Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I need some solid input on this family situation. Please help.
Background Information:
My father was in the hosptial about a year and a half ago and almost died due to pneumonia. While in the hospital his bac was off the charts. He has been diagnosed as an alcoholic and had to go through extreme detox while in the hospital. My mom refused to quit drinking.
Both my parents have drank alcohol since their early twenties, late teens. They're in their mid 60s now. The have both smoked cigarettes that same amount of time. My mother is/was a heavier smoker than my father.
My mom is a breast cancer survivor of four years. She was diagnosed with lung cancer this year and has had two surgeries. She still smokes. My father smokes around her.
Current:
My parents are still smoking and my father has begun drinking again. My mom has shared her concerns to us about him drinking again. BTW, he refused to go into any treatment plan after leaving the hospital a year and a half ago.
My youngest brother (in his mid-30s) has decided that tough love is a necessary action to hopefully tell our parents that we want them to stop smoking and drinking. Two of my three siblings are choosing to turn a blind eye and not agree with this tough love act. My brother and I have chosen to not attend Thanksgiving and not be around when they "need" us. I will say this is extremely difficult to do, but if they do not quit this habit they will die. It's not about asking them to stop drinking or smoking because I don't like it, but because they are both on a path that will end sooner rather than later. And I don't want my kids around that type of destructive behavior. Remember, my father is an alcoholic (mom is an undiagnosed one) and my mother just has 1/4 of her lung cut out due to lung cancer.
Please know that I love my parents deeply and my hope is that this tough love will show them how much I care, and that I want them around a long time. In my heart it comes down to, "what is more important? An alcohol or cigarette buzz...or time with your grandchildren?"
First I want to tell you that I am really sorry that you need to make this huge decision due to your parents not being responsable for themselves.
I am so sorry that your mom and your dad had to go thru all this in their lives. I am sure they are very good people and they do not deserve any of it.
But the fact is that they should and HAVE to stop being self destructive, I mean what other "sign" do they need to stop doing all those things that they have been doing for so many years? I am sure you all talked to them and tried to make them change and... well... it didn't work. I guess it is time to do what you suggested and tell them to take care of themselves because you love them so much and you want them around for as much as possible because you will "not be part" of them (i am sorry for what I am saying next) killing themselves because that is practicly what they are doing.
Bottom line is that I am with you on that one "tough love" but there is something else that you need to keep in mind and is that you do not want to regret after if you do not show up for these family reunions. Holiday time is coming and we never know... (lets leave it there, I am sure you know what I mean) Just whatever you do, make sure that you wont regret it.
I wish you and your family the best.
You ask: Please know that I love my parents deeply and my hope is that this tough love will show them how much I care, and that I want them around a long time. In my heart it comes down to, "what is more important? An alcohol or cigarette buzz...or time with your grandchildren?" Well, they have made the decision that it is alcohol and cigarettes. You can't control that.
If all the sibs won't stage an intervention, then I don't think that you and your brother's protests will have any impact.
How about, instead, have the family all get together at a restaurant for a late Thanksgiving lunch. The folks can't smoke, it will be too early to drink (in public, anyway, maybe....) Your kids will see the physical effects of their destructive behavior, so learn from your folks mistakes and they will also have the experience of a family thanksgiving. Your folks will get a taste of the grandkids and realize how their behavior is keeping them from spending the time that they have left with them. If you have to travel to do this, then invite the folks to a restaurant the next morning, before you head home.
It's frustrating, I know, BC my mom is an alcoholic and her sibs would never agree to an intervention. Now we all live close by one another and one sib doesn't see her BC she is a nasty drunk. The other sees her infrequently and my kids and I see her a couple times a week briefly, even though we live a few doors down. BC she can't smoke in our house, she has only been over three times this year and we only stop by for brief periods BC all she does is sit in her chair, drink, smoke and rant at CNN.
Now, Hoosier, I'm only giving you a suggestion. I also believe that your decision to have no contact is logical, as well, as long as it is a decision that you are okay with. I'm sure that you will get many other good suggestions. The right decision is the one that is right for you.
oh, i am so sorry, you are between a rock and a hard place, i agree with above, make sure there are "no regrets". I think sometimes we just have to let them be. that is who they are and no reflection on you. you can tell them you do not agree with their lifestyle but it is their life. they can choose to do it or not.
I have found (my mom smokes) that if you give people (especially older) a choice between their addiction and family, they will usually choose their addiction. sad but true. Again, i feel sorry you are going through this, but i think sometimes we feel if we make a stand it will change them (been there done that) and it doesn't. I just creates more tense situations and possibly less time together. Maybe just be gratefuly for the time you do have in the future toegther (?).
I am not talking about a "falling down drunk" or anything like that. I know there are "functioning alcoholics". They just drink pretty much all day every day. Most people don't know they are alcoholics, they seem to function fine. but take that booze out of there and the s***t will hit the fan. they will start shaking and all kinds of ugly stuff.
Anyway, again i am sorry, hope my little .02 helps.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
What you cannot change: Anyone Else.
What you can change: How you react to other people.
Lots of people have been down this road... especially with the alcoholism. You cannot make your dad stop drinking. You can try an intervention to try to convince him to stop. There are people out there who can assist in putting together an intervention. But remember a few points:
'
1. The drinking is but a symptom of the underlying problem. So just stopping drinking is really not enough.
2. The real problem is mental, physical, and spiritual. To achieve recovery, the solution should cover these bases as well.
3. Alcoholism is a family disease. YOU may not be an alcoholic and you may or may not drink, but you can bet your last dollar that alcoholism has profoundly affected the way you think, the way you behave, what you believe, and how your relate to others.
4. Because family members of alcoholics can be so profoundly affected by the disease, even if not drinking themselves, Al-Anon is often suggested as a 12-step program for the family members to find some recovery for themselves, even if the alcoholic is still drinking. That is, the family members are sick, too... not just the alcoholic. And it's one reason why so many marriages fall apart after the alcoholic stops drinking, especially if in recovery. The family itself is sick... the relationship between alcoholic and spouse is sick... if the alcoholic recovers and the spouse does not, then one is recovering while the other is not and pretty soon.... poof... too much stress for the marriage. The same can be said about the relationship between alcolholic and his children... another inherently sick relationship. If only the alcoholic recovers, the relationship itself may or may not flourish, but it will have a better chance if all affected parties are doing something in recovery. For themselves.
I could probably go on for a while, but that's probably enough to digest for now.
Hoosier_guy, you say that your parents have smoked and drank since their twenties and they are mid sixties now. Also, that their health has already deteriorated.
It is hard to say this, but their quiting drinking and smoking at this point in their lives will probably only extend their lives by maybe a few months. Unfortunately, most of the damage to their bodies has already been done. I apologize for having to say that.
My grandmother smoked from about the age of eight--behind the barn with her three older brothers. That would have been 1924. She became an alcoholic in her twenties. She quit smoking and mostly gave up booze (still had one drink a day) at the age of fifty (1966). She died at sixty--of cancer. It still makes me tear up to think of her dying so young.
I think HIF has a very good idea....meet at a restaurant for dinner. That way your children get to see their grandparents. Although you are thinking of your childrens best interests (not being in a smoky room and seeing lots of alcohol consumption) they may feel some resentment towards you after their grandparents are gone.
Also, could you meet out in a park for a picnic (in the spring, nicer weather). That way the smoke would disperse into the air. Maybe some museum trips, movie theaters, anything that would preclude smoking and drinking.
You ask: Please know that I love my parents deeply and my hope is that this tough love will show them how much I care, and that I want them around a long time. In my heart it comes down to, "what is more important? An alcohol or cigarette buzz...or time with your grandchildren?" Well, they have made the decision that it is alcohol and cigarettes. You can't control that.
If all the sibs won't stage an intervention, then I don't think that you and your brother's protests will have any impact.
How about, instead, have the family all get together at a restaurant for a late Thanksgiving lunch. The folks can't smoke, it will be too early to drink (in public, anyway, maybe....) Your kids will see the physical effects of their destructive behavior, so learn from your folks mistakes and they will also have the experience of a family thanksgiving. Your folks will get a taste of the grandkids and realize how their behavior is keeping them from spending the time that they have left with them. If you have to travel to do this, then invite the folks to a restaurant the next morning, before you head home.
It's frustrating, I know, BC my mom is an alcoholic and her sibs would never agree to an intervention. Now we all live close by one another and one sib doesn't see her BC she is a nasty drunk. The other sees her infrequently and my kids and I see her a couple times a week briefly, even though we live a few doors down. BC she can't smoke in our house, she has only been over three times this year and we only stop by for brief periods BC all she does is sit in her chair, drink, smoke and rant at CNN.
Now, Hoosier, I'm only giving you a suggestion. I also believe that your decision to have no contact is logical, as well, as long as it is a decision that you are okay with. I'm sure that you will get many other good suggestions. The right decision is the one that is right for you.
Sorry for the pain you're going through...thoughts and prayers go out to you.
One quick suggestion to add to this post: perhaps there is a restaurant you can go to, as a family, that doesn't serve alcoholic beverages? And of course, no smoking in restaurants. Best wishes to you & yours.
I doubt if you will be able to change your parents with tough love or anything else at this point. The only think you can do is protect your children and talk openly with them kids about what you don't like about their grandparents' behavior.
Your parents are adults and are free to pursue their own interests, even when they are self-destructive. Sometimes in situations like this the best thing we can do is love unconditionally. Your parents are going to die some day whether they smoke and drink or not. The only thing you have control over is how you deal with them in the meantime.
Oh Hoosier, my heart goes out to you. I know you are trying to do everything right. People with habits and addictions are hard to reach. You cant' change your parents, you can only change how you react to them. You can
meet them in a restaurant free of alcohol and cigarettes. An hour away from their addictions won't increase their lifespans but will make the visit more tolerable for you, your wife and children. Your parents had these addictions all along, don't expect them to understand a sudden boycott. I'm sorry.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
