I feel guilty but I can't help myself (wife, inlaws, holidays)
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Yep - it's a little weird to call her your "mother in law" when you aren't married. The "in law" part of the phrase refers to marriage. And if the mother of every guy I ever dated was my "mother" too, ugh!
Does she insist that you call her that? Maybe that's part of the personal boundaries problem here?
Well she does sound like an awful woman, but you need to be telling all of this to your partner.
Regarding the dog, when you get a pet it is a lot of responsibility. It is unfair to the puppy that you just got to be taking off for a weekend so soon.
I think you create some of your own drama, if the friend you're going to visit can't have the dog, than you say we will come another time as we don't want to leave the puppy at a kennel or with someone else....problem solved.
You already know this woman is difficult, does what she wants, FL is a hellhole in the summer....so why create the drama of going away for the weekend or even telling her? You either find someone you trust who can take the dog, or postpone the visit.
I don't think she's acting like that to make you uncomfortable. Actually, it sounds like she treats you like part of the family, or worries about you like she would her own child. It doesn't make her behavior correct, or mean that you have to be comfortable with it, but there are many worse things that a boyfriend's mother or a MIL could be doing to you.
When I first got married, my mother would come to our apartment, head straight for our bedroom closet, and start rooting around in there. My husband decided to teach her to mind her own business, so he bought a couple of naughty things and left them in plain sight in the closet. She's never again gone into our closet or even into our bedroom anywhere we've lived, without asking first.
Well she does sound like an awful woman, but you need to be telling all of this to your partner.
Regarding the dog, when you get a pet it is a lot of responsibility. It is unfair to the puppy that you just got to be taking off for a weekend so soon.
I think you create some of your own drama, if the friend you're going to visit can't have the dog, than you say we will come another time as we don't want to leave the puppy at a kennel or with someone else....problem solved.
You already know this woman is difficult, does what she wants, FL is a hellhole in the summer....so why create the drama of going away for the weekend or even telling her? You either find someone you trust who can take the dog, or postpone the visit.
She's really not that awful, she's a gossiper, and with that comes butting into everything. I have a grandparent like this.
We had planned to go see our friend long before the dog and we actually weren't going to go, but she said she is dying to watch the puppy and I had no issues with it until yesterday when she's all talking about taking her places. We both made it clear to her that she can't take her out to places and she said OK. I feel confident she won't, but it wouldn't surprise me. It won't be the end of the world, but also would be something I would have to confront her about.
I don't think she's acting like that to make you uncomfortable. Actually, it sounds like she treats you like part of the family, or worries about you like she would her own child. It doesn't make her behavior correct, or mean that you have to be comfortable with it, but there are many worse things that a boyfriend's mother or a MIL could be doing to you.
When I first got married, my mother would come to our apartment, head straight for our bedroom closet, and start rooting around in there. My husband decided to teach her to mind her own business, so he bought a couple of naughty things and left them in plain sight in the closet. She's never again gone into our closet or even into our bedroom anywhere we've lived, without asking first.
But how did you deal with this? I mean, I just don't understand why people feel this is OK. I would never in a million years walk into someones house and just go into any room I pleased without asking. I guess I just don't get it and that's what bothers me. The other part of it is that I have never said anything to her, but it's driving me insane. I know that I won't be able to let these things go on further without saying anything.
I always say, "you teach people how to treat you." Well I know I taught her to do and say whatever she wants. Honestly, I did it because she's an elder and I wanted to be respectful, but I have no respect for her anymore.
But how did you deal with this? I mean, I just don't understand why people feel this is OK. I would never in a million years walk into someones house and just go into any room I pleased without asking. I guess I just don't get it and that's what bothers me. The other part of it is thatI have never said anything to her, but it's driving me insane. I know that I won't be able to let these things go on further without saying anything.
I always say, "you teach people how to treat you." Well I know I taught her to do and say whatever she wants. Honestly, I did it because she's an elder and I wanted to be respectful, but I have no respect for her anymore.
But how did you deal with this? I mean, I just don't understand why people feel this is OK. I would never in a million years walk into someones house and just go into any room I pleased without asking. I guess I just don't get it and that's what bothers me. The other part of it is that I have never said anything to her, but it's driving me insane. I know that I won't be able to let these things go on further without saying anything.
I always say, "you teach people how to treat you." Well I know I taught her to do and say whatever she wants. Honestly, I did it because she's an elder and I wanted to be respectful, but I have no respect for her anymore.
I didn't know how to deal with it. I wasn't old enough to be good at standing up to my mom yet. Hubby's method worked pretty well though...I'm not sure my mom had ever seen a vibrator before then and she was extremely shocked. He told her, "That's why you don't go though someone's stuff. You may see things you don't want to see and you can't unsee something once you've snooped."
On a funnier note, hubby will never throw anything out. So those things have moved from house to house with us over the years, and I always put them under the bathroom sink where I put things I don't care about but hubby won't get rid of. We had to move when I had a broken leg, and I couldn't get into that bathroom with the wheelchair, and didn't even think about what was under the sink. My BIL came to help us. One day I noticed a box on the top closet shelf in our new place and it had written on it in BIL's handwriting "old boring papers". I got it down and the collection was in there, neatly lined up.
katestar...just make sure you put your most personal stuff, and your medicines somewhere where she won't find them...kinda like you'd do if she were a child....Don't let the way she acts bother you, just let it go in one ear and out the other...it's not worth getting up tight about. Just be civil (like you do) and think of it as a lesson in tolerance.
I posted here last year about my MIL living with us for a year and how it drove me nuts. It's been 7 months or so, since she's been in her own place and it's been great. She's working, she saved enough to get a car and she seems happy. I'm happy for her and I'm happy she's not around anymore. We are very different people.
After she moved, we didn't see each other for a few months. On my end it was that I just needed a break, on her end she started working full time and didn't have time for much. Actually, first time we did anything was for Mother's day back in May. We took her out etc. I figured I would get over everything that was irritating me when we lived together, but I can't. First off, I feel that things are weird between us - like she senses I'm trying to keep a distance. I'm a private person as it is, I don't share much with my own mother and I don't share much with MIL either. She's an older Peurto Rican lady that likes to crack jokes and say what I consider inappropriate things at times. I was raised pretty much that you say please and thank you to your elders and that's about it. Her jokes at times make me uncomfortable and she knows it, but continues to do it. At times I feel like she's doing it on purpose. My fiance says not, but I still get that feeling.
I realize that I'm avoiding her. If I know she's at my house, I find an errand to run after work to make sure that I get home when she's not there. If she's coming over to the house and I'm already there, I try to find a reason to stay in the room. Yesterday she came over for BBQ and I was hoping our guests would all go out to the pool and hang out there, but no body wanted to, so they all congregated in our small living room all day, including her. I just had no interest to interact with her. She did a few things which caused my blood to boil, but I just dealt with it. I find her rude, even though it seems like she's supposedly trying to be funny. One thing that just blew my lid was I was doing the meat outside in 95 degrees on the grill, which is fine. The minute I get in, MIL jumps up, doesn't even give me a chance to cut the meat and starts "Finally, I came here to eat, where's the food, I came here to eat!" At which point I told everyone to get out of the kitchen. We were waiting for a friend to get out of work before grilling, which is why we grilled later, but her nerve! I assume it was supposed to be a joke, but it annoyed me. Another thing is that when she comes to the house, she opens the refrigerator like it's hers and starts asking and making comments about things in there, then she'll walk around the house and ask what's this, what's that - g*d forbid I leave a prescription bottle around, she'll look at it, read it and either ask what it's for or make comments about it, asking private things. My fiance knows this.
She's babysitting our dog this weekend and I'm regretting that decision. We are going to visit a friend and she doesn't have a place for the dog. We just got her, she's a tiny puppy, and MIL has been wanting to sit for her since we got her. I was very hesitant, but fiance said it will be fine. MIL kept joking yesterday how she's going to take her here and there and I specifically said No. She hasn't had all her shots, it's hot as h*ll in Florida and I just don't want her driving the dog who knows where. I'm afraid she might do it anyway.
I guess I'm just venting, but also am feeling a bit guilty for not being able to get over any of these things. I know the living together didn't help us. It just so happened that I didn't see her for a while this year, but it seems that she's coming around more, now that she has the car and all. I am on some meds right now and I have like 6 prescriptions at home and I know that if for some reason she came over and I didn't put them all away and she started asking questions, I would flat out tell her "MIL, medical issues are a private matter and you shouldn't be coming over to other people's houses and looking at and asking about such things. This is private and something I do not wish to discuss with you." Am I awful for this? I assume this will end our relationship (whatever it is anyway). I understand her culture, they all come over each other's houses, look through things, gossip non stop - I don't run my house that way. Thanks for listening.
You have to accept that you just don't like this lady.
You have different outlooks on privacy and humor and you will never be friends.
However, since her daughter is your intended, you had better figure out how to deal with her and do so in a way that doesn't add to your anxiety and angst.
Hide your meds...get a lock box if this is that big of an issue for you.
Also, talk to your fiance....Explain your issues, and have her run interference for you.
She may feel badly, afterall this is her mother...But, it would be better facing this head on and asking your fiance for help, rather than allow yourself to build up resentment.
If your Fiance's Mother is trying to get some sort of reaction from you from what she says and does it is working and will continue to work until you quit allowing her to make you react.
Maybe she does not like being referred to as your "Mother In Law" when you are not married. Maybe living with you and your Fiance was just as stressful for her as it was for you yet did not want to hurt your feelings because of your generosity of her being able to live there.
Maybe she is just older and has a bold personality and she is like that with everyone.
Everyone who comes into our home opens the fridge, it is how things are done around here. If you are hungry, eat. If you are thirsty, drink. I personally see nothing wrong with it.
Any and all medications should be put away all the time anyway, whether you have children or not. No medication is left out in plain sight here simply because we never know when someone is going to stop by with a child or grand child and I don't think someone coming in to visit, repair something or deliver something needs to see my medication. So, as far as that goes, put it away all the time, then there are no further issues.
There also may be a chance that she actually does care about you and is hoping to make sure that you are fine health wise.
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