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I have a friend that I find to be somewhat weak and often depressed, but wouldn't go so far as to call her a loser.
She's educated, has masters degree, is relatively attractive, but she is recently out of work... and is clingy and can be annoying and I think weak sometimes, but def not a loser.
You can choose to be happy for sure. I do it every day. I have a tendency towards depression, so for me it is a very conscious decision. But it's not easy at all.
You CAN take control of the conversation. Ask the depressed person what they're doing to change their situation. If they say nothing and keep going down the same tracks, say you've already given the your feedback and don't know how to help them further. Then change the subject.
I tend to practice a version of clicker training with people who are relentlessly depressed. I respond neutrally to negativity with comments like "Wow." "I see." Etc. I don't make eye contact. When they say something remotely positive, I immediately engage with them enthusiastically and ask them questions about whatever it was they were talking about or what their opinion is about it, etc. I have actually seen this work. It's kind of a fun experiment too
Consider also that you seek out depressed people because they represent normalcy (however dismal) to you. Maybe make a conscious effort to seek out happy people (which is what I do).
I am laughing SO HARD at this right now....only because I've started doing the exact same thing with a friend who constantly has a lot of "self inflicted" drama going on, and is ALWAYS whining and complaining to me about it.
I honestly didn't even realize I was using the dog training approach with her until my boyfriend pointed it out to me after a comment I made about ignoring her "annoying behavior." He told me that she wasn't a dog, lol. Wellllllll.....I discovered that IT WORKS ON PEOPLE TOO!!! Our relationship is getting much better because of it!
I know this is years old thread but I wanted to say so much is the Drs fault ! They should not be on so many meds. And if they are all discussing all their meds that is a hardcore committed group. Especially if anti pyschotics and mood stabilizers mixed. I have brilliant artist friends that have been ruined by their Drs and over medicated. I demand them to change dose. This obviously only works on some. But I would say if you want to hang out it's the gym or nothing. Tom Cruise style. Just get them in the gym !
I am so fed up with the depressed people in my life. I have been around depressed people all my life.
Growing up, my mother was depressed. Now my best friend from high school, who I am still best friends with is depressed. My other good friend behaves like she is depressed.
I am sick of playing counselor. I am sick of going out of my way to get lunch with one of these depressed people only to deal with their constant bad mood, sad mood, bitching, possible tears, or weirdness from meds.
I thought it was general DECENCY to arrive at most social engagements in a positive mood.
I can't even introduce these people to normal folks who either hide their depression when in social settings or cope with their issues like most people do. These depressed people are horrible company.
ALL OF MY FRIENDS ARE LIKE THIS! We live up North so everyone here gets prone to depression in the winter but this is all of my girl friends. My only non depressed people in my life are select family members and my boyfriend.
My boyfriend was depressed for a few months two years ago. He is the only one I am close to who can control himself.
These depressed victim-types have no respect for themselves or others. They are the most selfish people in the world. They usually have food, shelter, and clothing provided to them and barely have to work to get by but they are still depressed.
They are horrible company. There is always one crisis, drama, or something else. I have to play social worker and counselor every time I want to have a fun girls day.
Actually, fun laid back girl time doesn't exist. Its more like there will be tears at some point, a major "boyfriend" problem, complaining about her mother who helps her more than most would with her "disabilities" (A 23 year old needs to take accountability for herself and stop blaming mommy), her weird affect which I assume is from the 3 or 4 meds she is on, and when I try to correct her behavior (her boyfriend is a dope dealer who lives over 2,000 miles away and I disapprove or her open disrespect to her mother where I also disapprove) she gets mean and bitchy to me.
They talk about the heavy meds they are on almost everytime we hang out, which brings down the mood.
They act weird and out of it BECAUSE of their meds.
They act like victims constantly and no one can be really honest with them because EVERYONE knows they're on the edge of acting out of drama for attention like the adult children they are.
They bring low life men into their lives because the have low self confidence, leaving me to pick up the mess.
They don't take care of their looks, rarely washing hair and never wearing make up. Then they get jealous when I get all the attention and just want to "go home because I wasn't ready to get pretty". YOU ARE NEVER PRETTY! YOU HAVE POOR HYGENE & PEOPLE AROUND YOU ARE AFRAID IF THEY TELL YOU IT WILL SEND YOU OVER THE EDGE!!!
They arrive to social engagements in a bad or sad mood and whoever is there has to take care of them (I have to take care of them).
They are constantly blaming their generous & families for every little mental and real problem they have in life even when approaching 30.
My boyfriend's childhood friends up here are like this. These grown baby men who are in their late 20s are even worse. They either drink too much or pick fights when they go out.
Depressed people in their 20s are basically walking liabilities who blame their depression, ADD, and lack of "time management skills" on everyone but themselves. They probably have never held down any job for more than 3 months.
You won't see middle class and lower middle class people at the community college I went to in Florida acting this way. My friends from their were happy and well adjusted even if they worked full-time and went to school.
To show my bias: I actually grew up UPPER MIDDLE CLASS and I notice this about my childhood friends. But when I go into a lower income/class area I notice everyone is happier. I am not talking ghetto, I'm talking about South Florida regular suburbs.
But its they spoiled upper middle class whiners that have no idea how good they have it and how pathetic they look to the rest of the world!!!
I am so fed up! I'm a 24 year old commuter student so my classes aren't really conducive to making new friends. But I need new friends. It is so hard for me to have to rely on mostly depressed emotionally weak, spoiled, invalid personalities for my socializing.
You've taken the vital first step already: You've recognized these people for the emotional vampires they are. They suck the joy out of living. They have the same conversations day after day, year after year, and never lift a finger to improve their miserable lives. Which is why you need to give them the finger before they drag you down with them. After all, you become the five people with whom you spend the most time. Is that who you want to be?
My wife and I were friends with a couple where the wife was that way. Good God, she was a drag 24/7. Never saw the bright side to anything. Always sought out the flaw. Once, when her husband threw her a surprise party, we met a lot of her friends. Guess what? They were all the same. They sat around like it was a Pity Bee, trying to top each other in terms of their misery.
Don't get me wrong. When a friend is struggling, you support that friend. And your group of friends shouldn't be like the cast of Up With People. But when your friends just lurch from crisis to crisis, and it's NEVER THEIR FAULT, you have people who are uninterested in actually doing something about your life.
Because functional adults manage their lives. They pay their bills. They take responsibility for their screw-ups. They have some measure of themselves from time to time and ask themselves, "Is this who I want to be?"
I actually had a group of friends like that in my early twenties, just the way you do now. They all had job problems, relationship problems, money problems, you name it. And nothing was ever their fault.
What did I do? Cut ties. I didn't walk into the room and call them a bunch of losers. Instead, I just started opting out of hanging out with them. I started seeking out people who had a healthy worldview, who liked to try new things. It took a while to cultivate these people, but within a year or two, my social life became a lot better.
So, yeah, give them the boot. And make sure you don't become like them. It's not cold. It's a matter of personal survival.
I strongly believe that most people can CHOOSE to be happy. Sure, maybe 15% of depressed people have a chemical imbalance but I think most depressed people are just comfortable playing the role of victim vs. being a survivor.
You're not wrong.
I'm currently very depressed. Life is pointless and I struggle each day. But I don't burden anyone else with my depression. I'm not sure most people who encounter me would recognize how depressed I am. I used to be more fun and easygoing. I moved to a new town and the people I've met here probably have no idea. People I've known for a long time just notice how quiet I've become. So while I am not choosing to be depressed in any way, I am choosing not to burden those around me with it. That is actually fairly typical of many depressed people. You trying to put a percentage on it is out of line and unfair.
However, there ARE a lot of people who are comfortable playing the victim. OP needs to set some boundaries and stick with them. Maybe try Meetup.com to make some new friends? Your old friends are not good for you and you aren't likely to be helping them either.
The very premise of this thread is stigmatizing and exactly what is wrong with the public's view and understanding of mental illness. Shame on the OP who posted it, and shame on those who agree with her. The brain is an organ made of living tissue. Sometimes things go wrong with it and it needs treatment the same as any other organ or system in the human body. Get off your high horses and have some compassion, because one day it may happen to you.
[quote=Pear Martini;29660731]I am so fed up with the depressed people in my life. I have been around depressed people all my life.
Growing up, my mother was depressed. Now my best friend from high school, who I am still best friends with is depressed. My other good friend behaves like she is depressed.
I am sick of playing counselor. I am sick of going out of my way to get lunch with one of these depressed people only to deal with their constant bad mood, sad mood, bitching, possible tears, or weirdness from meds.
I thought it was general DECENCY to arrive at most social engagements in a positive mood.
I can't even introduce these people to normal folks who either hide their depression when in social settings or cope with their issues like most people do. These depressed people are horrible company.
ALL OF MY FRIENDS ARE LIKE THIS! We live up North so everyone here gets prone to depression in the winter but this is all of my girl friends. My only non depressed people in my life are select family members and my boyfriend.
My boyfriend was depressed for a few months two years ago. He is the only one I am close to who can control himself.
These depressed victim-types have no respect for themselves or others. They are the most selfish people in the world. They usually have food, shelter, and clothing provided to them and barely have to work to get by but they are still depressed.
They are horrible company. There is always one crisis, drama, or something else. I have to play social worker and counselor every time I want to have a fun girls day.
Actually, fun laid back girl time doesn't exist. Its more like there will be tears at some point, a major "boyfriend" problem, complaining about her mother who helps her more than most would with her "disabilities" (A 23 year old needs to take accountability for herself and stop blaming mommy), her weird affect which I assume is from the 3 or 4 meds she is on, and when I try to correct her behavior (her boyfriend is a dope dealer who lives over 2,000 miles away and I disapprove or her open disrespect to her mother where I also disapprove) she gets mean and bitchy to me.
They talk about the heavy meds they are on almost everytime we hang out, which brings down the mood.
They act weird and out of it BECAUSE of their meds.
They act like victims constantly and no one can be really honest with them because EVERYONE knows they're on the edge of acting out of drama for attention like the adult children they are.
They bring low life men into their lives because the have low self confidence, leaving me to pick up the mess.
They don't take care of their looks, rarely washing hair and never wearing make up. Then they get jealous when I get all the attention and just want to "go home because I wasn't ready to get pretty". YOU ARE NEVER PRETTY! YOU HAVE POOR HYGENE & PEOPLE AROUND YOU ARE AFRAID IF THEY TELL YOU IT WILL SEND YOU OVER THE EDGE!!!
They arrive to social engagements in a bad or sad mood and whoever is there has to take care of them (I have to take care of them).
They are constantly blaming their generous & families for every little mental and real problem they have in life even when approaching 30.
My boyfriend's childhood friends up here are like this. These grown baby men who are in their late 20s are even worse. They either drink too much or pick fights when they go out.
Depressed people in their 20s are basically walking liabilities who blame their depression, ADD, and lack of "time management skills" on everyone but themselves. They probably have never held down any job for more than 3 months.
You won't see middle class and lower middle class people at the community college I went to in Florida acting this way. My friends from their were happy and well adjusted even if they worked full-time and went to school.
To show my bias: I actually grew up UPPER MIDDLE CLASS and I notice this about my childhood friends. But when I go into a lower income/class area I notice everyone is happier. I am not talking ghetto, I'm talking about South Florida regular suburbs.
But its they spoiled upper middle class whiners that have no idea how good they have it and how pathetic they look to the rest of the world!!!
I am so fed up! I'm a 24 year old commuter student so my classes aren't really conducive to making new friends. But I need new friends. It is so hard for me to have to rely on mostly depressed emotionally weak, spoiled, invalid personalities for my socializing.[/quote]
Well...you DON'T HAVE to rely on these mostly depressed people for your socializing. If they're dragging you down as a whole, let them drift away. As a matter of fact, it kind of sounds like you're letting YOUR insecurities get in the way of you striking out, and making new friends.
You have to give yourself room to expand and see opportunities for new friends.
Lots of people are depressed. Many factors add to this today, pressure of life, social media, finances, etc. Sometimes it bugs me when i see people say, avoid toxic negative people, then we're also told to have empathy, lol. If these people are really your friends be there for them. you could also try and find some non depressed friends.
The very premise of this thread is stigmatizing and exactly what is wrong with the public's view and understanding of mental illness. Shame on the OP who posted it, and shame on those who agree with her. The brain is an organ made of living tissue. Sometimes things go wrong with it and it needs treatment the same as any other organ or system in the human body. Get off your high horses and have some compassion, because one day it may happen to you.
I wanted you to know when I said to op to demand the gym or nothing it doesn't mean I don't believe in chemical imbalances. Op seems to describe wealthy people that she feels have spoiled lives so it's weird to want to be depressed so much.
I know people depressed that hide it well. The age group she describes baffles me because 20s is the happiest time of life unless you truly have a chemical imbalance or are on way too many meds. They usually backfire (although, there is the % of folks that cannot live with out them). I have seen friends just disappear from having a personality due to too many meds. Sometimes it's ok to feel like hell and able to go out* and do things then be numb and do nothing.
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Gym or nothing.
