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Old 04-05-2013, 02:43 PM
 
2,764 posts, read 4,119,585 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by fleetiebelle View Post
If you're in the wedding, you're going to be invited to the rehearsal dinner, since you're going to be at the wedding rehearsal, no?

not typically

And if you're that worried about the bachelor party, call or email the best man and ask if there's anything you can do to help plan. If he acts cagey, you'll know where you stand, or he might say that he hasn't thought about it at all.
Ive been an usher two other times.
Neither time I was invited to the rehearsal dinner.
Ushers don't typically get invited to rehearsal dinners.
And with a wedding party 8 deep on each side, it is already getting expensive.

I am assuming I wont be at rehearsal dinner, as per my above comments.
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Old 04-05-2013, 03:00 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,864 posts, read 17,168,787 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by anifani821 View Post
I have been in weddings in the past where everyone at the rehearsal absolutely was NOT invited to the rehearsal dinner, I suppose to save on the cost of the meal.

I have seen the rehearsal dinner limited to family and the groomsmen and bridesmaids only, leaving out the minister, organist, children who may be flower girl/ring bearer, ushers, honorary attendants, etc.

So no, just b/c you are at the rehearsal, it doesn't mean you are going to automatically be extended an invite to the rehearsal dinner.

The wedding is paid for (traditionally) by the Bride's family. The rehearsal dinner is paid for by the Groom's family. That means the invitee list is at the discretion of the Groom's family and if cost is a factor, the attendee list might end up being chopped, lol. Also, the type of venue may determine how many people can even be accommodated.
That is really tacky (to strictly limit the rehearsal dinner to only the "important attendants"). Not only are all of those "extra people" by tradition supposed to be invited to the rehearsal dinner but usually out of town guests are invited as well (as an example, all of those aunts & uncles who flew 2,000 miles to attend the wedding).

Heck, sometimes the bride's parents are shelling out $25,000 or $50,000 for the wedding itself and the groom's parents can't afford an extra $20 or $25 to pay for an usher or the ministers dinner, cheap, cheap, cheap!

If the groom's parents can't afford it find a cheaper place for the dinner or just have coffee and cake at the church or at someone's house after the rehearsal.

Last edited by germaine2626; 04-05-2013 at 03:19 PM..
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Old 04-05-2013, 03:33 PM
 
13,132 posts, read 20,685,110 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626 View Post
That is really tacky (to strictly limit the rehearsal dinner to only the "important attendants"). Not only are all of those "extra people" by tradition supposed to be invited to the rehearsal dinner but usually out of town guests are invited as well (as an example, all of those aunts & uncles who flew 2,000 miles to attend the wedding).

Heck, sometimes the bride's parents are shelling out $25,000 or $50,000 for the wedding itself and the groom's parents can't afford an extra $20 or $25 to pay for an usher or the ministers dinner, cheap, cheap, cheap!

If the groom's parents can't afford it find a cheaper place for the dinner or just have coffee and cake at the church or at someone's house after the rehearsal.
You assume too much. When our eldest son got married to the bride from hell, we were fully prepared to host a rehearsal dinner for all invitees. Until we got word from the bride's family that the venue had been selected, and the total bill would have rivaled the wedding dinner. The bride spent in excess of $30,000 just on flowers for the wedding, and we were not, in any way, willing or able to play that game. So, we had a sit down dinner at the restaurant she chose, limited to the wedding party, their SO's, parents, grandparents, godparents, and the minister. Our out-of-town guests were provided with a buffet meal and open bar at our hotel. We were not consulted at all as to our budget, so we just did what we were comfortable with, much to the disgust of the bride's family.

You have two families trying to find some common ground at these weddings, and it isn't always possible.
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Old 04-05-2013, 03:43 PM
 
Location: Coastal New Jersey
55,519 posts, read 54,115,978 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626 View Post
That is really tacky (to strictly limit the rehearsal dinner to only the "important attendants"). Not only are all of those "extra people" by tradition supposed to be invited to the rehearsal dinner but usually out of town guests are invited as well (as an example, all of those aunts & uncles who flew 2,000 miles to attend the wedding).

Heck, sometimes the bride's parents are shelling out $25,000 or $50,000 for the wedding itself and the groom's parents can't afford an extra $20 or $25 to pay for an usher or the ministers dinner, cheap, cheap, cheap!

If the groom's parents can't afford it find a cheaper place for the dinner or just have coffee and cake at the church or at someone's house after the rehearsal.
^^^
Good suggestion. When I got married, my husband's father had been dead nearly 20 years, and his mother had no more money than what she earned as a PT aide to support herself. Plus, she and most of his siblings had to fly into our state for our wedding. I didn't expect them to host some fancy rehearsal dinner.

Instead, my husband and I made big trays of lasagne with salad and bread and desserts and since my mom's house could hold more people than our apartment, we all went back there to eat after the rehearsal. Both families were there plus the wedding party people who weren't family.
***********
I think the OP should reach out to the best man and ask outright about the bachelor party. If he isn't supposed to be invited, he can then decide if he wants to back out of the usher duties. It might turn out that the best man hasn't gotten around to doing any planning yet, in which case it could be a good kick in the ass, and maybe the OP can help him out.
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Old 04-05-2013, 04:21 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mattie View Post
You assume too much. When our eldest son got married to the bride from hell, we were fully prepared to host a rehearsal dinner for all invitees. Until we got word from the bride's family that the venue had been selected, and the total bill would have rivaled the wedding dinner. The bride spent in excess of $30,000 just on flowers for the wedding, and we were not, in any way, willing or able to play that game. So, we had a sit down dinner at the restaurant she chose, limited to the wedding party, their SO's, parents, grandparents, godparents, and the minister. Our out-of-town guests were provided with a buffet meal and open bar at our hotel. We were not consulted at all as to our budget, so we just did what we were comfortable with, much to the disgust of the bride's family.

You have two families trying to find some common ground at these weddings, and it isn't always possible.
Oops, I forgot about "brides from hell" and out of town events. I was just thinking about rational people doing rational things.

BTW My rehearsal dinner was my MIL & FIL baking & serving frozen pizzas for everyone at my fiancé's apartment. It was a great party and everyone had a wonderful time.
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Old 04-05-2013, 05:07 PM
 
Location: East of the Mississippi and South of Bluegrass
4,452 posts, read 3,725,398 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AverageGuy2006 View Post
<snip>

To my issue:
A friend of about 13 years now asked me to be an usher. I was a little dissappointed in usher status vs groomsmen, but it is his day, and I am happy to be involved. Turns out he has 8 groomsmen I think. He claims when he asked me to usher, he didnt realize that meant I wasnt actually 'standing'.
This is all fine, as I assumed we would have a great time celebrating his marriage, and bachelor party, and friendship.

<snip>

Mind you, the truth is, this 13 year friendship is mostly based on college days, and the occasional post college bar type hang out. We very seldom do actual 'friend' activities. More just drinking buddies mostly.

<snip>

If I decide to back out of ushering, I wont ghost on my friend, as I will probably call him around tux fitting time and just say something to the affect of, "Sorry guy, I can't usher. I feel bad, but with my health issues, and everything, I will have to pass. Thanks for the honor of requesting my inclusion."

You may ask, how good a friend is this?
I set him up with a job years ago. I have given him copies of cd's i thought were good. Typical 'friend' type behavior. Him, outside of inviting me to social events (typcially boozing) he really behaves as nothing more than a drinking buddy. (he even turned down me askin for a couple hours of his time to help me move not too long ago)

What do I do? Do I swallow my feelings, and let this guy kind of use me? He has many friends and family, as a replacement for an usher shouldnt be a big deal. Or, he could even have a groomsman pick up the slack. Anyone who has been in a wedding should know how it works.

Should I even be insulted here? At this point, I dont expect to be invited to the bachelor party, and any guy knows that this is a huge insult, and basically means the groom doesn't consider you a friend.
If you and he seldom do friend activities...

Personally, whether I was going to be invited to the bachelor party or not, I would graciously bow out...without speaking of my health issues.

As we get older and more experienced in our lives and our relationships I think we are better able to separate the wheat from the chaff. A real friend in all likelihood is available when we need them...even in emergencies, let alone moving.

In the long run when we as individuals swallow our feelings...over a lifetime it can build resentment and it can turn some people bitter.

Honestly...I do not believe you are as insulted as much as you are hurt and I think after reading your summary of the relationship you are right to feel this way...just my humble view on the matter.

Quote:
Originally Posted by another_hot-day View Post
Given how you feel, you should call and cancel now. Don't wait tilll tux time.
Thanks another_hot-day, simply and eloquently put...after all my rhetoric.

Good luck in coming to a decision concerning this issue, I hope it all works out for you at no expense financially or otherwise to you.

Best regards, sincerely

HomeIsWhere...
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Old 04-05-2013, 09:34 PM
 
Location: Loudon, TN
5,613 posts, read 4,745,056 times
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I think you might be getting ahead of the best man and his party plans. Not many guys plan parties, and I think that 3 months ahead might be too early for him to be thinking of inviting people. If you see the best man frequently, I would just ask him if he's gotten his airline tickets yet for Vegas. I think he might not have thought about the fact that people might think it's getting "late". Don't get hasty and back out over hurt feelings that might just be premature.
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Old 04-06-2013, 07:56 AM
 
3,751 posts, read 7,460,094 times
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You are right- I would totally be out - but cancel now - dont even bother waiting - that gives him the time to get a replacement.
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Old 04-06-2013, 11:16 PM
 
Location: Coastal New Jersey
55,519 posts, read 54,115,978 times
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At any rate, this is hardly an "extreme moral dilemma". An extreme moral dilemma would be do you kill your spouse to save your children, or do you speak up for a segment of society that's being oppressed by those in power if it may threaten your life, not a silly matter about whether or not you want to continue as an usher in a wedding.
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Old 04-06-2013, 11:43 PM
 
12,544 posts, read 12,452,747 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AverageGuy2006 View Post
This is where it gets tricky. The wedding is in July, and I have had no word on a bachelor party.
Probably because most bachelor parties take place a weekend or two before the wedding, so whoever is organizing it is probably thinking he has plenty of time. Also, just because there was talk of a "Vegas bachelor party," that doesn't mean it will actually happen, especially if they've waited this long. It might just be something at the local steakhouse followed by a few at a strip joint or something, in which case they probably aren't going to even plan it until later this month. If you're curious, just ask the best man.
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