Should I get involved. SIL upsetting my mother. (wife, husband, siblings)

[fallingwater]

So I cant sleep thinking about all the crap going on in my family. I am seeking advice from those of you that know how to deal with a dysfunctional family and understand how mentally draining it can be. I have a hard time getting along with my siblings. We all have our baggage from our crappy upbringing but we seem to be dealing with it differently. My sister and brother are cut from the same cloth. Both are hot tempered, high strung and dont have a clue on how to treat people properly. Go for the jugular types even in minor disagreements or difference of opinions. 6 yrs ago a job relocation took my husband and I out of state. I will be honest, its been nice. I really needed to get away from everyone. I used to visit my mother often and sometimes I would see my sister as well. Sometimes the visits are good and sometimes they are horrible. Its pretty much one or the other. I started distancing myself a while ago. I got tired of the 4 hr drive contemplating whether or not it was gonna be a mistake when I got there. Mom tends to travel here now. So by distancing myself has pretty much put me on the outside, so stepping in feels awkward.

For the most part I stay out of it. My sister is always has something going on. Another divorce, she isnt speaking to her grown children for months and so on and so on. I usually leave that alone. My mom calls to vent since she lives close to my siblings and has to hear all about their latest woes (which they bring on themselves 99% of the time). I know it drains her, now that she is older and she will come to visit me as a means of escape. I wish she could move here but that wont happen. Now a new drama has unfolded that is putting my mother in a bad spot and I feel I need to step in. It involves my brother whom I dont speak to very often. I saw him in passing about a year ago and only talked to him in text about a medical procedure my mother had last week. Pretty much we dont talk and I really dont even know his kids anymore. I got tired of trying and after I moved, he seemed okay with our growing emotional distance. Also, his friends and hobbies always came first and that is how he is in his marriage as well. I also havent talked to my SIL in a really long time. She is on my FB and once in a blue moon she will like something I post but that is it. She and I never were close. She has prickly personality.

So anyway...my brother and SIL are not getting along which honestly is nothing new. The relationship has never been good. They have been married for about 10 yrs now but lived together for 10 yrs before that. Its been a long and turbulent relationship. He has cheated on her many times including a week before their wedding. They fight constantly and its brutal to be around them. So my mom called me crying saying that my SIL told her that she wants a divorce and has seen a lawyer. Apparently at this point my brother doesnt know. My mom is upset that my SIL is telling her this stuff while my brother is supposedly in the dark on all of it. Now I am not sure I completely believe that is true but then again they toss out the word divorce so much that he actually may be completely blind sided that my SIL is taking action. My mom is somewhat passive and is afraid if she tells my SIL not to tell her this stuff she wont let her see the kids. On the flip side she is torn because now she feels she is involved in some sort of secret against my brother. I am ticked off that my SIL is putting my mom in this position. I also think that maybe my SIL telling my mom all this crap is a manipulative way for my mom to spill the beans to my brother so she wont have to.

My mom has serious medical problems and her getting upset is not good for her. Just this minor surgery she had a week ago needed the approval of her 4 doctors. She actually needs a more involved surgery but no one wants to take the risk, so they do what they can for her to keep her healthy. For whatever reasons my siblings dont seem to take this stuff seriously which really irks me because they both work in the medical profession. They are so involved in themselves that they dont even think about dumping on my mom about their dysfunctional lives and now my SIL is doing it. My mom told my SIL that she needs to speak to my brother but my SIL waved her off and said he wont listen and she is done with the marriage. I feel I need to call up my SIL and basically tell her to stop her crap but then I'm not sure how this is going to affect everything. My mom may get upset I called up my SIL. Or maybe I should just call up my brother? Then again, I dont want to be responsible for some huge blow out. I mean, I understand that I am not personally responsible for another person's actions but I dont exactly want to be the person that sets the fuse. My brother and SIL have had physical altercations in the past. If my brother is truly in the dark, this may set him off getting a call from me. Even though he is not very family oriented, I know he would completely lose his temper if he thought his wife was upsetting our mom.

I dont know where I should even step in but my mother's welfare is my biggest concern at this point. Suggestions?

[CSD610]

All your Mother has to do is tell the sister in law that she does not want to be privy to any personal information regarding their marriage and hang up the phone. It will make the sister in law very angry however, the problem should be solved fairly quickly if your Mother continues to do this each time the sister in law calls. IF the sister in law visits and wants to start blah blahing about it all your Mother has to do is state once again she does not want to be involved or hear it and change the subject. IF the sister in law insists on continue to spew your Mother can tell her to leave. Otherwise she will continue to be told these things and then get blamed if/when your brother finds out.

Personally I would not call your brother and tell him anything because that will put your Mother in the absolute middle and fuel the fire so to speak that the sister in law has raging for everyone it seems at the moment. If possible have your Mother come and stay with you for an extended time just to help her relax and recover in peace.

[Inkpoe]

Just leave it alone and encourage your mother to do the same. Its their marriage, their business; let it unfold the way it will. SIL may not even go through with it. If she doesn't go through with it, your mother is going to be in the hot seat for "interfering". Its hard enough trying to convince a person to change their behavior. If your mom can't leave it alone and the whole thing goes ahead, then you can expect a barrage of calls from everyone when the flamefest is going down. I get that you're concerned for your mother's welfare, but even by being passive your mother is being complicit.

[brokensky]

I get the feeling that if your mom doesn't listen to your SIL, then there will be hell to pay. You said SIL might stop your mom from seeing the grandkids. This indicates to me that your mother must feel that way b/c of things that have happened in the past, and that SIL punishes anyone who she feels is not 100% on her side of everything -- she must be a very "black and white" person - either you are with her or she demonizes you and punishes you.

WIth that in mind, it seems to me that the only person who can stop this is your mother. Here is why. If you call up your SIL and even attempt to suggest she back off w/ dumping on your mom, then she is going to still take it out on your mother. She is just going to turn it around that your mother is the problem -- even if she jumps on you and gets angry with you.

So . . . the only way your mom is going to be able to handle this is just to avoid her daughter in law as much as possible, including phone conversations. If she has to answer the phone (b/c I suspect your SIL is the rager type who would just show up at mom's house if mom avoids the phone) . . . then she should just keep saying stuff like - I am praying for you (especially if this will make SIL mad) and that she feels so sick right now, she has to go back to bed - just can't talk. She is going to have to use every technique she knows to diffuse things so she doesn't have to listen to the crap. This will take some innovation on her part.

Also, I would just mention . . . if SIL is the type to use the kids as punishment and as a weapon, this IS going to happen sooner or later, no matter what mother does today. You know what I mean? Eventually, no one can continually walk on eggshells without a slip up and who knows what will set SIL off . . . so eventually, it will happen . . . no matter how hard your mother tries to appease your SIL.

So might as well just avoid as much upset and drama NOW -- and if that means the grandkids get quarantined from their grandmother -- that is just how it will be. However, I bet as soon as your SIL needs a babysitter, the kids will suddenly be back into your mom's life.

I am sorry you are dealing with this but as others have said . . . I don't see your inserting yourself into this, regardless of how well-meaning your intentions . . . I don't see it as helping even a little bit.

And your mom needs to make sure she does not mention a thing about this to your brother . . . I am sure he is fully aware what a volatile person he is married to. It may be all threats and talk.

[Dollydo]

Believe it or not, deep down some people enjoy being included in the drama, and, then complaining about it, it is a toxic cycle.

Your mother, who knows, however, there are many good books out there about toxic relationships and setting bounderies. Amazon has a host of used books that can be purchased for pennies on the dollar. Perhaps you can purchase a few, read them and share them with your mother. If I were you, I would keep my nose out of it, I would also tell mom that I don't want to hear about it, if she starts, either attempt to change the subject or end the conversation. These are learned behaviors that can be changed.

[PA2UK]

Originally Posted by fallingwater

My mom may get upset I called up my SIL.

Then don't do it. I can understand wanting to shield your mom from all this but if getting involved is only going to create more drama and get her more upset, why would you do that?

Alternatively, why don't you just ASK your mom if she would like you to talk to your SIL or brother about it? Even if she says no, at least you made her aware that the offer is open. I realize she has health problems but she's an adult and deserves to be treated as such - if she wants or needs your help, she can let you know.

[strawberrykiki]

I would stay out of it. I wouldn't like anyone upsetting my mom either, but I think you getting involved will only make things worse. Your mom is an adult and she can make the decision to tell your brother what's going on or tell SIL to stop involving her in their business.

[oddstray]

I agree, you need to stay out of it.

If all this drama is really taking a toll on your mom's health, then your mom's health-care professionals need to tell the family to back off. But not you - it's not your issue to fix in any way, shape, or form.

[Kayela]

I think the best thing you can do is try to keep your mom calm, and reassure her that she is not now, nor ever, responsible for their train wreck of a marriage. Engaging your SIL will assuredly only bring down more drama on your mom. I know it probably has you fuming (it would me), but there's absolutely nothing constructive that can come out of it. Give your mom the gift of your calm presence, and let her take pleasure in your company - it may feel like frustratingly little, but that's more than anyone else in your family can give her.

[fallingwater]

Thanks everyone for the advice. To answer a few questions. My mom watches my brother and SIL's kids a two days a week. There is time gap between work schedules so my mom chips in. There is where she sees my SIL alone and where my SIL is providing all this pending divorce info. I just think its crappy that my SIL is giving my mom all these details and not telling my brother first. Those two are the ones that are married to each other.

My SIL's personality is hard to describe. I've known her a little over 20 yrs and honestly still cant completely figure her out. I guess the best way to say she is hot and cold. She can be incredibly kind and then just nasty in the next minute. I think the reason my mom feels she will be cut off is due to several factors. When the kids were small my SIL spent a lot of time with her family that lives about 40 miles away. She actually wanted to move closer to them but my brother refused. This was in the beginning of their marriage and pretty much what my brother wants, he gets so my SIL agreed to live in our hometown (unhappily). So my SIL would spend most of her time with her family. My mom didnt get to see the kids much then. My SIL worked part time then and would get off work, take the kids and stay at her parents house, sometimes for a few days. My mom would ask about spending time with the kids but the schedule was always full with doing things with her side. She has told my mom that if she divorces my brother she will move closer to her parents. So I think that is why my mom freaks out that if this divorce actually happens, my SIL will pretty much cut everyone off.

Secondly, my SIL does play games when she doesnt get her way. Awhile back my SIL needed to do something after work and asked my mom to help the kids with homework. My mom is in her 70's and its been a while since she sat down and worked on school work. Apparently she helped one of the children and the assignment was done wrong. The kids are in elementary school so it wasn't a major issue but my SIL took it that way. When my mom arrived the next day, my SIL informed my mom that she didnt do the homework right. My mom said she didnt realize. My SIL then proceeded to say something along the lines of her not being very smart when it comes to academics. This is what I mean where my SIL just get nasty. She has no verbal filter. This hurt mother feelings because basically she felt my SIL was telling her she was stupid. So then next day my SIL told my mom the kids had homework. My mom said it might be best that she not help with the homework again. My SIL acted surprised and asked why. This is what I mean about her being hot and cold. So this ticked off my SIL and for the next two weeks had a friend babysit instead of my mom. So at times its like you cant win with her. She has done similar things to me at times. She will say something incredibly rude and becomes shocked when you get offended.

I also found out that a week ago everyone went to a cousin's baby shower (I couldnt go). My SIL told several of my cousins (whom we only see when there is a wedding, funeral, shower etc) that she is filing for divorce. So apparently she is getting the word out and telling everyone but my brother. So maybe this is her way of letting it travel through to the grapevine back to my brother. It is all so damn stupid. I did advise my mom to tell my SIL she doesnt want to hear the details until my brother knows of her plans, she said she will but I know mom is edge.