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But let me ask you this: You couldn't have taken over for your wife while she spoke with her distraught mother? When I was married, I received a few calls at bad times while I was in the kitchen, and my ex-husband just handed me the phone and took over what I was doing. Maybe you should take a cooking class, because no meal, not even one that involves roux, cannot be a team effort.
So TracySam, you cannot fathom that someone could ever legitimitely need immediate emotional support? I am much like you and process grief internally. But this doesn't make someone like the OPs MIL mentally ill. It makes her sensitive. I said before that I'm not a pet lover and I'm also not a sensitive person, but that doesn't mean I can't show compassion to someone in that situation. I would have dropped everything, let the chicken burn and driven over to comfort my mother in a situation like this.
Not me. As an adult, to expect others to drop everything and run to you to offer support for an emotional issue is a sign that a person has some emotional dysregulation problems.
If her dog had JUST been hit by a car, and she was at the emergency vet center and JUST told that her dog had to be immediately put down, then maybe I'd chose to "drop everything" and let my dinner burn. But I'm not reading that the "emergency" with the pet was that emergent. Most of us have a few days to decide about euthanasia.
I have a heart, but I also expect adults to act like respectful adults and not infants.
I would be so focussed on my pet at the time, that I wouldn't even have the time or energy to start calling people.
Abnother indicator of the mother's immaturity was that she cursed out the son-in-law when she didn't immediately get her emotional needs met.
Last edited by Tracysherm; 04-15-2013 at 12:57 PM..
So, my mother in law calls last week. I'm closest to the phone and pick up. My mother in law is on the other end, and asks to speak to my spouse. I ask her if she can take the call, and she is unable to do so - she is fixing dinner and is at a critical part of the meal where if she gets distracted by the phone, dinner will be ruined.
I tell mother in law she can't take the call as she is fixing dinner right now but will give her a call back. Mother in law says, no, i need to talk to her, this is an emergency. I tell her I said she'd giver her a call back as soon as she can, but she can't take the call.
Mother in law curses at me then, and I hang up.
Turns out, the "emergency" was her animal had a medical issue and they were going to have to put the animal down. Important and urgent, but not an emergency. And clearly nothing that couldn't wait 1 to 2 minutes.
So, is it appropriate that I got cursed at because my spouse refused to take the call? And how would you respond?
Cold dead silence served up with a follow up of more cold dead silence. She'd make the first move before I'd talk to her again.
Aye. Sure, she was wrong to cuss at you. But as anyone who has ever had a sick pet or faced the awful decision of euthanasia can attest, it can be devastating.
In your MIL's shoes, I would have just told you what was going on both because you would be family to me and so you could relay the information to my daughter so that she calls back. Heck, if it was going to be just another minute or two, I'd have kept you on the line while I waited. That's just me. Likewise, if it was my MIL, I would have kept her on the line and talked to her. I'd ask if there's anything I could help with.
But let me ask you this: You couldn't have taken over for your wife while she spoke with her distraught mother? When I was married, I received a few calls at bad times while I was in the kitchen, and my ex-husband just handed me the phone and took over what I was doing. Maybe you should take a cooking class, because no meal, not even one that involves roux, cannot be a team effort.
Exactly. Did you or your wife determine she could not take the call right then? If someone told me they had an emergency, that would mean everything would take a back set until I found out what it was. Maybe your MIL was upset at your high handedness in telling her that her emergency was less important than your dinner.
Yes, I agree that it was an emotional emergency and that I blew it off.
She's had three or four emotional emergencies in the last few years. They've all been non-emergencies. Twice have involved her waking us up in the middle of the night and having us do something to solve an anxiety of hers. The third emergency resolved itself before the call could be returned.
What she calls emergencies are when her anxiety levels shoot up to uncontrollable levels, and she needs to talk to her children or have them do something to assauage her fears/ concerns/anxiety. And she has to talk to them right now and everyone has to drop what they are doing, or we get cursed at. I wish she'd get help with it, but she refuses and says she manages fine.
I don't think it's healthy, and as a family of our own, I don't like us having to have dinner ruined because of a panic attack that someone else is having. Maybe I am a jerk, but I've grown tired at the false alarms and her unwillingness to deal with her anxiety.
Three or four of these instances in the past few years????? That translates into one maybe every six months. Big deal. It is your wife's MOTHER. Make allowances. Sorry, but I'll have to agree that you are being a jerk.
That's why I like you, Fleetie. You're so practical!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Book Lover 21
So TracySam, you cannot fathom that someone could ever legitimitely need immediate emotional support? I am much like you and process grief internally. But this doesn't make someone like the OPs MIL mentally ill. It makes her sensitive. I said before that I'm not a pet lover and I'm also not a sensitive person, but that doesn't mean I can't show compassion to someone in that situation. I would have dropped everything, let the chicken burn and driven over to comfort my mother in a situation like this.
Jeez people, have a heart.
And besides, how was the mother supposed to know the wife was in the middle of cooking dinner?
Yeah, maybe being woken up for a melt-down would get annoying--if it happened a lot, which is not the case here, it seems.
And not for nothing, if my SO's mother called his house and I answered and she sounded upset about something, after the initial "OMG, are you okay?" I'd tell my SO to get his butt on the phone and talk to her. Not to get all dramatic or anything, but one day, there won't be any calls from the parents at all. This is one of those things that people look back on with regret when someone passes.
Three or four of these instances in the past few years????? That translates into one maybe every six months. Big deal. It is your wife's MOTHER. Make allowances. Sorry, but I'll have to agree that you are being a jerk.
Post back when you need to deal with three or four emotional emergencies every week or two(including ones in the middle of the night) and I may be a little more sympathetic.
Not me. As an adult, to expect others to drop everything and run to you to offer support for an emotional issue is a sign that a person has some emotional dysregulation problems.
If her dog had JUST been hit by a car, and she was at the emergency vet center and JUST told that her dog had to be immediately put down, then maybe I'd chose to "drop everything" and let my dinner burn. But I'm not reading that the "emergency" with the pet was that emergent. Most of us have a few days to decide about euthanasia.
I have a heart, but I also expect adults to act like respectful adults and not infants.
I would be so focussed on my pet at the time, that I wouldn't even have the time or energy to start calling people.
Abnother indicator of the mother's immaturity was that she cursed out the son-in-law when she didn't immediately get her emotional needs met.
He was told it was an emergency and was more concerned with dinner! He did not know what it was about. He found out later.
Is he too stupid to finish making dinner? You can tell he always puts himself before others.
One call a year, in the middle of the night means nothing. It is not a symptom of anything.
Cursing at him is not a sign of immaturity. It was frustration with an idiot.
If my mother called my sister and my brother in law acted like that I would hurt him. It is not his call to decide what an emergency is. To his MIL it was important and that is what matters.
The phone call, in the beginning, did not indicate an emergency. It sounded like a normal phone call. "Hello, I would liek to speak with [your spouse]. Normal tone of voice, nothing that sounded amiss. I brought her the phone, and tried to hand it to her. She stated that she could not take the call.
It was only after I relayed the fact that she was not able to take the call did the fact it was an ermegency come out. But even at that point, the nature of the ermegency was not stated. As soon as I found out that it was an emergency, I told her that my spouse would call her back in a minute or two.
Last edited by cedar_bluff_tree_farm; 04-15-2013 at 04:33 PM..
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