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Old 03-13-2013, 02:05 PM
 
Location: In the city
1,581 posts, read 3,274,067 times
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My mom is dying. She is Catholic and very worried about going to hell. We couldn't figure out why this paranoia-- she wasn't a great parent, but she is well loved by her coworkers and friends, kind to animals, etc. Little did we know...

She recently acknowledged that she had allowed our father (I have two sisters) to sexually molest me at the age of 2.5 and covered it up so that "he wouldn't leave." During my current deathwatch vigil, my sisters and I came across some family pics that jogged my memory of a time I had been hospitalized at a very young age. My older sister recalled details that I had hurt myself vaginally by "doing a split." My little sister said that my father told her repeatedly that I had impaled myself on a bedpost and that I had to be "sewn up so that she would be a virgin." I should add that my older sister is a labor and delivery nurse and stated that it was impossible to sustain such an internal injury from doing a split. Also, we did not have any bedposts in the house at the time this happened (I was in a crib, my sister was in a cot, and my parents had no head nor footboard.)

Feeling sick about these different stories, I asked my mother (gently as she is in and out of a comatose state) if there was a time when my father had hurt me. She didn't even ask for clarification. She said that he had abused me so badly that I had to go to the emergency room and be repaired, and that she lied to everyone so that he wouldn't leave her and go to jail. My father used to beat me senseless when I was tiny-- so badly that he broke my jaw when I was three and I passed out on more than one occasion. I really think (and my sisters agree) that he was trying to kill me to cover up the evidence. I also remember changing my underwear all the time and getting yelled at for it, pain when I was using the potty, etc.

She did not ask for forgiveness, and immediately started asking us about her current boyfriend who was supposed to visit that day. I don't even have words for how upset I am about this. I have a therapist I have been seeing for a while and have scheduled time with her, so I am definitely trying to get help. I am so outraged I can't adequately express it. All my life I was branded the loser, the druggie ( I never did drugs), the **** (I was a virgin until I was 18), damaged goods. I am healthy, with a good job, respected and loved by my friends and sisters, independent, etc. I never understood why I was the family criminal. I got straight As. I was the most attractive person in the family (objectively) but I was always called ugly. I cut off ties with my mom except for a phone call now and then when I left home because it was so clear that she disliked and rejected me. Now it is clear why. Even to this day-- she set up a trust for my sisters and I. I am the ONLY one who has to get both of my sister's permission to use my share of the trust. NOTHING in my life would indicate that I was not responsible with my money and yet, she is still trying to perpetuate the idea that I am a loser, tainted, wrong and needing to be supervised.

I came to see her to care for her and help make her final days comfortable. Now I am convinced I am here to witness justice. She is fading fast and scared of a judgement that she really believes in. I am comporting myself with a kindness and grace I don't feel-- I don't even know where it is coming from-its almost as though I am getting some kind of supernatural assistance--because I understand that the universe is taking care of things for me. But holy crap-- this is so much more awful than anything I could have ever imagined. Where the hell do I go from here?
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Old 03-13-2013, 02:19 PM
 
3,395 posts, read 3,343,049 times
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OMG, Confused, your post left me trembling. How awful. I can't believe you are handling this as well as you are. I don't know what else to say except that I'm giving you a virtual hug right now. Maybe this is what you needed to allow you to finally begin to heal.

Edit: Do you still have contact with your father? Do you know where he is?

Last edited by Book Lover 21; 03-13-2013 at 02:20 PM.. Reason: add
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Old 03-13-2013, 02:23 PM
 
Location: In the city
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I know where he is but do not have contact. He remarried shortly after the divorce-- another family with three girls (creepy) and has had several complaints lodged against him in the school he worked in due to his treatment of a student who was developmentally challenged. Honestly, I didn't have much use for either of my parents as they clearly thought very little of me, but I was never angry with my father in the same way that I was at my mother. I was never aware of anything like this happening when I was older, though I had some issues that would have been explained by this kind of abuse.
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Old 03-13-2013, 02:32 PM
 
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You should have her make a statement and get it notarized in case you want to pursue a case against him. That may also help her get a little peace before she goes.
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Old 03-13-2013, 02:33 PM
 
Location: Boca Raton, FL
5,137 posts, read 8,663,004 times
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Smile Can't imagine but....

Your mother has been carrying this terrible weight for all those years. There could also be something in her history where this behavior was tolerated; I don't know; can't imagine but for a woman to stay with someone for fear he would leave is so awful.

I know I would have scooped up my children and left but I have a supportive famiy; maybe she did not. Maybe she came from that era where you had to have a man and especially if there was money involved. In my book, money or no money, I would have been gone but she was from a different time.

Maybe your father threatened her; made her life hell; who knows.

You are right to continue the counseling. I am a person who believes in faith and I know life is not fair but pray for forgiveness for your mother. Only God knows why she acted in that way. The truth will set you free.
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Old 03-13-2013, 02:34 PM
 
2,764 posts, read 4,125,216 times
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I think it is really good you have a therapist. Please don't stop going. If you ever feel like therapy isn't doing anything to help you, consider trying a different therapist. Some therapist connect differently with others, kind of like friendships are different from person to person (if that makes sense)
I think your emotions are natural, and expected.

I also think that very few people on a forum such as this truly have enough experience to give valid advise.

All that being said, it sounds you accomplished a lot of wonderful things in life, and you have set up a nice future for your life. I am sorry for what you have been through.
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Old 03-13-2013, 02:49 PM
 
2,545 posts, read 2,911,939 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Book Lover 21 View Post
You should have her make a statement and get it notarized in case you want to pursue a case against him. That may also help her get a little peace before she goes.
I think this is very good thinking for the OP.

Get your mother to do this for you asap. I don't know if your mother will let you record her own talking about this awful situation in the event she is not physically able to sign anything, but something along those lines is for you to have in case you have a case against your own father.

I am so sorry you learned about something exceedingly traumatic and earth-shattering; I wish I could offer you more useful advice. I would stay in therapy as well. All the best to you.
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Old 03-13-2013, 02:50 PM
 
Location: Austin
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I have no words for the confessions you were given. I pray that you find ways to work through it and come out even stronger than before.
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Old 03-13-2013, 02:54 PM
 
3,395 posts, read 3,343,049 times
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See your therapist, but also speak to an attorney.

I wish I could be as forgiving as other people, but I would be focusing on either:

a) suing Dad in civil court for every penny he has AND in criminal court so he is locked away for the rest of his life.
or
b) abusing HIM with a spiked baseball bat.

That is how I would find peace.....but that's just me.
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Old 03-13-2013, 03:53 PM
 
Location: Orlando
8,181 posts, read 16,520,696 times
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I am so sorry you went thru this. My mind really doesn't comprehend it.

I hope thru therapy, you find a way to forgive your mother. Not making excuses for her but it sounds like she was mentally abused.
I only say forgiver her because until you do, that monster of a sperm donor will still have power over you.

Sadly for total peace you have to forgive the dirtbag too.

Please keep us posted on your progress.
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