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I'd like to thank everyone for adding their opinions and experiences, please continue. I wrote the original post in a bit of a harried state and given some of the responses I would like to clarify some things.
The relationship I have with my parents is very strong. We talk on the phone almost every week and we visit each other multiple time each year. There is no ongoing contention between us, only happiness to interact. Last fall we were all attending my sister's wedding. I started a casual conversation about seeing the notice in a newspaper for the HS reunion around the same time. I commented to them that the wedding is far more important than the reunion and that I would never attend it. Then I made the remark that I did not even buy the yearbook. That comment was met by what I would best describe as muted disappointment.
Now my parents did receive their copies of the yearbook photos, the graduation photos as well as college graduation photos. They also attended both graduation events. They have not been deprived of any memories. Furthermore due to the way things worked out, all of my friends were from other social avenues and not classmates. My childhood social life was heavily centered on people outside of my high school class (in retrospect I may have been better off at the regional vocational high school where many of my friends attended school). There would not have been anyone else in the yearbook that my parents would have known. This is the main reason why I considered the book to be irrelevant.
There are no lingering problems here getting over high school. In fact my adult life has been so encompassing that I was never aware of any HS reunions until the 20th. I am just curious about the disappointment over a book of pictures of strangers. They already have the only picture that should be of any importance to them.
What comes to my mind is...did your parent's give you the money to buy the yearbook or were you supposed to spend your own money on it? If the money came from mom and dad...you should have bought the yearbook. If it was your money, you should have been able to make the choice of buying one or not without guilt. I see no reason why your mother couldn't have contacted the school and paid for a yearbook herself if she really wanted one.
Truthfully I never shared the purchase arrangements with my parents and I let the deadlines lapse. By the time they asked about the yearbook it was too late to order one. I know it was sneaky but after losing the picture-taking argument, teenage me embraced sneakiness. I like to think that I have outgrown that tendency.
In retrospect my parents were spot on regarding the picture-taking. At the time it was likely that the family would have stayed in that town for a long while and a missing yearbook picture may have led to awkward interactions with others around town for both them and me. Of course life throws us all curve balls and the the entire family moved away within a year of my graduation. The move ended up being phenomenally beneficial for my father, my sister and me. My mother had trouble adjusting to life far from her extended family.
You have to be a parent to understand this- lol. For a parent, high school graduation is a milestone in a child's life. The picture and the yearbook is something they can take out and look at every now and then.
It's part of a series of events that frame a child's life to a parent. Like a kindergarten class picture, First Communion or the photo of a kid's Little League team, or videos of first time the training wheels come off the bike, him or her with their first car, going to a prom etc.
It's all apart of a child's growing up, it's memories, things to look back upon fondly, a child's achievements.
The high school yearbook is the last stepping stone on their child's journey from new born baby to emerging adult. You kind of robbed them of one of that one very tangible memory.
I agree with this. You absolutely have to be a parent to understand this.
Many mothers keep a baby book, photos of sports and other activities, baby shoes, and other sentimental memorabilia. All of these "firsts" are a big deal to parents, especially to mothers.
My son didn't care one way or another if he had a Senior picture. We did and we told him.
I'm glad that he was considerate of our feelings, and went for the photo sitting and allowed us to purchase his year book.
We have his prom pictures too. All are displayed with my children's baby pictures, little league, soccer, dance, camp photos and other important growing up events.
... I also suffered from severe depression and insomnia, and the one time I tried to talk to my parents about it, my mom screamed "WELL YOU BETTER SNAP OUT OF IT!!!"
So much for loving parents.
... I skipped the graduation on purpose, partly out of anger, partly out of rebellion, and partly to deprive my parents of the pleasure of seeing their oldest child graduate. Something I do not regret to this day.
... The best you can do is to make SURE you do not treat your children the way you were treated. And if it bothers you that much, then tell them that you will not discuss it with them any further.
For someone who has studied psychology, it doesn't seem to have earned you much insight about your parents. Were they actually people who had enough education and wherewithal that they should have understood clinical depression? I know mine weren't. My working class father thought seeing a psychiatrist for any reason was absurd. He truly believed all of us should, and do, have complete control of their emotions. Which is pretty funny given that he didn't have control over his. But I certainly don't blame him for this. His ignorance stemmed from lack of knowledge and coming from an environment where things like that simply weren't talked about even if they were factual. My father was in denial to his dying day that people he loved and admired could be alcoholics, for example.
But I certainly don't BLAME my father for his shortcomings. I feel sorry that he couldn't have a more productive outlook on those things and I don't take it personally that he didn't understand me. He didn't have the tools to understand me. But you can still love someone you don't understand. Maybe your parents wanted what they, in their limited understanding, believed was "the best" for you BECAUSE they loved you. Not because they didn't. It doesn't seem very emotionally generous on your part that you still slam the door on your parents just because they didn't act the way you wish they would act.
I'm not implying that any of us should have regrets — we are a sum total of things we have done in the past and we have to accept ourselves with our flaws. But it seems pretty cold to me that you would still, as an adult, seem proud that you "deprive[d] my parents of the pleasure of seeing their oldest child graduate." The pain that is pretty naked in your post might lessen a bit if you tried to accept others with their foibles as you obviously longed to have been accepted in your youth. Unless criminal behavior or actual child abuse is a factor, it's always best to keep the lines of communication open. Certainly you would want that from your children.
Its one of those milestones that people feel should be done. I guess I understand it somewhat now that I have a teenager that will be graduating in a couple of years. I personally hated high school. I also did not go to my graduation and I didnt go for my college one either. When I got married we eloped and didnt do the big wedding thing. I hate being center of attention and those types of events are more hassle to me than what they are worth. I have to admit sometimes I wonder if I should have gone through the process. There are no photos of me at either graduation. I did get my picture taken for the yearbook but didnt order anymore however I did buy a yearbook. The only time I have opened it is when I started getting friend requests on FB from people from high school. More or less for "who the hell is this person? Let me look them up". Sometimes though, I do wonder if I should have gone through one of those standard milestone events just so I could say I did.
My son has zero interest in buying yearbooks. He said maybe when he is a senior. I might buy one for him but if he doesnt want one then I wont push the issue. The cost of a yearbook at his school is 85 dollars.
I am 20+ years out of high school. I hated high school. When it came time for yearbook photographs I skipped out on the picture-taking. My parents found out and had a fit. They said it would be awkward if I had no picture in the yearbook. I relented and had a photograph taken at a subsequent time for those who were absent during the initial event. When it came time to order a yearbook, I intentionally neglected to order one. It was emphatically communicated that this was a one time chance for students to make the purchase. For the period of time around and right after graduation my mother was extremely upset that I did not purchase the yearbook. My father was upset that my mother was upset. To this day I am not really sure if he ever cared about the yearbook itself.
Fast forward to the fall of 2012, my sister got married the same month of my high school class 20 year reunion. I brought up the subject of the reunion and stated how I would not go under any circumstances. I also made a comment about the yearbook to see the reaction and the same feelings were evident which begets my question. Why would parents care about a high school yearbook of their child if the child doesn't care about it? I will say that my action 20 years ago was more of a rebellious act but even after all this time I have no regrets that I made that choice however I still find my mother's reaction baffling.
Why would you make such a big deal out of this at a time when things should be revolving around your sisters big day. Seems childish, just as it did back then. Let your sister have her limelight.
I am 20+ years out of high school. I hated high school. When it came time for yearbook photographs I skipped out on the picture-taking. My parents found out and had a fit. They said it would be awkward if I had no picture in the yearbook. I relented and had a photograph taken at a subsequent time for those who were absent during the initial event. When it came time to order a yearbook, I intentionally neglected to order one. It was emphatically communicated that this was a one time chance for students to make the purchase. For the period of time around and right after graduation my mother was extremely upset that I did not purchase the yearbook. My father was upset that my mother was upset. To this day I am not really sure if he ever cared about the yearbook itself.
Fast forward to the fall of 2012, my sister got married the same month of my high school class 20 year reunion. I brought up the subject of the reunion and stated how I would not go under any circumstances. I also made a comment about the yearbook to see the reaction and the same feelings were evident which begets my question. Why would parents care about a high school yearbook of their child if the child doesn't care about it? I will say that my action 20 years ago was more of a rebellious act but even after all this time I have no regrets that I made that choice however I still find my mother's reaction baffling.
Why would you make such a big deal out of this at a time when things should be revolving around your sisters big day. Seems childish, just as it did back then.
I agree with this. You absolutely have to be a parent to understand this.
Many mothers keep a baby book, photos of sports and other activities, baby shoes, and other sentimental memorabilia. All of these "firsts" are a big deal to parents, especially to mothers.
My son didn't care one way or another if he had a Senior picture. We did and we told him.
I'm glad that he was considerate of our feelings, and went for the photo sitting and allowed us to purchase his year book.
We have his prom pictures too. All are displayed with my children's baby pictures, little league, soccer, dance, camp photos and other important growing up events.
It's a Mom thing.
I accept this as the most likely rationale. I deprived her of an important memento. I suppose it is similar to losing a prized possession in a fire. Life goes on but there will always be a little bit of lingering disappointment.
I don't think my parents ever looked at my high school yearbooks or high school class photos. They po ably would have preferred my siblings and I didn't buy yearbooks - 5 kids and I think the yearbooks were about $60 each.
Wow. I have no words. Adult children can be very cruel when their emotional growth was arrested at a young age.
YEP
I still Spend $ on help and still work on it to this day.
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