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My mother and step-dad are in their early fifties and decided to do their wills. My step-dad has been married to my mom since I was two and they have two sons together. We moved to the US from another country when I was 9 and my father stayed in our home country. My step-dad and I have an amicable relationship, especially in recent years. Anyway, I saw the drafts of the documents and my mother is leaving all her assets to the three of us equally, while my step-dad is leaving his assets equally to his two sons. (Note he has another daughter who lives here in the US and visits from time to time and she is not mentioned in the will at all.) Now I'm not money hungry, or a gold digger - my youngest brother is 13 and if (g-d forbid) my parents were to pass tomorrow, I would want him to get most of everything anyway. My brother and I are already established in our careers and homes but he would need a safety net.
I feel rather snubbed by this, but I'm not sure why. I am the oldest and have always been responsible for more stuff in the house, I used to even pick up slack for my step-dad for some of his chores. I just feel like when it's convenient then I'm a daughter, but then this happens.
The attorney brought up the point that if they were to die together, there would be an issues since assets are joint and there would be no way of splitting it according to the way they want it in their wills. I've always been on the outside with this family, but we are still family. When the youngest was born, I would drive down from college to watch him while my parents went on vacation. I helped 6 months ago when they went back to our country to my grandfather's funeral. I took time off work and stayed for a week with the little one. Maybe all this doesn't matter when it comes to wills.
In either case, neither of the 3 of us would ever start a fight over any of this, or even if they did, I would back out of it immediately. Just makes me feel weird being here for the weekend...
Please tell us how you saw the drafts of the documents. Were you snooping? Were they laying on a desk or table and you just couldn't resist reading them? Were they shown to you by your mother or stepfather? I suspect the latter isn't the case. I think that if you read these without their permission or knowledge then you get what you deserve - feeling "rather snubbed". If you indeed did read the documents by way of snooping try to remember that is not the right thing to do to anyone (reading private documents of someone else). Snooping is not cool. Mind your own business, if, your mother or stepfather didn't show them to you. Be honest.
It sounds like your feelings are hurt rather than you feel left out financially. The man that acted as your father for all those years...and, yet it still sounds like there's been a line drawn in the sand all along.
The hurt feelings are understandable. I am not sure if there is anything you can do or say that won't come across as wrong though. If you can, try and forget what you saw and don't let the wills influence your actions around your family.
This is exactly it, although I don't know if I should have expected anything more from him. He wasn't a good "father" and treated me like crap most of my life growing up in that house. We are civil now but he's still sneaky and tries to push his responsibilities on me. There has been a definite line in the sand and will always be. Everytime I try to think that I want to forget everything and giving him the benefit of the doubt, this stuff happens. However, this lets me know what he thinks of me and where I am in the family.
I know it's their money, money isn't my issue, it's the fact of where I am in this family after all this time. I'm still the "third" wheel no matter what I do or how mature we get.
Please tell us how you saw the drafts of the documents. Were you snooping? Were they laying on a desk or table and you just couldn't resist reading them? Were they shown to you by your mother or stepfather? I suspect the latter isn't the case. I think that if you read these without their permission or knowledge then you get what you deserve - feeling "rather snubbed". If you indeed did read the documents by way of snooping try to remember that is not the right thing to do to anyone (reading private documents of someone else). Snooping is not cool. Mind your own business, if, your mother or stepfather didn't show them to you. Be honest.
I won't lie. They didn't show me the drafts. They were lying around by the computer. While the computer was booting I looked over and saw a printed email from the lawyer - the first paragraph said exactly what I said in my original post. I don't feel bad about it. When I was growing up my mother would snoop constantly in my room. I used to fight with her about it and she used to tell me that I didn't deserve her respect of my privacy...well if that behavior is acceptable to her then I don't see anything wrong with it.
I don't think you are being greedy and your feelings about being unfairly treated is understandable. However, it is his money to do whatever he wants with it. What about Bill Gates or Warren Buffet who both decided to give the majority of their money to charity? I know their children are far from being poor but arguably they could also feel entitled to all of it.
Like others have said...it is their money, and they will leave it to who they want, regardless of what others think. You shouldn't have looked at the will, I've had my parents for more than 15 years and never looked at it...no way..If people would not have expectations of what they feel they deserve or want, people wouldn't be hurt if it doesn't come.
In a perfect world, you would have been included, but you were not....unfortunately and sadly.
I do feel badly for you, however, it is not a perfect world, and to me, your well within your own life...don't allow this to hurt you...what is done is done, and you won't be able to change it, unless you go to your mom with him there and discuss your feelings with them. If there is something personal you'd like as a keepsake from your mom, then name it...otherwise, it is out of your hands...I'm sorry, but life is not always fair, and others will never live up to our expectations....
sending hugs....
Creme
I don't find it odd at all that your stepfather would leave his $$ to his bio children and your mother would leave $$ to her bio children. In blended families, this is the way it works out very often.
There may be many other things involved, i.e., concern for making sure his kids get a college education after his death. There may be stipulations you don't understand or that are spelled out in a separate addendum. These are things you just don't know about and very well may have been taken into consideration in distributing the assets.
It would have been much better that you never had looked at that document. For one thing, there is no guarantee that there will be any money left at all when either or both of your parental units die. That could be a looooong way off. Also, there are always other assets involved, such as insurance policies. So you really don't know the whole picture.
In addition, wills often have stipulations that state such things as . . . the whole estate goes to the wife and then it is up to HER WILL to spell out how the distribution will be made. Honestly, there are just too many factors and too much legal language for you to have a clue what is really in that will. There could be life estates, trusts . . . other things you simply know nothing about.
Regardless, it would be a shame for this to affect your relationship with either or both of your parents. They could end up living to 100 and using up every penny in both their estates.
If you are really troubled by it, you can always ask your mom about it . . . but I think that would show you are not trustworthy, b/c I don't care what you mother did when you were a minor living under her roof . . . it is WRONG to snoop in other people's personal papers, whether they are easily there to be read or not! When you are staying in their home babysitting, it is no different than being in a client's home to clean, or walk the dog, or house sit. You don't snoop. BAD KARMA!!!!
So my advice is . . . forget about it. A will can be changed the day after it is written. Most people change their wills many times in their lifetimes, due to changing circumstances with their own finances, the age of their children, their marital status, etc.
And don't be snooping again!
Last edited by brokensky; 05-13-2013 at 10:37 AM..
You have a father to inherit from. I see nothing wrong with the way the wills are made out. Do you think you should inherit from the step father and your father. If your natural father doesn't leave you anything it has nothing to do with your step father and his children should not be penalized bacause of it.
You guys are right. I guess it just brought back some of those childhood feelings from when I was always on the outs and seems that nothing has changed.
Maybe I'm being hypocritical too. I've always thought that if something happens, my brothers should be the ones to take care of him. I'll take care of mom. So it makes sense I guess. This just reaffirms my thoughts in a way.
I don't think you should feel justified in snooping because your mom snooped on you when you were a kid. Just because someone else does something wrong doesn't make it right when you do it. I completely understand why you might feel slighted, but from what you've said of your child hood it doesn't seem like this is exactly a huge shock. Obviously you and your stepfather didn't have the best relationship and your mom did include you. It is what it is. What good will saying something really do? You'll just cause a lot of unnecessary drama and I highly doubt your stepfather will say oh yes I totally see your point and change it. So what's the point?
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