick about these different stories, I asked my mother (gently as she is in and out of a comatose state) if there was a time when my father had hurt me. She didn't even ask for clarification. She said that he had abused me so badly that I had to go to the emergency room and be repaired, and that she lied to everyone so that he wouldn't leave her and go to jail. My father used to beat me senseless when I was tiny-- so badly that he broke my jaw when I was three and I passed out on more than one occasion. I really think (and my sisters agree) that he was trying to kill me to cover up the evidence. I also remember changing my underwear all the time and getting yelled at for it, pain when I was using the potty, etc.

She did not ask for forgiveness, and immediately started asking us about her current boyfriend who was supposed to visit that day. I don't even have words for how upset I am about this. I have a therapist I have been seeing for a while and have scheduled time with her, so I am definitely trying to get help. I am so outraged I can't adequately express it. All my life I was branded the loser, the druggie ( I never did drugs), the **** (I was a virgin until I was 18), damaged goods. I am healthy, with a good job, respected and loved by my friends and sisters, independent, etc. I never understood why I was the family criminal. I got straight As. I was the most attractive person in the family (objectively) but I was always called ugly. I cut off ties with my mom except for a phone call now and then when I left home because it was so clear that she disliked and rejected me. Now it is clear why. Even to this day-- she set up a trust for my sisters and I. I am the ONLY one who has to get both of my sister's permission to use my share of the trust. NOTHING in my life would indicate that I was not responsible with my money and yet, she is still trying to perpetuate the idea that I am a loser, tainted, wrong and needing to be supervised.

I came to see her to care for her and help make her final days comfortable. Now I am convinced I am here to witness justice. She is fading fast and scared of a judgement that she really believes in. I am comporting myself with a kindness and grace I don't feel-- I don't even know where it is coming from-its almost as though I am getting some kind of supernatural assistance--because I understand that the universe is taking care of things for me. But holy crap-- this is so much more awful than anything I could have ever imagined. Where the hell do I go from here?
You are not bad, you did not do anything wrong.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 04-05-2013, 09:21 PM
 
Location: Planet Earth
2,776 posts, read 3,040,090 times
Reputation: 5022
Whether the confusedasnormal forgives or not, is none of your business. .

Last edited by FlowerPower00; 04-05-2013 at 09:31 PM..
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-05-2013, 11:46 PM
 
Location: earth?
7,284 posts, read 12,884,043 times
Reputation: 8956
I don't know if you have time or the psychic space or desire to do this before your mother passes, but it might be helpful to write her a letter (and don't send it) - and read it out loud to "her" via proxy - just acting it out, basically. That way you can express your feelings before she "goes." It might help you process the betrayal and anger.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-06-2013, 03:36 AM
 
26,143 posts, read 19,718,752 times
Reputation: 17241
I am so sorry confusedasnormal,i have PMed you about this....

Quote:
Originally Posted by Book Lover 21
You should have her make a statement and get it notarized in case you want to pursue a case against him.
I dunno if after all this time if they would even listen........ This is incredibly sad

Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-06-2013, 03:53 AM
 
977 posts, read 1,105,975 times
Reputation: 1927
I just read thru this entire thread.....I am so very sorry for all the trama you have had to endure. I was abused by more than one male when i was a child....my mother also denied it to herself, but I did not go thru the horrible things that happened to you. You amaze me with your recovery, your strength, your compassion and more. Thank you for sharing this. I send love and hugs and wishes for total healing for you and your sisters.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-06-2013, 07:47 AM
 
Location: Western Washington
8,003 posts, read 11,689,977 times
Reputation: 19539
((((((((CONFUSED))))))))) Big hugs to you. I am so sorry for all you've been through. I'm so glad that you chose to post here. Know that you are in the hearts and prayers of many. Please know that I am praying for you ALL in this situation and also praying that your mother passes soon. Clearly, there are some more issues which need to be dealt with, unsaid things which must be said. You all need to get them said before she passes....and so that she CAN pass. Bless you ...
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-06-2013, 08:39 AM
 
26,143 posts, read 19,718,752 times
Reputation: 17241
Sometimes it does help to post things like this because YOU CAN THEN SEE HOW MUCH PEOPLE CARE

I would love giving her a BIG HUG which i am sure she needs right now!!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-06-2013, 08:48 AM
 
Location: Western Washington
8,003 posts, read 11,689,977 times
Reputation: 19539
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dude111 View Post
Sometimes it does help to post things like this because YOU CAN THEN SEE HOW MUCH PEOPLE CARE

I would love giving her a BIG HUG which i am sure she needs right now!!
I agree, Dude. Also, you know....therapists can help, but sometimes....it also helps to share this type of situation with others, because others have BEEN in this place. Unless a therapist has actually suffered the same things as their patient/client, they can NOT truly understand what that person is going through. Sometimes, it helps to have someone who's been there and can share how they got through it. Sometimes it helps, just knowing that others HAVE survived and moved on with their lives.

Sounds to me like confused never got enough hugs...and yes, certainly needs plenty to make up for that!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-06-2013, 10:11 AM
 
Location: In the city
1,581 posts, read 3,840,710 times
Reputation: 2417
All:

I kind of hit a wall last night.

My little sister and I had a good long talk yesterday about how she is feeling, how frustrated she is, and how she just wants this to end. I think it was helpful to her.

During the talk, however, she criticized some small things I did (using a knife and not putting it away immediately when I was making breakfast). Though we spent over an hour talking, I found that this rankled me much more than warranted. In my house growing up there was absolutely no room for error. One had to be perfectly neat, on time, dressed properly, etc., at all times . When we got our periods, we had to wrap up the used items in such a way that no one would know what they were and bury them at the bottom of the can. When we vacuumed the carpet, we had to do it in a certain way so that the rug's pile would form a fan-shaped pattern. Any violation would result in an intense, embarassing, anxiety-producing scolding and punishment. I was pretty much always the recipient of these punishments. I was always blindsided because I tried my best to do what I was asked. My sister's insistence on keeping these standards is an effort to prevent my mom from freaking out, but as an adult woman, I would handle this differently.

So while I heard her out and we certainly explored a lot more pertinent topics than the knife being put away, I found myself turning this over and over again in my mind afterward. It dredged up a lot of anger and feelings of hopelessness-- that we are still catering to these impossible whims in order to appease my mother, and that my little sister is still "going along to get along" in a very evil and dysfunctional environment. The fact that I was being asked to subscribe to this as well, to keep the peace, made me feel like I was back in a seven year old body, and that I was being found completely lacking.

I tried to talk to a friend after everyone had gone to bed, and just sort of lost it. My friend has some potentially serious issues going on, and I just didn't have anything left to listen or provide the comfort and support I normally would. I felt empty and completely bereft, absolutely exhausted. I had this realization that no matter how far I have come in my life, there is still so much more work to do, and I have no idea how I am going to keep doing it and keep going. All of this baggage seems like an acute illness that I will have to manage forever in order to live a happy and effective life. Its just a daunting prospect. I am just so tired. I don't know how to be around these people. I love my sisters, and I want this to work out where we can have healthy relationships, but there are so many traps.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 04-06-2013, 11:07 AM
 
Location: Western Washington
8,003 posts, read 11,689,977 times
Reputation: 19539
((((((CONFUSED))))))) I know you're hurting and I personally have dealt with those same demons. Do remember though, that your sister also had those thing ingrained into her and especially in these times, clings to those things for peace. On the grand scheme of things, it's not a big deal to ask that you clean up ASAP, in your mother's home. It's a simple way of keeping the peace, really. I'm sure that, just like you....it doesn't take much to set your sister's nerves on edge.

You said that she is the one who's shut up and put up, while still staying by your mother's side. Right now, she probably can't stand one-little-THING right now.

I'm not going to make this about me, but am going to share something with you, from that "close" perspective. There were a couple of times, in the past, where I had to be there for my parents. I was the one keeping up the home, fielding the complaints, being the sounding board, etc. My parents were the same way as your mother. There was a certain way that you did things. You ALWAYS, ALWAYS cleaned up your mess, immediately! Even after washing dishes after meals, you washed and dried the dish drainer and put it away. There was NEVER dirty dish...not so much as a cup in the sink, because you washed it as soon as you were done, dried it and put it away.

My older siblings showed up (to show support), left their messes and didn't see why it was a big deal. Well, to my parents, it WAS a huge deal. Who do you think got to hear about it when they left to go home? Yep....it was ME! I either got to hear all about what slobs my older siblings were, how irresponsible they were, how misbehaved their children were, or it was all combined with the badgering of how I needed to clean it up, right away!!!!

It could be that this is just "one more of THOSE things" to your sister. Your mom is in poor shape, she knows it stresses her out and SHE is going to have to hear about it (or she's afraid that she will). Combine it with the fact that she's likely, completely burned out, due to being the primary caregiver and overwhelmed by wanting to love her siblings, but being stressed that they're not doing more and you've got a fire, waiting to explode.

If for no other reason that to care for your siblings...try to busy yourself with taking over a little bit, whenever you can. Please try to honor your sister, show her respect, by not adding to her stress. As for your mom? Well...screw her, LOL She's still a failure, IMHO, as a human being, much less a mother. I have no pity for her, as she's spent her life holding others to an "above and beyond" standard, all while being a major dirtbag. Even though the woman stayed under the same roof as you....she abandoned you in what I consider to be an unforgiveable way. ((((hugs))))
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:


Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Non-Romantic Relationships
Similar Threads

All times are GMT -6.

© 2005-2024, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Contact Us - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37 - Top