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Old 05-06-2013, 06:58 AM
 
43 posts, read 49,180 times
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I recently lost a great platonic friend. We spent a lot of time together, introduced me to many new things, and offered to help me get over a lot of social problems I had, and offered to be my mentor. Things were awesome until recently.

She made a lot of new friends and begun to hang out with them a lot more, and I started to feel left out. After awhile, despite hearing about her having tons of fun experiences with her new friends and keeping in contact with them, she always said she didn't have time when I asked to meet up/hang out/whatever. After a few arguments, we blew up at each other, and I cried while explaining how abandoned I felt.

She laid out everything for me as far as why we had a rift (she got busy, made new friends, felt I was getting clingy), and she told me she still cares, wants to be my friend/mentor and wouldn't have heard me out if she didn't feel that way. The thing is....I feel she doesn't show it despite saying it. We rarely talk (whereas we used to talk all the time, and when we talk, Its laconic and Im the enabler....when she actually replies), she never messages me (not even to say "Hi"), and I cant remember the last time she invited me out to hang out with her or her friends. I'm starting to wonder if she even wants to be friends anymore. I barely even want to interact with her anymore, yet at the same time, I want to be friends again.

It's driving me nuts. I had a huge emotional crash over it a few weeks ago and I had to stay home for a week. Despite finding new activities and making new friends, I still can't get her off my mind and It's starting to really get me depressed. It makes me mope around and feel completely unmotivated to do anything else. I just feel unhappy.

I just want to be over this BS, move on and quit feeling like **** over the situation. What can I do?
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Old 05-06-2013, 11:25 AM
 
3,492 posts, read 4,951,694 times
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be over this BS, move on and quit feeling like **** over the situation.

Do exactly what you said. She is no longer your friend. She intends to move on, and she just doesn't want to feel the guilt from being honest about it. She doesn't have time because she has other things that she would rather do. The number of hours in the day are still the same. Better to just walk away from the relationship.

Pick something new to put your effort into and stop thinking about her. You'll feel better in a while.
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Old 05-06-2013, 12:42 PM
 
Location: Central US
202 posts, read 411,676 times
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REPLACEMENT. Replacement is great therapy for loosing someone. I know it is not easy to find a new friend to match her but think of the task as a challenge and that it will be fun and exciting.

Get out there in the social world and be friends with people. Best way to make friends is to be a friend.

Meet new people any chance you get and anyway you can think of. It will work! Try it. You'll like it.
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Old 05-06-2013, 12:52 PM
 
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As time passes it gets easier but yes, I know how you feel, not knowing more than what you posted. I lost a really close platonic friend with really no closure, just completely cut off. I knew this friend as a close friend for about a decade. I still get upset thinking about it, but have some good ideas as to why. I have to move on and find other newer friends. As time passes, it gets easier. Find something else positive to focus on.
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Old 05-06-2013, 02:25 PM
 
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See a therapist. You need help managing relationships. It sounds like you had this woman at the center of your social life, and that's not fair to anyone.

I have a buddy who "mentored" another one of our friends who had some social problems and a few other mental health issues. That mentoring, however, was contingent upon him getting help from a professional and not putting everything on my buddy. He took responsibility for his problems and worked on his own self-improvement very diligently. Today he lives in his own apartment with a woman he will likely marry.

I could be wrong, but you don't sound like you've done much to work on yourself besides investing in this friendship. If you fill your time with other things, make some new friends and see a therapist about your problems, you have a chance of restarting this friendship - otherwise, not so much.
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Old 05-06-2013, 04:27 PM
 
793 posts, read 1,287,296 times
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Why don't you write a letter and explain how you feel - BUT don't send the letter. Just get the feelings "out there" in the letter. Get it all out. The good, the bad and the ugly

After a few days, re-read the letter, maybe re-write it.

The point is to get all your feelings out there so that you can see them.

I've had this happen to me too. It probably happens to all of us at one point.

It's ok to hurt and be sad. A friendship break up is as bad or worse than a romantic break up.

Good luck!
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Old 05-06-2013, 07:08 PM
 
Location: In my skin
9,048 posts, read 14,314,364 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JrzDefector View Post
See a therapist. You need help managing relationships. It sounds like you had this woman at the center of your social life, and that's not fair to anyone.

I have a buddy who "mentored" another one of our friends who had some social problems and a few other mental health issues. That mentoring, however, was contingent upon him getting help from a professional and not putting everything on my buddy. He took responsibility for his problems and worked on his own self-improvement very diligently. Today he lives in his own apartment with a woman he will likely marry.

I could be wrong, but you don't sound like you've done much to work on yourself besides investing in this friendship. If you fill your time with other things, make some new friends and see a therapist about your problems, you have a chance of restarting this friendship - otherwise, not so much.
I agree with this. If it is consuming you, it's not healthy.

It could be my age (in my 40's) and it took me a long time to get here, but when someone doesn't make the time for me, I accept that and proceed accordingly. You can't make someone feel something they don't.
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Old 05-06-2013, 08:36 PM
NDL
 
Location: Gaston County
3,185 posts, read 3,641,333 times
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j3tpowered:

I know how you feel, for I have gone through this myself. I wish, however, that the person would've been honest in explaining their feelings toward me. They acted as though everything was fine, although they changed in their behavior toward me.

On the other hand...

There have been times when I have mentored someone myself. Mentoring even a great person takes a lot of time and energy. Someone who's mentoring another individual is usually someone who's selfless. You might not have been the only person they mentored, and they may have felt that they were being pulled in all directions. Even the most dynamic of people get worn out.

Conclusion: Even though you might be a really great person (and I am sure you are ), sometimes people overextend themselves, and they need a "break" to recoup their strength. This is no reflection upon you.

Think about it: you yourself might get tired at times, because you're human. It might be that your mentor got tired too, and needs some time to regroup.

Again, this is no reflection upon you . Let them rest up, and when they're back to themselves, your friendship will resume.
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Old 05-07-2013, 10:14 AM
 
43 posts, read 49,180 times
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Thank you for the replies. I'm sure once I make some new friends and find more things to do, I'll get over this loss. The depression is hard to deal with (2 weeks it was emotional anguish), but I'm sure it will pass. I spent the weekend with a new friend and several new acquaintances that seem to enjoy my company (meeting up with her again for dinner and a movie at my place), so things are looking up. As hard as it is, maybe I should stop dwelling on what seems to be lost and focus more on what can be gained.

It just sucks seeing her show other people (including mutual friends) so much more care, affection and attention to them, while she blatantly acts like I don't exist. Makes me wonder why she has told me "we're still friends and I care" and gets rather defensive when I question the status of our mentor/pupil relationship.

Also, a few friends have recommended me some herbal remedies to help me get out of this depression slump (I go in and out of these time to time, and I don't want prescribed meds screwing me up and messing with my head/thoughts). Any info on 5-HTP, St Johns Wort and SAMe?
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Old 05-07-2013, 07:19 PM
 
Location: Mountain View, CA
1,152 posts, read 2,850,227 times
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I can totally relate. There was a time in my life when one of my best friends basically flat out ended our friendship. We met in college - this happened a year or so after college. He had moved to the DC area and started a job at a good company; I was in law school down in Williamsburg about 2.5hr away.

I was in a rather uncertain stage of life. I was frankly not ready for college to be over - not ready to lose all my friends and be plunged into a whole new school and a whole new group of people I had little in common with. I did very little to meet people in law school - in a sense my college friends (most then living in DC) were close enough a drive for me to not bother meeting anyone new. I was frankly in a very clingy (and, looking back, very annoying) phase.

My buddy was entering a rather selfish phase (I think he'd admit that). He had just started a new job, was making good money for a young guy, and was absorbed with all the new stuff - and new people - around him. He was building a new life, and I was a hanger on. One day we had a fight - I was mad about something silly like his not paying attention during our conversations, and he killed it.

Fast forward a year or two later (don't remember exactly), and we saw each other at a mutual friend's wedding. We had fun together because, well, we were close friends for a reason! We talked after the wedding, ended the "falling out" and became friends again. Not a long conversation - just "Let's be friends again?" "Yeah, friends is good." I was in a better place in terms of being a bit more sure of myself, less clingy, and frankly more adult about friendship. He had worked out of the "hey I have a job and money and cool new friends" phase.

Our friendship has flourished - we got very close again very quickly. He's one of my best friends again - I was just a groomsman in his wedding late last year.

My point with all of this is this: none of this means your friendship is over. It could be you are indeed being a bit clingy. It could be your friend is being selfish and going through a "new friends are better than old" phase. Most likely, it's some of both.

My advice - give your friend space. I know it is hurtful, having been the friend who didn't want the space myself haha. But just give her space. Let her be the one to initiate contact with you. There may be a long period of time where she doesn't contact you at all.

My bet is in time, she'll realize she misses you. In time, she'll realize many (not all) of her new friends are just shiny new acquaintances. She'll start to miss real, deep friendship, and reach out to you again.

When she does, I also wouldn't hold this over her. Don't be angry. Friendship - REAL friendship - is hard work and it sucks sometimes. And sometimes people need their space, for good reasons or bad, and we need to give it to them.
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