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Old 03-18-2013, 01:11 PM
 
Location: In the city
1,581 posts, read 3,271,387 times
Reputation: 2357

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I am in a pretty awful situation with my mom dying terribly and finding out some really horrific information about my past and family (there is another thread on this). I have two sisters, an older and a younger one.

My mother always blatantly favored my younger sister. My older sister was what "trapped" her into a marriage with our dad (or maybe she "trapped" him, depending on whose version you believe) and she was pretty much rejected out of hand. She now has a daughter of her own who has also been rejected despite my sister's attempts at including Grandma in her life.

I was abused by my dad at a very young age and I think this was the reason (or at least part of it) why my mother disliked and rejected me. I was the family scapegoat. Now that I think more about the facts of my birth, I believe my mother was trying to get rid of the pregnancy when she went into labor with me (I was early and she had a mysterious accident which caused her to go into labor) so her dislike of me may have had its roots much earlier in life than I originally thought. But at any rate, I am the least favorite of the daughters, even though I am a successful, highly functional, happy adult with a strong support network outside of my family.

My little sister did everything my mother wanted-- is an a PhD program because my mom wanted her to, doesn't date because my mom has told her not to (she is in her 30s and I don't think she has ever had a boyfriend. My mother, we found out, had many affairs both while married and with married men.) She looks very masculine (my mom wanted a boy) and spends much of her time devoted to her dog. She saw my mom the most and is the person my mother asks for during caretaking, despite the fact that my older sister is a nurse who has taken off the last few months to be with her.

My older sister and I will be happy that our mother won't be able to hurt us any more. Both of us had resentment against my youngest sister for many years-- she was showered with gifts and praise by both our manipulative mother and our predatory father. She had horses, cars and attention while my older sister and I were relegated to the background with none of the same trappings and gifts. We have found out that she, too, was abused by my dad, and it surprised neither of us as he was clearly, creepily "grooming" her as a partner when we were little.

Now there is quite the complex mix of emotions. My little sister sees my mom for what she really is and professes to feel awful that my older sister and I are still so rejected (and I believe she does actually feel awful), but I also think that somewhere, she still believes in her supremacy and specialness. Praise was difficult to come by in our house and my little sister definitely got the lion's share. She has grown into a Type A overfunctioning adult-- she actually told my older sister (a nurse) how to put in an IV because she didn't think she was doing it right-- just as an example. She is very tightly wound and I fear that losing our mom is going to mean something very different to her than it does to my older sister and I.

I am trying to be patient but I have to confess that she really gets on my nerves at times. My solution in the past has been to stay away from her, but that isn't really possible now. I would like to have a better relationship with her. I really do love her. Its just as though my parents straightjacketed her into a role, brainwashed her, and now my sister and I have to try and figure out how to help her escape. Anyone out there have advice or a similar situation?
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Old 03-18-2013, 10:19 PM
 
7,353 posts, read 13,171,380 times
Reputation: 8896
Does your sister still have some kind of relationship with your father? As for the whole straight-jacketed role, brainwashed issue... Of course, if your sister is wanting to change, then she'll change with lots of therapy and corrections-- but it's not really something you and your sister can help along. The youngest sister has to want to do that and fully commit. Even though it appears that your sister got the lion share of the gifts and praise, just remember she suffered too. Its easy to think she didn't, but even with all the good things your sister appeared to have gotten, she still turned out a very insecure and unstable person.

I do think your sister (and perhaps you as well) have some boundary issues. It makes me feel sad that your sister put her own daughter up for the Grandma's repeated rejections, no one deserves that. All of you need to start your healing journeys, with or without your youngest sister.
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Old 03-19-2013, 03:56 AM
 
Location: Florida
19,645 posts, read 19,757,752 times
Reputation: 22951
Ahhh...I could go on and and about the tangled up knot this situation and the possibly this and the probable that but for right now I really would suggest that maybe you should take one complicated thing at a time....in this case, you.
You certainly could let your sister know you love her and would be willing to try to untangle the knot together should she want it.
But she is going to have to feel she has something that needs 'fixing' and the desire to work at it first.
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Old 03-19-2013, 04:09 AM
 
Location: In my skin
9,043 posts, read 14,270,085 times
Reputation: 8900
Quote:
Originally Posted by confusedasusual View Post
I am in a pretty awful situation with my mom dying terribly and finding out some really horrific information about my past and family (there is another thread on this). I have two sisters, an older and a younger one.

My mother always blatantly favored my younger sister. My older sister was what "trapped" her into a marriage with our dad (or maybe she "trapped" him, depending on whose version you believe) and she was pretty much rejected out of hand. She now has a daughter of her own who has also been rejected despite my sister's attempts at including Grandma in her life.

I was abused by my dad at a very young age and I think this was the reason (or at least part of it) why my mother disliked and rejected me. I was the family scapegoat. Now that I think more about the facts of my birth, I believe my mother was trying to get rid of the pregnancy when she went into labor with me (I was early and she had a mysterious accident which caused her to go into labor) so her dislike of me may have had its roots much earlier in life than I originally thought. But at any rate, I am the least favorite of the daughters, even though I am a successful, highly functional, happy adult with a strong support network outside of my family.

My little sister did everything my mother wanted-- is an a PhD program because my mom wanted her to, doesn't date because my mom has told her not to (she is in her 30s and I don't think she has ever had a boyfriend. My mother, we found out, had many affairs both while married and with married men.) She looks very masculine (my mom wanted a boy) and spends much of her time devoted to her dog. She saw my mom the most and is the person my mother asks for during caretaking, despite the fact that my older sister is a nurse who has taken off the last few months to be with her.

My older sister and I will be happy that our mother won't be able to hurt us any more. Both of us had resentment against my youngest sister for many years-- she was showered with gifts and praise by both our manipulative mother and our predatory father. She had horses, cars and attention while my older sister and I were relegated to the background with none of the same trappings and gifts. We have found out that she, too, was abused by my dad, and it surprised neither of us as he was clearly, creepily "grooming" her as a partner when we were little.

Now there is quite the complex mix of emotions. My little sister sees my mom for what she really is and professes to feel awful that my older sister and I are still so rejected (and I believe she does actually feel awful), but I also think that somewhere, she still believes in her supremacy and specialness. Praise was difficult to come by in our house and my little sister definitely got the lion's share. She has grown into a Type A overfunctioning adult-- she actually told my older sister (a nurse) how to put in an IV because she didn't think she was doing it right-- just as an example. She is very tightly wound and I fear that losing our mom is going to mean something very different to her than it does to my older sister and I.

I am trying to be patient but I have to confess that she really gets on my nerves at times. My solution in the past has been to stay away from her, but that isn't really possible now. I would like to have a better relationship with her. I really do love her. Its just as though my parents straightjacketed her into a role, brainwashed her, and now my sister and I have to try and figure out how to help her escape. Anyone out there have advice or a similar situation?
I'm sorry your family has had to endure so much. I think it depends on how engrained these issues are. When it is all you know, it's all you know. You and your older sister had a different "reality" than the younger one, so it is hard for you to relate to her and the damage may well be beyond your ability to work with.

I have a similar situation going with one of my two sisters. It's been 7 years since I've spoken to her. My mother is now having some medical issues and while my other siblings and I have rallied together to help her, she is doing what she does best; causing grief. Nothing has changed. She is, in my unprofessional but informed opinion, a sociopath. I would love to have a relationship with her but she is just not capable of the bonding, loyalty and love my other siblings and I have with one another. I accept that and choose to stay away. I don't know how severe your situation is, but my general life rule is that if it is toxic, dump it. No one is worth giving up your piece of mind or quality of life.
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Old 03-19-2013, 07:17 AM
 
Location: In the city
1,581 posts, read 3,271,387 times
Reputation: 2357
Quote:
Originally Posted by Inkpoe View Post
Does your sister still have some kind of relationship with your father? As for the whole straight-jacketed role, brainwashed issue... Of course, if your sister is wanting to change, then she'll change with lots of therapy and corrections-- but it's not really something you and your sister can help along. The youngest sister has to want to do that and fully commit. Even though it appears that your sister got the lion share of the gifts and praise, just remember she suffered too. Its easy to think she didn't, but even with all the good things your sister appeared to have gotten, she still turned out a very insecure and unstable person.

I do think your sister (and perhaps you as well) have some boundary issues. It makes me feel sad that your sister put her own daughter up for the Grandma's repeated rejections, no one deserves that. All of you need to start your healing journeys, with or without your youngest sister.

No, none of us speak to him. She is the most vehemently upset when mentioning him of the three of us.
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Old 03-19-2013, 07:57 AM
 
Location: In the city
1,581 posts, read 3,271,387 times
Reputation: 2357
Quote:
Originally Posted by Inkpoe View Post
Does your sister still have some kind of relationship with your father? As for the whole straight-jacketed role, brainwashed issue... Of course, if your sister is wanting to change, then she'll change with lots of therapy and corrections-- but it's not really something you and your sister can help along. The youngest sister has to want to do that and fully commit. Even though it appears that your sister got the lion share of the gifts and praise, just remember she suffered too. Its easy to think she didn't, but even with all the good things your sister appeared to have gotten, she still turned out a very insecure and unstable person.

I do think your sister (and perhaps you as well) have some boundary issues. It makes me feel sad that your sister put her own daughter up for the Grandma's repeated rejections, no one deserves that. All of you need to start your healing journeys, with or without your youngest sister.

You are correct. I know that I definitely have had (and work on) boundary issues. For my older sister, I think these are more pronounced. I have benefited from years of therapy (which I continue to attend, especially now as all these issues are coming to light). I have encouraged both my siblings to find someone to talk to as well. I don't know if they will.
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