I'm always shocked by people who don't "get" sarcasm (wife, boyfriend)

[Tracysherm]

I put this in Non-Romantic Relationships instead of Psychology, because I'm viewing it more as an interpersonal issue than a "problem" with someone's mental health or intellectual functioning.


I tend to very often make sarcastic jokes. These are rarely ever "mean" things, but funny little cracks that many people find funny. I do it in the workplace a lot, but always stay within the range of "professional." I've been told by lots of people that they think I'm really funny and that I have a quick sense of humor. I'm not including that to toot my own horn (though I do crack myself up) but because I don't want anyone to assume that I'm making vague or esoteric jokes or cracks that the average person would not get (I'm no Dennis Miller).

Anyway, I know a lot of people who NEVER seem to understand when I'm joking or being sarcastic.
These are not people for whom English is their second language (I'd give those folks a break).
These are not people with visible cognitive deficits or intellectual disabilities.
But when I say something sarcastic, they respond with "Really? Oh my God, I didn't know that!" or something similar. Then I have to explain, that no, that was just a joke, and I figuratively pat them on their cute little head.

Do you run into people like this? Do you happen to be one of those people who never "gets" a joke or doesn't "get" sarcasm?

The problem is not just me and my jokes. They seem to not get other people's jokes or sarcasm either. It's like they're missing a gene or something.

I even tried to look at it through my mental health clinician/ diagnostician lens: People with psychotic processes often cannot understand figurative or abstract language. If you say you heard a rumor through the grapevine for example, they might think you heard something from an actual vine of grapes. This concreteness of thought often extends to things like sarcasm. Though sometimes these folks DO understand some sarcasm and some symbolism, it's just spotty.

So I was wondering if these people who don't get sarcasm or miss a lot of jokes have more concrete thinking and less abstract thinking that the rest of us.

But one young woman I know, the wife of a family member, NEVER understands a joke, and NEVER gets sarcasm, but would probably understand most metaphors and proverbs. She's sweet as anything, and I love her to bits, but she is just a blank when it comes to humor. When my boyfriend and I recently told her a story of how we visited a local zoo of rescued animals, we told how we were a little frustrated because many of the more interesting animals were asleep and didn't come out where we could see them. I said, "yeah, we even paid one of the workers 10 bucks to go poke them with a stick to make them run around and that didn't even work." Later she asked her husband if we really had done that, because it sounded mean to the animals. She knows us very well and that we are animal lovers and would NEVER hurt an animal or pay someone else to! Her husband just laughed about it and said "Ah, that's my Terri" (figuratively patting her on her cute little head). She just looked at us with her huge beautiful eyes, blinking and smiling. She also has to have every joke explained to her

Just today at work, I told a few co-workers how the Mexican place I go to gave me a free dessert (flan! yum!) and I said it was cool because when a dessert is free, you don't get any calories or fat grams from it. One woman was like "really?" I said (thinking she was playing along) "Oh yeah, I just read it in an article in a nutrition journal!" An hour later, she came to my office and asked if I could forward her a copy of that article. Wide eyes, blink, blink, blink. I nearly spit out my free flan on my desk. Um, no, oh bless your heart, aren't you so cute? No dear, that was a "joke."

These are regular people, out there walking around in the world. And they have this secret deficit in their heads. They're otherwise functioning normally in life: they're driving, they're tying their shoes, they're working at jobs, they're raising children. They're going around like ordinary people, and they don't even know they're missing almost half of what people say because they can't understand jokes or sarcasm.

How do you explain these people? Are they aliens in disguise?

[Siggy20]

Interesting post Tracy.

I tend to be rather sarcastic too and always say things with an absolutely straight face. Although I don't have any stories as good as yours, I've met a few sarcasm/joke black holes. They just look at you with a perplexed expression. I usually find it hard to maintain a conversation with these folks and really have to dial down my humor.

[Tracysherm]

Glad to meet someone in my boat!

I can totally relate to having to "dial down my humor."

As part of my role as a compliance officer, I have to conduct investigations. I sometimes teach employees about what to expect when an investigation happens. Because people are often afraid of the Compliance dept, I try to diffuse it with a little humor in my trainings. So I would say something like "Don't be too nervous if you are called into an investigation...I hardly ever water-board people anymore, since the worker's comp claims kind of got out of hand. So now I pretty much stick to pulling out fingernails, but I never pull out more than one or two..."

When I noticed some employees sitting there with open mouths and huge wide eyes, I decided I had to maybe dial it back.

[oddstray]

Yes, you probably need to keep it dialed back. People who are in the process of being looked at *will* be nervous. It can backfire, to make jokes to try to put them at ease.

And keep in mind - even though your sarcasm is totally well-intended and not at all mean to you, it may sound downright nasty to some of the people listening to you.

[Tracysherm]

Originally Posted by oddstray

Yes, you probably need to keep it dialed back. People who are in the process of being looked at *will* be nervous. It can backfire, to make jokes to try to put them at ease.

And keep in mind - even though your sarcasm is totally well-intended and not at all mean to you, it may sound downright nasty to some of the people listening to you.

No, I'm not making the torture jokes with the people I'm investigating, just in a refresher training with employees in general, reminding them about how investigations are conducted. There's no reason why they would be nervous.

I'm not sure where you're seeing the "nasty" part. Don't get me wrong, I can be nasty-sarcastic too; I just don't do it in front of people. Instead I save it for when I tell the story to those close to me, or when I share it on an anonymous message board.

[EvilCookie]

Hah. I've met a few people like that but not quite to that extent. Honestly, in the example with the free flan, I would think the problem is more than not getting jokes, I would think a person who actually thought it was true is a bit, um, challenged in the common sense department too.

I think people like that tend to fall into one of two categories: either they're way too self-important and take themselves and everything around them way too seriously - these are the kind of people we'd call 'humorless'. Or they've got a slight deficiency somewhere - like inability to grasp social cues, social awkwardness. Not getting jokes is actually a hallmark of Asperger's, so someone can potentially have very high-functioning undiagnosed asperger's and just be thought of as socially awkward. Or, honestly, a person could just not be very bright and not have the sharpness of wit that is required to make sense of a joke. Someone who is overly naive can take a joke as truth and believe it, like in your examples.

Another possibility that comes to mind is a person who is extremely reserved for whatever reason; I would think someone brought up in a very conservative religious environment, for example, or just a reserved household where people didn't joke around would have trouble with humor and sarcasm. JMO.

[picklejuice]

WARNING: The "joke" may actually be on you!

I have known a few folks to bat eyelashes, blink the dumb/clueless-looking blinks, and feign ignorance.
Then, guess what they did?! You don't want to know!

But these beauties have been used:

"That arse hole thinks he/she is funny!"

"What a jerk!"

"Can you believe that arse wipe thinks I'm that stupid?!"

"If I let on that I understood the joke, I'd have to listen to more of them. No thanks!"

"Yeah, we get your friggin' sarcasm. BTW, we all think you are one big arse hole, and are laughing at you- not with you!"

The list and laughing (behind the back) goes on and on!

Be careful!! As this happens in the workplace all of the time- to some pretty smart (and sarcastic) folks.

[Johnbiggs]

All the time. Much of my humor is very deadpan, and it goes over people's heads a lot of the time, its kind of a problem.

[Yellow Jacket]

My work office is a bastion of dry humor.

[forum_browser]

Yup, mine too. And it's not as if we're all that bright, either. Maybe comfort with this sort of humor varies by region. I'm in NYC.