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Old 03-28-2013, 10:09 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,890 posts, read 17,203,069 times
Reputation: 40792

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Quote:
Originally Posted by bcr229 View Post
It sounds like this behavior is a longstanding pattern in your family. It will not change until you take steps yourself to make it change.

"No." Learn to say it. It is a complete sentence. It doesn't require any additional information or explanation. Eventually your sibs will figure out that when you say it, anything they say in response doesn't matter - it will be like talking to a wall. It may take months or even years, but eventually they'll figure it out.

There is no reason to feel any guilt because you are a young adult who can not afford to help out with your parents's medical bills. Your parents are adults, and covering those costs is their responsibility.
If "No" is too short, pick something else like "No, I can't afford it" or "I'm sorry, but No" and keep saying it, over and over again like a broken record until your siblings believe it.

No, you are not being selfish. Your sister is being a bully.
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Old 03-29-2013, 03:51 AM
 
16,025 posts, read 19,575,589 times
Reputation: 26194
No....You are not selfish, they are. Tell them you don't have it. Ask which one of them is going to let you move in when you can't pay your rent because you are being made to pay 450 suddenly? That should shut them up.
Their own Mom doesn't have it. They can't blame you. They can cough up 500 each. Or, Your Mom can wait since it is not urgent. Also, tell your Mom....Pull rank.

Last edited by JanND; 03-29-2013 at 04:11 AM.. Reason: edit text
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Old 03-29-2013, 04:06 AM
 
16,025 posts, read 19,575,589 times
Reputation: 26194
Quote:
Originally Posted by windynostalgia View Post
I did tell my sister about how I don't have that kind of money but she insisted I "could rearrange your finances to make it work because mommy comes first." I'm so incredibly stressed by this and I'm considering just taking on a part time job on top of my full time big box gig when I return from my trip or I'll never be able to save up for my main goal (moving in together with long distance bf.) this basically all boils down to them not ever having respected me (I am the youngest) and constantly backing me into a corner with no other choices but the ones they give me.
Here's a couple of links that may help: Emotional Blackmail by siblings....Out of the FOG - Emotional Blackmail
http://hyeiiinow.blogspot.com/2006/1...blackmail.html

Don't let them keep treating you this way. You will harbor resentment for years. I've seen this ruin relationships for life. Put your foot down. They sound like un-supportive people, and very immature.

Talk to your Mom. Unless she taught your siblings how to be this way, she will make it stop.

You owe nothing to your siblings except mutual respect. What you give is supposed to be given out of love, not harassment.

I personally do not ever let my kids run each other down, period. They know not to. They are adults, and if they start venting, I'll listen, but I put a stop to any derogatory comments an reframe things if possible. At the end of the day, sometimes family is all you got. I hope this link helps.

Last edited by JanND; 03-29-2013 at 04:10 AM.. Reason: edit text
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Old 03-29-2013, 06:12 PM
 
Location: Dallas
99 posts, read 146,040 times
Reputation: 71
Quote:
Originally Posted by JanND View Post
Here's a couple of links that may help: Emotional Blackmail by siblings....Out of the FOG - Emotional Blackmail
LET'S TALK ABOUT OUR ISSUES: EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL

Don't let them keep treating you this way. You will harbor resentment for years. I've seen this ruin relationships for life. Put your foot down. They sound like un-supportive people, and very immature.

Talk to your Mom. Unless she taught your siblings how to be this way, she will make it stop.

You owe nothing to your siblings except mutual respect. What you give is supposed to be given out of love, not harassment.

I personally do not ever let my kids run each other down, period. They know not to. They are adults, and if they start venting, I'll listen, but I put a stop to any derogatory comments an reframe things if possible. At the end of the day, sometimes family is all you got. I hope this link helps.
Unfortunately, I am already at this point. My older siblings have all treated me terribly since I was young (each to a different degree.) It is the second to last (I'm the youngest), however, that has really made my life miserable... Normally, I can just ignore her or try and defend myself, but when it comes to my parents, I am weak. I cave easily because I love them, and feel badly for all the dumb decisions I made as a teenager. She knows that, and thus uses it against me.
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Old 03-29-2013, 07:12 PM
 
1,787 posts, read 4,961,025 times
Reputation: 1280
Quote:
Originally Posted by windynostalgia View Post
Unfortunately, I am already at this point. My older siblings have all treated me terribly since I was young (each to a different degree.) It is the second to last (I'm the youngest), however, that has really made my life miserable... Normally, I can just ignore her or try and defend myself, but when it comes to my parents, I am weak. I cave easily because I love them, and feel badly for all the dumb decisions I made as a teenager. She knows that, and thus uses it against me.
This is one of my favorite sayings and it's true:

"To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone." Reba McEntire

You don't have to cave because you love someone, not all the time anyway. That's exhausting. I hope everything works out for you.
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Old 03-29-2013, 08:58 PM
 
Location: State of Being
35,885 posts, read 67,016,830 times
Reputation: 22370
You need to stop this whole"chipping in with what a sibling decides to do" thing.

Been through this and it only gets worse. It sounds like intimidation and emotional blackmail, plus control issues going on.

The only way to stop this (and it won't stop overnight) is to tell all of your siblings to stop making decisions for you and assuming you are interested in their plans. They are not to dictate to you again what they expect you to do for any of them, including your parents.

Tell them it is between you and your parents what you do and don't do for them and to stop it with the group stuff. You will no longer pitch in to help pay for something others have decided to do for your parents. Further, if your parents have needs they cannot pay for, you expect to hear that from them, not a sibling.

My stepkids got into a real problem over one of them guilting the others and it was damaging to relationships and their mother was not pleased that these schemes were not even discussed with her. Stop the madness now. Make it a rule that if there is news or a problem in the family, it is discussed directly with the person involved and not repeated or passed on by others in the family. And whoever is the ringleader with coming up with these things--make sure they clearly understand that you are quite capable of deciding what is appropriate to address and what isn't--you don't need a third party making decisions and dictating your actions.
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Old 04-01-2013, 05:06 PM
 
16,025 posts, read 19,575,589 times
Reputation: 26194
Quote:
Originally Posted by windynostalgia View Post
Unfortunately, I am already at this point. My older siblings have all treated me terribly since I was young (each to a different degree.) It is the second to last (I'm the youngest), however, that has really made my life miserable... Normally, I can just ignore her or try and defend myself, but when it comes to my parents, I am weak. I cave easily because I love them, and feel badly for all the dumb decisions I made as a teenager. She knows that, and thus uses it against me.
Then read and research and also it wouldn't hurt to see a professional counselor to help you develop some coping skills for these repeated situations. It takes a bit for a person to learn to say No, and mean it.
I have 4 sons. I know where you are with the sibling thing. Opposite of you, my youngest always tries to boss my next youngest...I have more often than not intervened when I hear a derogatory comment, or griping by my youngest.

Believe me he is often shocked that I do not think that he is perfect. Kids make up in ways like this...You feel guilty for being a kid that may or may not have caused some family issues...Believe me....your sibling just didn't get caught. No person is perfect.

Now...take care of you. Get some counseling and/or a support group and get some practice saying No.

I also like Anifani's idea about a family caucus.

Call one....Address this ongoing emotional blackmail by your sister. Tell them you do not appreciate being made to feel badly and treated like you don't care just because you don't have extra money.

You may surprise yourself and find out that your next older sister has been manipulating these scenarios all along. She may be manipulating all of you. If you need support ask your Mom to be there when you have this discussion. The sister will have been called out for the manipulation in front of all concerned....That is often the best way to diffuse anything within families....Get everyone together and put your cards on the table. This may put an end to this drama....

No shame in not having extra money for other people's needs...that is not your job. Maybe you can offer to take care of Mom after surgery, or make dinner, or run errands...anything you have time to help with..in lieu of donating money, donate time and energy. Good luck on this...

Last edited by JanND; 04-01-2013 at 05:20 PM..
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Old 04-01-2013, 09:05 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,890 posts, read 17,203,069 times
Reputation: 40792
Quote:
Originally Posted by anifani821 View Post
You need to stop this whole"chipping in with what a sibling decides to do" thing.

Been through this and it only gets worse. It sounds like intimidation and emotional blackmail, plus control issues going on.

The only way to stop this (and it won't stop overnight) is to tell all of your siblings to stop making decisions for you and assuming you are interested in their plans. They are not to dictate to you again what they expect you to do for any of them, including your parents.

Tell them it is between you and your parents what you do and don't do for them and to stop it with the group stuff. You will no longer pitch in to help pay for something others have decided to do for your parents. Further, if your parents have needs they cannot pay for, you expect to hear that from them, not a sibling.

My stepkids got into a real problem over one of them guilting the others and it was damaging to relationships and their mother was not pleased that these schemes were not even discussed with her. Stop the madness now. Make it a rule that if there is news or a problem in the family, it is discussed directly with the person involved and not repeated or passed on by others in the family. And whoever is the ringleader with coming up with these things--make sure they clearly understand that you are quite capable of deciding what is appropriate to address and what isn't--you don't need a third party making decisions and dictating your actions.
Excellent points.
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