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I need some help in deciding if I am going to far with my mother-in-law. First off, I married an ex-Jehovah witness and consequently married into a JW family. I was born atheist with no history of religion. 8 months ago my wife gets into contact with an old family friend from back in the day. He had been living in Las Vegas in a homeless shelter due to his divorce from his JW wife. He lost his job because of her, took huge sums of debt to pay off the bills she accumulated every time she committed herself to a crazy hospital, and was told by a professional shrink that she has multiple personality disorder. I, of all people felt bad and offered him to come up to my town and stay with us till he gets back on his feet. I felt like doing a good deed and helping my fellow man in the time of need. I grew up poor, so I have sympathy for people who really need help. My wife and I talked and agreed to allow him to move up. The next day my mother-in-law calls us up and tells us that she offered this same man a place to live at their house instead. Not only did they offer him a place to stay, they sent money down to him so he could fly up to the PNW on a plane. I was like cool. In the JW religion, everybody is family, so if somebody needs help, they get it. After moving into my mother-in-law’s house, things started to get strange. This man and my mother-in-law were always doing things together and leaving her husband at the house. Many months later, she told us that she was asking for a divorce from her husband. Not only did she tell my wife and I that she was going to ask for a divorce from her husband, she was also sleeping with this family man friend from Vegas. My wife was instantly very upset, because her mother was a devout JW member for many years and my wife was forced to obey the religion to the letter. Without any sort of income, or backup plan, or money saved up, or a place to stay, she asked for a divorce. Her husband told her to pack a bag and get out. Her and her new man friend initially asked us to move into my house, which I said no. Both have no jobs, no money, not a pot to **** in other than the cloths on their back. My mother-in-law has never worked so she does not have any skills. She lived the JW lifestyle with an Amish belief. My wife and I could not financially support two mid 50’s adults, and our family. My mother-in-law went back home along with her new secret fling and tried to keep piece in the valley. By this time the damage was done and issues were starting to pop up at their house. Last weekend, my mother-in-law came to my house with her new man love at 2am in the morning claiming her husband threatened to shoot them both. They called the sheriff and ran. The next morning we all talked and they again asked if they could stay with us. My wife and I talked and agreed to let them stay temporarily until things cool down. A few days later, they started to expect us to allow them to stay long term and hide their adultery. My mother-in-law wanted us to lie to her husband and not answer the phone when he calls. I have two little children under the age of 2 years. Two nights ago, I blew up and held a meeting in my dining room. I scolded both of them for doing what they had been doing and told them I was not going to be pulled into their mess. I told them that this lying, deceiving, and adultery were not coming into my house. On top of that, I did not want my father-in-law to come with his gun and start shooting up the place. I gave them two options.
1. Divorce her husband, get a job, and tell her husband what she was doing. Bring everything out in the open so there are no secrets. If this was done, I would allow my mother-in-law to stay, but her man friend had to find another place to live. I would give them 30days to make a decision.
2. Both find another place to live and I would pay my mother-in-law to stay during the week and watch my newborn son while my wife and I work. I would give them 30 days to make a decision.
Again, I am willing to help when help is needed. My mother-in-law did not like what I said and left my house angry. Apparently, she drove over to her husband and they both went out into a public place to discus the terms of their divorce. They seemed to agree and are willing to work with each other. My wife has been so upset that we have now started to argue over this issue. Even though my wife and I agreed on the options, she is now pissed at me for giving those options. My wife is pissed at her mother for committing adultery; she is pissed at her for being such a hypocrite and punishing her when she was young. My wife feels betrayed and feels her whole life has been one big lie. The religion lied to her and her mother lied to her. So, here I am asking for advice from the people on this forum.
1. Was I a little too harsh with these two grown adults?
2. Should I allow my mother-in-law to stay at the house and kick her man friend out?
3. Or was I riding on my moral stallion a little too hard by making these demands??
That is your home and you were protecting your wife and children as well as your financial welfare.
The only thing I feel you might have done differently is with the terms you outlined.
I think 30 days was too much time.
And I believe you may want to re-think having your mother-in-law stay in your home and take care of your children. First of all, about the time FIL gets bent out of shape (figures out there is another man involved) and comes over to your house when you are not home . . . or with a weapon . . . you just don't know what could happen.
Secondly, I think this is going to be a very tense, stress-inducing situation for your wife. I think she may need a break from having her mother around. You might rescind that part of the deal. You could tell MIL to go file for assistance from the county or get a job - but it is not going to work out for her to watch the children. Of course, if your wife is okay with her doing this, then hopefully, there won't be any problems down the road.
I think you were the voice of reason and I admire you for taking things in hand when others are acting so irresponsibly.
Sounds fine by me. These people sound way dysfunctional, and like the earlier poster I question the wisdom of her babysitting your newborn. Just remain detached. You don't owe them any help with the messes they're making.
That is your home and you were protecting your wife and children as well as your financial welfare.
The only thing I feel you might have done differently is with the terms you outlined.
I think 30 days was too much time.
And I believe you may want to re-think having your mother-in-law stay in your home and take care of your children. First of all, about the time FIL gets bent out of shape (figures out there is another man involved) and comes over to your house when you are not home . . . or with a weapon . . . you just don't know what could happen.
Secondly, I think this is going to be a very tense, stress-inducing situation for your wife. I think she may need a break from having her mother around. You might rescind that part of the deal. You could tell MIL to go file for assistance from the county or get a job - but it is not going to work out for her to watch the children. Of course, if your wife is okay with her doing this, then hopefully, there won't be any problems down the road.
I think you were the voice of reason and I admire you for taking things in hand when others are acting so irresponsibly.
^^^^^
I totally agree with Anifani. Also, this situation is absurd. Drama like this is exhausting. I hope you and your wife are able to calm things down around you. Remain strong for each other and for your kids.
It would take more than a saint to remain a calm, united couple under those conditions.
Has your wife considered going to counselor to try to get a handle on foundational parts of her world crumbling around her? I can't imagine how conflicted she must be. It might be nice to get an objective outside perspective on it.
I think your options were downright generous. Like others I don't know that I'd want MIL watching the kids, but I can sympathize with wanting to give MIL some means of support. I also don't buy 'friend's' story. He seems like a user and a con man at best.
Also - you and your wife have a right to enforce whatever moral standards you feel strongly about. It's YOUR house. Other people don't get to stay there (and esp not rent-free) under their terms.
One thing about this is, my wife works from home. She telecomutes into work, so she is at home with my son. MIL lived with us for the first year my daughter was born and would go home on the weekends. I paid her to watch my daughter while my wife worked. MIL did an excellent job being a nanny. I mean my daughter and her get a long very good. My daughter is very well behaved and I can safely say that MIL was the reason for it. I would trust her watching my son just like my daughter. But, here is the issue I have. "IF" we allowed MIL to stay with us untill the divorce goes through and her man love moves to another place, MIL would be with us till the day she dies. She has no place to go, no relatives around this area, no money saved. We would litterally be her lifeline. The man love said he is looking for another place and has a few friends still around my area that he is asking as of today. He offered to find another place to live and understood that I am upset. Still, My wife and I have to make a decision to allow MIL to stay with us for ever. God damn!! WTF happened? I feel like I am living in a Twilight Zone episode where I drove into a country town and cannot leave. No mater what road I take, I alway come back to Main Street.
... My wife has been so upset that we have now started to argue over this issue. Even though my wife and I agreed on the options, she is now pissed at me for giving those options. My wife is pissed at her mother for committing adultery; she is pissed at her for being such a hypocrite and punishing her when she was young. My wife feels betrayed and feels her whole life has been one big lie. The religion lied to her and her mother lied to her. So, here I am asking for advice from the people on this forum.
1. Was I a little too harsh with these two grown adults?
2. Should I allow my mother-in-law to stay at the house and kick her man friend out?
3. Or was I riding on my moral stallion a little too hard by making these demands??
Cheers
1) No. Don't be an enabler.
2) No. Tough love is in order.
3) No. Stand your ground - your home and your life is for *you* and *your wife*.
And your wife is probably pissed at everything and everybody right now, because her entire belief system is getting shredded into pieces. And one of her parents (whom she presumably loves) is in the middle of it. Scary!
Perhaps she could find a nanny job with strangers. Quite honestly, she needs to learn how to support herself and think for herself.
By the way, I think you handled the situation well.
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I hope you and your wife are able to calm things down around you. Remain strong for each other and for your kids. 
