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Hi All!! I have a brother who is 12 years old and lives with my parents. He just recently, this week actually made the decision to quit soccer - I don't know the exact details but his team wasn't that great and he himself isn't that great so he decided to quit. He also decided to quit piano lessons. My mother insists it was his decision. So I just got an email from her today saying that he feels really down, a 'failure' and almost didn't want to get out of bed today. They live in NJ, I live in FLA and my other brother who turns 27 today is in CO. I was just there for mother's day and am unable to go back for a visit due to starting a new job in two weeks. My other brother is on assignment in NM for the next month.
My Mom emailed to ask for suggestions to cheer him up. I'm not sure what would cheer him up. He's getting to that teenager stage where everything sucks. I would ask them to send him to FLA for a weekend but he has school and it's a bit pricey just for a few days since he can only fly 1 or 2 airlines at this age by himself or pay $80 each way surcharge.
I'm not too sure what his interests are. It was soccer. Probably same as other 12 year old boys. If anyone has any suggestions at all please share. I feel really bad for him.
How does he interact with his friends?
What activities to his friends participate in?
Does he have any other interests?
Are there a lot of kids in his neighborhood/street to hang out with?
How is he doing in school?
The worst thing you and the other adults in his life can do it to try and save him from the ramifications of the choices he made. He may not have been the best player, but he was a member of a team, and should have finished out his commitment for the season. At 12, he isn't a baby. If the choice was left up to him, well, lesson hopefully learned. If you make a fuss over him, he'll play the victim card instead of shaking it off.
The worst thing you and the other adults in his life can do it to try and save him from the ramifications of the choices he made. He may not have been the best player, but he was a member of a team, and should have finished out his commitment for the season. At 12, he isn't a baby. If the choice was left up to him, well, lesson hopefully learned. If you make a fuss over him, he'll play the victim card instead of shaking it off.
I hope he didn't quit midseason. He may have quit after the season.
Don't feel too bad or him. And don't reward him for quitting activities with a trip to Florida because you feel guilty that he is unhappy. Nor do you have to run to his side because he seems unhappy. You'll just be enabling that behavior.
What he's doing now may just be a progression of sorts. He perhaps simply outgrew piano lessons. It happens - you don't find too many teenage boys still taking piano unless they have a music career in mind.
As for soccer, I'd find out if he quit now that the season may be over or if he quit while season is still ongoing. If he quit mid season, then I'd have a talk with him about fulfilling obligations to the team and not walking away. If he quit after season, not so bad.
Perhaps you might just want to give him a phone call and find out what is going on in his life. If he doesn't want to do soccer next year because he feels he isn't any good- well then, maybe he isn't! Not everyone is a great player. Find out if he was playing because his friends were or if he really likes the sport. Maybe he needs to explore other activities more suited for him. Could be he's not sports minded and would rather join the chess club, etc. He needs to learn that it's OK to not want to do sports if that's not his cup of tea..
What's important is that you can help him find his way through the confusion of a soon to be teenager's life. Teach him to focus on things that interest him and not go along with the crowd. Just don't feel sorry for him, teenagers are all full of worry, confusion, mixed up emotions. Try to guide him, but don't hover and baby him.
Is he depressed? Not wanting to get out of bed, suddenly quitting activities he was interested in = red flags for me when reading your post. Is he being bullied at school? Middle school is a tough social time and he may suddenly be feeling low. Just something to keep in mind.
What I think kids at that age need most of all is unconditional love. Sometimes there could be cruel kids at school or on the team, he may be feeling rejected socially -- so the home and family need to be a safe refuge where he is accepted and wanted.
It can be an awkward age, he may enjoy video games and you can ask him what ones are good, or ask him about television shows -- anything that shows you have an interest in him and accept him for who he is.
A vacation trip doesn't have to be right now -- but later on. If he's having problems, it would give him something positive to think about.
Is he depressed? Not wanting to get out of bed, suddenly quitting activities he was interested in = red flags for me when reading your post. Is he being bullied at school? Middle school is a tough social time and he may suddenly be feeling low. Just something to keep in mind.
My thoughts exactly. The answers to Charles' question would shed some more light on this but I would also be concerned that he is experiencing depression. Granted, he's almost a teenager and it's not unusual for teens to have difficultly getting up in the morning - studies have proven than teens need more sleep than any other age group. The boy's family need to determine why he does not want to get out of bed in morning - is it just because he's wants/needs more sleep (lots of people just aren't morning people and with the changes in his hormones, he may just be finding he's one of them) or is it because he feels like he can't face the day/his life? When I was about 17-21 I went through a depression and although I'd never been a morning person, my reasons for not wanting to get out of bed in the morning drastically changed. It got to the point where I was having panic attacks before school.
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Originally Posted by willow wind
Don't feel too bad or him. And don't reward him for quitting activities with a trip to Florida because you feel guilty that he is unhappy. Nor do you have to run to his side because he seems unhappy. You'll just be enabling that behavior.
I don't agree with this - if he's depressed, the last thing you want him to do is feel like he's being punished for the way he feels or give him the impression that you don't care enough to be there for him when something is seriously wrong. We don't know what's going on here - maybe it's just normal teen changes. Or maybe his teammates were bullying him. Maybe he was teased for doing something dorky like playing the piano. Maybe he's suicidal. Maybe a trip to his sister's place in Florida will give him a much needed break and allow him to open up. Depression isn't a matter of enabling and if he is depressed, your advice is extremely dangerous.
The family need to find out more before taking action though - like I say, the answers to Charles' question will help in determining if this is just normal changes as he goes through puberty or something more. katestar, if you think he's depressed, you need to tread carefully but at the same time, make sure he knows that you're there for him. You don't want to push him too hard to open up because he may shut down but he also needs to know he's not alone. When I went through depression, the only thing that kept me going was knowing that my parents were there for me and would love and support me no matter what, even if I felt like they didn't understand what I was going through. You may want to suggest he talk to a therapist.
It sounds like he is depressed. Do you think he needs to talk with a therapist? It can help a lot to have someone that is not part of all of this to talk to. It is sad that he gave up not only his soccer but as well as his music lessons. He may just need a break and will maybe then miss it and want to go back.
Thanks everyone. I haven't really thought of depression being an issue. Granted, that household is not the best place in the world to grow up, but my mother has changed a lot since we were growing up. I was up there this weekend and not that it is something different, but she yells at my step-dad constantly. It's stressful. I know he feels it. I don't know if that has anything to do with it or not.
I know my mother complained about them leaving so early on weekend mornings to go to games and that their whole weekends were taken up by soccer. I have a feeling that he quit because of this. Piano, same thing. She doesn't offer support but rather critisism. In this way she hasn't changed. I'd like to speak to her about this, but (1) I feel it's not my place and (2) it won't do anything. I have always supported my brother and visited as much as I could when living up in CT. Part of me feels really bad leaving him there and moving to FLA. I understand I'm not his parent.
And yes he is approaching the teenage years and that has me worried too. I was depressed in HS and my mom tried to help a little, but for the most part she wasn't helpful. He seems happy to me, but then again I only see him for a few days every couple of months. I wish he was a little older so that he could come and spend a few weeks with me.
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