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Old 03-20-2013, 10:13 AM
 
3,311 posts, read 3,005,980 times
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I would like some insight that C-D members may have about my son.

He is 27, married, with a little boy and one on the way. I divorced his father nearly 10 years ago, and since then he has talked to me on the phone and in person a total of about 10 times. I've seen my grandson about 4 times. (He will be 2 soon.) He doesn't talk to his sister at all either, even though they are only 2 1/2 years apart. My impression is that he doesn't talk to her, because she and I are close, and his sister didn't take their father's "side" in the divorce. Actually, she didn't take sides at all, but understands why I left.

I have asked him on the few occasions that I've spoken to him if there is a problem, but he says there isn't. Could he really be that mad at me for divorcing his father? Now that he's married, wouldn't be getting the idea that it isn't a one-way street?

Shortly after my daughter lost her baby (last year), my ex-husband was telling her on and on about how he was baby-sitting our son's little boy. Then, my DIL posted pictures of being pregnant, mentioning how she was going to give the grandparents a healthy baby! I jumped into Mom Mode, emailing to both my ex-husband and son/DIL that they could be more sensitive to our daughter's loss. The ex's new wife decided that it was her business and shot back an email telling me how I couldn't maintain a relationship with my son, blah, blah, blah. I responded by telling her to mind her own d@mn business, then blocked their emails. My son's response was nothing. He didn't even call to apologize to his sister.

This doesn't consume me. I'd like a relationship with my grandson, but don't see that ever happening. He doesn't even know who I am.

Thanks for reading.
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Old 03-20-2013, 10:44 AM
 
Location: Las Flores, Orange County, CA
26,346 posts, read 82,831,832 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by metamorphosis View Post
I jumped into Mom Mode, emailing to both my ex-husband and son/DIL that they could be more sensitive to our daughter's loss.

The only thing I might write is to be careful writing sensitive things like this in an email. Email can be interpreted in many ways. A phone call or personal visit would more truly reflect your feelings.
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Old 03-20-2013, 10:56 AM
 
3,739 posts, read 9,576,481 times
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pride + temper = lost relationships
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Old 03-20-2013, 11:03 AM
 
Location: Portlandia "burbs"
10,236 posts, read 13,951,313 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by metamorphosis View Post
I would like some insight that C-D members may have about my son.

He is 27, married, with a little boy and one on the way. I divorced his father nearly 10 years ago, and since then he has talked to me on the phone and in person a total of about 10 times. I've seen my grandson about 4 times. (He will be 2 soon.) He doesn't talk to his sister at all either, even though they are only 2 1/2 years apart. My impression is that he doesn't talk to her, because she and I are close, and his sister didn't take their father's "side" in the divorce. Actually, she didn't take sides at all, but understands why I left.

I have asked him on the few occasions that I've spoken to him if there is a problem, but he says there isn't. Could he really be that mad at me for divorcing his father? Now that he's married, wouldn't be getting the idea that it isn't a one-way street?

Shortly after my daughter lost her baby (last year), my ex-husband was telling her on and on about how he was baby-sitting our son's little boy. Then, my DIL posted pictures of being pregnant, mentioning how she was going to give the grandparents a healthy baby! I jumped into Mom Mode, emailing to both my ex-husband and son/DIL that they could be more sensitive to our daughter's loss. The ex's new wife decided that it was her business and shot back an email telling me how I couldn't maintain a relationship with my son, blah, blah, blah. I responded by telling her to mind her own d@mn business, then blocked their emails. My son's response was nothing. He didn't even call to apologize to his sister.

This doesn't consume me. I'd like a relationship with my grandson, but don't see that ever happening. He doesn't even know who I am.

Thanks for reading.

Well, I think you belittled your son and daughter-in-law's excitement by coming on like gang-busters in your reply to her. Is everyone supposed to walk on egg-shells about this? And, yes, she over-reacted, too, but I don't blame her for getting upset. And to lose contact (block email, etc.) over this is something I can't comprehend.

Perhaps I feel this way because I was kinda-sorta in her situation when I was pregnant. My husband's brother's wife could not conceive, and when we had a family gathering one weekend she went into sulk mode and left the room in frustrated tears because I was pregnant. My mother-in-law got onto HER case for the behavior. I just stayed out of it until it all passed.
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Old 03-20-2013, 11:26 AM
 
Location: Orlando
8,181 posts, read 16,520,696 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by metamorphosis View Post
Shortly after my daughter lost her baby (last year), my ex-husband was telling her on and on about how he was baby-sitting our son's little boy. Then, my DIL posted pictures of being pregnant, mentioning how she was going to give the grandparents a healthy baby! I jumped into Mom Mode, emailing to both my ex-husband and son/DIL that they could be more sensitive to our daughter's loss.
While I understand you thought you were protecting your daughter's feelings....this should NEVER have been sent.
You basically told them that they could not rejoice and be happy about a healthy baby because it might hurt your daughter's feelings.
Your ex might be a dufus but he should still be able to tell about the joy he gets from watching the grandson.
You can be there for your daughter IF she mentions that this bothers her. But you can't fight her fights for her.

Maybe if you think back to see if this has happened in the past also? Not saying that he does but he might feel like you are putting his sister and her needs before him.
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Old 03-20-2013, 12:53 PM
 
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I blocked my ex's/new wife's emails. It wasn't any of her business. I didn't block my son's.

No, people don't have to walk on eggshells, but they don't have to basically rub it in that they "can provide grandparents with a healthy grandchild". I don't see that as rejoicing.

I asked them to be more sensitive. I didn't tell them that they were jackasses.

IMHO, my ex could have told my daughter that he was babysitting. Period.

When my son got married, he never asked me for any help. They had family pictures up on the wall of the bride growing up and my son growing up. All the pictures of my son were either of himself or him with his father. There wasn't a single picture of me - or his sister.

No, nothing else has happened in the past - other than I divorced his father. I have a hard time putting his needs with his sister's, because he never says anything. When his son was born, the baby had to go to a different hospital for a day or two. My son had to divide his time between his wife at one and his new baby at another. All he had to do was call me, and I would have drove 600 miles at that moment's notice to be there and help. I could have been with the baby while he was with his wife, or made meals for him or something. Instead, I found out months later that that is what happened. (This all happened before the email re: baby #2, btw.)
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Old 03-20-2013, 12:59 PM
 
Location: Colorado
4,308 posts, read 11,779,279 times
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Have you tried just calling or writing to your son and telling him that you want a fuller relationship and you will do whatever to make it happen? Does he even know that you want to help out and be a part of their lives? If you haven't reached out and are just waiting for him to let you know, that's not going to work. I think you need to set aside all judgment, criticism, negativity and just tell him you want to be a part of his and your grandchildren's lives. Now he may tell you he's not interested but at least you'll know you tried.
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Old 03-20-2013, 01:06 PM
 
Location: On the corner of Grey Street
6,067 posts, read 8,331,980 times
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Were you and your son close prior to the divorce? It seems really odd for him to just cut you out that way because you left his father. I get being upset, but not for 10 years. There's got to be more to this.

I may be wrong, but I wonder how hard you've really tried to find out why he's upset or where this disconnect is coming from. Do you invite him to do things? Send cards/presents for holidays? Offer to come visit and help out? I think a letter could be a good idea. Tell him how much you miss him and his family, how sad you are that you aren't closer, and how much you want to be in his life. Maybe he doesn't know how you feel and feels resentful you haven't tried harder to be apart of his life?
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Old 03-20-2013, 01:24 PM
 
Location: Orlando
8,181 posts, read 16,520,696 times
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Another has suggested...sit down and write him a letter.

Tell him how you feel and how you feel left out.

Tell him that you miss him and would like to part of his and his family's life but you can't fix what you don't know is broken...(shoot me now, I quoted Dr Phil)

Without criticsm(or anything that could be taken as the slightest insult) put it to him to tell you why or what happened that caused him to pull away. It might not be because you divorced his Dad but you'll never know until he tells you.

I always hate to see these things happen and I hope you get some answers.
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Old 03-20-2013, 03:28 PM
 
7,362 posts, read 13,183,956 times
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You said that your son is not close to his sister, doesn't even talk to her... and you sent him an email basically scolding him for not being sensitive enough to his sister's loss. Your "Mom Mode" action was spurred on by your DIL's fb post and you're offended that your DIL got mad and "decided to make it her business"? What was your son supposed to do? He didn't do anything. Of course he was going to show your email to his wife because it was triggered by her post. Given your non-relationship to your son, the last thing you want to do is scorn his wife.

Honestly, there has to be more to the story.

I can't help but think to my MIL because she has the same complaint as you with one of my husband's brothers. This particular brother is the stoic kind, never lets on if he needs help or needs something. Also doesn't really talk that much either. There is hardly any relationship with his mother. He has 2 boys who also don't really have much of a relationship with her. My MIL doesn't get along well with his wife because MIL set tone of being contentious. Like you, MIL got offended by something my SIL did (which was really innocent btw) and chewed her son out. Weirdly enough, also for not being sensitive to his sister. That tone never really changed. My BIL stands completely behind his wife and doesn't have a problem with not having a relationship with his mother. The reason why my BIL doesn't really have anything to do with his mother is because he can't handle her personality. MIL's personality is very histrionic, melodramatic, high-strung, angry and capricious. You just never know what you're going to deal with when it comes to her. BIL is definitely one of those people who needs stability, quiet and calmness.
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