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Old 06-13-2013, 11:27 PM
 
550 posts, read 982,661 times
Reputation: 671

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My step sister has always been pretty intelligent. Until she had a baby with this guy. He went to jail multiple times for drugs, assault, and domestic abuse. This last time he was in jail for domestic abuse against my ss(he hit her and kicked her). I know he's a controlling abuser. She told me he was. Yet she was in constant contact with him while he was in jail. While my ss was living w/ me for a couple of months, this guy would call my house day and night and she always took his calls. I know I talked to him a few times and he always talked about them getting married and having more babies! My ss knows he is bad news and is always either complaining about him or yelling at him. Recently he was released and she has been dating him again, but she is constantly telling me how he is no good and is crazy. So I don't know why she doesn't get a restraining order and cut off contact w/ him.
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Old 06-13-2013, 11:32 PM
 
35,095 posts, read 51,103,864 times
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Your sister is the only one who can answer this question for you and honestly she will more than likely get very defensive if you ask her. If the guy is that controlling he has probably convinced her that he is the only one who will have her. She is one of the classic abuse victims who just do not have the guts to leave the abusive situation for good.

If she lives with you again perhaps you can give her rules of the house and keep her off the phone with him but I don't know. It is a start IF it works, just don't be surprised if she tells you to mind your business and leave her alone and cuts off contact with you. Maybe the next time she calls you because she has been abused yet again and needs a place to stay, give her the number of the Domestic Abuse hotline and the local Women's Shelter instead of her staying with you.
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Old 06-13-2013, 11:42 PM
 
22,284 posts, read 21,659,779 times
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Whatever made you think she was "pretty intelligent"? I am not seeing it.

What can you do? Get on with your life, make good decisions and do not enable her in any way.
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Old 06-14-2013, 02:32 PM
 
550 posts, read 982,661 times
Reputation: 671
She is otherwise intelligent, except when it comes to him. She has a kid with him, but I tell her shed be better off. She says she wants her kid to have a father. But he has not proven he has changed.
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Old 06-14-2013, 06:02 PM
 
Location: 2 blocks from bay in L.I, NY
2,919 posts, read 2,567,632 times
Reputation: 5292
Default She wants it..

Quote:
Originally Posted by smalltowngirl25 View Post
My step sister has always been pretty intelligent. Until she had a baby with this guy. He went to jail multiple times for drugs, assault, and domestic abuse. This last time he was in jail for domestic abuse against my ss(he hit her and kicked her). I know he's a controlling abuser. She told me he was. Yet she was in constant contact with him while he was in jail. While my ss was living w/ me for a couple of months, this guy would call my house day and night and she always took his calls. I know I talked to him a few times and he always talked about them getting married and having more babies! My ss knows he is bad news and is always either complaining about him or yelling at him. Recently he was released and she has been dating him again, but she is constantly telling me how he is no good and is crazy. So I don't know why she doesn't get a restraining order and cut off contact w/ him.

Because she likes him, may even love him and the volatility of their relationship makes him even more exciting to her and worth holding on to. That baby was no accident. She wants what she perceives as the "good parts" of the relationship more than she wants to be without him. It he was passive, a push-over, she would consider him boring and leave him for another man. I don't believe as one poster said that she is afraid to lose him. No, it's not fear it's the fact she doesn't WANT to lose him. If he is as you describe, I guarantee you that he has other women besides your sister. That is part of the reason why they fight; because of his cheating. But again, that's a part of the excitement to your sister -- she has a bona-fide bad boy (criminal history confirms this), he's probably somewhat aggressive (manly), and good in bed which is why she won't leave him alone. Even when he's locked up, she could meet someone new and move on but she chooses not to and it's not so much that's bad boy has beat down her self-esteem: she wants him and will hang AT ANY COST and that is what causes a woman's self-esteem to spiral downward --- the at any cost factor. She is responsible for her decisions.
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Old 06-14-2013, 06:17 PM
 
Location: Tucson for awhile longer
8,869 posts, read 16,280,653 times
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My guess: they fight and then they have very hot sex. She loves the drama.

You can't help someone like that unless they want to change. It's useless to criticize or even to offer assistance. If you offer any opinion, just let it be the suggestion that she refrain from having more children until they "have their problems straightened out." For your own sake, don't participate in this soap opera. I agree with CSD610. She needs help from the professionals at a women's shelter. If you shelter her, she will just dump her emotions on you and then she'll calm down and head out for more abuse.
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Old 06-15-2013, 01:37 PM
 
13,513 posts, read 19,235,612 times
Reputation: 16580
She doesn't need a restraining order, it's not like he won't leave her alone...your ss is the one "she was in constant contact with him while he was in jail" ..."she always took his calls"....who keeps after him...Bout the only thing I could suggest would to be to help your ss get some good reliable birth control, and be a good aunt to the child.
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Old 06-15-2013, 03:14 PM
 
47,525 posts, read 69,565,345 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jukesgrrl View Post
My guess: they fight and then they have very hot sex. She loves the drama.

You can't help someone like that unless they want to change. It's useless to criticize or even to offer assistance. If you offer any opinion, just let it be the suggestion that she refrain from having more children until they "have their problems straightened out." For your own sake, don't participate in this soap opera. I agree with CSD610. She needs help from the professionals at a women's shelter. If you shelter her, she will just dump her emotions on you and then she'll calm down and head out for more abuse.
Yes, I think the OP has to flat out tell her honestly what kind of relationship this is and tell her that abuse only gets worse. However it's very difficult to get someone out of an abusive relationship if they don't want to leave it.

Very often "love" provides them some kind of drug like high and low. It is all about drama and when the abuse is good, he is very very good, tells her everything she wants to hear. And when he is bad, he blames her and she falls for it and agrees that deep down it's all her fault that he isn't a better man.

I think at some point, you can only tell her that if she isn't going to do anything about her situation, then you don't want to hear about it but also let her know that if she ever needs help getting out or when she is fearing for her life, call 911 quickly.
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Old 06-15-2013, 07:02 PM
 
16,235 posts, read 25,147,660 times
Reputation: 27047
All you can do is be there for her when she finally figures it out. Hopefully it is sooner rather than later. The more you rail against him, the more she'll try to prove you wrong and try to make it work.
Be there, but don't financially support her, don't always be available for her to vent...it will emotionally drain you. Be there when he finally does enough that she is ready to leave for good.
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