Why can't I have guy friends? (jealous, spouse, male, attractive)
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Location: The western periphery of Terra Australis
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It's true that most men, if you are decent attractive, might see friendship as an opportunity, but many will soon realise that maybe you'd be better off as friends. And it's not PC, but some women just don't cut it physically but are fun to hang with, so they will often be friend-zoned. But exceptions don't disprove the idea that men and women can just be friends. There are millions of examples that DO prove this. I have female friends I have no romantic or sexual interest in whatsoever. Are you going to call me a liar? lol
It's true that most men, if you are decent attractive, might see friendship as an opportunity, but many will soon realise that maybe you'd be better off as friends. And it's not PC, but some women just don't cut it physically but are fun to hang with, so they will often be friend-zoned. But exceptions don't disprove the idea that men and women can just be friends. There are millions of examples that DO prove this. I have female friends I have no romantic or sexual interest in whatsoever. Are you going to call me a liar? lol
haha...nah not really. I've just never been able to have guy friends. real ones. And I don't get why.
I'm actually really curious about this and I've actually given up. But every single guy friend I've had always seems to want to be more. I've seen quite a few girls who have guy friends but whenever I make one, they become very invested in me and begin to want to hang out and often imply romance and a relationship.
I don't think there's anything wrong with hanging out, but it's that hanging out always seems to become something more than that. They want to pay for me, they want to drive me there, they want to do x,y,z so it becomes more like a subtle date. The moment I let them know I'm not attracted, however, the "friendship" usually comes to an end.
Anyone know why this is? Why can't I have guy friends?
You are just too intrinsically 'hot' to have guy 'friends'!
Oh the angst! . If they immediately 'red light' you after you let them know you are not attracted you need to look at this as they most likely don't want to endure the pain of being around such a lovely delightful quality woman and not being able to envision something more nor make you uncomfortable. Also it seems the ones you have 'hung out' with actually seem more driven to something else than just to 'hang out'. So perhaps that's a good thing.
While I totally understand a woman getting the "I'm not into you in the same way" off putting vibe. I don't get why they feel bad about it. Actually, if you stop and think about it, it runs historically to the best ways of finding a potential mate - spending time getting to know them and realizing the woman has excellent qualities that make the man think exceptionally highly of them to pursue. (Now, I will concede the woman needs to do due diligence in ensuring the man in question is not the devious player type i.e. sneaking in the back door relationship wise)
However, when one throws the unrealistic fantasy of Hollywood 'love at first sight' , 'meet cute stories', 'serendipity' et. al. out the window, most every emotionally mature woman longs for a man who grows to love a woman based upon the person she is in total - and which a man has had a chance to see and experience different activities and environments with over time.
So, you should toss the lament aside, and if you really want a guy friend, find one who is either gay or definitely easily understood to be outside the age range (I don't know how young you are) of a romantic relationship. Good luck
I've never had a male friendship where the male didn't think there was a minimal future possibility that it could turn into something else.
Don't upset yourself over this. It is a fact of life.
I think this is exactly why OP...once you have a "boyfriend", you will probably have more male friends that you see together, as they will then (probably) look at you as only a friend, and not someone they hope to become "more" with.
I've never had a male friendship where the male didn't think there was a minimal future possibility that it could turn into something else.
Don't upset yourself over this. It is a fact of life.
I've had very good male best friends and had some great memories that were quite hard to let go of. I have to admit, oftentimes, I'd pride myself on having great friendships with both genders. For many years I thought it was bogus that platonic relationships between the genders couldn't exist.
One of these was my roommate in college for years. He was best friends with my college boyfriend, he had a girlfriend throughout college and we had tons of people over all the time. Years later, when I moved to NYC and I found out he was working there as well, we met up a few times with a group of friends. Neither of us had a significant other, and I felt quite safe that I was hanging out with just a good friend. After a few drinks, he made a move and confessed to having had an attraction for years. For some idiotic reason I felt betrayed and hurt. In retrospect, I overreacted. It wasn't some sort of deep betrayal - it was simply an attraction.
Even once married, I kept some old male friends. On one visit back to Miami, I met up with an old friend. He prodded a bit about my marriage and said "If you tire of your husband or he steps out of line, just let me know. I'm always interested. And I'm fine with kids, by the way." (I had one son at the time.) That was the last time I met up with him. We obviously had a different idea of why we were meeting up.
So after many years and many friends, I am done thinking males are fine with being just friends. You can have a friendship for years and that possibility will always exist for a guy who has an interest.
Now, about the men who don't want any type of friendship if you're not interested: they probably don't want to have to suppress an attraction. Be considerate of this and enjoy developing friendships with women
And even though knowing that the men wanted you, you were fine being 'friends'?
And even though knowing that the men wanted you, you were fine being 'friends'?
That question is where I struggle. I don't consider it a real friendship if I know or sense the other person likes me. I feel like my actions lead them on especially because I'm someone who likes hanging out one on one...going to the movies or hanging out at their house, I feel, can give them false hope.
I gave up all my male friends when I married, and not because my husband asked me to, but because when I told each and every one of them that I was getting married, they each and every one of them told me that they were upset because they had "plans for me" or wanted to be my boyfriend or whatever. A few even felt they had more right to marry me than my husband, like they had some "claim" over me or whatever, since they had "put more time in" than my husband had. ??
AWKWARD. I mean... some of the guys had been my friends (or so I thought) for years. Some were my age, some were older. And they wait until I announce I'm getting married to finally let me know they wanted to be more than friends? What the heck is wrong with these people? I had only known my husband for three months before he popped the question.
Anyway, knowing then that they weren't really hanging out with me simply because they wanted to be my friend, but were waiting or planning or hoping for something more, I pretty much dumped them all and I haven't made any new guy friends since. Acquaintances via school and work are hard to avoid, but I do not pursue friendships with men at all.
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