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Hi all, if there are any married people in here I could use some advice. I am an ethnic Greek-American male who married a Southern belle from Texas. She comes from an upper middle class small town Texas family where they all dress like cowboys or clean cut country dudes for the most part. At first they didn't take that much of a liking to me, except for the dad, because I was too "ethnic", "metro" and not the ideal of what they wanted for her; tall (I'm 5'11!), blonde haired, blue eyed, cowboy, jock-ish, good ol' boy. Eventually they grew to like me and consider me a part of the family, but there is always that weird feeling that I will never be 100% unlike the other men that married into the family because they fit the bill more than I do. It seems like even though they work manual labor and never went to college they actually respect that more than going the "yuppie" route to them.
I married their daughter, went to a good college, and we moved to Los Angeles from Texas to work two pretty darn good jobs and are living a comfortable middle class life in LA. You would think that everything would be ok? But the mother came to visit with her sisters and it just felt awkward. It was as though our lives were just "cute" to them, they were sizing us up and wanted to see where I worked (they came into visit me while I was in a meeting!). I was shocked. They hated whenever I offered to pay for them and for some reason just wanted to believe that we were not doing as well as we said were doing on the phone, which is absurd because we told them we just live a decent middle class life in LA.
Point is, is it completely pointless to ever try to measure up to in laws? Especially conservative in laws that are a little racist? They say they love me, I am part of the family, all that jazz but a lot of it feels fake and as though they're treating my wife and I like kids. Maybe that is the way these Southern middle aged ladies talk? But it just seems like they treat the other good ol boys in the family a lot better because they feel they can cut loose and relate to them more is what I assuming.
At this point I am beyond caring what they think of me and my wife and I want to cut them off except for Christmas vacations. We ran away from the 'keeping up with the joneses' life in Texas, all the gossip, fake politeness and backstabbing that happens in the family. We're so much happier being away from all that.
Should we still keep trying to be accepted or should we just live our lives and totally cut them off. I mean we cannot handle the underhanded comments, the fake politeness, the flaunting of their wealth in front of us which we know they're over indebted, or how every other guy that comes into the family no matter how much of a dirtbag he turns out to be gets way better treatment right away.
But it just seems like they treat the other good ol boys in the family a lot better because they feel they can cut loose and relate to them more is what I assuming.
Southern middle-aged lady here ...
Yes, this is it. ^^^
You are not what they would have chosen to fill in this blank in their daughter's life story, so they tolerate you.
They do love you, because their daughter does. They CAN'T relate to you because they don't know your story, don't trust you, and probably also feel your insecurity coming through. In addition, you moved her all the way to Cali. Even if it was your wife's decision also, family lore will always say YOU moved her there.
Don't cut them off. Just don't worry about them. They are being polite, right?
Things will come to a head when you have grandkids, though. Mark my words.
If it were actually true that you did not care you would not be posting here asking what you have. That being said, if anyone is to cut off contact from anyone it should be your Wife's decision to do so not yours. They are her family and if YOU are the one who makes that decision then it is YOU who will be blamed when she eventually starts resenting the fact that she can't see or talk to her family.
Leave things go and quit trying to force them to accept you. You married their daughter not them, you live far enough away that it should not cause all this drama and you really don't see them that often anyway do you?
You are not what they would have chosen to fill in this blank in their daughter's life story, so they tolerate you.
They do love you, because their daughter does. They CAN'T relate to you because they don't know your story, don't trust you, and probably also feel your insecurity coming through. In addition, you moved her all the way to Cali. Even if it was your wife's decision also, family lore will always say YOU moved her there.
Don't cut them off. Just don't worry about them. They are being polite, right?
Things will come to a head when you have grandkids, though. Mark my words.
Thank you! I've been wanting to hear the truth for so long because they are so closed off to revealing any bit of their true feelings about me. My wife has always gotten denials about any misplaced feelings or that they really love me, yada yada, but actions speak way louder than words and the treatment the other men get is world's apart from the treatment we get.
Now why wouldn't they trust me considering their daughter is in love with me, loves our relationship and is happier than ever. She is the one that is more open about resenting them and their over whelming traditional lifestyle they forced on all the daughters.
So in essense, they will never really admit that I am the best choice for her? What's funny is that in the mothers more vulnerable moments (when she is a bit tipsy) she admits to me how attractive and intelligent I am and it feels genuine. But when you put it all together, I still wouldn't be the ideal. It is as though there is this traditional cultural boundary they cannot break through. Outside of those vulnerable moments, all of the other compliments seem fake. But it's almost as if they want to really love me, but this thing is in the way.
So that is why I decided to reach out in here to Southern middle aged moms to just get the darn truth so I won't be all awkward and insecure around the family trying to figure them out. It seems like they are just not direct people at all.
And why would grandkids make things worse?! I was under the impression that would make things better?
OP. I understand you completely. I'm Brazilian and I feel that my husband's family treats me the same way your wife's family treats you. It's not a great way to be treated but honestly don't cut them off, let her make that decision because if you make it for her she will resent you. Whenever I'm around my husbands family I try to ignore the remarks they make and act as if their better treatment of others does not bother me. I attend bigger events but smaller events I send him on his own to spend time with his family. You live far away. You can easily avoid visits. I can't. =(
Anyway, sorry about your experience. I hope things get better. Try to ignore them and their fakeness. You all will be much happier that way.
If it were actually true that you did not care you would not be posting here asking what you have. That being said, if anyone is to cut off contact from anyone it should be your Wife's decision to do so not yours. They are her family and if YOU are the one who makes that decision then it is YOU who will be blamed when she eventually starts resenting the fact that she can't see or talk to her family.
Leave things go and quit trying to force them to accept you. You married their daughter not them, you live far enough away that it should not cause all this drama and you really don't see them that often anyway do you?
This is something we've both thought about. And the only thing that bothers me is not getting the truth out of them so I can move on. These are things I suspect but nothing has ever been actually said because they tend to really shroud their true feelings.
I just want to get people's perspectives in here so that my wife and I can just make a decision and be done with it.
She was the one who wanted to move to Cali and cut them off, and I was always the one wanting to give them a chance after chance after chance, but now I am on board with her and we just want to keep it strictly a Thanksgiving/Christmans thing.
I just want to know the truth from a no nonsense southerner who comes from this background or anyone who has been in the same situation I am in.
Imagine a stereotypical Greek American family who lives in a community full of other Greek families, and one of the sons brings home a Baptist girl from Mississippi.
Yes, there is a cultural thing going on. It's as simple as that. They are a little more guarded around you than around the good ol' boys because they probably knew the good ol' boys' parents when they were young. They know their history and they know what to expect from them. They know what jokes will offend them and what kinds of stuff they like.
Just drop the offense and get to know them, and let them get to know you. Tell your wife to stop asking them "what's wrong??" Don't be stupid and cut them off for the same reasons they are offending you. Can you see the hypocrisy in that? They are being who they are. Doesn't your wife want to be who she is and not who her parents always just assumed she'd be??
She obviously "resents" the "traditional lifestyle," so THAT is what this conflict should be about. Your wife needs to be a grown-up and respectfully tell her parents she wants to live her life her way.
Also, I didn't say things would get worse when you had grandkids. I said things would come to a head.
Any existing conflict with your in-laws is very hard to hide or gloss over once grandkids are in the picture and the grandparents insert themselves more into the picture, as they should.
My point about that is that if you and your wife are still so sensitive now, you will go nuts when your MIL tries to tell you how to treat your own kids which, as a grandma, she will not be able to help.
If she wants to cut them off, let her take the lead. Make sure she doesn't let the blame fall to you though, because then you will bear the brunt of the blame should she reconcile with them. She's gotta take the lead and own whatever path she chooses.
Really though, how often do you have to deal with these people? They sound unpleasant, but they also sound completely ridiculous. That is actually how my friend deals with her wealthy Southern-sensibility family - she just laughs them off. It took a lot of work for her to get to that point, but she has put them in a box where their behavior is merely amusing these days rather than damaging and hurtful. She realized that they were so outrageously dysfunctional that their opinions are meaningless.
They may also not be telling you what is wrong because they may not know what is wrong. They may just feel awkward and uncomfortable around you without realizing why. Or even feel that someone from the city is judging them as being backward and then overspending and putting on a lavish show to compensate. It may just take more time to settle down.
I would just give it time and continue to be friendly and courteous when you see them. It doesn't sound like you would see them a lot anyway due to the distance.
My own in-laws are very rural and I know that it was an adjustment for them to see their son citified, but they can also see that he is happy.
Imagine a stereotypical Greek American family who lives in a community full of other Greek families, and one of the sons brings home a Baptist girl from Mississippi.
Yes, there is a cultural thing going on. It's as simple as that. They are a little more guarded around you than around the good ol' boys because they probably knew the good ol' boys' parents when they were young. They know their history and they know what to expect from them. They know what jokes will offend them and what kinds of stuff they like.
Just drop the offense and get to know them, and let them get to know you. Tell your wife to stop asking them "what's wrong??" Don't be stupid and cut them off for the same reasons they are offending you. Can you see the hypocrisy in that? They are being who they are. Doesn't your wife want to be who she is and not who her parents always just assumed she'd be??
She obviously "resents" the "traditional lifestyle," so THAT is what this conflict should be about. Your wife needs to be a grown-up and respectfully tell her parents she wants to live her life her way.
Also, I didn't say things would get worse when you had grandkids. I said things would come to a head.
Any existing conflict with your in-laws is very hard to hide or gloss over once grandkids are in the picture and the grandparents insert themselves more into the picture, as they should.
My point about that is that if you and your wife are still so sensitive now, you will go nuts when your MIL tries to tell you how to treat your own kids which, as a grandma, she will not be able to help.
I understand what you're saying but I've dated my wife for six years and we've been married for four. So that's ten years in this family. Also I may be ethinically Greek but I am American as apple pie. I don't even look that much different than a WASP.
Yes I agree that the main conflict is that she has chosen a different lifestyle. So I guess daring a non WASP tall cowboy is just too much for them.
Also a lot of the guys that have come through have turned out to be real scumbags. They knew of them but they didn't know their families all that well or some were just freshly new. The last guy that came into the family was a loud rowdy good ol boy with a firm handshake. They loved him to death and bought him a brand new vehicle. He was only around for two years and by the second he had gotten the girl knocked up, and ended up going to jail for eight years for almost killing her in a violent domestic dispute.
But they fell for his good ol boy charm, cowboy good looks and bs talk. So that is the type if stuff I'm talking about. My wife felt very insulted and she told her mother how this rowdy hustler came into their lives and was accepted way faster than her own husband was. That was her last straw.
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